Mercury Falls Part 24

"What renegade faction?" asked Mercury.

Uzziel hissed, "Playing dumb isn't going to help you, Mercury. I suggest you tell them everything you know."

"We know Izbazel and Gamaliel are involved," said another seraph. "We also know that you have not had close ties with either of them in the past. If you tell us everything, we may be disposed to believe that you are not directly involved in the rebellion."

"Izbazel and Gamaliel are idiots," Mercury said. "I would never have anything to do with those two."

"That's a good start," said Cravutius. "Now what can you tell me about the renegades?"

"Renegade," said Mercury.

"Excuse me?"

"As far as I can tell," Mercury said, "there is only one renegade angel."

"Only one? Are you saying that Gamaliel is not in on the plot? That Izbazel is somehow using him for his own ends? Because we have some reason to believe...."

"No," said Mercury. "I mean neither of them is a renegade. They're both just following orders."

"I can say with certainty that they are not," said Cravutius. "We have a.s.surances from representatives of Michael himself that his ministry is not running any covert operations involving either of them."

"You misunderstand me," said Mercury. "I didn't say whose orders they are following."

"Careful, Mercury," warned the other angel who had spoken up. "If you are making accusations, you had better be able to back them up."

Mercury shrugged. "I'm making no accusations. You asked me about the renegades, and I'm telling you that as far as I can tell, every angel I know is just following orders. Every angel, that is, but one. He's your renegade."

"And that angel would be...?"

"Well, me, of course," said Mercury. "I mean, 'I'. That angel would be I. That's right, isn't it?" He turned to Christine.

"I think so," said Christine. "The question is whether I I is the subject or the direct object in that sentence. I believe that the consensus is that the correct statement would be 'That angel is I.' To be more precise, if you a.s.sume that 'would be' is a linking verb, you would use the " is the subject or the direct object in that sentence. I believe that the consensus is that the correct statement would be 'That angel is I.' To be more precise, if you a.s.sume that 'would be' is a linking verb, you would use the "

"Are you being coy with this court?" seethed Cravutius.

"Not at all," said Mercury. "I should be the subject of this inquiry. Or the direct object. Whichever. I'm your renegade."

"Meaning what?" demanded Cravutius.

"Meaning," said Mercury, "that all of the angels I have encountered are following somebody's orders. All except for me. I'm acting autonomously. Ergo Ergo, I'm your renegade."

"You," hissed Cravutius, "are a joke joke. A laughingstock among angels. Do you realize that?"

"Well," said Mercury, "My philosophy has always been that if you can make one person laugh, you're already doing better than John Calvin."

You don't even rise to the level of a renegade," said the other vocal angel. "You're just a spoiled child, doing his best to make the adults angry."

"Wow," said Christine. Suddenly all eyes were on her.

"I mean, you're totally right," she said to the angel who had spoken last. "He is is like a spoiled child." like a spoiled child."

"So you disapprove of his behavior," said the center angel.

"To the contrary," said Christine. "I finally understand why he's such a pain in the a.s.s. You self-righteous baboons are enough to make Job rethink his allegiances."

"See?" said Mercury to Christine. "It's not just me, right?"

"You DARE?!" growled Cravutius. "Speak to me in this manner again, and I will"

"You'll what what?" snapped Christine. "What are you going to do to me that trumps the Apocalypse Apocalypse that you're planning for my planet? You've played that card already, Clarence." that you're planning for my planet? You've played that card already, Clarence."

"'Clarence'?" asked Mercury.

Christine shrugged apologetically. "He's the angel from 'It's a Wonderful Life.' I was trying to think of a more insulting angel name, but I've got nothing."

"Christine Temetri," hissed Cravutius, "The Mundane Apocalypse is part of a much larger plan, one that would boggle your mind with its far-reaching consequences. It is not given to a lone mortal such as yourself to understand the...."

"Yeah, I get it," said Christine. "You are the great and powerful wizard, and I'm not in Kansas any more. Look, you people need to get your heads out of your a.s.ses and recognize that your vaunted plan isn't worth the lambskin it's written on. I know this is going to come as a big shock to you, but Lucifer is not cool with your plan. See, he evidently read the whole thing, down to the part where he gets thrown in a pit to rot for a thousand years, and he's decided to pursue other options."

"Nonsense," said Uzziel. "The Apocalypse Accord is completely binding on both sides. Heaven's lawyers have been poring over it for centuries, looking for any possible loophole. It's as airtight as contracts get. Hermetically sealed."

"I did no such thing," said Mercury.

Uzziel looked puzzled. "What does that mean? You did no such thing."

"It's a joke," Mercury explained patiently. "'Mercury' is the Roman name for "

"Silence!" growled Cravutius again. "We are not here to discuss any supposed violation of the Accord. The only threat to the balance at present is the activities of this rogue group of angels with which, I am increasingly beginning to suspect, you are both complicit. If the forces of destruction triumph in the upcoming struggle, it will only be because of the irresponsible actions of these angels."

"Forces of destruction," mused Mercury. "That's an interesting way to characterize your enemy. You know what I was doing before Uzziel here hauled me in front of this court? I was making a snowman."

No one seemed to know quite what to make of this remark.

"A snowman," repeated Mercury. "Do you know who is threatened by a snowman?"

They still stared at Mercury, puzzled.

"No one!" Mercury declared. "A snowman is no threat to anyone. All it does is stand there and make people feel warm inside, with its big trash can nose and bowling ball eyes."

"You're supposed to use a carrot and lumps of coal," said Christine.

"I had to improvise," Mercury said. "Problems of scale. The point is," he said, turning back to the panel, "there is never any reason to wreck a snowman. Wrecking a snowman is just pointless destruction."

"Mercury," said Cravutius. "I've had about enough of this. If you don't start telling me what you know about this rebellion, I may decide that you are of no more use to us."

Mercury went on, unfazed. "That's what I'm telling you," he said. "I've figured it out. I'm the rebellion. I'm the one you want. I realized it when Uzziel wrecked my snowman. I realized what side I'm on."

"And that side is?"

"The one that doesn't wreck snowmen. I'm on the pro-snowman side."

"Alright," said Cravutius. "That's enough. Take Mercury away. Perhaps the woman "

"Listen," said Mercury. "I'll tell you want you want to know. I will. But I want some a.s.surances first."

"a.s.surances of what?"

"a.s.surances that you won't harm any more snowmen."

Even Christine was now ready to desert him. "Mercury, are you sure that's the condition that you want to make?"

"Absolutely," said Mercury. "There's no reason to destroy a snowman. I want a.s.surance that you won't hurt any more snowmen."

"Fine," said Cravutius impatiently. "Now tell us...."

"Nor, through inaction, will you cause any snowmen to be harmed."

"I can't possibly make such a.s.surances. The Apocalypse is nigh. Some snowmen are inevitably going to be harmed."

"I'm afraid I can't accept that," said Mercury.

"Mercury," said Uzziel. "Enough of this silliness. Get a grip on yourself. This is a real conflict, with real consequences. Are you really willing to allow your fellow angels to come to harm in order to protect fake people made out of snow fake people made out of snow?

Mercury replied without hesitation, "An angel may protect himself, as long as doing so does not conflict with the first or second laws of snowman protection."

"Look," said Christine. "Let's be reasonable. I'm sure Mercury is willing to make some concessions regarding the protection of snowmen if you seraphim will simply listen to us, and try to understand where we are coming from."

Mercury shrugged.

The angels glanced at one another. Finally Cravutius sighed resignedly. "We will listen to what you have to say," he said.

"Here's the thing," Christine said. "I understand that you believe you are acting in the interest of the Divine Plan. But what if we're misinterpreting the Divine Plan? If G.o.d had needed a bunch of unquestioning robots "

"Or snowmen," Mercury added.

"Right," Christine went on, "If G.o.d had wanted a bunch of unquestioning snowmen to execute his plan, He could have created them. But He created us. Human beings and angels who have minds, who question things. He gave us the ability to question this so-called 'Divine Plan.' Why? Maybe because it needs to be questioned sometimes. Maybe, in fact, it's not the Divine Plan after all. Maybe this is all some sort of test."

"Blasphemy!" shouted Uzziel. "Don't you see what you're saying? If you start questioning the Plan, and saying 'Well, maybe there's another plan above this one,' what's to stop you from saying maybe that's not the real plan either? Maybe there's another plan above that, and another above that. Where does it stop?"

"It stops," said Christine, "here. It stops with us, right now. We stop following orders for the sake of following orders. We stop going along with arbitrary rules just because someone told us that it's G.o.d's will. We stop this plot to destroy this world. My My world." world."

"Yeah!" exclaimed Mercury. "Let's stop it! How are we going to stop it?"

"The Apocalypse is not simply a plan to destroy the world," Cravutius said. "I understand that is how it must appear to you...."

"No," Christine said. "I mean, yes, it does appear that way. But that's not the plan I'm talking about. This is what we've been trying to tell you. Lucifer is reneging on the Apocalypse deal."

"The Antichrist!" bellowed Mercury. "That's it! We have to stop them from killing Karl!"

"The renegades?" said Cravutius.

"There are no renegades," said Christine. "Izbazel and Gamaliel are working for Lucifer. They're going to kill Karl and blame it on Michael. They'll withdraw from the Apocalypse Accord and attack the Mundane Plane on their own terms. They've used the Attache Case of Death to start targeted earthquakes that have reconfigured the energy channels, allowing them to open a portal in my condo. They're going to send a horde of demons with anti-bombs through to wipe out earth."

"Nice summary," observed Mercury.

"Thanks," said Christine. "It's taken until now for me to put it all together."

The panel of seraphim sat in stunned silence. After some time, Cravutius spoke.

"Where is the Antichrist now?"

Uzziel answered. "He's with Harold Giddings, the owner of the Banner Banner. We expect Harold to officially denounce Karl as the Antichrist this evening at the Covenant Holders conference in Anaheim."

Now Christine was confused. "I thought Harry was giving a speech about religious media or something," she said. "What's this about him denouncing Karl?"

"Harry believes he's on a divine mission to herald the arrival of the Antichrist," said Uzziel. "Our understanding is that he was selected by Prophecy Division to receive certain information about the Apocalypse via Angel Band. We haven't been able to get any details, of course. You know how it is trying to get any information out of Prophecy. We think something may have gone wrong, though. We've recently learned that he has had contact with one or more fallen angels for some time now. Possibly years."

"Harry has been talking to angels?" Christine asked incredulously. "Fallen angels?" angels?"

"Listening to them, at least," said Uzziel. "The M.O.C. has apparently known for some time that he has had contact with one of the Fallen, but the information has only just made it to our division. And it's still not clear to whom he's been listening, or for how long."

"How is it possible," interjected Cravutius, "that this Harold Giddings has been able to receive transmissions from fallen angels without us knowing?" He turned to Uzziel. "Don't you people track these sorts of interplanar communications?"

"Of course, your holiness," said Uzziel. "But that's just the thing: it doesn't appear that the angel, or angels, have been using interplanar frequencies."

"So... Angels have been visiting him in person? And somehow you failed to notice that?"

"No, your holiness. They are communicating via Angel Band. The transmissions seem to have originated on the Mundane Plane."

"So there's an angel, or angels, on the Mundane Plane somewhere, who has been talking to Harold Giddings over Angel Band, possibly for years, but you have no idea who they are, where they are, why they are talking to Harold Giddings or what they are telling him?"

"Er, yes, your holiness," acknowledged Uzziel sheepishly. "You see, we're not set up to track intraplanar Angel Band communications. Normally one would expect the angel's superiors to keep tabs on what that angel is doing, but since we have no idea who these angels are, we have no idea who they report to. Clearly someone has gone off the reservation, but it's impossible at this point to know who. Harold Giddings has, of course, been under surveillance since being cla.s.sified as a Person of Apocalyptic Interest, but it's very difficult to intercept these sorts of intraplanar communications.

"In any case, what we do know is that Harold believes that he has been chosen to proclaim the beginning of the Apocalypse. And he is now convinced that his whole life has been leading up to his public denunciation of the Antichrist at this Covenant Holders conference."

"That's where they'll kill him," said Mercury. "It's their best opportunity. Karl will be on stage, in front of forty thousand people. And once Harry denounces him, there will be no question as to Karl's legal status as the Antichrist. They'll kill Karl, and Lucifer will blame it on Heaven and cancel his plans for a war in the Middle East which he was never going to follow through on anyway, because his focus is on Southern California."

"If this were true," Cravutius said, "we would be powerless to do anything about it. That is, we can convene a hearing into initiating an investigation into the alleged violation of the Accord...."

"Yes," said Christine. "Be sure to look me up on my molten slag heap of a planet and let me know what you find out."

"It's true," said Mercury. "There's nothing they can do. If agents of Heaven are seen interfering with the denunciation of the Antichrist, it will have the same effect as killing him. Lucifer will cry foul, and the rest of his plan falls nicely into place."

"So... what?" Christine demanded. "We do nothing?"

"No," said Mercury. "They do nothing." He motioned toward the panel. " do nothing." He motioned toward the panel. "We can still stop this." can still stop this."

"Out of the question," said Uzziel. "The two of you cannot be allowed to run rampant on earth. You will both be quarantined indefinitely until we can verify your claims."