If I Break: Beautifully Broken Part 8

Lauren It's going to be a new wonderful fantastic day. Well, even if it's not, it can't get any worse than yesterday. The sky would literally have to fall to beat that disaster. I think back to last year, when it was just me and Caylen, how simple things were then. Except I was lonely, frustrated and I had a broken heart. The sad thing is not much has changed. Well, now I'm beyond frustrated, confused, and I'm afraid to break someone's heart. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for one of them, that I'm not strong enough for the other, yet I can't let either of them go. Great, right? At least I got to see Caylen. Hold her in my arms and her little smile makes all of this seem worth it. Even being called a s.l.u.t who used my own child to keep a man who is about to have me on the brink of a psychotic break down is worth her smile.

It took everything in me to not go after Jenna yesterday but I knew she was drunk, and deep down I can't blame her for being angry. I try to remind myself that my life wasn't the only one disrupted, hers was too. It's just hard to feel sorry for someone who is such a b.i.t.c.h, and how could she call me a wh.o.r.e when I'm the one married to...well, them I guess.

I'm married to them.

It's like the t.i.tle of a Jerry Springer episode.

I'm so hungry, but I've been avoiding the kitchen like the plague. I just can't see the Scotts right now. I can't help but feel it's my fault for Cal coming back, which to them is like spreading the plague. Then, being in the middle of Cal's epic tantrum. I know Mr. Scott blames me. Mrs. Scott was so sweet and comforting, yesterday. I know she's going through so much on her own. Not knowing who your son is going to be when he shows up, has to be as bad as not knowing who your husband is going to be. The good thing in all of this is Helen comes today, and I am hoping talking to her will help me to sort this out, to be able to talk honestly without worrying if I'm hurting someone. To tell someone how much I'm hurting. My phone starts to vibrate and I see it's Lisa. I instantly feel guilty about telling Chris what she told me. I at least should be the one to tell her before he does. I'm not sure if Chris will, but just in case.

"Hey," she says, not sounding like her usually chipper self.

"Hey Lisa. How are you?" I say, trying to muster up my own chipper tone.

"Okay, I guess. I was hoping you could meet me, so we can talk," she says, her voice almost monotone. Maybe Chris called her or went over there last night and she's p.i.s.sed.

"Uhm. Did you talk to Chris?"

"Not today. I wanted to talk to you first," she replies.

"Is everything okay?" I ask.

"Okay is relative isn't it?" she kids, sounding for a moment like the Lisa I've come to know.

"I have to meet with a friend later on today..."

"Can we meet now?" she interrupts. I look at the clock, it's not even 7:30 am.

"We can get breakfast. There's a diner named Goldman's about five minutes away from you. It's on me."

"Uh. Okay. Give me twenty minutes."

"Great. I'll text you the exact address."

"Thanks."

"Oh, and Lauren, can you not mention to Chris that you're meeting me?" she adds and the twinge of guilt I felt earlier turns into a complete stab.

"Please," she says after my long pause.

"Not a problem," I say hesitantly.

"See you soon."

When I walk into Goldman's, it's relatively empty. I guess for a Tuesday morning it's expected. I easily spot her in the booth stirring her iced water with a straw. I walk over to the booth and slide in.

"Thanks for coming," she says with a small grin. Her hair is pulled back into a short pony tail. She doesn't have her usual make up on. Any actually. Her blue eyes dart between me and her water.

"You didn't bring Caylen."

"No, Mrs. Scott is going to keep an eye on her until I get back."

"Chris didn't work today?"

"I'm not sure. I'm actually sort of avoiding him," I say with a sigh. Her eyebrow raises.

"You know the whole Cal coming back thing has kind of thrown things off track," I joke and I notice her smile tighten.

"About Cal. I'm so sorry that he spoke to you that way," I say apologetically.

"Did he say anything about me?" she says abruptly. Other than calling her a lying little c.u.n.t...

"Not much," I lie. She eyes me searching my expression as if she's looking for another answer. Or to see if I'm lying.

"I-I have to tell you something," I say hesitantly. Her eyes narrow in on me.

"I told Chris that you knew about Cal from when you were younger," I rattle off quickly. I expect her to become angry, to start screaming at me about how I betrayed her trust, but she doesn't. She laughs and lets out a relieved sigh.

"Oh that's it? It doesn't matter really, not now anyway I guess," she smiles, her blue eyes lighting back up.

"But other than spewing obscenities about me?" she asks with a dry chuckle.

"No, nothing other than that," I say, feeling a little more than uncomfortable.

"Why doesn't Cal like you?" I ask her bluntly and she seems a bit taken aback. "It's just. It seems like there's more to it than you spurning him in high school," I admit.

She looks away from me her attention going back to the lone lemon in her water gla.s.s.

"There are things that Cal knows about me that. That Chris doesn't," she says hesitantly.

"What kind of things?" I ask her and a sad smile spreads across her face.

"... Things that I regret doing," she pauses and I see tears well in her eyes.

"Things that could hurt a lot of people. Including Chris," she chokes out.

"Cal...he knows these things?" I ask her hesitantly. She nods. More secrets.

"Here you go hon. Are you ready to order?" a waitress asks, interrupting the most awkward conversation ever.

"Whatever she's having. Thank you," I say and the waitress nods before scurrying away.

"I hope you like egg white omelet," she jokes, while my heart is beating like a madwoman.

"If Cal knows whatever these things are, Chris can find out at any time Lisa. He's starting to remember things and not only that right now there's no way of knowing when Cal will come back. What type of things does he know?" I ask her urgently. "If Cal has something on Chris that can hurt him or put him in danger..."

"No, it's nothing like that. It won't put him in any danger or hurt him... physically," she says, vehemently shaking her head.

"Lisa, you can tell me," I say pleadingly.

"It's better that I don't tell you Lauren. Trust me. I told Aidan and he wishes he didn't know," she says, a smile on her face but a tear falling from her eye that she quickly wipes away.

"I asked you here because I'm going to tell Chris. I was going to tell him before all of this happened and I chickened out after talking to Cal and Aidan flipping out like he did... Now circ.u.mstances have changed where I don't really have a choice. I just have to get my courage back up. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was stupid...so stupid," she says, tears flooding her face.

"Lisa it can't be that bad. Whatever it is," I say sitting next to her in the booth and pulling her into a hug.

"We all make mistakes. We all do things that I'm sure we wish we could take back," I say, rubbing her back.

"I didn't ask you here to feel sorry for me," she chokes out. She pulls away from me and takes a deep breath.

"When I tell him Chris is going to need you Lauren. Like he never has before. Promise me you'll be there for him. That you won't let Cal destroy him."

My head's pounding. Lisa wouldn't budge with any specific information. She's going out of town for the next week to clear her head and when she comes back she's going to tell Chris and I can't help but feel like a huge anvil is going to drop. I don't know how to prepare for it. To prepare Chris for it. We have so much to deal with already I almost wish that whatever the h.e.l.l Lisa has to get off her chest she just swallows it until things return to normal, but I can't ask her to do that. I can't imagine holding something in like she is. Which is why I'm outside of Aidan's door hoping he's home. He hasn't answered my first few knocks, so now I've proceeded to bang on the door.

"I'm coming. s.h.i.+t!" I hear him yell. A few seconds later his door swings open and I feel my eyes widen.

"What the h.e.l.l?!" he growls. What the h.e.l.l are the right words! He's wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs revealing his five star sculpted military body. He has two black tattoos wrapping around his large biceps and I have to rip my eyes up from his hard chest heaving up and down.

"Oh, Lauren. Is everything okay?" he says, his tone going from an angry growl to concerned. I nod, trying to member why I'm even here as his baby blue eyes stare into mine. G.o.d, Aidan is hot!

I can't believe it's the first time I noticed how good he looks.

"Can I come in?" I ask, coming back down to reality.

"Yeah sure," he says opening the door for me to come in. I walk past him into his house. It's a lot smaller than the Scotts' and has an old fas.h.i.+oned feel to it with floral patterned sofas and a similar type wall paper. The one thing standing out is a brand new extremely big television. Then I remember that this is Aidan's grandmother's house. I'd bet the TV is his.

"Feel free to sit anywhere," he says, folding his arms across his chest.

"Sorry about earlier. It's just really f.u.c.king early," he says with a yawn. Whichever way he moves causes his muscles to flex.

"I'm not really in a hurry, if you want to go back and change," I suggest, gluing my eyes to the floor. I hear a dry chuckle escape his mouth.

"Uh. Sure. Give me a sec. I should probably brush my teeth too if you're not in a big hurry so you don't pa.s.s out from my morning breath," he laughs and I chuckle, watching him head to what I a.s.sume is his room.

A few minutes later he re-appears, this time in a pair of loose fitting pajamas and a wife beater. Much better.

"So what's up? Everything's okay...?" he asks hesitantly, sitting on the sofa across from me.

"I don't know. You tell me. I just came from breakfast with Lisa," I inform him and his expression sets into a frown. He lets out a deep sigh and claps his hands together in front of him.

"What did she tell you?" he asks, his voice unwavering.

"Basically that she's holding on to a bomb that she's going to drop that's going to affect my husband pretty badly, but not giving me any clue what it is. Which is going to drive me pretty crazy." Aidan lets out a low groan deep from his belly and runs his hand over his blonde hair that's grown quite a bit since I first met him.

"I can't tell you Lauren. It's not for me to share. I shouldn't even be involved," he says defensively.

"Please. You have to. I'm already a wreck and this has made things worse," I plead.

"If you know, it's going to make things a h.e.l.l of a lot worse for you than you not knowing. Trust me, I really wish I didn't know," he says, standing up from his sofa and pacing the room.

"Nothing is worse than the unknown."

"No there are A LOT of things worse than the unknown and this is one of them," he says back sternly.

"What can I do? Is there anything I can do to help with the fallout of this?" I ask and when his expression breaks and he shakes his head my stomach feels as if it's dropped several floors.

"I'm not sure but I think that what happened is what made him need Cal."

chapter 10.

September 26, 2008 Fate has to be a prankster. I know this because someone up there has to be laughing his a.s.s off at me. I never thought it'd happen to me, but it has. I've fallen for a girl. A girl I was only supposed to pay back for intervening in her life and f.u.c.king it up completely. Now I can't see her not being in mine. I knew once I slept with her things would change, I thought she'd get clingy and want to be around me all the time and not want to share me with other women. Turns out since I met her I can't even think about s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around with someone else. Not the way she makes me feel. Her smile makes me feel like everything I thought I had was worthless. I hate it but can't let it go at the same time.

Nothing will make me let it go.

"So you're sure you're ready to up the dosage on this?" Helen asks me for the third time.

"No, I'm not sure. I'm just wasting both of our time because I have nothing better do."

"You said it's safe, right?" I say, irritated with her hesitancy all of a sudden.

"We're still running clinical trials in Russia, and they are a lot more l..."

"Save me the FDA disclaimer Helen. I want to do this."

"Okay. Okay. Don't let me stop you," she says defensively.

"Not like I would," I give her a wink to let her know I'm an a.s.shole only in fun. She rolls her eyes at me and sighs.

"Remember, the slightest thing happens out of the ordinary, you let me know," she says, giving me a worrying grin. Like a mom would her son and I push that thought to the back of my brain where the garbage goes.

"So if I may ask," she starts.

"And you're going to ask anyway..."

"Why are you doing this Cal?"

"Seriously?" I ask her in disbelief.

"I think it's for the girl," she says knowingly.