Official Book Club Selection Part 8

The Reverend Al Sharpton, on the other hand, whom I met while taping Bil Maher's Politically Incorrect Politically Incorrect television show, was just the opposite. I'd heard a lot of rumors about what a publicity seeker he was, and I'l admit I only knew him from the pink sponge curlers and the Tawana Brawley scandal, but when I sat next to him on television show, was just the opposite. I'd heard a lot of rumors about what a publicity seeker he was, and I'l admit I only knew him from the pink sponge curlers and the Tawana Brawley scandal, but when I sat next to him on PI PI, he was so friendly. Out of the blue, he said, "Where do you do stand-up?"

"When I'm in New York I usual y do Caroline's."

"I'd real y like to come see you sometime," he said. I thought that was pretty cool. It seemed real y open-minded of him to acknowledge what I do and offer to check out my act sometime. He's somebody I admire because, like Ted Kennedy, he's spent his time working his way back from a negative image to try to turn himself into somebody respectable and influential. I wouldn't see him again until several years later when he graciously agreed to be a guest on season five of My Life on the D- of My Life on the D- List List. When I decided to do a stand-up set at the legendary Apol o Theater in Harlem, Reverend Al said he'd introduce me onstage. I spent the day with him, went to one of his speaking engagements at Medgar Evers Col ege, and was a guest on his radio show. That night at the Apol o he rocked my introduction, warning the audience that I sometimes went too far, but that I was funny. It was the ultimate stamp of approval for me, and I think he is a man among men. I've been keeping an eye on you, Reverend Al. I take extra special notice of people who make controversial statements and take a stand. (And, of course, get cal ed out for publicity garnering.) As for the host of that show, I'm pretty sure Bil Maher is of that boys'

club mentality that doesn't think chicks are funny, aside from maybe Sarah Silverman, but he's been supportive of me to a degree. He's kind of a p.r.i.c.k-if I run into Bil at a party, even though I've known him al these years, it's no guarantee he'l stop and chat with me-but I like him, and I love his shows, Politically Incorrect Politically Incorrect being one of my favorite experiences. I was on half a dozen times at least. One time rock singer and exVan Halen frontman Sammy Hagar was on with me, and during the commercial break, he started to talk to Bil about how aliens had downloaded material into his head. Oh yes. Watching Bil try to have a semiserious conversation about this-"Oh real y? What was that like?" being one of my favorite experiences. I was on half a dozen times at least. One time rock singer and exVan Halen frontman Sammy Hagar was on with me, and during the commercial break, he started to talk to Bil about how aliens had downloaded material into his head. Oh yes. Watching Bil try to have a semiserious conversation about this-"Oh real y? What was that like?"

-was priceless. I don't think that kind of s.h.i.+t happens in conference rooms in corporate America.

Bil Maher and me backstage at the Larry King anniversary special.

Bil 's show was solid training ground for how to act with celebrities I'm nervous around. My m.o. was, I'l try to get things rol ing by making a bal sy joke, because instead of smal talk, I think these celebrity situations demand an icebreaker, and Hol ywood has a pretty thick sheet of ice. Like Bil O'Reil y, America, I'm always looking out for you.

Besides, I usual y want information from that celebrity: it could go into the act, right? Of course, 90 percent of the time saying something bal sy doesn't go my way. But I'm sticking to my plan! When I was on PI PI with Michael Bolton, for instance, I turned to him and blurted out, "Bolton, you've got to lose that ridiculous hair, seriously. What are you thinking with that hair?" with Michael Bolton, for instance, I turned to him and blurted out, "Bolton, you've got to lose that ridiculous hair, seriously. What are you thinking with that hair?"

Every time I say something like that, the pause afterward can seem excruciating, even if it's only a nanosecond: Are they going to laugh?

Flee? Threaten me? Or ban me from their own future talk show? Wel , thankful y, Bolton laughed. I ran with it. "I can get a clipper here in ten seconds. Do you want to make a commitment to me right now? You're talented and wealthy, but you can't pay someone to cut that?"

Real y, in a situation like that, that's al I can do. G.o.d love him for laughing, but was I going to have a serious conversation with Michael Bolton? What the f.u.c.k am I going to talk with that guy about? Time, love, and tenderness? So I try to make the celebrities I encounter laugh. That time it went my way.

Then there are the times laughter can mislead. When HBO gave me an hour-long special during my time on Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan, I got to promote it on David Letterman's show. That was a major get for me. In the world of comedians, Letterman's show is wors.h.i.+pped because he's had the ultimate career, from his stand-up days to his great Tonight Tonight Show Show guest-hosting, to his brief, il -fated, but bril iant morning talk show and obviously his groundbreaking late-night show on NBC. But even though appearing on his show was a major get, it's not like I had anyone tel ing me how to do it. No makeup or hair people. No stylist. No publicist. Just me in New York the day before going to a mal store and buying an outfit thinking, guest-hosting, to his brief, il -fated, but bril iant morning talk show and obviously his groundbreaking late-night show on NBC. But even though appearing on his show was a major get, it's not like I had anyone tel ing me how to do it. No makeup or hair people. No stylist. No publicist. Just me in New York the day before going to a mal store and buying an outfit thinking, This will look good on Letterman! This will look good on Letterman! It was the most preposterous outfit you've ever seen: black midriff top, and black matching pants, made out of stretch polyester, with flares. It was awful. It was the most preposterous outfit you've ever seen: black midriff top, and black matching pants, made out of stretch polyester, with flares. It was awful.

I'm thirty-six and sporting a midriff top like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Gilligan's Island Island. Someone should have had me arrested.

In terms of the actual appearance, there were a lot of rules. The segment producers said, "Whatever you do, don't talk to Dave during the commercial break, and don't hug him when you make your entrance because he's tal and has a bad back so he can't bend over to hug you.

And whatever you do, don't go off the cards." The cards are what the host has that include al the things you said in the preinterview, so al the host has to do to facilitate a good story on air is reference the card in front of him. Wel , my main story was about meeting Jerry Springer, and as I'm tel ing it on camera with Dave I swore. I said "s.h.i.+t" and got a rim shot from the drummer. Dave turned his attention from me to the audience. Uh-oh. I turned to him trying to act al innocent and said, "What did I say?"

He said, "Wel , I thought you were gonna say 'd.a.m.n' or 'hel ' and what you said is real y a whole other category."

"I said 's.h.i.+t'?" The audience laughed.

He said, "Yes." More daggers.

"Wel , you know, Dave, you can't s.h.i.+t a s.h.i.+tter." More audience laughter.

When it was al over, I went back to my hotel, and then the next day I got flowers from the show, with a card from the segment producer that said, "You were so funny, it was so effortless. Consider yourself a friend of the show!"

I have never been asked to be on again. I mean, I thought I nailed it! I thought I'd made it so easy on Dave, me being a potty mouth and him just sitting there and mugging at the camera. Looking back now, that swearing episode probably led to my downfal . Dave doesn't like swearing, which means I'm obviously not his cup of tea. It was my first banning. Of course, you don't know that kind of thing initial y. For the longest time they just kept tel ing my publicist, "Oh, we're just booked, we don't have the slot." But after ten years? Two Emmys? Final y executive producer Rob Burnett denied/confirmed it to Entertainment Entertainment Weekly Weekly when the magazine did a story trying to fact-check my claims of banishment. He told when the magazine did a story trying to fact-check my claims of banishment. He told EW EW , "She is not banned. We simply don't feel she warrants a booking at this time." , "She is not banned. We simply don't feel she warrants a booking at this time."

Gotcha! You thought perhaps this book had gone to press before my magical return to Dave's show in the summer of 2009? Wel , here's the deal. I may pride myself on the street cred that comes with getting banned from so many shows and p.i.s.sing people off. But look, when these shows cal me to dangle a reappearance carrot-and you know me, I hate vegetables-no matter how D-list, I'm more than happy to eat s.h.i.+t (my term for vegetables) and grovel back on my hands and knees.

So you can imagine my thril and surprise when after twelve years of being banned from The Late Show with David Letterman The Late Show with David Letterman , on Monday, June 8, 2009-after season five of , on Monday, June 8, 2009-after season five of My Life on the D-List My Life on the D-List debuted to its highest ratings ever-I got a cal in my hotel room in New York asking if I would do the show that Wednesday as one of their guests had dropped out at the last minute. debuted to its highest ratings ever-I got a cal in my hotel room in New York asking if I would do the show that Wednesday as one of their guests had dropped out at the last minute.

It was a dream come true. Dave was in the middle of his Sarah Palin joke scandal, where the Alaska governor felt he'd made inappropriate remarks about her daughter, so it was heaven for me to be there that day and feel a special s.h.i.+tstorm kins.h.i.+p with him. I remembered not to curse, too. I never said "c.u.n.t" or referenced a.n.a.l leakage, or invited any deities to suck it, and at the end of the interview Dave gave me the Letterman hand kiss! I don't know if I'm back in for good, but as life on the D-list goes, I was back in for a day.

I don't feel as good about the situation with Regis Philbin's morning show, though. Back when Kathie Lee Gifford was co-host, I had been a guest on the show. Al had gone wel , and they even asked me if I wanted to guest host for a couple days while Kathie Lee was away.

Suddenly Susan and being on the road was real y knocking me out, so I remember balking at the fact that they weren't going to pay anything. and being on the road was real y knocking me out, so I remember balking at the fact that they weren't going to pay anything.

But the folks at Warner Bros. said "No, no, this is a good thing. You should do this with Regis." So I agreed. They gave me Kathie Lee's dressing room while she was gone, which I thought was strange. I mean, I wouldn't want my dressing room being handed out to anyone else in my absence. So there I was surrounded by al the Kathie Lee-ness, the shoes and the wacky neon lime green suits and a few Bibles.

Wel , it was pretty fun. I love Regis. He's an absolute gem. You won't find a guy who's funnier, more low maintenance, and easygoing. I ended up speaking gay (I'm bilingual) to his executive producer, Michael Gelman, until I met his female fiancee, so that was awkward. But Gelman and the fiancee came to see me at Caroline's, which I thought was cool. So on one of my guest-host days I made a joke on air that Gelman was Regis's b.i.t.c.h. Regis laughed. The audience laughed. You know the rest. I was never asked on again. To this day. For a while I entertained the thought that it was maybe coming from Kathie Lee. But after Kel y Ripa came on, stil no booking.

It was Joy Behar who nailed the episode. She asked me in the makeup room at The View The View once, "Did you ever get asked back to once, "Did you ever get asked back to Regis Regis after you said Gelman was Regis's b.i.t.c.h?" after you said Gelman was Regis's b.i.t.c.h?"

"No, but I don't think it's a problem," I said. "I'm sure I'l be on again!"

"Real y?" she answered, with one eyebrow raised. Hmmm.

One time I ran into Regis at Carson Daly's talk show, and we had a great conversation. He was being so nice, saying, "KATH-y GRIFFIN!

You're on FYE-UH! You're on FYE-UH!"

I told him how glad I was that things were going so wel for him, and that n.o.body deserved it more than he did, because he'd worked so hard. Then I brought it back to me. "Rege, I feel bad about my ban for life from Gelman. Real y? Gelman's the al -powerful?"

"Wel , you know, he holds grudges," he said.

Then Regis suggested I make a surprise appearance the next time I was planning on being in New York. Just walk out onto the set during the show-"Don't even plan it! Be a surprise guest!"

It was sweet that he thought I was A-list enough to pul off a stunt like that. But I'm no Don Rickles and this wasn't The Tonight Show The Tonight Show. I doubt I'd make it past security. And if I did, I told him, "Then I'm just Sean Young trying to get the role of Catwoman." Meow.

If you're wondering whether I watch a show that I've been banned from, I do. Why wouldn't I?

Here's the lowdown on banning: it's not like anybody makes a declaration outright that you've been banned. You find out by not getting booked on the show anymore. The reasoning can sometimes be elusive. I appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brien Late Night with Conan O'Brien a few times during a few times during Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan and then I went ten years, and then I went ten years, ten years ten years-until early in 2009-before being asked back. Even though Conan and I go way back.

When I was in the Groundlings, one of the girls there said to me one day, "Hey, there's this guy named Conan who writes for The Simpsons The Simpsons, and I think you should go out with him. He's real y funny and smart." He was taking cla.s.ses at the time, and I was actual y in the main company, so I'd be "marrying down," as the phrase goes, but I figured, why not?

We met, but he didn't ask me out. So I came up with a scheme to get him to date me. I suggested we go for a pizza and write a sketch together. He said yes. I real y thought I could turn this writing session into a legitimate date.

We went to this old-school place on Fairfax cal ed Damiano's, ordered a pizza, and though I was being al flirty, I think we actual y did write a sketch. At the end of the night, the check came, and we split it.

Well, that's a bad sign, I thought. I don't think it's a date when the guy says, "Okay, you had two two diet c.o.kes, so it's an extra dol ar for you." diet c.o.kes, so it's an extra dol ar for you."

Ouch.

Conan and I were both attending the wedding a couple of weeks later of a mutual friend who was also an old boyfriend. More date potential.

So I said to him that night, "I can't bear to go to that wedding without a date. Wil you go with me? I'm not saying this has to be some boyfriend/girlfriend situation," I said, clearly trying to manipulate him into thinking of it as a romantic and s.e.xual date. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sure."

Wel , he cal ed me the day of the wedding and basical y stood me up, tel ing me he was sick. I was humiliated and went to the wedding by myself, and wouldn't you know it, at the end of the reception, in walks Conan. "Hi, feeling better?" I said to him. I think he thought he could wait me out. But of course, I'm the last to leave any party, so I was there for his secret appearance.

Clearly we were never going to be a Groundling power couple, of which we would have been the first. But I was starting to see Conan fairly regularly in that Dave Rath pizza party crowd, or he'd be one of twenty when we were al going to dinner somewhere, becoming somewhat of a fixture in my comedy orbit. When he got his talk show, I remember cal ing him and congratulating him, thinking he real y deserved that break, because he was often the funniest guy in the room.

I thought it was real y cool that this hysterical y witty "kid" whom people didn't know was about to be introduced to the whole country on a big national stage.

From my return to Conan O'Brien's late-night show before he moved to the Tonight Show Tonight Show spot in the summer of 2009 (Photo: Dana Edelson/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank) spot in the summer of 2009 (Photo: Dana Edelson/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank) So I went on Late Night with Conan O'Brien Late Night with Conan O'Brien those few times during the those few times during the Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan years-we'd chat during the commercial breaks ("Have you seen Janeane lately?" he'd ask, "How do you like living in New York?" I'd ask) and nothing seemed awkward between us-and then al of a sudden I wasn't asked back. Specials coming and going, no Conan. Emmy win, no Conan. Second Emmy win, no Conan. years-we'd chat during the commercial breaks ("Have you seen Janeane lately?" he'd ask, "How do you like living in New York?" I'd ask) and nothing seemed awkward between us-and then al of a sudden I wasn't asked back. Specials coming and going, no Conan. Emmy win, no Conan. Second Emmy win, no Conan.

Since he'd had me on the show initial y, my guess is when he was a newcomer, NBC probably said, "You're going to have her on." But when Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan ended, at which point Conan had come into his own, he had bigger sway with who made the cut. So I spent ten years thinking, ended, at which point Conan had come into his own, he had bigger sway with who made the cut. So I spent ten years thinking, He can't stand me, and I guess that's the way it's going to be He can't stand me, and I guess that's the way it's going to be.

Then in late 2008 we ran into each other in the hal way of the il -fated-but-fun-to-be-at Rosie O'Donnel variety special Rosie Live Rosie Live. It was right before the show, and for some reason he was completely nice to me.

Wel , he did just have a pie thrown in his face onstage. Maybe there's something about being covered in whipped cream and standing in the hal way of a sweaty off-Broadway theater that just makes you happy to see an old friend.

It was after this exchange that I went on Late Night Late Night in February 2009 in February 2009 for the first time in ten years, just in time for Conan to close out that show and get ready to segue into The Tonight Show The Tonight Show in LA. We had a good conversation on his show, and it felt great to be back. It was real y easy-breezy and he laughed at my jokes, and overal it was real y fun. (Note to Oprah: When a comedian is on your show and makes a joke, you might want to laugh at them instead of giving a death stare. Jokes are their job. Just like your job is to be omnipotent.) He didn't bring up my long absence from his late-night show, or any possible il feelings. Probably because he doesn't even remember what they might have been. I certainly didn't bring it up. We talked about old friends, and it was wonderful. I just hate having a frost with anyone from that era, because it was such a good time, and I'm so glad he's doing wel . in LA. We had a good conversation on his show, and it felt great to be back. It was real y easy-breezy and he laughed at my jokes, and overal it was real y fun. (Note to Oprah: When a comedian is on your show and makes a joke, you might want to laugh at them instead of giving a death stare. Jokes are their job. Just like your job is to be omnipotent.) He didn't bring up my long absence from his late-night show, or any possible il feelings. Probably because he doesn't even remember what they might have been. I certainly didn't bring it up. We talked about old friends, and it was wonderful. I just hate having a frost with anyone from that era, because it was such a good time, and I'm so glad he's doing wel .

Then he said, "Wel , when I go to LA, you've got to do the show." I was so thril ed! But I think I'm going to make him attend at least one wedding with me first.

A few of the guy hosts, like Craig Kilborn when he had The Daily Show The Daily Show and his own late-night talk show on CBS, have always been in my camp, and one in particular you wouldn't necessarily think of has definitely supported me. Howard Stern. Total mensch. People had warned me about going on Stern. "Don't do it, he'l eat you alive." And from the first time I went on Howard, during the and his own late-night talk show on CBS, have always been in my camp, and one in particular you wouldn't necessarily think of has definitely supported me. Howard Stern. Total mensch. People had warned me about going on Stern. "Don't do it, he'l eat you alive." And from the first time I went on Howard, during the Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan years, before he was on Sirius satel ite, we had the funnest conversations during those twenty-minute-long commercial breaks. He showed a softer and gentler side that his listeners don't get to see much of. years, before he was on Sirius satel ite, we had the funnest conversations during those twenty-minute-long commercial breaks. He showed a softer and gentler side that his listeners don't get to see much of.

On air, however, he absolutely gave me and continues to give me s.h.i.+t.

And the cal -ins are brutal.

"You horrible old hag/c.u.n.t/b.i.t.c.h. n.o.body would ever f.u.c.k you in a mil ion years. You are awful, you should die now," someone wil say. You can't show weakness on Howard; you just have to wait for it to be over and hope the next cal er is a gay guy saying, "We love you, diva."

And Howard, being the expert ringleader that he is, plays along. "Now come on, cut that out," he'l say, but lets the cal go on, of course. But you know that's the gig going in. During my divorce, I would have a conversation with him during the commercial break where he'd compa.s.sionately ask, "How are you doing?" But when we were back on the air, it's "What'd that guy do, steal al your money?"

I real y respect Howard, and think he's genuinely comedian-funny, not just witty. There's a thing he does that's very smart with women in my category, meaning those of us who remain ful y dressed while on air.

He'l strike a nice balance between giving us complete s.h.i.+t and then adding, "You're hot. I think you're total y hot. I'd total y bang ya." First of al , it's a treat, because it never happens. And for his audience, it's a stamp of approval. I know it sounds weird, and it requires an adjustment in recognizing what, exactly, a compliment is, but the funny thing about going on Howard is, when you're me, the nicest thing he can do is say, "I want to bend you over and b.u.t.tf.u.c.k you cause you're so hot." Oh Howard, you softie.

What I learned early on from doing that show is, the way to survive is ful disclosure. If you go on Howard's show and try to be coy or not answer, he's going to have you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. During my first appearance on Howard, I was having a little fling with one of the guys from 'NSYNC, which, yeah, is real y sleazy because I was way too old for him. (I told him I was twenty-seven and my real age hadn't had a two in front of it for nearly a decade.) And when I say fling, by the way, I think I made out with this 'NSYNC-er twice. (Hope you're sitting down, Oprah. It was NOT golden-haired hottie Lance Ba.s.s. I know, I know, the s.e.xual chemistry between him and me can be electric, but he must have been reading your favorite book The Secret The Secret, because I think he had one!) Anyway, I talked about it on Howard-I thought it was funny, he thought it was funny-and he wanted to know every single detail. So I told him. If I had gone on and said, "I made out with someone from 'NSYNC!" and then said, "I'm not tel ing you any more, Howard!" that would have been disastrous. So I had to go, "Okay, he touched my b.o.o.b over here, and I was wearing this." When Howard says, "What do you want to do with him?" it means you say, "Wel , I want to do missionary, and I want to do doggie-style, and ..." It's al about how explicit you can be. And in return, he always plugged the hel out of my shows.

The environment at Howard's studio was heaven for me, too. His green room was a show in itself. And it made for instant material when I'd have to go play Caroline's that night. One time when I was there, I was sharing the room with a couple of Scores girls (Scores being an infamous New York strip club), who were on the show to do one of Howard's crazy games involving strippers. I'm wearing jeans and a sweater and heels, and they're in silver lame bikinis with ta.s.sels covering their fake t.i.ts. One girl said, "I think I'm gonna win cause I'm mohonia."

I'm thinking, What? Is that an affliction? What? Is that an affliction?

Then it hit me. She's more hornier more hornier. I didn't know what game they were about to play, but I should have gotten some prize for deciphering their code.

I loved Howard's whole gang, too. Howard real y defers to Robin, and he truly feels he can't do the show without her. I think she's wonderful, too, and I adore them as a pair. I have a total crush on Fred, and Baba Booey enjoys the celebrity dish as much as I do. The first time I did the show with Artie Lange, I real y thought he was gonna go after me. The guys' guy comics don't always dig me, because let's face it, a lot of people, and especial y boy comedians, don't think chicks are as funny, and can only think of women in terms of whether they'd want to f.u.c.k them or not. I total y expected the "Ugh, she's ugly, who'd want to go near that" treatment. But I'l never forget how nice Artie was to me. From day one. He was quiet during my interview, and then afterward said I was real y funny. Strange as it sounds, I real y felt respected and welcomed by the whole Howard crew.

Plus, Howard single-handedly broadened my demographic. The first time I did his show, I walked down the street ten minutes later and every cop and construction worker said hi to me. Basical y, every straight guy. I can perform for 7,000 people, and al that the straight guys there know me from is Seinfeld Seinfeld and Howard Stern. They don't know the stand-up specials, they don't know and Howard Stern. They don't know the stand-up specials, they don't know D-List D-List or or Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan. And overseas, when I performed for the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, al those guys were saying, "Oh, you're the girl from Howard!" To which I say, "Thank G.o.d."

So that's why I do it, why I've been on at least a dozen times. It's why I take the licks. I never know how it's going to go-brutal cal s and nice Howard, or brutal cal s and brutal Howard-and it's something that can rub my female friends the wrong way. Jenny McCarthy said to me one time, "I told Howard I can't do it anymore. Those cal s are too mean."

During Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan, Brooke got mad at me once because she felt I didn't stick up for her when Howard started baiting me about her. I never threw her under the bus, but I couldn't spend my entire forty-five minutes on Howard saying that Brooke s.h.i.+elds was a comedic genius. My first job is to be funny.

Going on Howard was a great learning curve for me, and overal I've gotten a lot from it. At the end of the day, from being on his show, there's going to be five more straight guys who'd never heard of me thinking, "Oh, wel , if she's cool enough to be on Howard ..."

That's al I have to say about talk show hosts for now. In the world of celebrity, what makes talk show hosts unique in terms of whom I would put in my act (or my book), is that they're probably the one area I occasional y have to hold back on. I can make fun of the president and it wouldn't do anything, but I need talk show hosts more than I need my own boss at the network. Network CEOs come and go, but some of

these f.u.c.kin' talk show hosts seem like they're never going to die.

Andy d.i.c.k having boundary issues with me and Sharon Osbourne.

Could I hit the road and make it work? Or would I be roadkil ?

That's what I wondered when I started getting real stand-up offers, as in headlining gigs at places around the country. Even though I was raised in the alternative scene, being a fixture on television meant offers from spots like Caroline's in New York and al the Improv clubs nationwide.

But would I be able to get laughs anywhere besides coffeehouses and "alternative" showcases? Remember, I hadn't had such good luck at the Improvs and places like that in the past, whose audiences expected more traditional joke/punchline comedy. Luckily for me, Margaret Cho continued to rea.s.sure me that I could do it. It just required adjustments.

Change up the material faster. Don't spend twenty minutes on one story when half the audience is drunk or on a date or trying to impress their boss. Move it along, people.

I was getting asked to play col eges now, too, which was always a good and lucrative gig. I was in my midthirties but a pop culture sponge, so I was stil young enough to be able to talk to the eighteen-to-twenty-two-year-olds, for one thing. I remember once going to the MTV awards, and that experience made for great material at a col ege gig. I could talk about running into Christina Aguilera (teen diva), seeing Whitney (al "sweaty") and Mariah (hi, crazy!). Margaret was right. It was about knowing what subjects fit with which audience.

So I was now the headlining act, and the stakes were higher.

Bombing is a whole different animal when you're the marquee name who people have paid money to see. In the days when I was the only girl in a lineup of ten comedians at a club, fol owing the prop comic with the bad jokes about hating his wife gives you a little cus.h.i.+on of lowered expectations. And when I was in the Groundlings company and we had a c.r.a.ppy show, we could sit around backstage afterward and commiserate about it and laugh. But as the headliner, a bad night means bombing alone. The blame can't be shared. I don't mean to put myself on a watch list, but I became a una-bomber. If only I'd had the hood and sungla.s.ses to hide in. Anyway, my greatest headliner bombing story is as fol ows: Year one of Suddenly Susan Suddenly Susan I got a cal from my stand-up agent. He said, "You have an offer for a club in Boston. It's cal ed the Comedy Stop." I got a cal from my stand-up agent. He said, "You have an offer for a club in Boston. It's cal ed the Comedy Stop."

Boston! I'd never played there before. A city ful of drunken micks? I'm gonna kil !

"Or ..." he said, "the alternative is this other club in Worcester, Ma.s.sachusetts, about an hour from Boston, cal ed the Comedy Palace.

You'd have to do a show there Thursday, two on Friday, two on Sat.u.r.day, and one on Sunday. The catch is, they have a sister club that's a forty-five-minute drive from Worcester, so on Sat.u.r.day you'd do the early show in Worcester, get in a car, and then you'd be driven to the sister club, perform there, go to bed, then come back on Sunday. But it's more money."

It was a heavy workload, and during my week off from Suddenly Suddenly Susan Susan to boot, but thinking like my mom, I said, "Wel , screw Boston's Comedy Stop. I want to make more money." We were talking a difference of maybe $2,000 between the Boston club gig and the Worcester venues. But I was the girl who'd happily take that $15,000 to do a horrible corporate gig, knowing ful wel I was going to bomb, because, you know, how can you turn down money? to boot, but thinking like my mom, I said, "Wel , screw Boston's Comedy Stop. I want to make more money." We were talking a difference of maybe $2,000 between the Boston club gig and the Worcester venues. But I was the girl who'd happily take that $15,000 to do a horrible corporate gig, knowing ful wel I was going to bomb, because, you know, how can you turn down money?

Wel , it turns out that there were some big differences between a Boston inst.i.tution like the Comedy Stop, and a Worcester noninst.i.tution like the Comedy Palace.

I showed up at the Comedy Palace alone, which right off the bat was just a stupid thing to do. I mean, I wasn't famous, but I was on an NBC show in a big Thursday night lineup, and I just shouldn't have been traveling by myself. I should have dragged a friend with me. Thinking cheap and convenient, I booked myself into a Days Inn a block from the Comedy Palace and headed over to the club. The guy running the club was like a Jewish goombah, with a real y big, boisterous personality.

The tickets were going fast because people knew me from television, so that seemed to bode wel . I went onstage, and the crowd was tough tough.

We're talking crispy bangs, mal perms, hardcore eyeliner. That kind of crowd. They looked like they weren't even there to laugh, but instead were waiting to be provoked.

I did my act, stories about Andre Aga.s.si's house, an episode of Frontline Frontline I found particularly amusing, and I closed with an I found particularly amusing, and I closed with an hil-a-a-arious hil-a-a-arious anecdote about how I had attended the trial of a serial kil er and accidental y spoke to one of the jurors. Silence. Deafening silence. My opening act, a local comedian, had kil ed. And now me, the headliner, was bombing badly. This was a club where the front row is three feet from you, and the bachelorette party of twelve with their cardboard tiaras weren't having my la-di-da tennis player/PBS show/courtroom s.h.i.+t for one second. There was no air-conditioning, either, so I've got the a.s.s-crack sweat and the flopsweat and al I can do is think, the contract says an hour and ten minutes. I don't get paid unless I do my time, so even if I just stand there and read the phone book, I've got to do my contractual time. anecdote about how I had attended the trial of a serial kil er and accidental y spoke to one of the jurors. Silence. Deafening silence. My opening act, a local comedian, had kil ed. And now me, the headliner, was bombing badly. This was a club where the front row is three feet from you, and the bachelorette party of twelve with their cardboard tiaras weren't having my la-di-da tennis player/PBS show/courtroom s.h.i.+t for one second. There was no air-conditioning, either, so I've got the a.s.s-crack sweat and the flopsweat and al I can do is think, the contract says an hour and ten minutes. I don't get paid unless I do my time, so even if I just stand there and read the phone book, I've got to do my contractual time.

Meanwhile, the girls in the audience are vicious. "HEY, AW THERE ANY JOKES IN THEAH?" "YOAH NAWT EVEN FUNNY" "WHERE'S THE PAHT WHERE I STAHT LAUGHIN'?"

After the show, however, the oddest thing happened. I was trying to slink out the side door without being noticed, like a criminal, but in fact my crispy-banged hecklers were now crowding around me. Was I gonna get jumped now? Girlfight-style? Should I have brought my s.h.i.+v?

When you're doing clubs, it's two shows a night, sometimes three.

No, they were actual y standing in a line. "TAKE A PICK -SHUH! TAKE A PICK-SHUH!" That was surreal, the notion that these people wanted snapshots of themselves with anybody from TV, even somebody they'd just finished razzing for giving them a s.h.i.+tty night out.