Lunar Park Part 17

Piles of dead leaves blanketing everything exploded upward and suddenly formed cones that raced across the ground. My coat flapped wildly behind me as I struggled through the lot. The air rus.h.i.+ng forward felt like a knife. The crows were now reeling above me, black and cursing, their shrill cries drowned out by the roar of the wind, and the wind whipped the flag so hard that thwack thwacking sounds echoed out from the pole it was attached to. The wind subsided briefly but then another huge sheet was literally pus.h.i.+ng me out of the parking lot, and when I saw students, startled and grimacing, running for cover into buildings, I lowered my head and staggered against the wind, heading for shelter in the campus pub, The Cafe, and stood beneath the awning, where I grabbed a wooden column to support myself, but then gave up, letting the force of the wind slam me against a wall. The wind lashed out with such force that a vending machine I was standing beside toppled over. When I looked up, squinting, I could see the hands on the clock tower swinging like pendulums. You could actually hear the wind snarling.

(I shut my eyes tightly and wrapped my arms protectively around myself and asked mindlessly: what was the wind? And, just as mindlessly, something answered: the dead screaming.) And in the moment I decided to stop searching for the cars and retreat to The Barn and the safety of the office located there, the wind paused and silence ringed the campus.

My jumbled thoughts: (The wind forced you out of the parking lot) (Because it didn't want you to find a car) (You learn to move on without the people you love) (My father hadn't) (But the wind stopped: time for a drink) s.h.i.+vering, I climbed the creaking staircase leading to my office, adjusting to the warm emptiness of the Barn. I unlocked my office and the moment I stepped over the stories that had been pushed under the door, I realized that the last time I had been here was on Halloween: the day Clayton introduced himself to me, and then I moved to my desk and slumped into a chair by the window overlooking the Commons and almost started crying because on that same day Aimee Light had pretended not to know him. Outside, the dark clouds that had been guarding Midland County were dissipating, the view growing so bright that I could see past the Commons and into the valley below the campus. Horses were grazing in a pasture near a canvas tent, and a yellow tractor was maneuvering through the huge oaks and maples that made up a forest leading into town, and then I saw my father, the crows turning in the sky above him, and he was standing at the end of the Commons lawn, and his face was white and his stare was fixed on me and he was holding out his hand and I knew that if I took that hand it would be as cold as mine and his mouth moved and from where I sat I could hear the name he kept repeating, insistently escaping his lips. Robby. Robby. Robby. Robby. Robby. Robby.

Someone knocked on the door of the office and my father disappeared.

Donald Kimball looked tired and his inquisitive manner had changed since last Sat.u.r.day; he was now defeated. After I let him in he regarded me casually and gestured at a chair, which he fell into as I nodded. He sighed and sat back, his bloodshot eyes scanning the room. I wanted him to make a comment about the wind-I needed someone to verify it for me so we could share a laugh-but he didn't. When he spoke his voice was dry.

"I've never been up here," he sighed. "To the college, I mean. Nice place."

I moved over to my desk and sat behind it. "It's a nice college."

"Doesn't working here interfere with your writing schedule?"

"Well, I only teach here once a week, and I'm canceling tomorrow's cla.s.s and-" I realized how careless that made me sound and so I began to make a case for myself. "I mean, I take my job seriously even though it's not very demanding . . . I mean, it's fairly routine." I was just making noise. I just wanted to prolong everything. "It's pretty easy." I couldn't sit still-I was too nervous-and I paced the office instead, pretending to look for something. I bent down to retrieve the stories when I suddenly froze: footprints stamped in ash trailed along the wooden floor.

The same footprints that had once been visible in the darkening carpet on Elsinore Lane.

I swallowed hard.

"Why?" Kimball was asking.

"Why . . . what?" I tore my eyes away from the footprints and stood up and placed the stories on a table that sat off to the side of the window overlooking the Commons.

"Why is it easy?"

"Because they're impressed by me." I shrugged. "They sit in a room and try to describe reality and they mostly fail and then I leave." I paused. "I'm good at professional detachment." I paused again. "Plus I don't have tenure to worry about."

Kimball kept staring at me, waiting for the lame interlude I imposed on us to reach its end.

I kept forcing myself to look away from the footprints.

Finally Kimball cleared his throat. "I got your messages and I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but you didn't sound too upset and-"

"But I think I may have some news," I said, sitting down again.

(but you don't) "Yes, that's what you said." Kimball nodded slowly. "But, um . . ." He trailed off, distracted by something.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked suddenly. "I mean, I think I've got a bottle of scotch around here somewhere."

"No, no-that's okay." He stopped. "I've got to head back over to Stoneboat."

"What happened in Stoneboat?" I asked. "Wait, that's not where Paul Owen is?"

Kimball sighed heavily again. He seemed withdrawn, regretful.

"No, it isn't where Paul Owen is."

I paused. "But is Paul Owen . . . okay?"

"Yeah, he is, um . . ." Kimball finally breathed in and stared directly at me. "Look, Mr. Ellis, something happened in Stoneboat last night." He sighed, deciding whether to continue. "And I think it changed the direction of the investigation that I talked to you about on Sat.u.r.day."

I asked, "What happened?"

Kimball looked at me flatly. "There was another murder."

I took this in and nodded and then forced myself to ask, "Who . . . was it?"

"We don't know."

"I don't . . . understand."

"There were only body parts." He unclasped his hands, opening them, revealing his palms. My eyes were drawn to Kimball's fingernails. He bit them. "It was a woman." He kept sighing. "I've been busy all day with this, and I didn't want to bother you about it because the crime deviated from the theory we had."

"Meaning . . ."

"It wasn't in the book," he said. "The homicides we investigated in Midland County starting this past summer-we thought-were ultimately connected to the book and, well, this one . . . wasn't." He looked over my shoulder and out the window. "This was a serious deviation."

Immediately: I was cut off. I was on my own. Telling Kimball about Clayton wouldn't mean anything. It didn't matter now. It already seemed as if Kimball was dismissing me. It was obvious from the expression on his face that he didn't trust the story line anymore.

The crime scene-the murder that shattered the pattern-at the Orsic Motel, just off the interstate in Stoneboat, was insanely elaborate. There were ropes and body parts positioned in front of mirrors; the head and the hands were missing, and the walls were splashed with blood; there was evidence that a blowtorch had been used at one point, and the bones in both arms had been broken before the skin had been peeled off, and a woman's torso was found in the shower stall, and a huge drawing-in the victim's blood-of a face adorned the wall above the gutted bed with the words-I'M BACK-also dripping in blood, scrawled below it. There were, again, no prints. "No one even knows how the room became occupied . . . The maid . . . she . . ." Kimball's voice was fading.

It was getting dark in the office and I reached over and switched on the lamp with the green gla.s.s shade sitting on my desk, but it failed to illuminate the room.

As I listened to Kimball my heart was whirring erratically.

Though the crime scene had not been contaminated, the print man could not even come up with smudges or smears, and technicians found no signs of footprints or fibers, and serologists inspecting the spatter trajectories and the defensive wounds had found no blood samples other than the victim's, which was exceedingly rare considering the brutality of the murder. The neighborhood had already been canva.s.sed, and a psychic was now being consulted. And crus.h.i.+ng everything was the fact that this crime did not exist in my book.

My armpits were damp with sweat.

I wasn't relieved (Aimee Light is missing) because even though no crime like this was featured in the Vintage edition of American Psycho, American Psycho, there was still a detail that bothered me. There was a suggestion in Kimball's description of something I had once come across. Immediately my eyes refocused on the footprints as Kimball's voice drifted in and out. there was still a detail that bothered me. There was a suggestion in Kimball's description of something I had once come across. Immediately my eyes refocused on the footprints as Kimball's voice drifted in and out.

". . . won't have a positive ID for at least a week . . . maybe longer . . . maybe never . . . basically a wait-and-see situation . . ."

His stoicism was supposed to be comforting, and I realized he thought he was taking away something that was ruining my life and that I should be relieved. The more he spoke-in the soft voice meant to rid me of guilt and stress-the deeper my fear increased. Because what could I tell him at this point? Kimball waited patiently after he asked what it was I had called about, and he was unrewarded by my silence. My face actually reddened when I realized I had nothing to offer him-no proof, not even a name, just a young man who resembled me. And when he saw that I had nothing to give him-that I was hiding-he retreated back into trying to process what had hit him at the Orsic Motel earlier that day. He had no questions to ask me. I had no answers to give him. A train of futile incidence had led us here-that was all. Nothing was connected anymore. And while we both fell into our respective silences my mind started widening with possibilities I couldn't share with the detective.

A boy was making a book come true. But I did not have the name of this boy.

He had been in my house. (He denied this.) He had been in Aimee Light's car. (But had you really seen him?) He was involved with a girl I was involved with.

(Bring this up. Admit the affair. Let Jayne know. Lose everything.) And he had been in a video that was made the night my father died twelve years ago.

(But don't forget: in the video he is the same age as he is now. That's the crowning detail. That's the admission that will really make this case fly. That's the thing that would be used against you.) In the end it was the fear that Kimball might view me as insane that was the most legitimate reason I had for not saying anything.

(The wind? What do you mean, the wind stopped you from searching a parking lot? What were you looking for? The car of a nonexistent student? A phantom? Someone who had the same exact car that you had driven as a teenager and was-) Another horrible feeling: I was gradually being comforted by the unreality of the situation. It made me tense, but it also disembodied me. The last day and night were so far out of the realm of anything I had experienced before that the fear was now laced with a low and tangible excitement. I could no longer deny becoming addicted to the adrenaline. The sweeps of nausea were subsiding and a terrible giddiness was taking their place. When I thought of "order" and "facts" I simply began laughing. I was living in a movie, in a novel, an idiot's dream that someone else was writing, and I was becoming amazed-dazzled-by my dissolution. If there had been explanations for all the dangling strands in this reversible world, I would have acted on them (but there could never be any explanations because explanations are boring, right?) though at this point I just wanted it all to hang in the limbo of uncertainty.

Someone has been trying to make a novel you wrote come true.

Yet isn't that what you you did when you wrote the book? did when you wrote the book?

(But you hadn't written that book) (Something else wrote that book) (And your father now wanted you to notice things) (But something else did not) (You dream a book, and sometimes the dream comes true) (When you give up life for fiction you become a character) (A writer would always be cut off from actual experience because because he was the writer he was the writer) "Mr. Ellis?"

Kimball was calling to me from someplace far away, and I faded back into the room we were both in. He was already standing and his eyes interlocked with mine as I got to my feet, but there was a distance. And then, after a few promises to keep each other posted in case anything "came up" (a term that was left so deliciously vague), I walked him to the door and then Kimball was gone.

Once I closed the door, I noticed the manila envelope next to the footprints stamped in ash, resting on the floor, an object I hadn't noticed before.

(Because it hadn't been there before, right?) My mind shrugged: anything was possible now.

I stared at it for a long time, breathing hard.

I approached it not with the casual wariness I usually felt when a student was handing me a story, but with a specific trepidation that spasmed throughout my body.

I had to force myself to swallow before picking it up.

I opened the envelope.

It was a ma.n.u.script.

It was called "Minus Numbers."

The name "Clayton" was scratched in the corner of the t.i.tle page.

I don't know how long I stood there, but suddenly I needed to talk to Kimball.

When I rushed to the window I saw the taillights of Kimball's sedan rolling down College Drive and in the distance, farther into the valley, the searchlights of an army helicopter sweeping over the deserted forest.

By now it was completely dark out.

But what was I going to tell Kimball? The paralysis returned when I realized I wanted to ask him something.

You will drive to Aimee Light's studio, which is located a half mile from the college in a series of perfunctory brick bungalows that house off-campus students and brackets a parking lot surrounded by pines. Her car will not be there. You will cruise through the parking lot, searching for it, but you will never find it (because it was driven from the Orsic Motel and dumped somewhere) and your palms will actually be sweating, which will cause your grip to slide off the steering wheel. The moon will be a mirror reflecting everything it looms over, and the smell of burning leaves will permeate the night air as you briefly reflect on a day that has pa.s.sed too quickly. You will park in her empty s.p.a.ce and get out of the Porsche and you will notice her lights are off, and the only noise will be the hooting of owls and the cries of coyotes lost in the hills of Sherman Oaks, emerging from their caves and answering one another as they lunge toward lit pools of water, and always with you everywhere will be the constant scent of the Pacific. You will walk to the door and then stop because you don't really want to open it, but after pus.h.i.+ng uselessly against it you will give up and move to a side window and you will peer through it (because you need to be so much bolder than you feel) and the computer on her desk will be the only light in the room, illuminating a stack of papers, the Marlboros she smokes, the hurricane lamp next to the mattress on the floor, the Indian rug and the worn leather chair and the CDs scattered next to an ancient boom box and the framed Diane Arbus print and the Chippendale table (the only concession to her upbringing) and piles of books stacked so high they act as a kind of wallpaper, and as you scan the empty room suddenly something will jump up on the windowsill and scowl at you and you will scream and leap back until you realize it's only her cat, pawing hungrily at the pane of gla.s.s separating you from it, and you will rush back to your car when you notice the dried blood staining its jaws, and as the cat keeps clawing at the window you will pull out of the parking lot, wanting to drive to the Orsic Motel in Stoneboat, but that's forty minutes from here and will make you late to meet Jayne for couples counseling, though, of course, by this point, that isn't the real reason. You are afraid again because it isn't time to wake up from the nightmare yet. And even if you could, you know that there are so many new ones about to begin.

What I wanted to ask Kimball was: Did you find a navel ring on the torso in that shower stall in the Orsic Motel?

17. couples counseling

When I arrived back home Jayne was in the middle of packing. The studio's Gulfstream would fly her out of Midland Airport tomorrow morning and land in Toronto sometime after ten. Marta reminded me of this while Jayne busied herself in the master bedroom, fitting clothes into various Tumi bags spread across the bed, checking each item off a list. She was saving everything she needed to say for Dr. Faheida's office. (Couples counseling always reminded me of what a terrible thing optimism was.) I took a shower and dressed and was so exhausted I doubted my ability to sit through a session-I shuddered at the energy it would take. Since these dreadful hours usually ended in tears on Jayne's part and a raging helplessness on mine, I steeled myself and didn't mention the phone call from Harrison Ford's office that I received in the parking lot in front of Aimee Light's studio, warning me that it would be in "everyone's best interests" (I noted the ominous new Hollywood-speak) if I could be there on Friday afternoon. In a zombie monotone I said I would call them back tomorrow to confirm while I stared through the winds.h.i.+eld at the swaying pine trees looming up into the darkness above where I sat in the Porsche. Another failure on my part-though any excuse to get out of the house was now acceptable to me. Was, in fact, becoming a priority. While waiting downstairs I avoided the living room and my office and didn't glance at the house as Jayne and I walked to the Range Rover parked in the driveway because I didn't want to see how much more of its exterior had peeled off.

(But maybe it had stopped. Maybe it knew that I understood already what it wanted from me.) And there was none of the casual b.i.t.c.hing in the car that usually preceded these evenings. No argument ensued because I kept focusing on my silence. Jayne knew nothing about what was going on inside the house, or that a video clip existed of my father moments before his death, or that 307 Elsinore Lane was turning itself into a house that used to exist on Valley Vista in a suburb of the San Fernando Valley called Sherman Oaks, or that a vast wind had kept me from looking for a car I'd driven as a teenager, or that a murderer was roaming Midland County because of a book I'd written or-most urgently-that a girl I desired had disappeared into the Orsic Motel in Stoneboat sometime late last night. And I suddenly thought to myself: If you wrote something and it happened, could you also write something and make it disappear?

I concentrated on the flat asphalt ribbon of the interstate so I wouldn't have to see the wind-bent palm and citrus trees that suddenly lined the roads (I imagined their trunks pus.h.i.+ng out of the dark, hard ground for my benefit only), and the windows were rolled up so the scent of the Pacific didn't seep into the car, and the radio was off so "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" or "Rocket Man" wasn't pouring from an oldies station in another state. Jayne was leaning away from me in the pa.s.senger seat, arms crossed, tugging her seat belt every so often as a reminder for me to strap myself in. She made a clicking noise with her mouth when she noticed my conscientiousness. It was taking every cell I possessed to destroy (for just this evening) all the things that had been whirling through my mind, but in the end, I was just too tired and distracted to freak out. It was time to concentrate on tonight. And because I started paying attention something eased as we walked through the parking lot. I made a joke that caused her to smile and then we shared another joke. She took my hand as we moved toward the building, and I felt hopeful as the two of us entered Dr. Faheida's office, where Jayne and I sat in black leather armchairs facing each other while Dr. Faheida (who seemed at once stirred and humbled by Jayne's stardom) perched on a wooden stool off to the side, a referee with a yellow legal pad that she would mark up and casually refer back to throughout the session. We were supposed to talk to each other, but often forgot and during the first ten minutes we usually aimed our complaints at the shrink, forgetting to not use specific p.r.o.nouns, and I always zoned out while Jayne always started (because she had so much more to contend with) and then I would hear something that would snap me out of my la.s.situde.

Tonight it was "He hasn't connected with Robby."

A pause, and then Dr. Faheida asked, "Bret?"

This was the crux of the matter, the slas.h.i.+ng detour from the numbing sameness that enveloped each hour. Very quickly I began formulating a defense with "That's not true" but was interrupted by an exasperated sound from Jayne.

"Okay . . . I want want to say that's not true because it's not to say that's not true because it's not totally totally true . . . I think we get along a little better now and . . ." true . . . I think we get along a little better now and . . ."

Dr. Faheida held up a hand to silence Jayne, who was writhing in her chair. "Let Bret speak, Jayne."

"And, I mean, Jesus, it's only been four months. It can't happen overnight." My voice was rigid with calm.

A pause. "Are you finished?" Dr. Faheida asked.

"I mean, I could say he he hasn't connected with hasn't connected with me. me." I turned to Dr. Faheida. "I can say that, right? Is that okay? That Robby hasn't tried connecting with me me?"

Dr. Faheida stroked her thin neck and nodded benevolently.

"He wasn't here when Robby was growing up," Jayne said. And I could already tell by her voice-just minutes into the session-that her rage was going to end up being defeated by sadness.

"Address Bret, Jayne."

She turned toward me, and when our eyes met I looked away.

"That's why he's just this boy to you," she said. "That's why you have no feelings for him."

"He's still growing up, Jayne," Dr. Faheida reminded her gently.

And then I had to stop my eyes from watering by saying: "But were you really there for him, Jayne? I mean, all these years, with you traveling everywhere, were you really there for him-"

"Oh G.o.d, not this s.h.i.+t again," Jayne groaned, sinking into the armchair.

"No, really. How many times have you left him when you went on location? With Marta? Or your parents? Or whoever? I mean, honey, a lot of the time he was raised by a series of faceless nannies-"

"This is exactly why I don't think counseling is helping," Jayne said to Dr. Faheida. "This is it exactly. It's all a joke. This is why it's a waste of time."

"Is this all a joke to you, Bret?" Dr. Faheida asked.

"He's never changed a diaper," Jayne said, going through her hysterical litany of how the damage we were trudging through was caused by my absence during Robby's infancy. She was actually in the middle of pointing out that I'd "never been thrown up on" when I had to cut her off. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted her guilt and anger to really start kicking in.

"I have have been vomited on, honey," I protested. "Quite often I have been vomited on. In fact there was a year sometime back there when I was vomited on continuously." been vomited on, honey," I protested. "Quite often I have been vomited on. In fact there was a year sometime back there when I was vomited on continuously."

"Vomiting on yourself yourself doesn't count!" she shouted, and then said, less desperately, to Dr. Faheida, "See-it's all a joke to him." doesn't count!" she shouted, and then said, less desperately, to Dr. Faheida, "See-it's all a joke to him."

"Bret, why do you attempt to mask real problems with irony and sarcasm?" Dr. Faheida asked.

"Because I don't know how seriously I can take all this if we're only blaming me," I said.

"No one is 'blaming' anyone," Dr. Faheida said. "I thought we all agreed that this is a term we don't use here."

"I think Jayne needs to take responsibility as well." I shrugged. "Did we or did we not finish last week's session talking about Jayne's problem? The little teensy-weensy one"-I held up two fingers, pressing them together tightly, to ill.u.s.trate-"about how she doesn't think she's worthy of respect and how that that messes up everything? Did we or did we not discuss this, Dr. Fajita?" messes up everything? Did we or did we not discuss this, Dr. Fajita?"