The Debutante Divorcee Part 8

By the time I got home that night, I had decided, rather than be depressed by Phoebe's glittering wifeliness, to be inspired by it. There was no point, after all, in making myself miserable wondering where exactly one got chic little tweed capelets, or how on earth eight-months-pregnant people could fit into Kate Moss jeans: it was much better to take a leaf out of Phoebe's book and make an effort to be glowing for one's husband rather than gloomy. I would cook Hunter a delicious risotto, and change into a new jersey dress I'd bought a few days ago from Daryl K before he got back. It had a slightly offbeat cut, which made me feel a little avant-garde and s.e.xy. Phoebe was right, I thought to myself, as I slipped the dress on. Being a wife was infinitely more enjoyable in good clothes.

Just as I was starting to chop the onions, the buzzer rang: that must be the dry cleaning. I rifled in my bag for some money and went to open the door. Jim, the Chinese delivery boy from World Cla.s.s Cleaners on Ninth Street was standing there weighed down with a pile of Hunter's suits and my evening dresses. I helped him in with them, and he laid the whole lot over a chair in the hall.

"Thanks," I said. "How much is it?"

"Eighty-five dollar," replied Jim.

I gave Jim ninety and told him to keep the change.

"Thanks, miss," he said, tucking it in his belt.

"See you next time," I said, holding open the door.

Jim was almost out the door, when he turned and said, "This in Mr. Mortimer pocket, miss."

He shoved something into my hand and disappeared off down the corridor. As I shut the door I looked at what Jim had given me: it was a small, clear plastic Ziploc bag. It looked like it had a bunch of receipts in it. That was nice of Jim, to rescue Hunter's bills, I thought. As I went to put the bag on the hall table for Hunter, something caught my eye on the receipt at the top of the stack. Was that...I picked the bag up again and looked closer through the plastic. Was that a sign printed on the top receipt?

It couldn't be, could it? Anxiety enveloping me, I tore open the bag and grabbed the receipt. It read,

BLAKES HOTEL.

33 Roland Gardens London SW7 17th September Room charge: 495.00.

Room service: 175.00.

Mini bar: 149.00.

Mini bar! Mini bar? Hunter had drunk three hundred bucks worth of alcohol! In a hotel room! In one of the s.e.xiest hotels in London! I felt myself panic: I checked the date again, wracking my brain. September 17th. Two weeks before Lauren's divorce shower. It was That Weekend, I was sure of it, when Hunter had been impossible to get hold of in Paris. Phoebe had seen him in London. Hunter had point-blank lied to me and, worse, blamed an innocent, pregnant woman's mushy brain.

My hands were trembling. Maybe I was getting MS, I feared, regarding my wavering fingers. Maybe my husband had caused me to contract MS by his callous hotel-hopping activities. This was hideous. What was I going to do? Should I call Hunter now and tell him I had found him out? Or was I too emotional? Should I call Lauren and tell her what I'd found? Or would she call in the lawyers then and there? Maybe- "h.e.l.lo, darling."

I jumped. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts I hadn't noticed Hunter slip into the apartment. Before I could say anything, he was kissing me h.e.l.lo and stroking my hair, as though he could see I needed to be calmed down.

"Oh, Sylvie, what a great dress this is on you," said Hunter. Noticing the pile of clothes he added, "Thank you for getting the dry cleaning. You really don't need to...you're so busy. I could have picked it up."

I didn't say a thing. Anyone ever hear of something called domestic un-bliss?

11.

Socialite Baby.

I can't say I was really in the mood for Phoebe's Baby Buggy luncheon the next day: all I could think about was that London hotel bill, and what on earth I was going to say to Hunter. But when I told Thack I was too busy at the office to slip out to Phoebe's lunch, hoping he'd agree, he did quite the opposite and pressured me to go. Alixe Carter was a patron of the Baby Buggy charity, and he wanted me to try and nail her down for another fitting-she had never bothered to call us after not showing for that first fitting, even after I'd met her at the Divorce Shower.

Phoebe Bebe, situated on the corner of Was.h.i.+ngton and Horatio Streets, right next to the Christian Louboutin boutique, exactly matches the store's shopping bags. All the walls are painted pale yellow, and the trims are dove gray. When I arrived at the shop, it was already crammed with glossy-haired, baby-buggy-mad moms shopping for $750 cashmere bootie and cap sets aimed at the six-week-old demographic. Meanwhile, Phoebe was in the middle of the store with three publicists, who were orchestrating photographs of her and her friends in front of mounds of yellow, logo'd baby product.

"Have you met Armenia?" she hollered at me as I walked up to her.

Phoebe was dressed in a long, gold vintage Halston dress with just enough give for her bulging belly. She had a tiny satin purse in one hand, and in the other was clutched a sixteen-month-old child. Somehow, she was simultaneously sipping a gla.s.s of water.

"Ooooh! She's going to be a supermodel," shrieked one of the publicists at the child. "Quick. Photo. Photo? OK. Lemme take that drink from you."

While Casey Silbert, the aforementioned publicist, s.n.a.t.c.hed her gla.s.s, Phoebe professionally contorted her face into a maternal but youthful smile for five photographers who appeared, snap-snap-snapped her, and vanished, like human shooting stars.

"Good girl," said Phoebe, jiggling the child on her waif-like hip. "We call her Meni for short."

"What a sweet name," I said.

"Isn't she amazing-"

That second there was an explosion of flashes from the back of the store. Phoebe's head swiveled, mid-sentence, in the direction of the glittering light.

"Look! There's Valerie with Baba. I think it's short for Balthazar," said Phoebe, rus.h.i.+ng off in the direction of another glamorous girl whose baby was squished photogenically into a fur-lined Baby Bjorn on her front.

The fact was, the only people anyone was taking any real notice of were the cherubic babies in the crowd, of which more kept arriving. This is, though, the era of Socialite Baby. Rarely older than eighteen months, Socialite Baby attends only the grooviest events-art galas, exclusive movie preview dinners, fas.h.i.+on shows (front row only. What's the point of bringing your baby if you're in the second row and no one can see it?). Before it is barely three weeks old, Socialite Baby has ninety-six Google entries, knows its way around the dressing rooms at Yoya Mart better than its own cot, and has met Kate Winslet's kids at least three times at baby music cla.s.s at Soho House. The identifying marks of a bona fide Socialite Baby include bluish-black craters beneath the eyes and an exhausted green tinge to the infantile skin. If you don't recognize one at a party, no matter-Socialite Baby is so heavily photographed you can always identify one a few days later by flicking through the pages of Gotham or New York magazine, in which there are usually at least three Socialite Babies showcased on the party pages.

Hmm, I thought, scanning the room. There was no sign of Alixe Carter. Maybe Phoebe would know where she had gotten to. I headed through the throng of girls toward her, feeling less and less glossy the deeper into the party I got. Judging from the spectacular array of outfits here, I was the only girl who'd come from an office. I had thrown a beautiful embroidered coat of Thack's over my jeans when I'd left work, but I couldn't compete with girls who'd been at Blow all morning getting hair and makeup done.

"Seen Alixe Carter?" I mouthed at Phoebe across the ma.s.s of women crowding around her.

"She just went to the restroom. Spenderella's had to take a break!" Phoebe yelled back. "She hasn't even got kids, and she's bought three gold satin diaper bags. She just can't stop herself."

"Thanks," I said, and headed toward the "Powder Room" sign at the back of the store.

Phoebe's powder room looked like a charming guest bedroom. A small sofa upholstered in white cotton printed with yellow roses sat invitingly at one end of the room. A heavy, gilt-framed, antique mirror hung above the basin, and a huge vase of yellow roses stood in front of it. Piles of yellow sugared almonds were heaped into little silver dishes. Small bottles of water had labels printed with the words EAU BeBe in silver lettering. It was all soft pseudo-French perfection, even though Phoebe wasn't the slightest bit French. She was (secretly) from Miami.

There was no sign of Alixe Carter. I was rather relieved. I was so wound up about the hotel bill that I really wasn't in the mood for sweet-talking a woman like her right now. Maybe I could have a break in here from the madness outside, I thought. The bathroom was occupied, so I collapsed into an armchair, in, I suppose, a sort of personal sulk. What was I going to do? I kept asking myself over and over. There was only one outcome if I confronted Hunter, I thought with dread. But I couldn't not confront him...or could I? Why couldn't I just gloss over the suspicious hotel bill, forget it? Is that what wives did?

It was in this disconcerted frame of mind that I noticed a giggle-giggle-giggle sound drifting to my ears from behind the bathroom door. Then a husky, cigarette-hewn voice whispered, "I f.u.c.ked him standing up in the hallway. Adorable Nicky. When I asked him how old he is, he said, 'I'm going to be nineteen.'"

My ears, I'm ashamed to admit, perked up.

"Eew! Where does he live?" said another voice.

"On 117th Street, with his mom and dad."

"You are trash. Trash."

"I know. I love it."

I couldn't figure out who owned the cigarette voice, but it was soon obvious who the other party was: Lauren. Slowly, a silver twist of cigarette smoke crept from under the restroom door.

"Gross!" shrieked the Lauren voice.

The door opened and Lauren tumbled out, followed by a fog of smoke and Tinsley, who, cigarette between her lips, was almost unrecognizable. She was wearing tight black leather trousers and a white blouse, the most noticeable feature of which was the amount of bosom it revealed. She had a diamond-studded Cartier watch on her left wrist and huge pale pink diamond studs in her ears. It was a bizarre evolution from her gamekeeper incarnation of a few days ago.

"Sylvie, I'm so glad you're here," said Lauren when she saw me.

"Look at me." said Tinsley, without removing her cigarette. "I've turned into Kimora Lee Simmons. I'm getting much younger guys with this look."

"It's worth it, then," I replied, amused.

"This powder room is the best spot in the store. Please, can we not go back out there? I'm really enjoying fiddling with my makeup in here," said Lauren. "I adore Phoebe, but she's insane. I mean yeah, like, there's really fifty zillion kids who are dying to get their hands on that $20,000 baby-llama-hair sleeping blanket."

Lauren and Tinsley each grabbed a bottle of baby water and squished onto the sofa opposite me. Tinsley nonchalantly emptied a dish of the sugared almonds into the trash bin and flicked her cigarette into the pristine silver tray. She clocked me clocking her.

"Phoebe likes me being bad. I'm her only outlet. She's so...well-behaved. I don't understand her," she declared, looking confused. Tinsley opened her purse and dug out a mascara wand and a tiny hand mirror. "This looks tres Kimora if you load it on like cement," she said, starting to apply the eye makeup.

"You are not going to believe what happened to me last night," said Lauren, looking at me.

"What?" I asked.

"She had five o.r.g.a.s.ms," interrupted Tinsley.

"How can you be positive it was five?" I asked.

A girl has to be sure of the exact amount of o.r.g.a.s.ms she's potentially missing out on by being married.

"Because last night there were precisely five condoms in the packet. And this morning there were precisely none, and I came every time," declared Lauren, matter of factly. There wasn't a hint of embarra.s.sment about her.

"Who is Five o.r.g.a.s.ms? Does he have a name?" I inquired.

"Yes, but I can't remember it. Two down on the Make Out Marathon! I've ordered a new, white Kelly Mu with rose gold hardware to celebrate Number Two. G.o.d, he was unbelievable! That was more o.r.g.a.s.ms in one night than I had in my entire marriage," squealed Lauren, opening her makeup purse and rummaging around in it.

"I thought it was a...Make Out Challenge," I teased her. "Kissing only?"

"I'm not in high school any more," said Lauren. "Divorcees like..."

"f.u.c.king," said Tinsley absentmindedly. "Lauren, have you got that sticky lip gloss I like in your purse? Chanel Sirop? Nicky adores it. It glues me to his face. We've got a daytime rendezvous in half an hour. There's going to be a lot of f-"

"-enough," interrupted Lauren. "Sylvie is a respectable married girl. She'll die if she hears you talk about that one more time. Here." She handed Tinsley a pink stick of lip gloss.

The truth is that in New York wives make love, girlfriends have s.e.x, and divorcees f.u.c.k. The opportunities in the city for such activity are endless. After all, there's a luxury hotel every inch of every block, usually with excellent f.u.c.king facilities included in the tariff. The Playground, the most expensive suite at Soho House, has a bed the size of France, a bath bigger than the Pacific, plus a shower that is as whooshy as Niagara Falls and shoots water at you from every conceivable angle. It's booked up every Sat.u.r.day night between now and 2007 by divorcees. Lauren's Make Out Challenge seemed to have evolved in the last twenty-four hours into a lip-gloss and condom-dependent, s.e.x-without-commitment compet.i.tion with Tinsley.

"It's my fault. I'm a terrible influence," said Tinsley. She was swis.h.i.+ng the lip-gloss wand back and forth, back and forth, over her lips. They seemed to visibly swell and pinken every time. When she was done they looked like two plump little c.o.c.ktail sausages. "This stuff is genius. Doormen, beware! G.o.d, am I so tacky or what?"

Tinsley had gone boy-mad, boy being the operative word. She was currently very much "enjoying herself," as she liked to put it, with her eighteen-year-old doorman, the aforementioned Nicky, as well as with her twenty-one-year-old FreshDirect delivery guy, who was generally given access to her building by the aforementioned youthful doorman. Tinsley was thrilled with her Mrs. Robinsonstyle Love Triangle and relished the logistical complications.

"What about Moscow Make Out?" I asked Lauren, thinking of the UnGoogle-able man. "Does he still count as Make Out potential?"

"I'm obviously still completely madly in love with him," Lauren smiled. "I think I'm on to him. His first name is 'Giles.' Isn't that a hot name? He's going to be at the ice polo next month, I'm sure of it-"

"-who's 'Moscow'?" interrupted Tinsley, suddenly alert.

"No one," said Lauren, starting to open her compact and mouthing "Don't say anything" at me.

"So, listen, I have some very unfortunate news about Marci," declared Tinsley.

"I know it already," said Lauren.

"What?" I asked.

"She found Christopher in bed with her ex-college roommate. At least that's the rumor being spread out there by the Baby Buggy chair, Valerie Gervalt," said Tinsley.

"No," I said, shocked.

"All the signs were there. He was really vague about all those business trips, and Marci didn't think anything of it-fool. And she found a locked drawer in his desk-always a major indicator of infidelity. Then, he didn't notice her new Rochas gown. Six thousand dollars on his credit card and he didn't notice!"

"Is she OK?" I asked. "Maybe I could go visit her. Poor Marci."

"She hasn't eaten in four days. She looks like a prisoner of war. She's thrilled. She hasn't lost that much weight since her bout with anorexia in 1987," said Tinsley.

"Stop being so cruel, T.," said Lauren. "Marci's in terrible shape. She really needs her friends right now. I'm going over there tomorrow. She's well rid of that cheating creep. She'll have more fun as a divorcee anyway."

"Do you think we should go back out there?" I asked. "I'm supposed to be looking for Alixe Carter."

"I wanna see some of those cutie mommies and babies. Lauren, you are trash," laughed Tinsley, stubbing out her cigarette. She twirled out the door.

I didn't make any effort to get up; nor did Lauren. I popped an almond in my mouth and crunched it noisily.

"What's wrong?'

"Nothing," I lied. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to tell Lauren about the hotel bill.

"You look depressed. Was it our conversation? Did it totally disgust you? You look really depressed."

Was it that obvious?

"It's Hunter's...dry cleaning," I said.