Official Book Club Selection Part 13

I could do that. So I took him around showing him what I thought was fun about LA. We went to a taping of a show, I drove him around beautiful residential neighborhoods, and we ate at this landmark LA Mexican restaurant I loved cal ed El Cholo. Al the while I'm going through a checklist in my head. He's charming, funny, and smart. Check.

He's a computer IT guy for a smal graphic design company in DC, so he has a ful -time job. Check. He wants to be more responsible in life.

Check. He seems to get me and my s...o...b..z situation and not be freaked out by it. Check.

"What'd you think of my brother?" Rebecca asked me the next day.

"I real y, real y like him, but living in DC is a problem. So I guess I'm going to have to look for the LA version of your brother, instead."

"I real y think he's going to move out here," she said. I wasn't convinced as I hadn't heard him tel me this himself.

Nevertheless, I saw Matt a lot during those two weeks he was visiting in LA, and had a good time with him, but no moves were made, and I wasn't sure if we were friends or what. Then, after he returned to DC, we started corresponding by email and phone, and after a while he confessed that he felt his DC life had run its course and that he was open to moving to LA, possibly in a month or so. Suddenly this seemed like it wouldn't have to be a long-distance relations.h.i.+p. Maybe I'd found my Caucasian Marion Barry, minus the c.o.ke and hookers.

Then I landed a role on an independent movie starring Dominique Swain cal ed The Intern The Intern, which would be shooting in New York and required me to be there for a month. I cal ed Matt in DC, told him about my gig, and said, "Do you want to jump on the shuttle and spend the weekend with me?"

He said yes, and when I finished work on the movie on a Friday night, I took a taxi to LaGuardia and met him there. We spent a great romantic weekend together, walking around Central Park holding hands, going out to eat, nothing super fancy, just real y enjoying each other's company. So the next weekend I went to DC, and I booked a nice hotel and we stayed there. Then the fol owing weekend he came back to New York. It was on that trip that we went to eat at a restaurant on Seventh Avenue, and during the meal I could tel he was clearly uncomfortable.

As in visibly sweating.

"I have to tel you something," he said.

"Okay, what?"

"I can't afford this place. I can't real y afford any of this."

"Wel , what do you mean?" I said.

"I had to borrow money to buy my plane ticket here."

Matt's ten years younger than me. He was twenty-eight then, so when he said that, I began to think about my life at twenty-eight. I probably didn't have a lot of money, either, at that age. And we weren't exactly in a diner, or an inexpensive restaurant. This was a mildly upscale place where even if you ordered a burger-which I did-it was $17. I started justifying Matt's situation, and came to the conclusion that I'd rather he lay his cards on the table than put himself into debt.

"Okay, tel me what you can afford and just be honest about it," I said.

"I don't want you borrowing money from friends in order to date me.

Let's say you pay for what you can afford. I'm more than happy to go to a seven-dol ar burger joint. So when we go to those places, why don't you pick up that tab, and when I choose to go to a nice hotel or more expensive restaurant, or if I feel like going to a concert or a play and the tickets are two hundred dol ars, I'l pay for that because I'm choosing what we're doing."

The great Joan Rivers is a close enough friend that I can always ask her for advice about my relations.h.i.+ps.

(Photo: Joe Kohen/WireImage/Getty Images) That was the arrangement we made that day. I could see that it bothered him that he couldn't pick up the check and take care of me that way, and I thought it showed sensitivity, that he wasn't being cavalier about it. Early in our dating, I had a conversation with Joan Rivers about Matt, and I said to her, "I've started seeing this guy, and I real y, real y like him. He's a good guy, but he has no money. As in no no money. Meaning, I think I might be about to embark on a relations.h.i.+p where I'm going to be footing the bil 99 percent of the time. What do you think about that? money. Meaning, I think I might be about to embark on a relations.h.i.+p where I'm going to be footing the bil 99 percent of the time. What do you think about that?

Should I just look for guys with money, regardless of whether or not I like them, or fol ow my heart?"

She said something I always remembered. "You know, we al make our own deals."

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Look, n.o.body knows what happens in a relations.h.i.+p except the two people who are in it."

What Joan was saying was, tailor the relations.h.i.+p to the needs of the people in it. Who said it had to conform to a conventional template where the man paid for everything, or the woman had to act like a doormat, or each person had to be taken care of in certain, established ways? We al bring different things to the table.

In my case, I didn't need to be taken care of financial y. I didn't need a boyfriend to buy me a necklace. Matt was offering me something I desperately wanted, which I thought was love. He had many obvious qualities: He was smart, funny, and easy to get along with. But what separated him was that he genuinely seemed to be deeply in love with me. More than any man had ever been. I thought, I'm someone who very I'm someone who very much needs to be taken care of emotionally, I need someone who'll much needs to be taken care of emotionally, I need someone who'll put up with my moods and my c.r.a.p and be a good guy who's there for put up with my moods and my c.r.a.p and be a good guy who's there for me because of the pressures of what I do me because of the pressures of what I do. Now, I don't like guys who are cheap, but I feel like if a guy is hardworking and poor, that's not a crime. I'm okay with that. If paying for things was a way for me to fulfil a certain role, then I believed it was a deal worth making to be with a guy I considered an emotional partner. Plus, there were probably areas where I didn't meet every one of his criteria. Maybe he'd wanted a tal blonde, or someone younger, someone more book-smart-Matt was certainly brighter than I was-or someone who worked in a field less demanding or chaotic.

Most important, though, we had a good, open conversation about things. He told me what he couldn't do. I told him what I could could do, and what I was hoping for in a relations.h.i.+p. do, and what I was hoping for in a relations.h.i.+p.

Ironical y enough, after our talk, the waiter came over and told us there was an Oklahoma family at a nearby table who were big fans of mine, wanted to pick up our check, and just had. I turned to Matt and said with enthusiasm, "And sometimes that happens!"

Matt moved out to LA, and though he spent nearly every night at my house, I felt comforted by the fact that he had his own place, a shared rental with his sister and her boyfriend. As we got closer, it was evident he could handle himself wel in al sorts of situations, from being on the Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan set with me, to going to tedious work-oriented press or network events, to hanging out with my friends. Best of al , at the end of the day, when it was just us, we could share a pizza, laugh at the ridiculousness of s...o...b..z life or something on television, and just be a real couple. I thought he did a great job of being in my world, but al owing me into his world, too, meaning when he'd talk about the things he was interested in, I felt I could just listen to him forever. It was never just al about me. If we had to travel somewhere because of a work engagement, we'd turn it into a vacation where we would go on runs together, eat at someplace wonderful, stay up late to watch movies in the hotel. set with me, to going to tedious work-oriented press or network events, to hanging out with my friends. Best of al , at the end of the day, when it was just us, we could share a pizza, laugh at the ridiculousness of s...o...b..z life or something on television, and just be a real couple. I thought he did a great job of being in my world, but al owing me into his world, too, meaning when he'd talk about the things he was interested in, I felt I could just listen to him forever. It was never just al about me. If we had to travel somewhere because of a work engagement, we'd turn it into a vacation where we would go on runs together, eat at someplace wonderful, stay up late to watch movies in the hotel.

Best of al , Matt had a great att.i.tude about Hol ywood. He got a kick out of it, but wasn't overly impressed by it, either. It's a unique quality that I'd been hoping to find in a partner.

When Matt moved to LA, he didn't have a job at first, but then he found employment as an IT guy. The fact that he kept going from job to job, though-comments like "They're al idiots" and "I can't work in that environment anymore" kept coming up-was something I probably should not have turned a blind eye to at the time. But I was busy myself, and more and more I realized I needed somebody to be with me at events like the awards that I hosted or various stand-up gigs around the country. I'd ask Matt to come with me to these jobs, and he did because I think he sensed my need to have a supportive presence with me. But it admittedly caused problems with him keeping jobs back home.

I real y felt our relations.h.i.+p was working, though. One day, on a wonderful vacation in Mexico, we were in a beachfront hut-romantic, calm, beautiful-when Matt turned to me and said, "You know, Kathy, I love you and you mean the world to me. I'm so happy to be with you, and I feel that you've made my life better."

Matt often said loving things like that. "I love you, too," I said.

"I'd like to know if you would be my wife."

I was completely unprepared for this. "Are you doing a bit?" I joked.

He laughed and said, "No!"

"Seriously? You're asking me, or is this a bit?"

"No, I am not doing a bit!"

We were both laughing hard now, and then I said, "Did you ask my dad yet?"

"No."

"You're supposed to ask my dad first."

"I don't want to cal your dad."

"Wel you have to. That's the rule."

The whole thing was light and fun, and we just kept laughing about the formality of marriage proposals, and then I said, "Yes, I would like to marry you!" Pause. "But you have to cal my dad."

We went back to LA. Matt cal ed my dad, and Dad made some joke about somebody final y taking me off his back, and that was the start of our engagement. Since I wasn't inclined to have a typical wedding, I came up with an idea from an Oprah Oprah segment where a couple got a free wedding by promoting al the vendors on al the place cards at the tables. Wel , I could afford a wedding, so getting a free one was pointless. But I always felt that shel ing out tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dol ars, on a one-day party was a waste. What if I took the money I would have spent on a nuptials bash, donated it to charity instead, and then got people to sponsor the wedding? segment where a couple got a free wedding by promoting al the vendors on al the place cards at the tables. Wel , I could afford a wedding, so getting a free one was pointless. But I always felt that shel ing out tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dol ars, on a one-day party was a waste. What if I took the money I would have spent on a nuptials bash, donated it to charity instead, and then got people to sponsor the wedding?

I got the venue, the booze, the cake, everything donated, and in return these people got publicity because the wedding was covered by

People magazine and magazine and Entertainment Tonight Entertainment Tonight, and I talked about it everywhere I could. I then turned around and wrote a check to amFAR, the Foundation for AIDS Research, for $50,000, and requested al guests donate to them directly rather than give me gifts. In addition to being romantic and fun, the day also benefited an important organization.

Again with Brooke and looking kind of gay. G.o.d help me, I married the wrong person.

I made Brooke s.h.i.+elds my maid of honor, because her celebrity would help the charity tie-in cause. "Are you sure you want my face to be the last face you see as a single woman?" she responded, when I asked her to play this role.

The wedding party. On the right is Matt's best man. On the left is my best man.

"If I can get you a great loaner Richard Tyler dress, then yes, I'm sure."

What I meant was, if I could tel People People magazine that model Brooke s.h.i.+elds would be wearing a Richard Tyler c.o.c.ktail dress magazine that model Brooke s.h.i.+elds would be wearing a Richard Tyler c.o.c.ktail dress (People (People eats that s.h.i.+t up), then I was one step closer to getting a publication to cover it. By the way, both my beautiful wedding dress and Brooke's black c.o.c.ktail bridesmaid dress were designed by Richard Tyler. She got to keep hers. I had to give mine back. eats that s.h.i.+t up), then I was one step closer to getting a publication to cover it. By the way, both my beautiful wedding dress and Brooke's black c.o.c.ktail bridesmaid dress were designed by Richard Tyler. She got to keep hers. I had to give mine back.

Of course, Brooke being Brooke, she wanted to throw a bridal shower for me, even though I told her she didn't have to do anything but show up on my wedding day looking beautiful. With only a week's notice, she decided to host a shower for me at Chado Tea Room, with tea and scones and al things girly. Wel , it was so D-list, it cracked me up. Get this: two people two people showed up: my hair and makeup person Lisa, and my mom. I thought it was awesome, real y more a "luncheon" than anything as high and mighty as a "shower." But Brooke felt terrible. showed up: my hair and makeup person Lisa, and my mom. I thought it was awesome, real y more a "luncheon" than anything as high and mighty as a "shower." But Brooke felt terrible.

"Everybody I invited was unavailable!" she said.

Dad walking me down the aisle. Who knows what inappropriate joke he just cracked.

I sort of couldn't believe it. "You "You cal ed people up personal y and they said no?" cal ed people up personal y and they said no?"

"I know," she said dejectedly.

"Wel , that's a testament to how people feel about me," I said, and we al laughed.

February 18, 2001, was the big day. We held the wedding at a restaurant on the top floor of a building in Hol ywood, and it was real y casual and fun, just like I'd hoped. I loved the tongue-in-cheek elements, like walking down the aisle to Night Ranger's "Sister Christian," and Bil Maher toasting about how he hates marriage and thought I was marrying Matthew Modine. But Brooke rocked her toast as only Brooke could, saying how she felt Matt was this great calming figure in my life, and brought out my best side. People People magazine and magazine and ET ET were thril ed with the celebrities in attendance: Jenny McCarthy, Camryn Mannheim, Eric Idle, Jane Krakowski, the cast of were thril ed with the celebrities in attendance: Jenny McCarthy, Camryn Mannheim, Eric Idle, Jane Krakowski, the cast of Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan. The food was wonderful-although the cliche is true, neither Matt nor I had a bite of any of it-my dad gave a funny speech, and I was surrounded by my friends and loved ones. Plus, when Matt and I got home, after hitting a drive-thru to eat something, we discovered Brooke and her husband Chris had surprised us by putting rose petals al over the bed. It was undeniably romantic and gorgeous.

The first years of married life with Matt were, I have to say, blissful y happy. We got along great, and even when we didn't, we were able to talk about our problems and come to agreements. He wasn't a screamer. He'd be bright and rational about it. Our disagreements were hardly fights.

There were red flags, though, that I wish I'd paid more attention to, like Matt's work situation and his inability with money. After he quit his last job, he started expressing an interest in opening his own computer/IT consulting business. We had a pretty serious discussion about it one night. I told him it was obvious this was real y his dream, and that it seemed he was better suited being in business for himself rather than working someplace for someone else.

"How about this," I said. "I wil foot the bil for your new business entirely for a year. We'l build you an office downstairs in the house, and I'l do everything I can to support you."

For a year or so it didn't bother me that he wasn't going to a regular job job, because he was ostensibly starting his business, most of his clients being friends of mine I had hooked him up with. Plus, with Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan in the past, I was taking more road gigs, and he could accompany me because he was making his own hours. in the past, I was taking more road gigs, and he could accompany me because he was making his own hours.

Matt's mother, however, wasn't so sure about him starting his own business. "I don't think it's a good idea," she said to me once.

"Why?" I said.

"Matt needs structure. If he's just running his own business and accountable to no one but clients, that's not enough structure."

"Wel , I believe in him and think he can do it."

I thought, if it doesn't work after a year, he could go back to an in-house job. But what was beginning to worry me was that he could never seem to ama.s.s any kind of savings. Sometimes he'd get mad that being on the road with me didn't al ow him to service his clients properly.

I'd agree and then he wouldn't go on the next trip. But after a month I'd ask him if he'd saved anything. I was covering at least 95 percent of our expenses. He'd say, "I have eighty dol ars in the bank."

He was charging his clients $100 an hour. He'd tel me he was working five hours a day. He'd have made $2,500 that week. Where was the money, I'd ask?

He never had an answer. "I don't know, I don't know," he'd say. "I'm not good with money." This was such a foreign concept to me, being an adult and not knowing the basics about how to manage money.

I suppose I knew he wasn't good with money because I had gotten a different cal from his mother before we got married, about his car. She told me then that Matt didn't have good enough credit to get a loan for his car, so she'd cosigned, but then Matt began defaulting on his car payments and it was beginning to affect her credit. This surprised me, because while I knew Matt wasn't making much money, I certainly thought it was enough to make car payments.

"I thought you should know this," Matt's mother said to me, "because I don't think Matt realizes that it made my interest payments on my house much higher. After you marry him, this is going to become your your problem," she joked. problem," she joked.

I said, "Wel , I'm sorry he did that to you, but I'm not going to co-sign a car for him. I can't have him or anyone destroying my hard-earned credit rating." It's at those moments that I can't help but hear my finance-savvy mom's voice in my head saying, "Keep your money separate. If he's bad with money, don't commingle it. Use your head." I didn't tel Maggie about this, but I'm sure her radar would have gone off louder than mine did at the time.

When I confronted Matt about the car payments, he was remorseful, saying, "I didn't realize," but he also said his mother was exaggerating and being overly dramatic. But I had to stress to him, "Matt, this is a serious thing. You're a thirty-year-old man, you shouldn't need your mother to cosign for a car, and you never told me you'd defaulted on payments."

He said he'd pay her back, and I believed him. His finances were never my business, anyway. We didn't have any joint accounts. Frankly, I've never understood joint accounts between spouses. I can't imagine wanting to add my name to anyone's bank account, checking account, or credit card for any reason. Remember, folks, I was no spring chicken when I got married. I was forty. I thought the best way to make it a nonissue was to make it a nonissue and keep things separate. So I never asked to see paychecks, and I wasn't over his shoulder micromanaging him beyond occasional y showing concern for whether he'd saved money or not. But I real y thought between not paying for the house and sharing my insurance, and only having a few bil s-a car, a cel phone, not much else-that there was no way he couldn't make that work.

Those "I have only eighty dol ars in the bank" conversations were worrisome, but I never saw them as the end of the world. Remember, when you're in love with someone, you tend to overlook things. Mind you, when it came to his business, he was always getting up to go somewhere for it. He seemed to be on the phone constantly talking to clients. When I'd speak to friends I'd hooked him up with as clients, they always expressed that they liked Matt and thought he was real y nice. I never got into business specifics with them.

Things started getting tense when Matt started having trouble getting clients on his own. Pretty soon he was blaming me for the failure of his business, because as he put it, if he was at Newark airport with me, how could he get to a client's place in forty-five minutes if their computer crashed? I'd feel bad, and started thinking maybe his mother was right: Maybe he did need structure. But from what I could tel , he was always down in his office working, or going off somewhere to work. I trusted him.

The other big red flag, though, was that Matt gained about a hundred pounds in the first two years of our marriage. A hundred pounds A hundred pounds. When I met Matt he'd been training for a marathon, so the change was striking.

I don't care about a guy having ripped abs or anything, but he was putting on the weight so rapidly that I went from thinking, Oh, he's just Oh, he's just getting comfortable getting comfortable, to me saying, "Matt, is this a sign that you're unhappy? Is something going on?"

He always maintained, "I haven't worked out in a while."

"Wel , I'm not always working out, either, but you seem to have quadrupled your intake of food. Is it the cla.s.sic case of you stuffing down feelings? Do you need to express yourself more? What's up? I love you, anyway. You know that. I'm attracted to you, any shape. But are you bothered by something? I would be asking you these questions if you'd had a dramatic weight loss as wel . What's upsetting you?"

His steadfast response was always, "I've just got to get back to running."

I'd try to get him to go jogging with me, but he'd keep making excuses for why he couldn't go. What could I do? I couldn't force him to stop eating. Instead I just put faith in him coming to terms with whatever it was that was making him overeat.

When The D-List The D-List started filming in late 2004, we actual y made his started filming in late 2004, we actual y made his

weight a story line, that Matt was going to have gastric bypa.s.s surgery.

He never did, but I knew that filming in general would be another strain on a normal life for him-especial y growing his business-so I made sure he was financial y compensated by Bravo (Jessica, too), and I thought that would help him feel better about earning a living.

He seemed comfortable with the mic pack on, and I thought he was very natural on camera. Maybe this will be our life Maybe this will be our life, I thought. He makes He makes a living, whether nominal or good, and I subsidize the rest a living, whether nominal or good, and I subsidize the rest. That was fine with me. I never held it against him that he wasn't going to become a mil ionaire. I never thought, I'm going to put my foot down until he I'm going to put my foot down until he makes this level of money makes this level of money.

Instead, I thought, You know what? We're lucky. We're in a position You know what? We're lucky. We're in a position where I can carry the financial burden, and he can be the guy who's where I can carry the financial burden, and he can be the guy who's there for me. This can work there for me. This can work.

When D-List D-List filmed, al those potential worries about Matt's ways with money, his weight gain, and his struggles with business seemed to evaporate. Here we were, having fun together, but also working together, as a real team. filmed, al those potential worries about Matt's ways with money, his weight gain, and his struggles with business seemed to evaporate. Here we were, having fun together, but also working together, as a real team.

One afternoon, a phone cal from my accountant changed everything.

Matt and I holding on, perhaps a little too long. (Photo: Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank)