Official Book Club Selection Part 6

Then in front of this whole room of actors, writers, producers, she commanded, "Do it."

I remember thinking at that moment, Wow, the star just said "Jump," Wow, the star just said "Jump,"

and now it's my "How high?" moment. I'm the chick who's only going to be there four days, and it's an intimidating room of writers, and now I'm the dancing monkey. It's a power move, something only a celebrity or a corporate CEO would do. "You're the girl from that commercial. DO IT." It wasn't mean, but I certainly learned how much the tone of a show is set by the star, and it was clear that she set up a pretty tough energy. By the way, I did it. I reenacted that commercial. And then, as the week went on, I of course started f.u.c.king one of the production a.s.sistants. I showed her.

When I did the NBC sitcom Mad About You Mad About You, I remember Paul Reiser being very fun and friendly, and Helen Hunt being ... not. Then again, she real y seemed like she had one foot out the door. And when you look at that show, she real y did do the heavy lifting. She'd win Emmys for that series because Paul Reiser had al the funny lines while she rocked the acting when they'd do "a very special episode" about how her character couldn't get pregnant. So I got the impression that it had al gotten old for her, and that the show wasn't her thing anymore. She wanted movies, and sure enough, she won an Oscar not too long after for As Good As It As Good As It Gets Gets.

Another abrasive star I encountered was Thomas Haden Church, whom I worked with when I did an episode of Ned & Stacey Ned & Stacey, the short-lived sitcom he starred in with Debra Messing. Tom was coming off the long-running TV sitcom Wings Wings, on which he made a name for himself as the dim-bulb mechanic, and to this day, he is one of the funniest people I've ever met, and certainly one of the most talented sitcom actors I've ever watched work. I've never seen a sitcom actor improvise as much as he did, and his improvised lines were al funny. It didn't surprise me at al that he went on to get an Oscar nomination years later for the film Sideways Sideways.

But Tom was extremely tough. He was hard on poor Debra Messing, because comedy didn't come natural y to her. Don't get me wrong, she's very good at comedy, but she's not a comedian. And he ran those writers ragged. I remember, at the end of the run-through, he had al the writers stand in a circle and he screamed at them. It was one of the first times I'd watched a star act in a temperamental way, but at the same time, I thought, You know, he's right You know, he's right. I could see why people on that staff b.i.t.c.hed about him, but he was funnier than his writers. I've never seen anybody since improvise on a sitcom like him. I'm sure his behavior is the reason he doesn't have his own show now, but it got me thinking about how there's got to be a way to voice those same concerns but not completely p.i.s.s people off.

Tom was s.e.xy and good-looking in an offbeat way, and what was cool about him was that he treated me like a peer, not a girl. I completely interpreted it as that situation where guys are nicer to the girl when she isn't the hot chick. He just saw me as a human being-like a sister -and so it was "good ol' Kath" and a punch in the arm. Guys like that are not flirting with me, but at least they're not rude to me the way they might be to a girl who real y turns them off. I'm in a solid middle category, where I'm safe enough to hang out with and joke with. I can keep up with these kinds of guys, and it's nice.

George Clooney was like that, too, when I did a guest stint on ER ER. I was playing a scout leader with a troop of sick kids. I was nervous to be in a scene with him and Anthony Edwards. But the handsome Clooney immediately put me at ease, joking and being an al -around charmer.

I'l digress for a moment to tel you just what a man among men Clooney is, ladies and gays. A few years after that ER ER episode, I got asked to do a table read for the Steven Soderbergh movie episode, I got asked to do a table read for the Steven Soderbergh movie Out of Sight Out of Sight.

It wasn't an audition, just one of these movie situations where the filmmakers want to hear their script read out loud. I don't know why they asked me at al , but the cal came from my agent, and I quickly said, "Yes." It was going to be at Danny DeVito's house, since he was a producer on the film, and when I got there, they were very strict about where we could and couldn't go in the house, because of course I wanted a tour. Then the celebrities started showing up. Lolita Davidovich was there, reading the part that would go to Jennifer Lopez, and Don Cheadle, and big studio mucky-mucks. Of course, I didn't know anybody, and I was so nervous, clutching my script and trying to prepare, that when this nerdy guy came up to me and started making smal talk, I thought, "I don't have time for your needs, mister," so I turned to him and said, "I don't mean to be rude, but I kind of need to be studying right now." That was Soderbergh. Oopsy!

But when Clooney came in, with the room ful of people, he walked right up to me and said, "There's the s.e.xiest girl in the room!" and sat right next to me. I wil never forget that. He went out of his way just to be nice and make a fun joke, and I was much more relaxed from then on, and everyone in the room looked at me differently after that, which was nice. (I was reading a black woman's role, by the way, the one eventual y played by Viola Davis in the movie. You'd think my experience on Fresh Fresh Prince Prince working alongside Andrew Young would have helped me get that part, but alas, no.) working alongside Andrew Young would have helped me get that part, but alas, no.) Anyway, aside from discovering how great Clooney was, that ER ER gig was special for me because at the time I was sort of seeing Quentin Tarantino, who directed the episode I was in. I met him through the Groundlings. Julia Sweeney had become friends with Quentin, and wrangled him for the night during the week when we had a guest star perform with the main company. gig was special for me because at the time I was sort of seeing Quentin Tarantino, who directed the episode I was in. I met him through the Groundlings. Julia Sweeney had become friends with Quentin, and wrangled him for the night during the week when we had a guest star perform with the main company. Reservoir Dogs Reservoir Dogs had just come out and was the biggest thing in movies. We al went to dinner after the Groundlings show and I sat across from this larger-than-life character shouting with pa.s.sion and gesticulating wildly to make every point. had just come out and was the biggest thing in movies. We al went to dinner after the Groundlings show and I sat across from this larger-than-life character shouting with pa.s.sion and gesticulating wildly to make every point.

"Did you see Reservoir Dogs?" Reservoir Dogs?" he asked. he asked.

I told him I hadn't yet. That set him off, but jokingly, and with no smal amount of spastic confidence. "I can't believe it! You're the ONLY person in LA who hasn't seen it! It's genius! It's bril iant! It's a bril iant movie.

Ask anyone here! There's this scene where Michael Madsen starts to freak out and slice a cop's ear! And then there's this other scene with Tim Roth where he's bleeding out of his stomach for hours!"

He just started describing the whole movie, and then stopped himself.

"That's it! I'm gonna take you!"

I said, "Haven't you seen it a mil ion times already?"

He said, "There's a screening next week with the whole cast, and I'm taking you!"

So he took me, I was his date, but beforehand we went to dinner with Steve Buscemi, Lawrence Tierney, Tim Roth, and Michael Madsen. I was like, "Holy s.h.i.+t. How did I get at the indie-film heavy-hitter serious-actor table?" I said to Madsen, "I understand you play a pretty brutal character. You don't hit any chicks or anything, right? Cause I can't handle that." An opener I've used many times with attractive men.

Michael started playing with my hair, and doing his whole brooding, mumbling, bad-boy s.e.xy act, saying things like, "No, I would never hit a woman."

Movie actors are weird.

It was fun at dinner watching al the actors fawn al over their beloved Quentin. I was dazzled by him as wel . He has a rapport with actors and movie stars that cuts through their Hol ywood BS, and he's able to communicate with them as if he's talking to real human beings. He came from the fan-boy world, sure, but I felt like every star at that table knew they were in the presence of The Great Tarantino.

I went out with him only a couple of times, and I'm so glad I got to know him. He put me in smal parts in several of his projects: Pulp Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms Fiction, Four Rooms, and his episode of ER ER. But there is a dark side to Quentin Tarantino you haven't known about til now. I spent the night with him. That's right. The whole night. In bed. What we did is, um, a little hard for me to reveal. (Cue Barbara Walters.) Drum rol . We ... cuddled cuddled.

Yeah. Cuddled. Anybody could have f.u.c.ked him. It takes a lot of bal s to cuddle with Tarantino. He had come over to my studio apartment one night and we were joking around about whether or not he should stay the night. I made the point that I wouldn't be able to respect myself in the morning if I didn't f.u.c.k him. Because I didn't want to be one of those girls who did "that thing" with a guy. You know that thing, girls, where you decide you're not ready to sleep with someone, so you just want to cuddle for a night? Not on my watch, b.i.t.c.hes. But Tarantino, being the persuasive cinematic artiste he was, was determined to see if I could go al night without f.u.c.king the s.h.i.+t out of him. So we did "the thing"

instead. I've never felt so dirty.

Anyway, back to ER ER. This is how dorky I was about my day on that show. A little background first: With every TV or film job I got, I would make sure that I had a deal where my parents were al owed to come to the set. I wasn't a child actor. I was a woman in my thirties. And I took them to everything everything. I'd book the gig, and then add, "Oh, can I get a drive-on for John and Maggie Griffin?" My mother in her muumuu met nearly every giant star. When I did this low-budget indie comedy for Bobcat Goldthwait cal ed Shakes the Clown Shakes the Clown, I made sure they came to the set the day Robin Wil iams was scheduled to film a cameo.

Thankful y, Robin in his downtime didn't go hide out in his trailer. He was so restless he stayed in this communal room and performed al day. So my parents set up two chairs, like a smal theater, and basical y got to watch one of the biggest comedy stars of al time perform off and on al day. It was a complete treat for my dad, who was a huge fan.

Me being a typical stage daughter, dragging her parents to a set.

So even though I was only working one day one day on on ER ER, I brought my parents. To taping, lunch, everything. They had a set kit in the car -cooler, folding chairs, water for survival (although a box of wine was preferred)-for these very moments. I, of course, a.s.sumed everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo. In much the way I complain about people bringing their children to work, I am, it turns out, worse than any new parent. But the deal is, as those of you who watch The D-List The D-List know, Mom and Dad were so f.u.c.king charming that to this day no one has ever said to me, "You know, that was kind of strange when you brought your folks." know, Mom and Dad were so f.u.c.king charming that to this day no one has ever said to me, "You know, that was kind of strange when you brought your folks."

There we were on the Warner Bros. lot, with Mom pul ing me aside in the cafeteria. "Look at that DARLING Julianna Marguiles! She's a skinny young thing! You need to learn from that one! Look at how she keeps her figure! See how she has a salad? You shouldn't be having a hamburger, Kathleen! Look at the way she does her hair. Why don't you do your hair like that?" By the way, for years my mother tried to convince me that I could "train" my curly, kinky, frizzy hair to be straight. She actual y believed that if I blew-dry my hair straight for long enough, that it would eventual y grow in that way. This had to have come from one of those G.o.dd.a.m.n Rona Barrett magazines. A Myrna Loy tip, probably. In any case, she was focused, a mom-ager before there were mom-agers.

Watch out, Dina Lohan.

Then there'd be Clooney in his scrubs playing basketbal , and my father giving him s.h.i.+t. "You'l never be in the NBA, Clooney!" Then Clooney would walk toward the fence and gravitate toward my adorable parents, my mom fawning al over him. If you talk to my mom, she thinks they're best friends. But real y, from minute one of my getting these types of gigs, I thought, What good is this if I can't bring my parents? What good is this if I can't bring my parents?

It's cool I got the job, but way more fun that they got to meet Clooney and see Quentin work.

Perhaps the biggest deal for me during that time was winning a guest role on Seinfeld Seinfeld, the hottest show on TV. It was just one of those auditions that, after years, final y f.u.c.king went my way. Again, al the stand-up I was doing was probably what helped the most. The thing to remember is that, even if you've been doing characters for years in the Groundlings, when you go into an audition, you're kind of going as yourself. And the alternative stand-up comedy world had given me plenty of experience in that department.

That table read was mind-blowing, if only because you went in, and there was f.u.c.king Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer. Newman, too. The diner set. The living room set. The fake New York street. To be sitting in Jerry's living room was a thril I was not prepared for. I asked about ten people to take my picture, thinking, Who's gonna believe this if I don't Who's gonna believe this if I don't have hard doc.u.mentary evidence? have hard doc.u.mentary evidence? My part was that of George Costanza's fiancee's col ege roommate Sal y Weaver, and during the actual reading, I was shaking, tel ing myself whatever happens, I My part was that of George Costanza's fiancee's col ege roommate Sal y Weaver, and during the actual reading, I was shaking, tel ing myself whatever happens, I cannot cannot be the one who f.u.c.ks up, because the other thing about table reads be the one who f.u.c.ks up, because the other thing about table reads -it's where people get fired. You can have a good audition, but if you have a bad table read, you'l get the cal a half hour later while you're in your trailer, and then before you know it, you're going home. The stakes are incredibly high.

Luckily the table read went wel . Most of the cast, writers, and producers laughed. But Jerry was kind of an a.s.shole. We were working early on a Sunday morning, which was unusual, but that was because the Golden Globes were that night. I was planning on going to a gay Golden Globeswatching party that night, so I went up to Jerry, thinking nothing of it, and asked if he'd sign something for me so that when we were watching the awards and his category came up, I could impress the gays. "Guess what, f.u.c.kers?" I imagined saying. "There's Seinfeld on TV, and I've got a f.u.c.king note from him!" I wanted him to write something like, "Dear Kathy's Golden Globe party, be rooting for me!

Jerry Seinfeld." Or whatever.

Wel , he wouldn't do it. "Grrr," was about al I got out of him. Al day on the set he was like, "Ugh, are you stil gonna bug me about writing your stupid note? Why do I have to write a note? I don't want to write a note. I don't even know you." I remember thinking, Oh for G.o.d's sake, just write Oh for G.o.d's sake, just write the f.u.c.kin' note! What the f.u.c.kin' note! What Jerry didn't realize at this point was that we were in a big fight, and I was official y not speaking to him anymore. He did not notice this, because he did not notice that I existed, and because he obviously had better things to do than tend to me and my needs. He final y, begrudgingly, wrote me that note for the gays tel ing them to root for him. But I think this was the first time I'd p.i.s.sed off an A-lister to his or her face. Normal y, as you know, I prefer to talk about people behind their backs. Jerry didn't realize at this point was that we were in a big fight, and I was official y not speaking to him anymore. He did not notice this, because he did not notice that I existed, and because he obviously had better things to do than tend to me and my needs. He final y, begrudgingly, wrote me that note for the gays tel ing them to root for him. But I think this was the first time I'd p.i.s.sed off an A-lister to his or her face. Normal y, as you know, I prefer to talk about people behind their backs.

Natural y, this experience had to go into the act. Beloved American treasure Jerry Seinfeld was an a.s.shole. I thought it was funny. I felt wronged, and felt I had to blurt this out. It didn't occur to me to think, Okay, Kathy, when you do stand-up in Los Angeles, there are going to Okay, Kathy, when you do stand-up in Los Angeles, there are going to be industry people there. Don't bash the number one sitcom star in be industry people there. Don't bash the number one sitcom star in the world the world. But once I got laughs from it, I told that story in my act for three months. I couldn't tel it twice at Un-Cab or Hot Cup O' Talk, obviously, so it went into heavy rotation at al the clubs, alternative coffeehouses, and alternative donut shop performance s.p.a.ces I could book myself in.

Jerry Seinfeld with his comedy idol.

Then, around that time, I got my first HBO comedy special. It was a half hour, and I was one of eleven other people who got half hours.

Maybe not as prestigious, but stil pretty cool. Sure enough, HBO said to me, "Oh, that Seinfeld story is funny, you have to put it in." That's when I final y thought, What if he sees it? What if he sees it?

Ever since the audition, I had become a little friendly with Seinfeld Seinfeld co-creator/executive producer Larry David, so I thought I'd feel him out. co-creator/executive producer Larry David, so I thought I'd feel him out.

"How's Jerry going to take this?" I asked him. "I'm thinking about putting in this story about him."

Larry thought it was hysterical that I was giving Jerry s.h.i.+t. "I know Jerry," he a.s.sured me. "Jerry wil NEVER see this. Never in a mil ion YEARS. You're FINE, kid, you're good!"

Whew.

Meanwhile, Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan was a-brewin'. After eight years or so of obscurity in the Groundlings, and a year of doing stand-up, I was up for a bunch of sitcom auditions. Casting directors and studio and network people were packing into Hot Cup O' Talk and Un-Cabaret, and I final y started to get a sense of inevitability. Granted, I was often the girl cast after somebody already hired didn't work out. But things were rol ing. was a-brewin'. After eight years or so of obscurity in the Groundlings, and a year of doing stand-up, I was up for a bunch of sitcom auditions. Casting directors and studio and network people were packing into Hot Cup O' Talk and Un-Cabaret, and I final y started to get a sense of inevitability. Granted, I was often the girl cast after somebody already hired didn't work out. But things were rol ing.

"You know what?" I would tel my friends, "eventual y, they have have to f.u.c.king put me on a TV show. They're going to run out of girls to play the secretary, and they'l have to come to me." to f.u.c.king put me on a TV show. They're going to run out of girls to play the secretary, and they'l have to come to me."

After paying my dues for more than ten years, I was this this close to getting a regular sitcom gig. I real y do believe I was the favorite for a part on close to getting a regular sitcom gig. I real y do believe I was the favorite for a part on Caroline in the City Caroline in the City, that mid-'90s Lea Thompson sitcom where she played a New York cartoonist. But I blew it at the test for the NBC bigwigs. How? I lost my voice. I even got a huge laugh out of it when I turned to Jeff Zucker, the head of the network, and scratched out the words, "Sorry, I just got that chimp virus from the movie Outbreak." Outbreak." But they were starting production in two days, and they al just looked at each other, like, "She's not talking. How do we know she can do this role?" So they hired Amy Pietz, and she did that show for four years. But they were starting production in two days, and they al just looked at each other, like, "She's not talking. How do we know she can do this role?" So they hired Amy Pietz, and she did that show for four years.

Actresses are pretty compet.i.tive when it comes to vying for those sidekick roles. Keep in mind, a studio or network may audition seventy-five girls for one part. So when Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan, with Brooke s.h.i.+elds playing a San Francisco magazine columnist, was being put together in the spring of 1996, it just seemed weird that I wasn't in contention for the part of Vicki, Susan's wisecracking col eague. Sidekick girls were coming up to me at auditions and saying, "I didn't get Suddenly Suddenly Susan Susan.

Are you up for it?" I'd have to say, "I don't know. They just haven't seen me."

They saw every G.o.dd.a.m.n girl in town. Megan Mul aly, Morwanna Banks, Jennifer Coolidge, Rachel True, Sarah Silverman, Jennifer Esposito, even Downtown Julie Brown. Casting director Tony Sepulveda said to me, "n.o.body was sold on you to test for the role."

Eventual y for the pilot they cast Maggie Wheeler, that Fran Drescher voiced actress who played Matthew Perry's ex-girlfriend Janice on Friends Friends. The show got picked up, but as is often the case, the cast from the pilot changes, and for some reason it didn't work out with Maggie.

Eventual y it came down to the wire for the Vicki part. As in, the table read for the first episode of the first season's shooting was on a Monday, and the Friday before Friday before they final y agreed to let me audition. they final y agreed to let me audition.

They stil didn't even want to see me. But apparently Brooke wanted to look at other girls after that first audition, for whatever reason. The head of Warner Bros., the studio producing the show, wasn't sold, either. But somebody at NBC kept reminding them, "She's done guest spots for us, she's good." I'm positive the decision to hire me was out of desperation, because time was of the essence. A sort of "Fine, we'l take her" scenario.

But nothing beats that moment when you feel your life has changed. I knew it in the parking lot after the audition. The casting director rol ed down the window of his car as he was driving out, and said, "Hel o, VICKI." And no, he wasn't mistaking me for red-headed actress Vicki Lewis from Newsradio Newsradio. He knew I was getting that part. When the news was official, I cal ed my parents, hysterical y crying.

I had a role on a series!

I was going to make $15,000 an episode!

I was going to turn this into even more work: voice-overs, bigger commercials, smal parts in films!

I was going to get to know an icon of beauty and glamour whose movies I grew up with!

I was going to work closely with Judd Nelson, a star of The Breakfast The Breakfast Club Club, a movie I wors.h.i.+pped!

I was going to be a part of the hot-as-s.h.i.+t NBC comedy lineup, and get to see my old pals Phil Hartman and Andy d.i.c.k, now on Newsradio Newsradio, at al the network events!

Oh s.h.i.+T, I was going to see Jerry Seinfeld!

It was only a matter of time. I heard later that Jerry had seen the HBO special. Perhaps Larry David had been f.u.c.king with me. One day, my agent cal ed and said, "Jerry Seinfeld is sending you something."

Now, my imagination is such that if you don't spel out exactly what's happening, I'l just go to the worst possible scenario. I know it doesn't make sense, but I was convinced that Jerry Seinfeld was sending me a box of his own poo. Or he was going to send someone over to my house to break my thumbs. Okay, Kathy, snap out of it.

I remember saying to my agent, "Can he get me fired from Suddenly Suddenly Susan?" Susan?" And my agent was like, "I don't ... think so. I don't know. He's pretty f.u.c.king powerful over there." Great. The biggest moment in my life, and maybe it was going to be taken away from me because of my big mouth. And my agent was like, "I don't ... think so. I don't know. He's pretty f.u.c.king powerful over there." Great. The biggest moment in my life, and maybe it was going to be taken away from me because of my big mouth.

Then the package came, and it was a box of Snackwel cookies. I was stil terrified. What did this mean? Is this a comedy kingpin's version of a mafioso sending a fish wrapped in newspaper to someone targeted for execution? Kathy Griffin sleeps with the cookies?

There was a letter, too, and after reading it, I felt relieved. It was hysterical y funny, as you can see. It was a little scary, but you could tel he thought the whole thing was funny. At the end, he wrote, "Enclosed, please find a box of Snackwel s for you to enjoy with my compliments."

Note the hilarious fake signature at the bottom of the letter, obviously scribbled by his a.s.sistant.

Later, I even found out from a friend of mine-okay, okay, some guy I was banging on the Seinfeld Seinfeld crew-that during tapings of crew-that during tapings of Seinfeld Seinfeld, Jerry showed that bit from my HBO special to the audience while they would set up for the next scene. And after I went on the Conan O'Brien show to talk about getting that letter, Jerry added that that clip to what he showed at tapings, too. Jerry not only got the joke, but he was growing my audience! clip to what he showed at tapings, too. Jerry not only got the joke, but he was growing my audience!

Want to know what happens when you make fun of A-listers? Every once in a while they get it.

Once again, just like when I bombed for two years after I got laughs the first time I tried stand-up, I was fooled into thinking, Oh, celebrities Oh, celebrities are fine when you make fun of them! They all think it's funny! In fact, are fine when you make fun of them! They all think it's funny! In fact, they send you funny gifts! And write you awesome letters that you can they send you funny gifts! And write you awesome letters that you can frame! frame!

To this day, Jerry Seinfeld leads the pack of A-listers who can take a f.u.c.king joke.

From left: Andrea Bendewald, Nestor Carbonel , Judd Nelson, some ex-jeans model, Barbara Barrie, a future Emmy winner, and David Strickland (Photo: Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan Warner Bros. Television. Al Rights Reserved.) Warner Bros. Television. Al Rights Reserved.)

My first impression of Brooke s.h.i.+elds was that I'd never seen someone so beautiful that her face looks like it has makeup on when it doesn't.

The color of her eyelids already looks like eye shadow, and the natural color of her lips looks like lipstick. My G.o.d, I thought, that's a whole other level of gorgeous.

Gracious hostess that she is, Brooke wanted to take the cast of Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan out to lunch before the first table read. She wanted us al to hang out, and that's how I first met a lot of the other key cast members: Barbara Barrie, the out to lunch before the first table read. She wanted us al to hang out, and that's how I first met a lot of the other key cast members: Barbara Barrie, the Breaking Away Breaking Away actress who played Brooke's mom; the handsome Nestor Carbonel , who played the Cuban-tongued hunk Luis; David Strickland, the cute, funny guy who was the fict.i.tious magazine's music critic; and Judd Nelson, the former Brat Packer who played the boss. actress who played Brooke's mom; the handsome Nestor Carbonel , who played the Cuban-tongued hunk Luis; David Strickland, the cute, funny guy who was the fict.i.tious magazine's music critic; and Judd Nelson, the former Brat Packer who played the boss.

Brooke was very sweet, and I was impressed with her early on because she was very deferential to me when it came to the comedy.

She would often turn to me that first season and say, "Ugh, help me make this funny. How would you do this line?" I'd think, Wow, that's really Wow, that's really cool of her cool of her. It was also smart. It made me understand, no matter how famous you are, don't ever be afraid to turn to somebody and ask for help. Don't ever feel above it.

Brooke s.h.i.+elds seems flummoxed by my bad acting. (Photo: Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan Warner Bros. Television. Al Rights Reserved.) Then she stopped doing it. Something happened, where the first time I got a real y, real y good review, and she got a bad one, that s.h.i.+t went out the window. Then there'd be tense moments when I would get laughs and she wouldn't. I was always blown away by that beautiful-girl syndrome. To me, Brooke had everything. She was gorgeous, successful, gracious, America's sweetheart, and yet there was this big part of her that resented that I got laughs. I just couldn't believe it. I wasn't trying to be a cover girl, for Chrissakes. I remember saying to her one time, "Isn't it enough that you're beautiful and perfect and wonderful and guys are in love with you and you're starring on a show and the head of the network is kissing your b.u.t.t and you're rich and successful? Warner Bros. Television. Al Rights Reserved.) Then she stopped doing it. Something happened, where the first time I got a real y, real y good review, and she got a bad one, that s.h.i.+t went out the window. Then there'd be tense moments when I would get laughs and she wouldn't. I was always blown away by that beautiful-girl syndrome. To me, Brooke had everything. She was gorgeous, successful, gracious, America's sweetheart, and yet there was this big part of her that resented that I got laughs. I just couldn't believe it. I wasn't trying to be a cover girl, for Chrissakes. I remember saying to her one time, "Isn't it enough that you're beautiful and perfect and wonderful and guys are in love with you and you're starring on a show and the head of the network is kissing your b.u.t.t and you're rich and successful?

I'd be happy to have one one of those things. And on top of that, you want to get the laughs? Can't I just have this one thing?" She laughed at that reasoning, and thankful y it eased the tension. of those things. And on top of that, you want to get the laughs? Can't I just have this one thing?" She laughed at that reasoning, and thankful y it eased the tension.

The reality is, when you're the sidekick, you do the wisecracks. That's it. There was no very special Vicki episode in my future. And I didn't want that, anyway. But that always blew me away about pretty actresses and models. To this day, when I run into them, they'l be a little b.i.t.c.hy toward me if I get a laugh on a set. Real y, gals? It's not enough that every statistic shows you can get a job easier than I can, that every guy wants you, and the world is easier for you in a mult.i.tude of ways?

I just want my d.i.c.k jokes.

The truth is, I stil feel like Brooke is my sister. There's something about working every day with someone for four years where you real y get to know them wel , and vice versa. And what's great about Brooke is that for as beautiful and perfect and iconic as she is, you could always break her down. I don't mean make her sob. What I mean by that is, if we were in a room alone, and the celebrity world of phone cal s and photo shoot requests wasn't al owed to barge in for five minutes, she was just a regular person.

I was very cognizant of the weight of her celebrity, too. I saw many ups and downs of the limelight through her notoriety. She was my fame professor, real y. Right off the bat, her marriage to Andre Aga.s.si was like a spotlight times a hundred. It was my first prolonged exposure to a real celebrity power couple. The first week Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan was set to air, we al came into work and Brooke said, "Guess what, everybody? was set to air, we al came into work and Brooke said, "Guess what, everybody?

Tonight we're al going to fly to Las Vegas, watch the episode, and fly home tonight on Andre's 747!" That 747 had a bed bed in it. That's how big it was. So we went to Andre Aga.s.si's house, which I have to say was in it. That's how big it was. So we went to Andre Aga.s.si's house, which I have to say was

surprisingly lame for a guy with a $100 mil ion Nike contract. It was a cookie-cutter McMansion, which just seemed odd. I expected something a little more Cribs Cribs. But it didn't stop me from being inherently dazzled by where I was. I was in Andre Aga.s.si's house. I'd look outside.

There was his tennis court. Holy s.h.i.+t.

Brooke s.h.i.+elds and me on vacation looking a little gay for each other.

That was the first time I'd been around real wealth. One time during a rehearsal, Brooke said something that always stuck with me. "You know, with wealthy people there's a difference between money and real money. I have money. Andre has real real money." That told me that in the celebrity world, the ceilings are different than anywhere else. Brooke had lived in New York for years, ran with a society crowd, worked in Hol ywood since she was a child, and Andre's the one with money." That told me that in the celebrity world, the ceilings are different than anywhere else. Brooke had lived in New York for years, ran with a society crowd, worked in Hol ywood since she was a child, and Andre's the one with real real money? money?

Maybe Andre is somewhere having that conversation about Warren Buffett. "You know Warren? I have money, but he's got real real money." money."

Again, holy s.h.i.+t. I had to start saving.

Brooke was a different person around Andre, though. She was a lot more fun and loose when she wasn't around him, and in his presence she would come off very wifey. One time she told me he didn't like cussing. "Don't be surprised if he snaps at you for swearing too much,"