Boundaries Face To Face Part 18

Learning to be mature in self-boundaries is not easy. Many obstacles hinder our progress; however, G.o.d desires our maturity and self-control even more than we do. He's on our team as an exhorter, encourager, and implorer (1 Thess. 2:11a12). One way to begin developing limits on out-of-control behavior is to apply a modified version of the boundary checklist we used in Chapter 8: 1. What are the symptoms? Look at the destructive fruit you may be exhibiting by not being able to say no to yourself. You may be experiencing depression, anxiety, panic, phobias, rage, relations.h.i.+p struggles, isolation, work problems, or psychosomatic problems.

All of these symptoms can be related to a difficulty in setting limits on your own behavior. Use them as a road map to begin identifying the particular boundary problem you're having.

2. What are the roots? Identifying the causes of your self-boundary problems will a.s.sist you in understanding your own contribution to the problem (how you have sinned), your developmental injuries (how you have been sinned against), and the significant relations.h.i.+ps that may have contributed to the problem.

Some possible roots of self-boundary conflicts include: Lack of training. Some people never learned to accept limits, to pay the consequences of their actions, or to delay gratification when they were growing up. For example, they may never have experienced any consequences for dawdling as a child.

Rewarded destructiveness. People who come from families in which the mom or dad was an alcoholic may have learned that out-of-control behavior brings relations.h.i.+p. The family came together when the alcoholic member drank.

Distorted need. Some boundary problems are legitimate, G.o.d-given needs in disguise. G.o.d gave us s.e.xual desire both to reproduce ourselves and to enjoy our spouses. The p.o.r.nography addict has diverted this good desire; he feels real and alive only when acting out.

Fear of relations.h.i.+p. People really want to be loved but their out-of-control behavior (i.e., overeating, overworking) keeps others away. Some people use their tongues to keep other people at bay.

Unmet emotional hungers. We all need love during the first few years of life. If we don't receive this love, we hunger for it for the rest of our lives. This hunger for love is so powerful that when we don't find it in relations.h.i.+ps with other people, we look for it in other places, such as in food, in work, in s.e.xual activity, or in spending money.

Being under the law. Many Christians raised in legalistic environments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves. When they try to make their own decisions, they feel guilty. This guilt forces them to rebel in destructive ways. Food addictions and compulsive spending are often reactions against strict rules.

Covering emotional hurt. People who are injured emotionally, who were neglected or abused as children, disguise their pain by overeating, drinking too much, or working too much. They may abuse substances to distract from the real pain of being unloved, unwanted, and alone. If they were to stop using these disguises, their isolation would be intolerable.

3. What is the boundary conflict? Take a look at your particular self-boundary problems in relation to eating, money, time, task completion, the tongue, s.e.xuality, or alcohol and substance abuse. These seven areas aren't exhaustive, though they cover a great deal of territory. Ask G.o.d for insight into what other areas of your life are out of control.

4. Who needs to take owners.h.i.+p? At this point, take the painful step of taking responsibility for your out-of-control behavior. The behavior pattern may be directly traceable to family problems, neglect, abuse, or trauma. In other words, our boundary conflicts may not be all our fault. They are, however, our responsibility.

5. What do you need? It's useless to try to deal with your boundary conflicts with yourself until you're actively developing safe, trusting, grace-and-truth relations.h.i.+ps with others. You are severely hampered in gaining either insight into or control over yourself when you are disconnected from G.o.d's source of spiritual and emotional fuel.

Plugging in to other people is often frustrating for "do-it-yourself" people who would like a how-to manual for solving out-of-control behaviors just as they would buy to teach themselves piano, plumbing, or golf. They wish to get this boundary-setting business over with quickly.

The problem is that many people with self-boundary struggles are also quite isolated from deep relations.h.i.+ps. They have no "rootedness" in G.o.d or others (Eph. 3:17). Thus, they have to take what they think are steps backward to learn to connect with others. Connecting with people is a time-consuming, risky, and painful process. Finding the right people, group, or church is hard enough, but after joining up, admitting your need for others may be even more difficult.

Do-it-yourself people will often fall back into a cognitive or willpower approach, simply because it's not as slow or as risky. They'll often say things like, "Attachment is not what I want. I have an out-of-control behavior, and I need relief from the pain!" Though we can certainly understand their dilemma, they're heading toward another quick-fix dead end. Symptomatic relief-trying to solve a problem by only dealing with the symptoms-generally leads to more symptoms. Jesus described this process in a parable: When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, "I will return to the house I left." When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. (Luke 11:24a26) Evil can take over the empty house of our souls. Even when our lives seem to be in order, isolation guarantees spiritual vulnerability. It's only when our house is full of the love of G.o.d and others that we can resist the wiles of the Devil. Plugging in is neither an option, nor a luxury; it is a spiritual and emotional life-and-death issue.

6. How do I begin? Once you have identified your boundary problem and owned it, you can do something about it. Here are some ways to begin practicing setting boundaries on yourself.

Address your real need. Often, out-of-control patterns disguise a need for something else. You need to address the underlying need before you can deal with the out-of-control behavior. For example, impulsive eaters may discover that food is a way to stay separate and safe from romantic and s.e.xual intimacy. Their fear of being faced with those kinds of emotionally laden situations may cause them to use food as a boundary. As their internal boundaries with the opposite s.e.x become firmer, they can give up their destructive food boundary. They learn to ask for help for the real problem-not just for the symptomatic problem.

Allow yourself to fail. Addressing your real need is no guarantee that your out-of-control behavior will disappear. Many people who address the real issue underneath a self-boundary problem are often disappointed that the problem keeps recurring. They think, "Well, I joined a support group at church, but I still have problems being on time, or viewing p.o.r.nography, or spending money, or talking out of turn. Was all this for naught?"

No. The recurrence of destructive patterns is evidence of G.o.d's sanctifying, maturing, and preparing us for eternity. We need to continue to practice to learn things. The same process that we use to learn to drive a car, swim, or learn a foreign language is the one we use for learning better self-boundaries.

We need to embrace failure instead of trying to avoid it. Those people who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also eluding maturity. We are drawn to Jesus because "he learned obedience from what he suffered" (Heb. 5:8). People who are growing up are also drawn to individuals who bear battle scars, worry furrows, and tear marks on their faces. Their lessons can be trusted, much more than the unlined faces of those who have never failed-and so have never truly lived.

Listen to empathic feedback from others. As you fail in setting boundaries on yourself, you need others who will let you know about it in a caring way. Many times, you are unaware of your own failures. Sometimes you may not truly understand the extent of the damage your lack of boundaries causes in the lives of those you care about. Other believers can provide perspective and support.

Keith had a difficult time returning money to others when they had loaned it to him. He wasn't broke. He wasn't selfish. He was just forgetful. He had little awareness of the discomfort he caused those who lent him money.

One afternoon a friend who had loaned him money several months before dropped by his office.

"Keith," his friend said, "Several times I've asked you about the money I lent you. I still haven't heard from you. I don't think you're intentionally ignoring my requests. At the same time I wanted to let you know that your forgetfulness has been hard on me. I had to cancel a vacation because I didn't have the money. Your forgetfulness is hurting me, and it's hurting our friends.h.i.+p."

Keith was astonished. He hadn't had a clue that such a little thing to him might mean so much to a close friend. Deeply remorseful over the loss his friend had suffered, he wrote a check immediately.

In a non-condemning, non-nagging manner, Keith's friend had helped him become more aware of his self-boundary problem. He used the empathy Keith felt for him as a close friend. True G.o.dly remorse for causing his friend pain was a powerful motivator for Keith to become more responsible. When others in our support system let us know how our lack of self-boundaries hurts them, we are motivated by love, not by fear.

Biblically based support groups, which provide empathy and clear feedback, keep people responsible by letting them see the effect their actions have on another. When one member tells another, "Your uncontrolled behavior makes me want to stay away from you. I don't feel that I can trust you when you act like that," the out-of-control person isn't being parented or policed. He is hearing truth in love from a peer. He's hearing how what he does helps or damages those he loves. This kind of confrontation builds an empathy-based morality, a love-based self-control.

Welcome consequences as a teacher. Learning about sowing and reaping is valuable. It teaches us that we suffer losses when we aren't responsible. The impulsive overeater has medical and social difficulties. The overspender faces bankruptcy court. The chronically late person misses plane flights and important meetings, and loses friends.h.i.+ps. The procrastinator faces losses of promotions and bonuses. And on and on.

We need to enter G.o.d's training school of learning to suffer for our irresponsibility. Not all suffering should be embraced;2 however, when our own lack of love or responsibility causes the suffering, pain becomes our teacher.

Learning how to develop better self-boundaries is an orderly process. First, we are confronted about the destructiveness of our behavior by others. Then consequences will follow if we don't heed the feedback. Words precede actions and give us a chance to turn from our destructiveness before we have to suffer.

G.o.d doesn't glory in our suffering. Just as a loving father's heart breaks when he sees his children in pain, G.o.d wants to spare us pain. But when his words and the feedback of his other children don't reach us, consequences are the only way to keep us from further damage. G.o.d is like the parent who warns his teenager that drinking will cause a loss of car privileges. First, the warning: "Stop drinking now. It will have bad consequences for you." Then, if it's not heeded, car privileges are yanked. This painful consequence prevents a possible serious catastrophe: a drunk-driving accident.

Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. As you hear feedback and suffer consequences, maintain close contact with your support network. Your difficulties are too much to bear alone. You need others who will be loving and supportive, but who will not rescue.

Generally speaking, friends of people with self-boundary problems make one of two errors: (1) They become critical and parental. When the person has failed, they adopt an "I told you so" att.i.tude, or say things like, "Now, what did you learn from your experience?" This encourages the person to either look elsewhere for a friend (no one needs more than two parents), or simply avoid the criticism, instead of learning from consequences. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Gal. 6:1).

Replace this parental position with gentle restoration, understanding that "there but for the grace of G.o.d go I."

(2) They become rescuers. They give in to their impulse to save the person from suffering. They call the boss and tell them their spouse was sick when he or she was drunk. They lend more money when they shouldn't. They hold up the entire dinner for the latecomer, instead of going ahead with the meal.

Rescuing someone is not loving them. G.o.d's love lets people experience consequences. Rescuers hope that by once again bailing out the out-of-control person, they'll reap a loving, responsible person. They hope to control the other person.

It's far better to be empathic, but at the same time refuse to be a safety net: "I'm sorry you lost another job this year, but I won't lend you any more money until you've paid back the other loan. However, I'm available to talk to for support." This approach will show people how serious you are about developing self-boundaries. The sincere searcher will value this approach and will take you up on your offer of support. The manipulator will resent the limits and quickly look for an easier touch somewhere else.

This five-point formula for developing self-boundaries is cyclical. That is, as you deal with real needs, fail, get empathic feedback, suffer consequences, and are restored, you build stronger internal boundaries each time. As you stay with your goal and with the right people, you will build a sense of self-restraint that can truly become part of your character for life.

If You Are a Victim

Establis.h.i.+ng boundaries for yourself is always hard. It will be especially difficult if your boundaries were severely violated in childhood. No one who has avoided childhood victimization can truly understand what these individuals go through. Of all the injuries that can be endured, this type causes severe spiritual and emotional damage.

A victim is a person who has, while in a helpless state, been injured by the exploitation of another. Some victimization is verbal, some is physical, some is s.e.xual, and some is satanically ritualistic. All cause extreme damage to the character structure of a child, who then grows up to adulthood with spiritual, emotional, and cognitive distortions. In each case, however, three factors remain constant: helplessness, injury, and exploitation.

Some results of victimization are these: depression compulsive disorders impulsive disorders isolation inability to trust others inability to form close attachments inability to set limits poor judgment in relations.h.i.+ps further exploitation in relations.h.i.+ps deep sense of pervasive badness shame guilt chaotic lifestyle sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness unexplainable terror and panic attacks phobias rage attacks suicidal feelings and thoughts Victimization has long-lasting and far-reaching effects on the lives of adult survivors. Healing for victims is difficult because their developmental processes have been damaged or interrupted by abuse. The most primary damage done is that the victim loses a sense of trust. Trust, the ability to depend on ourselves and others in times of need, is a basic spiritual and emotional survival need. We need to be able to trust our own perceptions of reality and to be able to let significant people matter to us.

Our ability to trust ourselves is based on our experience of others as trustworthy. People who are "like a tree planted by streams of water" (Ps. 1:3) feel firm because of the streams of love coming from G.o.d and others in their life.

Victims often lose a sense of trust because the perpetrator was someone they knew as children, someone who was important to them. When the relations.h.i.+p became damaging to them, their sense of trust became broken.

Another damaging effect of abuse or molestation is the destruction of a sense of owners.h.i.+p over the victim's soul. In fact, victims often feel that they are public property-that their resources, body, and time should be available to others just for the asking.

Another injury due to victimization is a deep, pervasive sense of being "all-bad," wrong, dirty, or shameful. No matter how affirming others are of their loveableness and their attributes, victims are convinced that, underneath it all, there is no good inside themselves. Because of the severity of their injuries, many victims have overpermeable boundaries. They take on badness that isn't theirs. They begin believing that the way they were treated is the way they should be treated. Many victims think that, since they were told they were bad or evil thousands of times, it certainly must be true.

Boundaries as an Aid to the Victim

Boundary work as described in this book can be extremely helpful in moving victims toward restoration and healing. However, in many cases the severe nature of the need is such that the victim will be unable to set boundareis without professional help. We strongly urge abuse victims to seek out a counselor who can guide them in establis.h.i.+ng and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

13.

Boundaries and G.o.d

When some people read the Bible, they see a book of rules, do's and don'ts. When others read it, they see a philosophy of life, principles for the wise. Still others see mythology, stories about the nature of human existence and the human dilemma.

Certainly, the Bible contains rules, principles, and stories that explain what it is like to exist on this earth. But to us, the Bible is a living book about relations.h.i.+p. Relations.h.i.+p of G.o.d to people, people to G.o.d, and people to each other. It is about a G.o.d who created this world, placed people in it, related to people, lost that relations.h.i.+p, and continues to heal that relations.h.i.+p. It is about G.o.d as creator: this is his creation. It is about G.o.d as ruler: he ultimately controls his world and will govern it. And it is about G.o.d as redeemer: he finds, saves, and heals his loved ones who are lost and in bondage.

When a lawyer asked Jesus which was the greatest commandment in the Law, Jesus said to him, " 'Love the Lord your G.o.d with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matt. 22:37a40). The entire Scripture communicates a message of love. "Love G.o.d, and love your neighbor as yourself."

But how do we do that? Well, that's why there are so many other pa.s.sages! Loving G.o.d and our neighbor is difficult. One of the main reasons it's so difficult is because of boundary problems, which are essentially problems of responsibility. We do not know who is responsible for what, where we end and someone else begins, where G.o.d ends and we begin. The Bible clarifies those boundaries so that we can begin to see who should do what in this labor of love.

Respecting Boundaries

We have personal boundaries, personal property lines, in our relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. G.o.d has designed the world so that boundaries are to be respected. He respects ours, and we need to respect his.

G.o.d respects our boundaries in many ways. First, he leaves work for us to do that only we can do. And he allows us to experience the painful consequences of our behavior so that we will change. He is not willing for any of us to perish and takes no pleasure in our destruction (2 Peter 3:9; Ezek. 18:23), but he wants us to change for our own good and his glory. It hurts him deeply when we don't. But at the same time, he does not rescue us; he wants us to work it out for our own good. He will not violate our wish to be left alone, although he will plead with us to come back to him.

Second, he repects our no. He tries neither to control nor nag us. He allows us to say no and go our way. Think of the parable of the prodigal son, the story of the rich young ruler, or the story of Joshua and his people. In all of these examples, G.o.d gives a choice and allows the people involved to make up their minds. When people say no, he allows it and keeps on loving them. He is a giver. And one of the things he always gives is a choice, but like a real giver, he also gives the consequences of those choices. He respects boundaries.

Many people are not as honest as these biblical characters were, however. The prodigal son was direct and honest: "I do not want to do it your way. I'm going to do it my way." We are more often like the second son in the parable of the two sons in the vineyard (Matt. 21:28a31). We say yes, but we act out no. G.o.d prefers honesty. "It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it" (Eccl. 5:5). We would be much better off if we would say an honest no to whatever G.o.d is asking, for the next step could be repentance. An honest no will lead us to the discovery of how destructive it is to say no to G.o.d and to a real hungering and thirsting for righteousness.

Jerry was a member of a support group I was leading. He was cheating on his wife, but he kept saying that he was sorry and that he really didn't want to be an adulterer. He really wanted to obey G.o.d; however, as much as he said that, he didn't change. He wanted to believe that he wanted to change without doing the work of change.

Tired of hearing how much he wanted to be different, I suggested that he tell G.o.d and the group the truth. He really did not want to change, he enjoyed his affairs, and his real wish was that G.o.d would take his rules and go somewhere else.

Jerry was taken aback, but gradually began to see how true this was. Finally, he told the truth about his lack of love for G.o.d and how he really wanted to do his own thing. At first this admission scared him. He was giving up the falsehood of seeing himself as a Christian who cared about holiness. But his honesty felt better to him than all the lies, and something began to happen.

In the safety of grace, which was allowing him to see himself as he really was, he began to regret who he was. He began to see the emptiness of his heart. When he owned who he really was from his heart, he did not like himself. He was developing G.o.dly sorrow, the kind that leads to repentance, and he began to change. He told his lover that he was not going to see her any more, and he made a new commitment to his wife. This time he meant it. Whereas for years he had been saying yes and acting out no, he finally owned his no to G.o.d directly and honestly. Only then was change possible.

Until we can own our boundaries with G.o.d, we can't ever change them or allow him to work with them. They are hidden and not communicated. They need to be honestly owned, exposed, and made a part of us. Then, we and G.o.d can face the problem.

Anger In our deeper honesty and owners.h.i.+p of our true person, there is room for expressing anger at G.o.d. Many people who are cut off from G.o.d shut down emotionally because they feel that it is not safe to tell him how angry they are at him. Until they feel the anger, they cannot feel the loving feelings underneath the anger.

Job wanted to fully express his anger and disappointment with G.o.d to G.o.d (Job 13:3). But before he did this, he had to be sure of two things. He wanted G.o.d (1) to withdraw his hand of punishment and (2) to start communicating with him (v. 21). Job knew that if he were secure in the relations.h.i.+p, he could tell G.o.d what he really felt.

We often fear being honest because it was not safe to express honesty in our earthly relations.h.i.+ps. With Job we fear both abandonment and retaliation. People abandoned us or attacked us when we told them how we really felt.

Rest a.s.sured, however, that G.o.d desires truth in our "inner parts" (Ps. 51:6). He is seeking people who will have a real relations.h.i.+p with him (John 4:23a24). He wants to hear it all, no matter how bad it seems to us. When we own what is within our boundaries, when we bring it into the light, G.o.d can transform it with his love.

Respecting His Boundaries

G.o.d expects his boundaries to be respected as well. When he makes choices, or says no to us, that is his right, his freedom. If we are to have a real relations.h.i.+p with him, we need to respect that freedom. When we try and put him into binds where he "has to do something," we are testing his freedom. When we are angry with him for what he does not do, we are not allowing him the freedom to be who he is.

The basic problem in human relations.h.i.+p is that of freedom. We call people bad because they do not do what we want them to do. We judge them for being themselves, for fulfilling their wishes. We withdraw love from them when they do what they feel is best for them, but it is not what we want them to do.

We do the same thing with G.o.d. We feel ent.i.tled to G.o.d's favor, as if he has to do what we want him to. How do you feel when someone asks you for a favor but does not give you a free choice? This childish ent.i.tlement gets many people dissatisfied with G.o.d the same way that they are dissatisfied with others in their lives. They hate the freedom of others.

G.o.d is free from us. When he does something for us, he does it out of choice. He is not "under compulsion" or guilt or manipulation. He does things, like dying for us, because he wants to. We can rest in his pure love; he has no hidden resentment in what he does. His freedom allows him to love.

Many Bible characters ran into G.o.d's freedom and learned to embrace it. Embracing his freedom and respecting his boundaries, they always deepened their relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. Job had to come to accept the freedom of G.o.d to not rescue him when he wanted. Job expressed his anger and dissatisfaction with G.o.d, and G.o.d rewarded his honesty. But Job did not "make G.o.d bad," in his own mind. In all of his complaining, he did not end his relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d. He didn't understand G.o.d, but he allowed G.o.d to be himself and did not withdraw his love from him, even when he was very angry with him. This is a real relations.h.i.+p.

In the same way, Paul accepted the boundaries of G.o.d. When he planned trips that didn't work out, Paul accepted the sovereignty of G.o.d. He asked G.o.d repeatedly for a certain kind of healing that G.o.d would not give him. G.o.d said, "No. I do not choose to love you in the way that you want right now. I choose to love you with my presence." Paul did not reject G.o.d for setting that boundary.