Broken Pasts Part 7

"I'm not Gillian," I said and regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. I hadn't meant them to be rude. I was drunk, so sue me. It was just a fact. I wasn't his wife; I was a client. If I wanted to go out on the town without him or Cedric or whoever else, I had every right to. "Sorry." Nathaniel smiled and crossed his hands in front of him with a sigh.

"No," he told me. "You're not." And then he looked up and stared at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. "And I'm sorry. Still," he continued as I stood there and tried not to trace the firm line of his shoulders, fantasize about taking off his coat, running my fingers down that crisp white s.h.i.+rt, tearing off those f.u.c.king b.u.t.tons ... I swallowed hard. "You paid for a week of protection, and I'm going to give it to you." I blinked at him. Talk about s.e.xual innuendo!

"Oh my G.o.d!" Jamie squealed and then she was shoving me forward and into Nathaniel's arms. He caught me easily, dragged me into the private, little s.p.a.ce bubble around his person and held me there, nice and tight. His hands held my lower back and his firm midsection was pressed against mine. I felt the hard b.u.mp of his gun under his jacket and tried to adjust myself so I wasn't so close. It didn't work. Nathaniel was holding onto me like he was grasping for a life line. I looked up into his dark eyes and I was trapped. My inhibitions were down and my body was on fire from the heat and the sweat and the dancing. Before I knew what was happening, I was kissing him.

At first, it was just me, just this tentative little brush of lips against lips. I almost pulled away, almost turned around and laughed it off, but Nathaniel's fingers tightened, digging into my flesh with a painful pleasure that was twice as intoxicating as the Mai Tai I'd had earlier. Before I knew it, he was kissing me back.

Oh. My. G.o.d.

If I thought I'd been kissed before, I was wrong. Whatever I'd done before had been a weak, watery prelude to this heat that Nathaniel Sutherland was delivering. He didn't just kiss with his mouth or his tongue. Nathaniel took my body against his, wrapped his arm around my back and grabbed my hip while his other hand found my throat, slid across my skin and buried itself in my hair. He kissed me like a drowning man gasping for air, like he was tasting me, taking me into him. He made my knees weak and my heart strong. I moaned into his mouth, slid my hands up his chest and put my arms around his shoulders. I think, maybe, if I hadn't been drunk that something might've happened between us, something special, a start to something permanent. Unfortunately, Nathaniel Sutherland was the world's biggest gentleman.

"Theresa," he said as he pulled his face away. I noticed that he didn't take his hands off of me, not yet. "I'm sorry, but we have to stop."

"Under different circ.u.mstances?" I asked, and I hated the way my breath smelt like Vodka. Ech. Nathaniel smiled and brushed some of the hair away from my forehead.

"Unfortunately," he said and I noticed that Jamie was actually standing with her ear about an inch away from our faces. She'd never been very good at eavesdropping. She was even worse when she was drunk. "Maybe we can discuss this later?" he asked, and I nodded, smiled my best girly-girl smile at him and promptly threw up.

CHAPTER 14.

I woke to the horrid screeching of my cell phone. Rhea had been in a dinosaur phase a few months back and had thought it would be cool if my ringtone was the sound of the screeching velociraptors from the Jura.s.sic Park movie. At eight in the morning with a hangover and a horrible sense of vertigo, I can tell you firsthand that it was not.

"What?" I snapped at Jamie. I'd s.n.a.t.c.hed the phone from the nightstand and was now lying with my head hanging over the side of the bed in case I puked. It never occurred to me to check for Nathaniel.

"You're welcome. I took Rhea to school and Joel packed her what he always packs for the boys on Mondays. A nutritious, delicious, cold slice of pizza, a can of Pepsi, and a bag of potato chips."

"That's great, Jamie," I said as I yawned and threw myself back into the pillows. "P.S. I hate you."

"For what? You had a great time! Granted, you did sleep through the entire movie, but at least Mr. Hot and Bothered Bodyguard was there for you to rest your head on. Besides, you should be thanking me. In what other situation would you have had the courage to stick your tongue down his throat?"

"Huh?" I said, but I knew exactly what she was talking about. Okay, well I didn't remember the movie (for obvious reasons), but I remembered the kissing ... I could never forget the kissing. I glanced sharply up at the doorway and found Nathaniel's back, clad in ... a T-s.h.i.+rt? Oh. You freaking vomited on him, Theresa, like some sorority girl at a kegger. Nice. Real nice. "I'm late for work," I blurted before she could say anything else. "I have to go."

"You own your own business," Jamie replied as I rolled my eyes and checked my clothes. I was still wearing last night's little black dress. It didn't look so hot now, all rumpled up and smelling of sweat. How attractive. "So, how was he last night? You did sleep with him, didn't you?"

"Don't you have a life outside of mine? Go prosecute someone."

"We're waiting on a plea deal from the defense. I have time to kill."

"I'm hanging up now." I ended the call and set the phone on my nightstand.

"Good morning," Nathaniel said, voice pleasant and perky. He glanced over his shoulder at me and caught my eyes with his. His gaze took my breath away, and I had to glance at the wall to remember a few words in the English language.

"Morning," I croaked as I swung my legs out of bed and hit the wood floor with a thump. "I, um, am sorry about your suit." Nathaniel turned around fully to face me and dropped his hands from his bodyguard position so that they hung comfortably at his sides.

"It's alright," he told me and on his face was a genuine smile that softened up some of that perfection. Honestly, his grin was just a tad crooked, only noticeable if you looked at it just right. It was a feature that my made my blood thrum with excitement and my hands twitch. Why did you have to be such a hottie? "I was wondering," Nathaniel began and then paused. Something about him was ... off. I watched him run his hand through his thick, dark hair and tried to figure out what it was. It took me longer than I care to admit to figure out that he was nervous. Of little old me. Go figure? "Could you go into work a bit later today?" My heart started to pound and my head went all loopy.

"He's out there again, isn't he?" I asked as I scooted around the end of the bed and paused with my fingers inserted between two dusty aluminum slats on the horrible off-white blinds. I rose up on my tiptoes and peered around for Gary with his s.h.i.+ny eyes and disturbingly blank face. He was nowhere to be seen.

"Actually, no," Nathaniel said as I watched the couple down the street start a rather vicious row on their front walk. He was cheating, so I didn't blame her. He even had the audacity to bring his mistress some teenager with too-blonde hair and the world's fakest smile over on Sunday mornings when the Mrs. went to brunch with her parents. Pig. I dropped the blinds and turned around, trying my d.a.m.nedest to keep my eyes from focusing on Nathaniel's pecs. Granted, the T-s.h.i.+rt he was wearing was tight and he was tight and well, they just sort of stuck out at me. "Since we didn't get the chance to go shooting yesterday, I thought maybe you'd like to go today."

"Now?" I asked as I blinked at him and mentally ran through all the things on my to-do list. My business couldn't run itself, but perhaps I could go in later and get some work done? After all, if I didn't learn to use that gun now, I was never going to. And when Nathaniel left on Wednesday, I would be on my own. If Gary tried something, anything at all, I wanted to be ready for him. "I have a client with a very specific idea in mind for her website. She's so obsessed with the specifics of it that she won't even discuss it over the phone. I have a meeting with her in ... " I glanced over at the clock. "An hour." Even the thought of meeting with Ms. Brown was horrifying to me. It made the headache I was already nursing desperate to become a migraine.

Nathaniel's face, although carefully schooled, drooped, just a bit.

"Is that a no then?" he asked me with a gentle smile.

"That's a Let Brenda figure out," I told him and watched as his face bloomed into a wicked grin.

"Good," Nathaniel said as I reached up my fingers and brushed them across the Kukui nut necklace. "Because I'm taking you out to breakfast."

"Isn't this a breech of the whole client-bodyguard relations.h.i.+p thing?" I asked Nathaniel as we handed our menus to the waiter and stared at one another from across the admittedly short expanse of tabletop.

"I'm playing the boyfriend, remember?" he asked me as he leaned back and studied my face with a bemused expression. "This is something a boyfriend would do. That is, if I'm remembering correctly." I laughed even though I wasn't sure if it was that kind of moment and took a sip of my ice water.

"You mean you haven't been on a single date since " I couldn't say her name aloud. It wouldn't be right. I looked down at my hands and laced my fingers together.

"Since Gillian died?" Nathaniel filled in for me. "No. Not even one." I looked up at him sharply and blurted the first thing that came to mind.

"Weren't you lonely?" I asked him, taking my own life experience and applying it like a road map over his. When one lover leaves, you move onto the next because life is going to happen whether you want it to or not, and it's too hard if it happens when you're all alone.

"Desperately so," he said and we locked gazes right there in the restaurant and something pa.s.sed between us. I don't know what it was, but it made me sit a little taller, push out my chest a little further, smile a little wider. This is ridiculous! You can't be interested in this man. You can't; you just can't. Remember your New Year's Resolution. I glanced away.

"Oh." That's all I said because I was treading in unfamiliar territory here. With Nathaniel. With myself.

"I loved her too much to move on," he said with a bitter tone. It wasn't directed at me. At least, I didn't think it was. His voice held too much old hurt, too much pain. This was probably something he'd heard before from his parents, siblings, friends. Move on. People told me to do that when I lost the baby, when I lost Glen, when I lost my chance to be happy. I'd tried. I'd gone out and I'd dated and I'd built the business and I'd found Gary. And look where that had gotten me? I was still lonely.

"She must've been great?" I asked and I noticed that Nathaniel's eyes softened, and I watched in wonder as he reached out and took one of my hands in his. It was just a light touch, gentle and soft, but there was a heat behind it that was frightening. Here we were talking about his dead wife and how he'd never dated anyone and yet, he was touching my hand. And he'd kissed me last night at the club. We hadn't talked about it, but it was in the air between us, hanging like smoke. You might be able to see through it, but you knew it was there.

"Let's talk about something else," Nathaniel offered softly.

"Like Gary?" I asked because I was absolutely, one hundred percent convinced that this conversation was soon going to be steered back towards my case. After all, Nathaniel had turned me down more than once. The very fact that we were at breakfast together was strange enough. I kind of just a.s.sumed that he brought me out to see if Gary would show up. I mean, this wasn't really a date, was it?

"No," Nathaniel said, leaning back and c.o.c.king his head to the side. "I think we've talked enough about Gary." He paused and flashed me a guilty smile. "For now. I mean, I'm not going to forget about your case or anything. I just ... " He paused and sat there looking back at me from green eyes, one arm resting on the back of the booth, the other sitting on the table. The suit hid his arms from view and I was starting to think that although he looked d.a.m.n good in it, that that was a shame because Nathaniel Sutherland was built to impress. He had well muscled arms, but they had a different look to them, like they weren't just vanity muscles. They were long and lean and ready to kick some a.s.s. It was the difference between a man who lifted weights to get big and a man who just lived a lifestyle.

"You just ... " I supplied, wanting very much to hear what he had to say. I had b.u.t.terflies in my stomach. I hadn't had those since seventh grade. The man was absolutely intoxicating. What can I say?

"I just like you," Nathaniel said and I swear, I nearly melted into that chair. He leaned forward and put both hands on the tabletop. "I shouldn't be saying that. I shouldn't even be here. I should have never followed you to the club last night. It wasn't my business, Theresa. If you dismiss us, that's it. We don't get a say in your well-being unless you ask for it. You could've fired me or sued me. You still could, but I can't stop thinking about you."

"Because I look like her?" I ventured even though I didn't think that was it. I had to hear him say it though, hear him tell me that he was interested in Theresa McMaster, not Gillian Sutherland. Nathaniel looked at my hands like he wanted to touch them again, but he didn't. He sat back carefully and shook his head.

"You do, but that isn't it. I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't say it helped." Nathaniel smiled at me and paused while the waiter set our plates down in front of us. "But that's not the only reason. There's just something about you that attracts me." I choked on my water and nearly spit it across the table at him.

"My life is so messed up, Nathaniel. You don't want to get involved."

"I already am," he said as he picked up his fork and stared down at his food. He wasn't seeing it though. Nathaniel's eyes were clouded with memories. When he looked up at me there was a fierce determination burning there that made my heart skip a couple of beats. "I care whether you live or die, Theresa, and not because you paid me to and not because of my wife. I just can't stand the thought of you getting hurt. I'm not asking you to marry me. I just want to give it a shot. What do you say?"

"What are you asking exactly?" I asked as I started stabbing at my plate with the crooked fork. "For me to be your girlfriend?" It sounded strange, even to me, like I was way beyond that point. I had a kid and a business and two ex-husbands who weren't worth their salt. "I don't know, Nathaniel," I told him. "I like you, but I ... I don't know if I can do the whole dating thing right now. You know what I mean?" He nodded, but he didn't say a word. Not one, single word.

CHAPTER 15.

Nathaniel took me to an indoor/outdoor shooting range on the edge of town with a big black sign labeled simply, Tate's. The parking lot was nearly empty, not surprising considering it was Monday, but it didn't make me feel any less nervous.

"I've never even fired a gun before," I told Nathaniel as he pulled into a front s.p.a.ce and shut off the engine. He glanced over at me and smiled, one hand on the keys in the ignition, the other on the wheel.

"A woman as intelligent as you should have no problem picking it up," he said as his smile s.h.i.+fted from friendly to dirty. "You just hold it in your hands and squeeze." Nathaniel winked at me and opened up his door, stepping out onto the pavement before I could respond. That nasty b.a.s.t.a.r.d, I thought as I followed him out, gun case in one hand, purse in the other. As my heels. .h.i.t the pavement, I realized that I might be a tad overdressed. There was a woman getting out of a ma.s.sive Ford pickup next to us, her brown hair tucked into a hat, a T-s.h.i.+rt and jeans on her lithe body. Meanwhile, there I was in a pale blue dress with polka dots and a pair of nude pumps on my feet. The woman smiled at me, but it wasn't nice. More like a You are so out of your element kind of a smile.

I watched as her eyes s.h.i.+fted up and over my shoulder, found Nathaniel and widened, just a bit.

"Are you okay?" he asked me as he came around the front of the car and paused on my left side.

"I look like a 50's housewife," I whispered as I watched jeans-girl pull a long, black bag out of her truck. She was catching little glances over her shoulder, eyeing Nathaniel with an undisguised bit of interest. I forced myself to keep my hackles down and out for the count. Can't be jealous of someone that doesn't belong to you, Theresa.

I turned to Nathaniel and watched his gaze sweep me from head to toe and back again. He didn't look disappointed. In fact, when his eyes found my face again, they were sparkling.

"As long as you're not getting the urge to ask, How was your day, dear? then I think you're okay." I smiled and lifted my gun case.

"Oh, h.e.l.l no," I told him. "More like, tell me how to load this f.u.c.king thing."

"I'll show you everything," Nathaniel told me as he held out his hand. "Don't worry about that." I hesitated for just a moment, found jeans-girl's eyes watching us inquisitively, and took it.

Nathaniel's skin was warm against mine, sending little spurts of electricity up my arm and goose b.u.mps springing up all across my skin. He made me feel ten years younger and a thousand worries lighter. Why, I don't know. I didn't believe in love at first sight, but the first moment I'd laid eyes on Nathaniel, I had sensed that there was something about him, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore.

We checked in at the counter inside, grabbed a few pairs of earm.u.f.fs, some ammunition, and headed out the opposite door into the suns.h.i.+ne.

The shooting range was directly off one of the major highways and from the outside, it appeared to be just like any other industrial shop this side of town. Tall, brick walls and a ma.s.sive cement parking lot. To say the least, it wasn't very aesthetically pleasing. But the back was different. There was a ma.s.sive expanse of green lawn bordered on two sides by hulking stone walls decorated from end to end in wildlife murals. Across from us, at the end of the range, was a wooded thicket, probably the last bastion of nature in this entire area. It was impossible to tell from the highway how beautiful it was back here.

"d.a.m.n," I said as Nathaniel guided me to a shady, covered area with a series of small tables. "This is a little island of paradise. How did you find it?" Nathaniel set the gun case down and handed me a pair of pink earm.u.f.fs. I looked down at them and then at the pair in his other hand. "Nuh-uh," I said as I reached out and grabbed the hunter green pair. "I don't do baby pink." Nathaniel paused for a moment and then laughed. He just tossed his head back and let it out, raucous and loud, real. There was someone beyond that perfect suit and manicured hair. Nathaniel Sutherland was a man I could relate to. I bet he even did the whole beer and burgers thing. When we were done here, I was going to ask him out to lunch. He'd taken me to breakfast, so it was the least I could do.

"Alright," he told me as he took the pink m.u.f.fs and hooked them around his neck. "I'll take the baby pink. It compliments my skin anyway." We grinned at each other while he opened the gun case and pulled the pistol out of the foam insert. "Cedric and I took our first gun courses here," he said as he pressed a b.u.t.ton on the side of the gun and ... something ... popped out of the bottom. "I actually saw a billboard ad on the way home from Gillian's funeral, and I just wanted to blow off some steam. It changed my life." Nathaniel paused and looked around as if he was seeing the place for the first time. "I never really noticed before, but you're right. It is beautiful." He looked me right in the eyes when he said it, and I had to glance away to regain my composure. The man was a compulsive flirt.

"So, Nathaniel Sutherland," I said as I he set the gun down on the table. "Are you going to change my life today?"

"I sure hope so, Theresa McMaster," he said and we watched each other for a moment before turning our attentions almost unanimously to the weapon. It was easier to focus on that then it was to look into one another's eyes and know that there was something there. My heart was already pumping and I couldn't stop thinking about his interest in me and my interest in him and, oh G.o.d, it was all so messed up that I didn't even know if I could put into words what I was feeling. A gorgeous man was interested in my damaged goods, a man that knew about Glen and Gary. Maybe he didn't know about the other stuff, the miscarriage and the botched surgery, but he knew the rest and he wasn't running for the hills.

"So what's this?" I asked as I pointed at the black rectangle on the table. "My gun knowledge is limited to made-for-TV movies and paperback thrillers." Nathaniel lifted it up and turned it over so I could examine it.

"This is a magazine," he said with a little grin. "Don't ever call it a clip."

"Why?" I asked as he opened the box of ammunition and removed several rounds.

"Because the gun police will show up and take away your right to bear arms," he said with a wink. I smiled and watched as he took a single round and inserted it into the magazine. "Since you don't have a concealed handgun license, you can't carry the gun loaded, not even in the case to and from the gun range, so you're going to have to know where your gun is, where your ammo is and how to load it quick, just in case." I sighed, feeling just a bit of the magic in the moment slip away. This was fun and all and probably a useful skill to have, but the whole reason I was there was to learn how to shoot and wound/kill a man I had once thought I loved because he couldn't get me out of his mind. It was a bit hard to keep the romance in the air when I thought of it like that.

Or it was until Nathaniel took my hand and wrapped it around the magazine. And he didn't let go. He got close to me, so close that the toes of my heels b.u.mped against the soles of his black loafers. His skin was unbelievably warm, and it wasn't from the sun, because despite the golden glow of the morning, it was actually pretty chilly outside. It was just him, just his skin, his own, personal heat. I tried not to sigh in bliss and swallowed as I kept my gaze trained on the bullet in his fingers.

"What you need to do is grab a round and use your fingers to push it down and back. Like this." Nathaniel pressed a round into my hand and folded his fingers gently around me, positioning my hand in a way that was anything but professional. "You need to guide it with your fingers," he whispered, leaning forward, letting his breath brush against my ear and send s.h.i.+vers down my spine. "Press it inside and " I stepped back suddenly, taking the magazine with me.

"Okay, okay," I said, embarra.s.sed that my voice sounded breathy and far away. "I think I've got it." Nathaniel smiled, but he didn't apologize, not this time. Maybe our interaction at the club had loosed a few screws in his professional demeanor? I had no idea, but I did notice that my hands were shaking as I stepped forward and loaded a few more rounds into the magazine. The air was tense but not uncomfortable. It was ... electric. I noticed jeans-girl watching us from across the range and tried not to cringe when she fired her gun, filling the air with the harsh staccato sound of gunfire. She looked p.i.s.sed.

I guess I would, too, I thought as I glanced up at Nathaniel's face. If I knew I didn't have a chance with this guy. Look at him. He can't stop staring at you.

"Now what?" I asked and my voice sounded quiet in the brief s.p.a.ce between jeans-girl's shots.

"You insert it into the bottom."

"Whoa there," I said as I nearly dropped the magazine. "Moving a little fast there, don't you think?"

"You didn't let me finish," Nathaniel said as he reached out and touched his fingers under my chin. I raised my gaze to his and suddenly there were tears there. I don't know why, they just sprung up unwanted and uncalled for. "I was going to say into the bottom of the gun."

"Sure you were," I said as Nathaniel tilted his head to the side and smiled at me. It wasn't a dirty, nasty smile this time (though I did like those quite a bit more than I'd admitted to myself), it was a gentle, understanding smile. He didn't ask why I was crying which I appreciated, just reached out, took the gun, and came around behind me.

"Just follow my motions," Nathaniel said as he helped me push the magazine into the grip of the pistol. Then he used his hands to guide mine, wrapping them around the gun and positioning my fingers before stepping back and grabbing the earm.u.f.fs. He slipped them over my head, running his fingers through my hair and down the back of my neck. I kept my watery gaze on the target and my arms straight out in front of me. "Now," he continued as he took up a position on my right side. "Just focus on everything that's bothering you, everything that's been eating away at you, holding you back. Picture it there and pull the trigger." I gave him a nervous laugh and ignored the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. It wasn't that I was sad, that wasn't it. It was just that something about Nathaniel pulled my feelings out of me. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him how I woke up four days after my twenty-first birthday, young and afraid, drenched in blood with my unborn child dying inside of me. How they rushed me into the hospital, cut me open, took out my baby and my ovaries and left me barren and alone. I wanted to tell him how happy I was when I met Rhea for the first time, when I found out that she could be mine forever. How Glen broke my heart in two when he left me for Winnie, left me alone and hurting, took our house and my car and didn't care what happened to me. I wanted to scream about Gary, say how excited I was to meet him, how certain I was that I'd never be alone again, talk about how he threatened to kill me. Twice.

Instead, I pulled the trigger, felt the recoil and the power in my arms and laughed. And then I fired again. And again. And again. Until the magazine was empty and I was gasping for breath, hunching over the table with the gun resting before me and Nathaniel standing beside me smiling. I looked up at him, through the fall of my hair and my pink earm.u.f.fs.

"You were right," I said as I stood up straight, stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. "That was pretty f.u.c.king life changing."

And then I kissed him, long and hard and fierce.

I kissed Nathaniel Sutherland, and I didn't care who was watching.

Maybe if I'd known that Gary was, I'd have thought a bit differently?

CHAPTER 16.

Nathaniel and I barely made it in the front door before we had our hands all over each other, kissing, tasting, exploring. In the back of my mind, I knew that I should slow down, take a step back and try to look at the situation more clearly. I was too wrapped up in my feelings and the constant beating of my heart, thumping so loudly that I could barely hear Nathaniel's moans as I pushed my hands under his s.h.i.+rt and lifted it over his head.

"The door," he said, still a bodyguard first and foremost. "I have to lock the door." I followed close behind him and waited for him to flip the lock. When he turned around, I was throwing myself against him, rubbing my b.r.e.a.s.t.s along his chest, throwing my head back in a gasp as his fingers slid under the neckline of my dress and pulled it down, exposed the white lace bra I'd chosen.

"Tell me this isn't a mistake," I said as Nathaniel cupped my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, slid his warm hands under the fabric and caressed them with a firm but gentle touch. I almost collapsed to my knees, certain that I was going to explode into a million pieces and die from the pleasure of his touch. Nathaniel didn't grope like some men nor did he touch my b.o.o.bs like they were made of gla.s.s. He cupped them and ma.s.saged them in gentle circles as I stepped into him and pressed our bare chests together. "Tell me," I begged, afraid of myself, my feelings, Nathaniel. Here was a man who not dated a single person since his wife's death and now he was halfway home with me after a few days? There were only two explanations for that. One was that he didn't date, but that he slept around. Not good. The second was that he was an emotionally fragile human being who I had the very real potential of hurting. Not good either.