Lunar Park Part 14

"Don't you understand? Don't you get it?" Her voice was rising. "If we don't do something we're going to lose them. Do you understand that?"

"Nadine, come on, we're going to find Mitch-"

She grabbed my arm again, her hands tearing at the sleeve of my jacket. She was breathing heavily.

"We're going to lose them if we don't do some-"

The dream was rus.h.i.+ng in the opposite direction, rewriting itself. I was trying to lift Nadine off the granite bench but she kept forcing her weight back onto it. And suddenly she shouted, "Let go of me!" and wrenched herself away. I stood there, also breathing heavily, not knowing where to go. I kept straining to piece this information together.

And then: an interruption.

"Is everything okay down there?" a voice above us called.

I looked up. The armed guard I had asked for a cigarette was standing against a railing and staring down into the courtyard before sweeping the beam from a small flashlight over my face. Covering my eyes with a hand, I said, "Yes, yes, we're fine," as courteously as possible. From my point of view the griffin's ma.s.sive head floated directly below him.

"Madam?" the guard asked, training the ray of light on her.

Nadine composed herself, blowing her nose. She cleared her throat and squinted up at the guard and called back, smiling, in a restrained and faux cheerful voice, "We're fine, we're fine, thank you very much." The light was absorbed by Nadine's mask before the guard, peering down at us uncertainly, finally moved on. The guard's interruption had brought an air of reality to the proceedings and it caused Nadine to stand up and, without looking at me, walk quickly toward the steps as if she was now ashamed by what she had admitted. I had rejected her on some level and the embarra.s.sment was too big to deal with. The stab at a tryst had failed. It was a gamble that hadn't paid off. It was time to go home. She would never mention any of this to me again.

"Nadine," I called out. I was staggering after her.

I followed her up the stairs and tried to reach out for her but she was moving too quickly, bounding up the steps leading out of the courtyard until she reached the top, where Jayne was standing, waiting.

Nadine glanced at my wife and smiled, then moved swiftly toward the library.

Jayne nodded back amiably. There was nothing accusatory in Jayne's stance-she was simply stifling a yawn, and she furrowed her brow only briefly when Nadine ignored her. At the sight of Jayne, my dream began returning, and as I stumbled over the top step I reached out and, letting the dream flow back over me, wrapped my arms around her, not caring when she refused to return the embrace.

And on the drive back to the house on Elsinore Lane, above the dashboard and out the winds.h.i.+eld, visible in the wide horizon of darkness, I was seeing newly planted citrus trees that were appearing along the interstate, and the citrus trees kept flas.h.i.+ng by, along with the occasional wild palm, their fronds barely visible in the blue mist, and the scent of the Pacific Ocean had somehow entered the Range Rover along with Elton John singing "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" even though the radio wasn't on, and then there was an exit ramp and the sign above it read SHERMAN OAKS SHERMAN OAKS in s.h.i.+mmering letters, and I thought about the city I had abandoned on the West Coast and realized there was no need to point this out to my wife, who was driving, because the winds.h.i.+eld suddenly was splintered by rain, obscuring the palm trees now lining the highway everywhere and, above them, the geometry of a constellation from a distant time zone, and I also realized that there was no need to point this out to Jayne because, in the end, I was only the pa.s.senger. in s.h.i.+mmering letters, and I thought about the city I had abandoned on the West Coast and realized there was no need to point this out to my wife, who was driving, because the winds.h.i.+eld suddenly was splintered by rain, obscuring the palm trees now lining the highway everywhere and, above them, the geometry of a constellation from a distant time zone, and I also realized that there was no need to point this out to Jayne because, in the end, I was only the pa.s.senger.

14. the kids

As I moved slowly up the stairs toward Robby's room I could hear the m.u.f.fled sounds of bullets ripping into zombies emanating from what I thought was his computer. At the top of the stairs I paused, confused, because his door was open, which it never was, and then I realized that since Jayne and I had walked into the house without speaking to each other (she just slipped silently away from me, carrying the complimentary stress basket into Marta's office) Robby hadn't heard us come in. Moving closer to the open door, I hesitated again, because I didn't want to surprise him. I peered cautiously into the room and the first thing I noticed was Sarah lying on his bed gazing dully at something while cradling the Terby. Robby sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV, his back to me, maneuvering a joystick as he caromed down another darkened corridor in another medieval castle. As I stared into the room my immediate thought: the furniture was aligned as it had been in my boyhood room in Sherman Oaks. The formation was identical-the bed placed next to the wall adjacent to the closet, the desk beneath the window that overlooked the street, the television on a low table next to a shelf containing stereo equipment and books. My room had been much smaller and less elaborate (I didn't have my own refrigerator) but the beige earth tones of the color scheme were exact, and even the lamps resting on the nightstands on both sides of the bed were distinct replicas of the ones I had, though the kitsch factor of Robby's was now considered cool, whereas my lamps from the midseventies were the epitome of a now distant and tacky chic. I let go of the decades separating Robby's room from mine and returned to the present when my gaze fell on his computer. On the screen, surrounded by text, was the face of a boy, and the boy looked familiar (in a few seconds I realize it's Maer Cohen), and the face caused me to quietly enter the room un.o.bserved until Sarah looked away from the TV and said, "Daddy, you're home."

Robby froze and then stood up quickly, dropping the joystick carelessly to the floor. Without looking at me he walked over to the computer and tapped a key, erasing the face of (I was now certain) Maer Cohen. And when Robby turned around his eyes were bright and alert, and I was so disarmed by his smile that I almost backed out of the room. I started to smile back but then realized: he was putting on a performance. He wanted to distract me from what was on that screen and he was now putting on a performance. Any hint of last night's cry of "I hate you" had vanished, and it was hard not to stare at him with suspicion-but how much of that belonged to me, and how much of it belonged to Robby? There was an expectant silence.

"Hi," Robby said. "How was it?"

I didn't know what to say. I was now my father. Robby was now me. I saw my own features mirrored in his-my world was mirrored there: the brownish auburn hair, the high and frowning forehead, the thick lips pursed together always in thought and antic.i.p.ation, the hazel eyes swirling with barely contained bewilderment. Why hadn't I noticed him until he was lost to me? I lowered my head. It took a moment to process what he was referring to. I just shrugged and said, "It was . . . fine." Another pause during which I realized I was still staring at the computer he was now blocking. Robby looked over his shoulder, a pointed gesture that was a reminder for me to end this interruption and leave.

I shrugged again. "Um, I just wanted to check if you guys had, y'know, brushed your teeth yet." This inquiry was so lame, so unlike me, that I blushed at the inappropriateness of it.

Robby nodded, standing in front of the computer, and said, "Bret, I was watching something about the war tonight, and I need to know something."

"Yeah?" I wanted him to be genuinely interested in whatever he "needed" to know, but I knew he wasn't. There was something off about his curiosity, something vengeful. Yet I wanted to make contact so badly that I let myself believe he wasn't distracting me from something he didn't want me to know. "What is it, Rob?" I tried to sound concerned but my voice was flat.

"Will I be drafted?" he asked, c.o.c.king his head, as if he sincerely wanted an answer from me.

"Um, I really don't think so, Robby," I said, moving in slow motion to the bed Sarah was lying on. "I'm not even sure if the draft exists anymore."

"But they're talking about bringing it back," he said. "And what if the war's still going on when I turn eighteen?"

My mind fumbled around until it reached: "The war won't last that long."

"But what if it does?"

He was now the teacher, and I was the student being manipulated, so I had to sit down on the edge of the bed in order to concentrate more fully on how this scene was playing out. This was the first time since I moved in that Robby was engaging me in a conversation of any kind, and when I tried to find a reason my stomach dropped: What if Ashton Allen had gotten in touch with him? What if Ashton had warned him about Nadine finding the alleged e-mails? My eyes were darting around the room looking for clues. I saw the two boxes half-filled with clothes marked SALVATION ARMY SALVATION ARMY and swallowed hard, fighting off the small and rising panic I was becoming used to. I realized that this had been a scene so rehea.r.s.ed that I could predict the last lines. I looked back at Robby and couldn't help feeling that behind the indifference was disgust, and beyond the disgust, rage. and swallowed hard, fighting off the small and rising panic I was becoming used to. I realized that this had been a scene so rehea.r.s.ed that I could predict the last lines. I looked back at Robby and couldn't help feeling that behind the indifference was disgust, and beyond the disgust, rage.

He seemed to notice my suspicions when I found myself staring at the boxes, and he asked, more urgently, "But what if it does, Dad?"

My gaze jumped back at him. The "Dad" did not sound right. He was playing a game, and my instinct was to play along, since that was the only way I was going to find any answers. I wanted to crush the phony specifics and get at some larger truth-whatever it was. I didn't want to accept anything from him under a false pretense; I wanted him to be genuine with me. But even if he was just going through the motions, he had still initiated a conversation and I wanted to keep it moving.

"Well, you don't want to . . . die for your country," I said slowly, thoughtfully.

At the word "die" Sarah stopped playing with the doll and looked over at me worriedly.

"Well, then what should I do?" he asked casually, unconcerned. "If I'm drafted into the army?"

A long pause while I formulated my answer. I tried to come up with simple, practical advice, but when I glanced back at the Salvation Army boxes I suddenly hardened and decided not to play the game anymore. I cleared my throat and, staring straight at him, I said, "I'd run away."

At the moment I said this whatever false light was animating Robby went out in an instant, and before I could reframe my answer he had already shut down.

He knew I was daring him. He kept standing in front of the computer and I wanted to tell him he could step away, that the face of the missing boy was gone and he didn't need to block what wasn't there anymore. Helplessly, I looked at Sarah-who was whispering to the doll-and then back at Robby.

"Why is your sister in here?" I asked quietly.

Robby shrugged. He had already lapsed into his usual silence, and his eyes had become speculative and cold.

"I'm scared." Sarah tightly hugged the Terby.

"Of what, honey?" I asked, about to move closer to her, even though the presence of the Terby kept me at a distance.

"Are there monsters in our house, Daddy?"

This was Robby's cue to move away from the computer-the moonscape was now pulsing from the screen-and his confidence that I would become locked in a conversation with his sister relaxed him enough that he sat back down on the floor and recrossed his legs and resumed playing the video game.

"No, no . . ." I s.h.i.+vered as my mind flashed on the rush of images I had dreamt since Halloween. "Why do you ask that, honey?"

"I think there are monsters in the house." She said this in a thick, drugged voice while hugging the doll.

I wasn't aware I had said "Well, maybe sometimes, honey, but-" until her face crumpled and suddenly she burst into tears.

"Honey, no, no, no, but they're not real, honey. They're make-believe. They can't hurt you." I said this even as my eyes took in the black doll in her arms and all the things I knew it was capable of, and then I noticed that the doll didn't have claws anymore. They had grown, and warped; they were talons now, and they were stained brown. I began formulating plans to get rid of the thing as soon as possible.

Sarah somehow knew that there were monsters in the house-because she now lived in the same house that I did-and she knew that there was nothing I could do about it. She understood that I couldn't protect her. And at that point I realized the grim fact that as hard as you try, you can hide the truth from children for only an indefinite period, and even if you do tell them the truth, and lay out the facts for them honestly and completely, they will still resent you for it. Sarah's spasm of crying ended as quickly as it began when the Terby suddenly gurgled and rotated its head toward me, almost as if it didn't want this particular conversation to continue. I knew Sarah had somehow activated the doll but I had to clench my fist to keep from crying out and moving away, because it seemed so intently to be listening to us. Sarah smiled miserably and held the doll's grotesque beak (the beak that nibbled flowers at midnight and gutted the squirrels that had been found strewn across the deck-but it was just a matrix of sensors and chips, right?) to her ear as if it had asked her to. She cradled the thing tenderly, with such uncommon gentleness that with any other toy it would have moved me, but at the sight of this thing my stomach dropped yet again. And then Sarah looked up and whispered hoa.r.s.ely, "He says his real name is Martin."

("Grandpa talked to me . . .") "Oh . . . yeah?" I whispered back, my throat constricted.

"He told me to name him that." She kept whispering.

I could do nothing but stare at the thing. From outside, as if on cue, we could hear Victor barking, and then he stopped.

"Is Terby alive, Daddy?"

(Go ahead, look at the scab on your palm. It had gone for the wrong hand, Bret. It was aiming for the hand with the gun in it, but it bit the wrong hand.) "Why?" I asked hesitantly. "Do you think he is?" My voice was quavering.

She held the doll up to her ear and listened carefully to it and then she looked back up at me.

"He says he knows who you are."

This forced me to speak up quickly. "Terby's not real, honey. It's not a real pet. It's not alive." I was intensely aware that I was still glaring at the thing, shaking my head slowly back and forth as if consoling myself.

Sarah held the doll up to her ear once again as if it asked her to.

I restrained myself from grabbing it away from her (I could smell its rotten scent) as she sat up to listen more carefully to what the doll was telling her. And then she nodded and looked back up at me.

"Terby says not in a human way but"-and now she giggled-"in a Terby way."

She clutched the thing, rocking back and forth, delighted.

I said nothing and looked to Robby for help, but he was lost in the video game or pretending to be, and over the sounds of gunfire and groans I could hear Marta's car pulling out of the driveway.

"Terby knows things," Sarah whispered.

I kept swallowing. "What . . . things?"

"Everything he wants to know," she said simply.

"Honey, it's time for you to go to sleep," I said, and then, looking over at Robby, "And I want you to turn that off and go to bed too, Robby. It's late."

"You don't need to worry about me getting enough sleep," he muttered.

"But it's my job to worry," I said.

He turned away from the television and glared at me. "About who?"

"Well," I said in a tender voice. "About you, bud."

He muttered something else and turned back to the TV screen.

I had heard what he said. And even though I did not want him to repeat it, I couldn't help myself.

"What did you say, Rob?"

And then he repeated it without difficulty or shame.

"You're not my father so don't boss me around."

"What are you . . . talking about?"

"I said"-and now he spoke very clearly, his back still to me-"you're not my father, Bret."

I was so weakened by this admission-something resentful that had been building up for a long time-and the entire day leading up to it that I was rendered silent. I was exhausted. I carefully stood up from the bed when Jayne entered the room and Sarah shouted out "Mommy!" and instead of saying, I am your father, Robby, and I always have been and I always will be I am your father, Robby, and I always have been and I always will be I simply floated out of his realm, letting their mother replace me. I simply floated out of his realm, letting their mother replace me.

I walked down the hallway, the wall sconces flickering as I pa.s.sed, and went into the master bedroom, closing the door behind me, and then I leaned against it, and for one brief, awful moment I had no idea who I was or where I was living or how I had ended up on Elsinore Lane, and I checked my jacket pocket for the Xanax that was always there and swallowed two, and then, very carefully and with great purpose, began undressing. I pulled a robe over the boxer shorts and T-s.h.i.+rt I was wearing and then I stepped into my bathroom and closed the door and started to weep about what Robby had said to me. After about thirty minutes pa.s.sed and I came out of the bathroom, I simply said to Jayne, who was standing in front of a full-length mirror inspecting her thighs (cellulite paranoia), "I'm sleeping in here tonight." She made no response. Rosa had already folded down the sheets and Jayne, wearing a T-s.h.i.+rt and white panties, slipped into bed and hid herself under the covers. I stood in the middle of the vast room, letting the Xanax wash through my system until I felt calm enough to say, "I want Sarah to get rid of that thing."

Jayne reached for a script that lay on the nightstand and ignored me.

"I want her to get rid of that doll."

"What?" she asked irritably. "What are you talking about now?"

"There's something . . . unwholesome about that thing," I said.

"What are you overreacting to now?" She flipped the script open and stared at it intently. It occurred to me that I couldn't remember what day she was leaving for Toronto this week.

"She thinks it's real or something." My slacks were lying on my side of the bed, and I moved toward them and picked them up and draped them delicately on a wooden hanger-wanting Jayne to notice how careful and deliberate my movements were.

"Sarah's fine" was all Jayne said when I walked out of the closet.

"But we were told that she doesn't hold hands with the other kids at school."

Her jaw tightened.

"I think she needs to be . . . tested again." I paused. "I think we need to accept that."

"Why? Just because she has good taste? Because she's not the kind of kid who cares about winning Miss Popularity? Because judging by what a mistake it was sending the kids to that horrible school-well, good for her, and by the way . . ."-and now Jayne looked up from the script (its t.i.tle was Fatal Rush Fatal Rush)-"why are you suddenly so concerned?"

I realized that what the teachers had told Jayne that night had offended her deeply, beyond what I had even imagined. Either Jayne did not want to believe the truth about her children-that there were problems not even the meds could alter-or she could not accept that they were damaged in some way related to her behavior and the stress in the household. I wanted to connect with Jayne, but really, all I could think about were the awful drawings Sarah had made of the black doll swooping down on the house, and the things that I knew it was capable of.

"Well, it's a peer culture, Jayne," I said as gently as possible. "And that's-"

"She's just at an awkward age," Jayne said, her eyes refocused on the script. And then: "She was was tested again, and she attended group therapy for three months and the new meds seem to be working and the speech disability has minimized itself-in case you haven't noticed." Jayne turned a page in the script, but I could tell she wasn't reading it. tested again, and she attended group therapy for three months and the new meds seem to be working and the speech disability has minimized itself-in case you haven't noticed." Jayne turned a page in the script, but I could tell she wasn't reading it.

"But you heard what the teachers were telling us." I finally sat down on the bed. "They said she doesn't know where her personal s.p.a.ce ends and someone else's begins and she can't read facial expressions, and she's nonresponsive when people are talking directly to her-"

"The ADD was ruled out, Bret," Jayne said with barely contained fury.

"-and I mean, my G.o.d, didn't you hear all that s.h.i.+t tonight?"

"You're not her parent," Jayne said. "I don't care if she calls you 'Daddy,' but you're not her parent."

"But I did hear a teacher tonight tell you that your daughter stands too close to people and talks too loudly and she's unable to put her thoughts into actions and-"

"What are you doing?" Jayne asked. "What in the h.e.l.l are you doing right now?"