Boundaries Face To Face Part 9

The Bible tells us how to be obedient: "Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for G.o.d loves a cheerful giver" (2 Cor. 9:7 NRSV, italics mine).

Look at the first two ways of giving: "reluctantly" and "under compulsion." They both involve fear-either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can't exist side by side with love, because "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18 NASB). Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised.

G.o.d has no interest in our obeying out of fear "because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18). G.o.d wants a response of love.

Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a "no" helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow G.o.d to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart.

Myth #3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others

Usually the quiet one in her women's Bible study group, Debbie spoke up. The topic of the evening was "biblical conflict resolution," and she couldn't be silent another second. "I know how to present facts and arguments about my opinion in a caring way. But my husband will walk out on me if I start disagreeing! Now what do I do?"

Debbie's problem is shared by many. She genuinely believes in boundaries, but she is terrified of their consequences.

Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. G.o.d never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it.

Jesus told the rich young man a hard truth about eternal life. He understood that the man wors.h.i.+ped money. So he told him to give it away-to make room in his heart for G.o.d. The results were not encouraging: "When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth" (Matt. 19:22).

Jesus could have manipulated the situation so that it was less hard to swallow. He could have said, "Well, how about ninety percent?" After all, he's G.o.d, and he makes up the rules! But he didn't. He knew that the young man had to know whom to wors.h.i.+p. So he let him walk away.

We can do no less. We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relations.h.i.+ps. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance.

When Jesus said, "Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets" (Luke 6:26), he was saying, "Don't be an ear tickler. Don't be a chronic peacemaker." If everything you say is loved by everyone, the odds are good that you're bending the truth.

Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those who don't. First, there is the person who welcomes your boundaries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them. Who says, "I'm glad you have a separate opinion. It makes me a better person." This person is called wise, or righteous.

The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our "litmus test" experiment with your significant relations.h.i.+ps. Tell them no in some area. You'll either come out with increased intimacy-or learn that there was very little to begin with.

So what does Debbie, whose husband is an avowed "boundary buster," do? Will her husband carry out his threat to walk out on her? He might. We can't control the other person. But if the only thing keeping Debbie's husband home is her total compliance, is this a marriage at all? And how will problems ever be addressed when she and he avoid them?

Do Debbie's boundaries condemn her to a life of isolation? Absolutely not. If telling the truth causes someone to leave you, this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a spiritual and emotional "home" to the abandoned person.

In no way are we advocating divorce. The point is that you can't make anyone stay with or love you. Ultimately that is up to your partner. Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physically. Often, when a crisis like this occurs, it helps the struggling couple reconcile and remake their marriage into a more biblical one. The problem was raised, and now can be addressed.

Warning: the boundaryless spouse who develops limits begins changing in the marriage. There are more disagreements. There are more conflicts over values, schedules, money, kids, and s.e.x. Quite often, however, the limits help the out-of-control spouse begin to experience the necessary pain that can motivate him or her to take more responsibility in the marriage. Many marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the spouse begins to miss the relations.h.i.+p.

Will some people abandon or attack us for having boundaries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps to fix the problem than never to know.

Bonding First, Boundaries Second Gina listened attentively to her counselor as he presented her boundary problems. "It all seems to make sense now," she said as she left the session. "I can see changes I'm going to have to make."

The next session was quite different. She entered the office defeated and hurt. "These boundaries aren't what they're cracked up to be," she said sadly. "This week I confronted my husband, my kids, my parents, and my friends on how they don't respect my boundaries. And now n.o.body will talk to me!"

What was the problem? Gina certainly jumped into her boundary work with both feet-but she neglected to find a safe place to work on boundaries. It isn't wise to immediately alienate yourself from everyone important to you. Remember that you are made for relations.h.i.+p. You need people. You must have places where you are connected, where you are loved unconditionally. It's only from that place of being "rooted and grounded in love" (Eph. 3:17 NASB) that you can safely begin learning to tell the truth. This is how you can prepare yourself for the resistance of others to your setting of biblical boundaries.

Myth #4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others

"The biggest problem with telling my mother no is the 'hurt silence,' " Barbara said. "It lasts about forty-five seconds, and it always happens after I tell her I can't visit her. It's only broken by my apologizing for my selfishness and setting up a time to visit. Then she's fine. I'll do anything to avoid that silence."

If you set boundaries, you fear that your limits will injure someone else-someone you would genuinely like to see happy and fulfilled: The friend who wants to borrow your car when you need it The relative in chronic financial straits who desperately asks for a loan The person who calls for support when you are in bad shape yourself The problem is that sometimes you see boundaries as an offensive weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don't control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn't cause injury.

This principle doesn't speak only to those who would like to control or manipulate us. It also applies to the legitimate needs of others. Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or another. Jesus left the mult.i.tudes, for example, to be alone with his Father (Matt. 14:22a23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their "knapsacks" (Gal. 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met.

This is a crucial point. We all need more than G.o.d and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relations.h.i.+ps. The reason is simple: having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.

Then, when one person can't be there for us, there's another phone number to call. Another person who may have something to offer. And we aren't enslaved to the schedule conflicts of one person.

This is the beauty behind the Bible's teachings on the church, the body of Christ. We're all a group of lumpy, b.u.mpy, unfinished sinners, who ask for help and give help, who ask again and give again. And when our supportive network is strong enough, we all help each other mature into what G.o.d intended us to be: "showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace" (Eph. 4:2a3).

When we've taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relations.h.i.+ps in this biblical fas.h.i.+on, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go.

Remember that G.o.d had no problem telling Paul that he would not take away his thorn. He tells all of us no quite often! G.o.d doesn't worry that his boundaries will injure us. He knows we are to take responsibility for our lives-and sometimes no helps us do just that.

Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry

Brenda had finally mustered up the courage to tell her boss she was no longer going to work weekends for no pay. She had asked for a meeting, which had gone well. Her boss had been understanding, and the situation was being ironed out. Everything had gone well, except inside Brenda.

It had begun innocently enough. Brenda had itemized her issues with the work situation and had presented her view and suggestions. But midway through her presentation, she'd been surprised by a sense of rage welling up inside. Her feeling of anger and injustice had been difficult to keep hidden. It had even slipped out in a couple of sarcastic comments about the boss's "golfing Fridays," comments that Brenda had had no intention of making.

Sitting at her desk, Brenda felt confused. Where had the anger come from? Was she "that kind of person"? Maybe the culprit was these boundaries she'd been setting.

It's no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an "angry cloud" follows them around for a while. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-trigger temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, "You're not the nice, loving person I used to know." The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters.

So do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. This myth is a misunderstanding of emotions in general, and anger specifically. Emotions, or feelings, have a function. They tell us something. They are a signal.

Here are some of the things our "negative" emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we've lost something-a relations.h.i.+p, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Jesus' rage at the defilement of the temple is an example of how this feeling functions (John 2:13a17).

Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation's radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an "early warning system," telling us we're in danger of being injured or controlled.

"So that's why I find myself hostile to pushy salesmen!" Carl exclaimed. He couldn't understand why he had a hard time loving sales personnel who couldn't hear his no. They were attempting to get inside his financial boundaries, and Carl's anger was simply doing its job.

Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles. In fact, a common Old Testament ill.u.s.tration of an angry person is someone with a "hard-breathing nose."1 Imagine a bull in a ring, snorting and pawing, getting the steam up to attack, and you'll get the picture.

However, as with all emotions, anger doesn't understand time. Anger doesn't dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago-or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.

This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not "new anger"-it's "old anger." It's often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.

The Scriptures say that the earth quakes "under a slave when he becomes king" (Prov. 30:22). The only difference between a slave and a king is that one has no choices and the other has all choices available to him. When you suddenly give those who have been imprisoned all their lives a great deal of power, the result is often an angry tyrant. Years of constant boundary violations generate great anger.

It's very common for boundary-injured people to do some "catching up" with anger. They may have a season of looking at boundary violations of the past that they never realized existed.

Nathan's family was known in his small town as the ideal family. Other kids envied him growing up, saying, "You're lucky your parents are so close to you-mine couldn't care less about me." Feeling a great deal of grat.i.tude for his close family, Nathan never noticed that his family carefully controlled differences and separateness. No one ever really disagreed or fought over values or feelings. "I always thought conflict meant a loss of love," he would say.

It wasn't until Nathan's marriage began suffering that he began questioning his past. He naively married a woman who manipulated and controlled him. Several years into the marriage, he knew it was in serious trouble. But to Nathan's surprise, he was not only angry at himself for getting into this mess, but also at his parents for not equipping him with tools for handling life better.

Because he genuinely loved the warm family in which he was raised, Nathan felt guilty and disloyal when he remembered occasions in which his attempts to separate from his parents and set his own limits were constantly and lovingly frustrated. Mom would cry about his argumentativeness. Dad would tell Nathan not to upset his mom. And Nathan's boundaries remained immature and nonfunctional. The more clearly he saw what this had cost him, the angrier he felt. "I made my own choices in life," he said. "But life would have been a lot better had they helped me learn to say no to people."

Did Nathan remain angry at his parents forever? No, and neither do you have to. As hostile feelings surface, bring them to relations.h.i.+p. Confess them. The Bible tells us to tell the truth to each other about our lacks, so that we may be healed (James 5:16). Experience the grace of G.o.d through others who love you in your anger. This is a first step toward resolving past anger.

A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your soul. Take responsibility for healing the "treasures" that may have been violated. In Nathan's case, his sense of personal autonomy and safety had been deeply wounded. He had to practice for a long time to regain this in his primary relations.h.i.+ps. But the more he healed, the less anger he felt.

Finally, as you develop a sense of biblical boundaries, you develop more safety in the present. You develop more confidence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. In Nathan's case, he set better limits with his wife and improved his marriage. As you develop better boundaries, you have less need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the only boundary you had. Once you have your no intact, you no longer need the "rage signal." You can see evil coming your way and prevent it from harming you by your boundaries.

Don't fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by G.o.d and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.

Boundaries Decrease Anger This brings us to an important point about anger: The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this pa.s.ses as boundaries grow and develop.

Why is this? Remember the "early warning system" function of anger. We feel it when we are violated. If you can prevent boundary violation in the first place, you don't need the anger. You are more in control of your life and values.

Tina resented her husband's coming home forty-five minutes late to dinner every night. She had a hard time keeping the food hot; the kids were hungry and crabby, and their evening study schedule was thrown off. Things changed, however, when she began serving dinner on time, with or without her husband. He came home to refrigerated leftovers that he had to reheat and eat alone. Three or four "sessions" like this prompted Tina's husband to tear himself away from work earlier!

Tina's boundary (eating with the kids on time) kept her from feeling violated and victimized. She got her needs met, the kids' needs met, and she didn't feel angry anymore. The old saying, "Don't get mad. Just get even" isn't accurate. It's far better to say, "Don't get mad. Set a limit!"

Myth #6: When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me

"Randy, I'm sorry, but I can't lend you the money," Pete said. "This is just a bad time for me."

My best friend, Randy thought to himself. I come to him in need, and he refuses me. What a blow! I guess that shows me what kind of friends.h.i.+p we really have.

Randy is preparing to embark on a life of boundarylessness with others. Why? Because being on the "receiving end" was hurtful to him. He even made an emotional vow never to put anyone else through his experience.

Many of us are like Randy. Having someone say no to our request for support leaves a bad taste in our mouths. It feels hurtful, rejecting, or cold. It becomes difficult to conceive of setting limits as being helpful or good.

Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant. None of us enjoys hearing the word no. Let's look at why accepting others' boundaries is such a problem.

First, having inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially in childhood. A parent can hurt a child by not providing the correct amount of emotional connection at the appropriate time. Children's emotional and psychological needs are primarily the responsibility of the parents. The younger the child, the fewer places he or she can go to get those needs met. A self-centered, immature, or dependent parent can hurt a child by saying no at the wrong times.

Robert's earliest memories were of being in his crib, alone in the room, for hours at a time. His parents would simply leave him there, thinking he was fine if he wasn't crying. Actually, he had moved past crying to infant depression. Their no created a deep sense of being unwanted, which followed him into adulthood.

Second, we project our own injuries onto others. When we feel pain, one response is to "disown" the bad feeling and to throw it onto others. This is called projection. Quite often, people who have been hurt by inappropriate childhood boundaries will throw their fragility onto others. Sensing their own pain in others, they will avoid setting limits on others, as they imagine how devastating it would be to them.

Robert had extreme difficulty setting nighttime limits with his three-year-old daughter, Abby. Whenever she would cry about having to go to bed, he would panic inside, thinking, I'm abandoning my daughter-she needs me and I'm not there for her. Actually, he was a wonderful father, who read stories at night, prayed, and sang songs with his little girl. But he read his own pain in her tears. Robert's injuries kept him from setting the correct limits on Abby's wish to keep him singing songs and playing-until sunrise.

Third, an inability to receive someone's boundary may mean there is an idolatrous relations.h.i.+p. Kathy felt wounded and isolated when her husband wouldn't want to talk at night. His silence resulted in severe feelings of alienation. She began wondering if she were being injured by her husband's boundaries.

The real problem, however, lay in Kathy's dependence on her husband. Her emotional well-being rested on his being there for her at all times. He was to have provided everything that her own alcoholic parents hadn't. When he had a bad day and withdrew, her own day was a disaster.

Though we certainly need each other, no one but G.o.d is indispensable. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be occupied by G.o.d. We should never see one other person as the only source of good in the world. It hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom, and our development.

Ask yourself: "If the person I can't hear no from were to die tonight, to whom would I go?" It's crucial to develop several deep, significant relations.h.i.+ps. This allows those in our lives to feel free to say no to us without guilt because we have somewhere else to go.

When we have a person we can't take no from, we have, in effect, handed over the control of our lives to them. All they have to do is threaten withdrawal, and we will comply. This occurs quite often in marriages, where one spouse is kept in emotional blackmail by the other's threat to leave. Not only is this no way to live-it doesn't work, either. The controller continues withdrawing whenever he or she is displeased. And the boundaryless person continues frantically scrambling to keep him or her happy. Dr. James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough is a cla.s.sic work on this kind of boundary problem.2 Fourth, an inability to accept others' boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibility. Randy, who needed a loan from his best friend, is an example of this problem. He was making Pete responsible for his own financial woes. Some people become so accustomed to others rescuing them that they begin to believe that their well-being is someone else's problem. They feel let down and unloved when they aren't bailed out. They fail to accept responsibility for their own lives.

Paul strongly confronted the Corinthians in a letter that has since been lost. He set limits on their rebelliousness. Thankfully, they responded well: Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it-I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while-yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. (2 Cor. 7:8a9) The Corinthians took, accepted, and responded well to Paul's boundaries, whatever they were. That's a sign of taking responsibility.

It's helpful to remember Jesus' Golden Rule here: "In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you" (Matt. 7:12). Apply it to setting limits. Do you want others to respect your boundaries? Then you must be willing to respect the boundaries of others.

Myth #7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt

Edward shook his head. "There's something not right about all this for me," he said. My folks were always so caring and concerned about me. It's been such a great relations.h.i.+p. And then . . ." He paused, groping for words.

"And then I met Judy and we got married. And that was wonderful. We saw my folks every week, sometimes more. Then the kids came along. Everything was fine. Until I got the job offer from across the country. It was the position of my dreams-Judy was excited about it, too.

"But as soon as I told my parents about the offer, things changed. I started hearing them talk about Dad's health-I hadn't realized it was that bad. About Mom's loneliness-about how we were the only bright spots in their lives. And about all the sacrifices they'd made for me.

"What do I do? They're right . . . they've given their lives to me. How can I leave them after all that?"

Edward isn't alone in his dilemma. One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feelings of obligation. What do we owe not only our parents, but anyone who's been loving toward us? What's appropriate and biblical, and what isn't?

Many individuals solve this dilemma by avoiding boundary setting with those to whom they feel an obligation. In this sense, they can avoid the guilty feelings that occur when they say no to someone who has been kind to them. They never leave home, never change schools or churches, and never switch jobs or friends. Even when it would be an otherwise mature move.