Hogfather Part 47

The bogeyman groaned.

"...you...don't die here," it panted. "Just get old, listening to the laughter..."

Susan nodded. It was in the air. She couldn't hear words, just a distant chatter, as if it was at the other end of a long corridor.

"...and this place...it grew up round me..."

"The trees," said Susan. "And the sky. Out of their heads..."

"...dying...the little children...you've got to..."

The figure faded.

Susan sat for a while, listening to the distant chatter.

Worlds of belief, she thought. Just like oysters. A little piece of s.h.i.+t gets in and then a pearl grows up around it.

She got up and went downstairs.

Banjo had found a broom and mop somewhere. The circle was empty and, with surprising initiative, the man was carefully was.h.i.+ng the chalk away.

"Banjo?"

"Yes, miss."

"You like it here?"

"There's trees, miss."

That probably counts as a "yes," Susan decided.

"The sky doesn't worry you?"

He looked at her in puzzlement.

"No, miss?"

"Can you count, Banjo?"

He looked smug.

"Yes, miss. On m'fingers, miss."

"So you can count up to...?" Susan prompted.

"Thirteen, miss," said Banjo proudly.

She looked at his big hands.

"Good grief."

Well, she thought, and why not? He's big and trustworthy and what other kind of life has he got?

"I think it would be a good idea if you did the Tooth Fairy's job, Banjo."

"Will that be all right, miss? Won't the Tooth Fairy mind?"

"You...do it until she comes back."

"All right, miss."

"I'll...er...get people to keep an eye on you, until you get settled in. I think food comes in on the cart. You're not to let people cheat you." She looked at his hands and then up and up the lower slopes until she saw the peak of Mount Banjo, and added, "Not that I think they'll try, mind you."

"Yes, miss. I will keep things tidy, miss. Er..."

The big pink face looked at her.

"Yes, Banjo?"

"Can I have a puppy, miss? I had a kitten once, miss, but our mam drowned it 'cos it was dirty."

Susan's memory threw up a name.

"A puppy called Spot?"

"Yes, miss. Spot, miss."

"I think it'll turn up quite soon, Banjo."

He seemed to take this entirely on trust.

"Thank you, miss."

"And now I've got to go."

"Right, miss."

She looked back up the tower. Death's land might be dark, but when you were there you never thought anything bad was going to happen to you. You were beyond the places where it could. But here- When you were grown up you only feared, well, logical things. Poverty. Illness. Being found out. At least you weren't mad with terror because of something under the stairs. The world wasn't full of arbitrary light and shade. The wonderful world of childhood? Well, it wasn't a cutdown version of the adult one, that was certain. It was more like the adult one written in big heavy letters. Everything was...more. More everything everything.

She left Banjo to his sweeping and stepped out into the perpetually sunlit world.

Bilious and Violet hurried toward her. Bilious was waving a branch like a club.

"You don't need that," said Susan. She wanted some sleep.

"We talked about it and we thought we ought to come back and help," said Bilious.

"Ah. Democratic courage," said Susan. "Well, they're all gone. To wherever they go."

Bilious lowered the branch thankfully.

"It wasn't that-" he began.

"Look, you two can make yourselves useful," said Susan. "There's a mess in there. Go and help Banjo."

"Banjo?"

"He's...more or less running the place now."

Violet laughed.

"But he's-"

"He's in charge," said Susan wearily.

"All right," said Bilious. "Anyway, I'm sure we can tell him what to do-"

"No! Too many people have told him what to do. He knows knows what to do. Just help him get started, all right? But..." what to do. Just help him get started, all right? But..."

"If the Hogfather comes back now, you'll vanish, won't you?" She didn't know how to phrase the question.

"I'm, er, giving up my old job," said Bilious. "Er...I'm going to go on go on working as a holiday relief for the other G.o.ds." He gave her a pleading look. working as a holiday relief for the other G.o.ds." He gave her a pleading look.

"Really?" Susan looked at Violet. Oh, well, maybe if she believes in him, at least...It might work. You never know.

"Good," she said. "Have fun. Now I'm going home. This is a h.e.l.l of a way to spend Hogswatch."

She found Binky waiting by the stream.

The Auditors fluttered anxiously. And, as always happens in their species when something goes radically wrong and needs fixing instantly, they settled down to try to work out who to blame.

One said, It was...

And then it stopped. The Auditors lived by consensus, which made picking scapegoats a little problematical. It brightened up. After all, if everyone was to blame, then it was no one's actual fault fault. That's what collective responsibility meant, after all. It was more like bad luck, or something.

Another said, Unfortunately, people might get the wrong idea. We may be asked questions.

One said, What about Death? He interfered, after all.

One said, Er...not exactly.

One said, Oh, come on. He got the girl involved.

One said, Er...no. She got herself involved.

One said, Yes, but he told her...

One said, No. He didn't. In fact he specifically did not not tell- tell- It paused, and then said, d.a.m.n!

One said, On the other hand...

The robes turned toward it.

Yes?

One said, There's no actual evidence evidence. Nothing written down. Some humans got excited and decided to attack the Tooth Fairy's country. This is unfortunate, but nothing to do with us. We are shocked, of course.

One said, There's still the Hogfather. Things are going to be noticed. Questions may be asked.

They hovered for a while, unspeaking.

Eventually one said, We may have to take...

It paused, loath even to think think the word, but managed to continue...a risk. the word, but managed to continue...a risk.

Bed, thought Susan, as the mists rolled past her. And in the morning, decent human things like coffee and porridge. And bed. Real bed. Real things- things- Binky stopped. She stared at his ears for a moment, and then urged him forward. He whinnied, and didn't budge.

A skeletal hand had grabbed his bridle. Death materialized.

IT IS NOT OVER. MORE MUST BE DONE. THEY TORMENT HIM STILL.

Susan sagged. "What is? Who are?"

MOVE FORWARD. I WILL STEER WILL STEER. Death climbed into the saddle and reached around her for the reins.

"Look, I went-" Susan began.

YES. I KNOW KNOW. THE CONTROL OF BELIEF, said Death, as the horse moved forward again. ONLY A VERY SIMPLE MIND COULD THINK OF THAT. MAGIC SO OLD IT'S HARDLY MAGIC. WHAT A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE MILLIONS OF CHILDREN CEASE TO BELIEVE IN THE H HOGFATHER.

"And what were you you doing?" Susan demanded. doing?" Susan demanded.

I TOO HAVE DONE WHAT TOO HAVE DONE WHAT I I SET OUT TO DO SET OUT TO DO. I HAVE KEPT A s.p.a.cE HAVE KEPT A s.p.a.cE. A MILLION CARPETS WITH SOOTY BOOT MARKS, MILLIONS OF FILLED STOCKINGS, ALL THOSE ROOFS WITH RUNNER MARKS ON THEM MILLION CARPETS WITH SOOTY BOOT MARKS, MILLIONS OF FILLED STOCKINGS, ALL THOSE ROOFS WITH RUNNER MARKS ON THEM...DISBELIEF WILL FIND IT HARD GOING IN THE FACE OF THAT. ALBERT SAYS HE NEVER WANTS TO DRINK ANOTHER SHERRY FOR DAYS DAYS. THE H HOGFATHER WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO COME BACK TO, AT LEAST.

"What have I got to do now?"

YOU MUST BRING BRING THE THE H HOGFATHER BACK.

"Oh, must I? For peace and goodwill and the tinkling of fairy bells? Who cares cares. He's just some fat old clown who makes people feel smug at Hogswatch! I've been through all this for some old man who prowls around kids' bedrooms?"

NO. SO THAT THE SUN WILL RISE.