Chicks - The Chick Is In The Mail Part 23

Finally, He glowered at Darrow. (Actually, G.o.d's immaterial. It was more that the whole Universe took on a sense of all-pervading GLOWER, aimed at Darrow.) YOU RAT. YOU LOUSE.

The old man was a plucky character, you've got to hand it to him. "What did I do-besides win another defense case?"

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT, DARROW. AS YOU WELL KNOW. MAN IS GUILTY OFORIGINAL SIN, SO HOW CAN HE BE INNOCENT? YOUR WHOLE LIFE WAS AN.

AFFRONT TO ME, AND YOU'RESTILL DOING IT!.

Darrow sneered. "So d.a.m.n me to h.e.l.l, then."

G.o.d was silent. After all, what could He say? It's the ultimate problem in penal science, when you think about it. How do you punish a lifer who's already dead?

In the end, of course, Darrow caught it from the Devil after G.o.d left. Satan was purely furious about the whole affair.

"You're promoted," snarled the Prince of Darkness, and he gave Darrow the premier spot in h.e.l.l, on the ninth level. Satan even added a fourth mouth to his clone (which, contrary to Dante, isn't actually the Devil himself) so that Clarence Darrow could join Ca.s.sius, Brutus and Judas Iscariot as a chewee.

But Darrow wasn't fazed. Right away he introduced himself to his neighbors.

"Boy, am I glad to see you," said Judas.

"It was temporary insanity!" cried Ca.s.sius. "Caused by eating junk food. Shakespeare's my witness. He said himself I had 'a lean and hungry look.'"

"I had a warped childhood," whined Brutus. "Too much privilege."

As for the thief, he had ten years to think over the course of his life. Tenlong years, because Purgatory is a doctor's waiting room. And he never got any time off for good behavior because he screwed up. (Tried to steal a six-year-old copy ofSports Ill.u.s.trated . Wasn't even the swimsuit issue.) But eventually, he served the time, and was materialized back in Loretta's cellar.

And found that the cellar was now the TV room of a very large and muscular truck driver who immediately beat him to a pulp. Partly for trespa.s.sing, but mostly because he materialized in front of the TV set in the last ten seconds of the Super Bowl with the go-ahead field goal on its way. The truck driver had four friends with him, too. Raiders fans.

A few days later, when the thief got out of the hospital, he went looking for Loretta. It took him weeks, but eventually he tracked her down to a very fancy house in a very nice part of town.

His tongue was practically hanging out as he rang the doorbell. Ten years' abstinence, you understand.

Loretta was there, all right. She even opened the door wearing her roller derby queen gear, all the way down to the knee and elbow pads. That had him salivating immediately. He'd always loved that outfit!

I've got to tell the truth, now that we're getting to the end of the story. That thief was a warped, depraved, degenerate, kinky sicko. The only books he ever bought had covers just like this one.

Alas. She wasn't Loretta Minisci, stripper, would-be witch, anymore. She was still a roller derby queen-theroller derby queen, in fact-but she was also Mrs. Loretta White, Ph.D. (Harvard-summa c.u.m laude,Phi BetaKappa , the whole shot). It turns out that a week after she got back from h.e.l.l she met a chemist at the supermarket and while they were chatting in the cas.h.i.+er's line he explained to her that brimstone was just another word for sulfur, which, (hey, what do you know?) he happened to have a lotof in his laboratory and before they even got there she'd fallen in love with the mousy little guy and one thing led to another and ten years later she'd not only earned her Ph.D. in chemistry but had been able to apply her talent for witchcraft to revolutionize the entire science, and, no, she'd love to talk (How have you been, anyway? Still stealing?) but she had to catch a plane for the Olympics where she was going to win the gold medal-she'd gotten the sport internationally recognized just last year,isn't that great?- before she had to catch another plane to Stockholm to accept the n.o.bel Prize.Bye.

The thief went berserk at that point and tried to force his affections upon her (as they say). But that's really not the best seduction technique to use on a roller derby queen. A few knees and elbows later, Loretta was off to catch her plane and the thief went back into the hospital for a few more days.

Things went downhill from there.

He started thieving again, but the truth is that it's a young man's game and he was over the hill. Ten years out of practice, too. So he got caught. Hubcaps, believe it or not. He tried to steal them off a slow-moving car in the inaugural parade-yeah; Limo One. Sent up for three years. (Would have been way more-a.s.sa.s.sination attempts get twenty, easy-except the psychiatrist informed the court that the thief didn't know the names of any presidents since Abraham Lincoln led the war of independence against George Was.h.i.+ngton III.) After he got out, he lasted on the streets for six weeks before he was sent back to prison. Stealing hubcaps, again. In the pits, at the Daytona 500. Five years. No time off for good behavior because they caught him trying to steal-never mind. You wouldn't believe it.

The next time he got caught he was a three-time loser and so they sent him up for life in the toughest prison in the state. He survived six, count 'em, six hours. After finding himself with two cellmates wearing "Aryan Nation" tattoos and reading weird books about women in armor, he got into a religious discussion in which he explained that he had met Satan personally and could a.s.sure them that the Devil was a white man.

So there he was, back again, a thief in h.e.l.l.

"I want Darrow!" he cried.

But the Devil just laughed at him. "Not this time, chump. You've already been convicted. No trial. No rights. No appeals. And I've been waiting for this day to come."

Satan rubbed his hands together with glee. It sounded like a rattlesnake. "Boy," snickered the Lord of Flies, "have I got plans for you."

And he did, too. Grotesque plans. Horrible plans. Indescribable plans. The worst thing you could imagine.

He made the thief listen to one performance of Wagner'sParsifal (which, of course, lasts for eternity).

It all goes to show the importance in the modern world of getting a formal education.

Although, now that I think about it, maybe it wouldn't have made much difference in the thief's case.

Ignorance can be fixed. Stupid is forever.

The Right b.i.t.c.h

Doranna Durgin

Sabre whooped with enthusiasm, barreling through the woods' thick undergrowth, his nose full of magicsmell and his ears full of Taliya's distant encouragement, with his brain too hot on trail to think. So hot he almost missed the answering trail cry to the south, a slightly clearer voice than his own and closing in fast. It made no sense; he didn't care. Not with the quarry so close, his sweaty, unwashedhumansmell strong with forbidden magic.

But suddenly the trail doubled, adding morehumansmell to themagicsmell , and Sabre understood.Two smugglers , joining forces, both being trailed.

Sabre called out, wild and strong. Confident.

The second dog sounded again, nearly in his ear, and charged onto his trail, cutting him off. He got a glimpse of flying black ears, smelled the blood of bramble-torn skin, and then saw nothing but dog b.u.t.t, right in his face.

b.i.t.c.h-b.u.t.t.

s.h.i.+ba, he realized instantly, checking his speed so he wouldn't plow right into her. s.h.i.+ba, whom his linewoman mentioned far too often, and with far too much attention to the discriminating nature of her nose. And whenwould everyone forget about that vaunted critter episode?

She might have a nose, but she couldn't match his speed. "Oowh! Oowh!" he bellowed, demanding and impatient, finally-and rudely-shoving her aside to fly by at top speed.

Show-off speed.

The kind of speed to run him straight into trouble. Into- Sabre yelped as a whip lashed across his head, popping a welt on one sensitive ear; he flung himself aside, yipping like a pup as the lash landed again. "Git on, you cur!" the man jeered, and Sabre tumbled down, rolling aside, hearing s.h.i.+ba gone wise and silent-in retreat-leaving him to- "Watch out!" the other human cried, too late for his partner to respond to the black and silver blur heading his way. s.h.i.+ba uttered not a sound as the lash fell across her back, but leapt up to grab the stout leather whip handle, as intent on it as on any trail-prey. Beyond her, the other human took flight again.

"s.h.i.+ba-call!" commanded her lineman-not so far away, now-and s.h.i.+ba barkedtreed for him, dropping the whip.

"Sabre! Call!" Taliya shouted as Sabre climbed to his feet and shook off, sending bits of leaves and dirt and grit flying. He managed a half-hearted bark and ruefully pawed his stinging ear. s.h.i.+ba made enough noise for both of them. He got his first good look at her, then, as the linemen approached from their separate directions. Beautiful, she was-well-muscled, long-limbed, a graceful neck and lovely arch to her tail. Where Sabre was heavily marked with black-his blueing so thick it looked mottled instead of ticked, his head and chest heavy and masculine-s.h.i.+ba stood a st.u.r.dy but clean-lined b.i.t.c.h, her back and head glossy black, her ticking so perfectly distributed that it appeared silver-blue from even a short distance.

Sabre felt an immediate and intense dislike.

And she was the one standing on tree, backing the man against a stout oak, while Sabre stood spraddle-legged and dazed as the linemen arrived, more or less simultaneously.She wore bramble-guard, a leather chest plate and canvas body jacket.She probably hadn't even felt the whip.

Sabre gave a small sneeze of frustration and pawed his head again. He never wore bramble-guard . . .

because he could never stop himself from chewing it to bits.

"There should be two," Taliya said breathlessly, leaving s.h.i.+ba's man to handle the magic smuggler as she kicked the whip well out of reach and dropped to her knees beside Sabre. Her long, tawny braid fell over her shoulder to brush the top of his head. "There, now, son. Got you a good one, didn't he?"

Despite himself, desperately wis.h.i.+ng s.h.i.+ba's sharp brown gaze pointed elsewhere, Sabre whined in response.Hurts . And when Taliya soothed him, he wagged his tail in silly submissive little jerks and whined again. Couldn't help it. Never could, where Taliya was concerned.

s.h.i.+ba looked away as though embarra.s.sed for the both of them.

"Well, there's only the one," s.h.i.+ba's man-Tallon, that was his name-said, sounding frustrated. "The other must've gotten away. Sons of b.i.t.c.hes, taking awhip to him-"

Taliya looked up from Sabre, who'd managed to insinuate himself into her lap, even though she was kneeling and had no real lap of which to speak. "How'd you train her for that? These dogs don't have an aggressive hair on their bodies, not when it comes to people."

Tallon shook his head, still pensively looking off in the direction in which the smuggler had escaped.

"Didn't train her. Ever since the critter-based magic smuggling ring last fall, she's been impossible to keep off dangling things-laundry, ropes, hair, you name it. She's got a real grudge against the ugly things-and you know the way their tails hang down when they're treed. I don't hang my socks out to dry where she can reach them anymore."

The other side had concocted their scheme knowing that the linehounds were trained off critter trail, and had used the critters to carry minor magics and amulets, hoping to confuse the hounds. Only pups took a second sniff at critter trail-and any adult dog caught chasing them was retired. It had nearly happened to s.h.i.+ba, Sabre knew.

"They all hate the critters," Taliya said mildly, which was true enough-no polite linehound would even think their true name, but used only the nickname commonly applied by humans.

"s.h.i.+ba more than most, these days." He looked after the escapee and shook his head. "d.a.m.n."

Taliya nodded at s.h.i.+ba. "Is she sound? Send her on." Tallon shook his head. "We've near reached the border already. I won't send her into that alone."

But she would have gone. Even Sabre could see that. And he would have joined her. That's what they did, the linehounds-patrolled the border between Ours and Theirs, sniffing out magic smugglers who wanted to contaminate Ourswith Theirs.

"Smart man," said the captive, derisive despite the newly applied restraints. "You be smarter, you'll give up on those d.a.m.n curs right now. They do you no good, soon enough."

Tallon silenced the man with an intense look; Taliya swapped her appraisal from s.h.i.+ba to her lineman, impressed. Sabre lifted his nose to the subtle scent of new magic, a strange, richmagicsmell he'd not encountered before. He couldn't sort it out.

He looked at s.h.i.+ba, but she'd rediscovered the whip and s.n.a.t.c.hed it up to administer a kill-the-rat death shake. The tolerant affection on Tallon's face gave Sabre a funny itchy feeling-except he couldn't quite figure out where the itch was, only that it was subtle and as invasive as a tick creeping across belly flesh.

Whipped. Embarra.s.sed. Itchy.

More than a good linehound could take. Sabre hid his aching head under Taliya's arm.

Rumors flew. Sabre heard them when Taliya brushed him down-curried him, actually, ma.s.saging him while bringing the dirt up on his short, slick coat.

"Something big going on," Taliya told him, knocking the brush clean against the side of their well-appointed log cabin. The line cabins ran along the border between Theirs and Ours, all more or less identical dwellings-if you didn't count the personal touches the linemen added.

Taliya had added plenty. Nice curtains-even if there was no one in these woods to close them against-a special platform for Sabre's food bowl, a niche below the raised porch for his cool summertime bed. He slept in the cabin with her, anyway.

Sabre applied a hind foot just behind his ear, still looking for that itch, not concerned with Taliya's gossip; the sound of her voice was enough. He paused, examining his foot-yep, still his-noted the continuing presence of the itch, and tried again, this time on his cheek, careful not to poke himself in the eye.

"Something they think will put us out of business, Sabre-old-boy."

Sabre-old-boy. One of his favorites. He stopped scratching again to pant happily at her. Early morning summer suns.h.i.+ne, just been brushed, about to go on patrol . . . Yes.Happy . He nibbled absently at his shoulder. And at some point he became aware of Tallon's approach, s.h.i.+ba with him . . .

Not important. Maybe if he pretended they weren't there, his morning would stay just between him and Taliya. So he nibbled, even catching wind of the strange human with them, and didn't warn Taliya-though he was sorry when she jumped at Tallon's words, and even sorrier at her look of reproach.

"Looks like it's time for a dip," Tallon said. As if Sabre hadfleas .

"Grmph," Sabre said, a half-hearted grumble of greeting, making it clear they weren't worth barking at.

Not even the strange man . . . he'd had magic on him once, but no more, and besides, his hands were tied behind his back. And s.h.i.+ba . . . she went without bramble-guards today, and her coat shone in the sun, deep glossy black.

He still didn't like her.

"Just did one," Taliya said easily, as if no flea-born insult had pa.s.sed. She even looked downright glad to see Tallon. "Been out on patrol already?"

"Had a tip yesterday-caught this one just after dawn. We were close, so . . ."

"Let me get some water for s.h.i.+ba," Taliya said, picking up Sabre's dish.

Sabre's dish. "Grmph," he said, but no one seemed to be listening. And worse, he detected the strange newmagicsmell . s.h.i.+ba smelled it; she must. There-her nose twitched; she had the same puzzled look in her eye that Sabre felt on his own wrinkling brow. But she said nothing, merely took a polite drink from the water Taliya presented and stood by Tallon's side as Taliya gave him cellar-cooled tea and one of her own breakfast biscuits. And finally came to the point.

"What's this one been up to?" she asked, jerking a thumb at the sullen prisoner.

"He ditched the contraband before we reached him," Tallon said. "It doesn't matter. The point is more, whatwill he be up to? My source said he's a minor player-but he's got information. I thought you might be interested."

Taliya grinned, a surprisingly predatory expression. Sabre stopped sniffing the air to give her his full attention. Maybe the morning had lost itshappy , but it had certainly turned interesting.

"Not telling you nothing," the prisoner grumbled, though no one had, strictly, asked. "Don't lay a hand on me, rules say you can't."

Taliya smiled beatifically; a slow grin spread across Tallon's face at the sight. "I'mnot going to touch you," she said. "Except for this." And with two fingers on his shoulder, she guided him down. With a suspicious glance at Tallon, the man went to his knees, backed up against the house and with Tallon at his side to keep him there. "You just wait there," she said. "Tallon and I are going to discuss the dogs."

"We are?"

"We are. Sabre, son, come here."

Sabre complied immediately, for she had hergood dog voice on. He didn't like standing so close to the man, but Taliya positioned herself so he had little choice. "Thatta boy," she said. "Tallon, you haven't been properly introduced to Sabre. He's the fastest thing on trail you'd ever hope to see." Ooh, that was definitely thegood boy voice. Sabre's tail waved with pleasure. "In fact," she said, her voice going positively gooey, "he's thebest linehound I ever hope to be with. He'ssuch a good boy."

Oh, joyful! Sabre's tail whipped the air, impeded only by something soft and yielding andinconsequential. He ignored the strangled noises behind him; all that mattered was Taliya. His linewoman, cooing at him, admiring him, praising him . . . oh, delight! His tail exploded into frenzied activity.

"I'll talk! I'll talk! Just get that dog away from me!"

Startled from his Taliya-wors.h.i.+p, Sabre glanced back to discover the man had turned a strange shade of pale green and was all hunched over, hands still tied behind him. He gave the distinct impression that he was trying to cover his groin with his elbows.

Somehow, he nearly succeeded.