Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 10

MR. O'CROWLEY Now, it was with the greatest of interest that I have listened to the speeches pro and con for the prisoner and never before or since have I heard such logic and eloquence as was used in this court of justice to-day. I am nearly sure, in fact I'm certain, that since the days when Marcus Anthony delivered his matchless orations before the proud and haughty Egyptians, did such wisdom flow from the lips of any man. By the judicious application of words and logic we have learnt what uses can be made of the law of the land, and though our reason may convince us and our conscience too, that right is right and wrong is wrong, yet, the law's the law for all that, and we are Justices of the Peace and must respect the law and abide by it. Mr. Duffy has clearly proved to us how drink, especially bad and illegal drink, like poteen, can change a man from a law-abiding, self-respecting, and obedient husband into a demon and a housebreaker.

And Mr. Ca.s.sidy has also clearly proven on the other hand how that same drink can change a man from the ordinary humdrum things of life and turn his mind to n.o.ble ideals, and make of him an artist and an inspired one at that. Now science has proved to us that in every one man there are two men,--the artist, if I might be permitted to use the term, and the house-breaker. But as the two men are only one man, and the artist is the better of the two, then to the artist let us pay our respects, and dismiss the charge of house-breaking.

MRS. FENNELL (_sadly_) Ah, G.o.d help us! The town will be full of artists when the militia comes home.

MR. O'CROWLEY The charge of house-breaking then will be dismissed, but I must impose a heavy fine and sentence for using the illegal intoxicant, poteen.

MR. Ca.s.sIDY Will your Wors.h.i.+p be good enough before pa.s.sing sentence to make sure that the liquor is poteen?

MR. O'CROWLEY We have it on the testimony of the sergeant that it is poteen.

MR. Ca.s.sIDY But with all due respect to the court, we cannot convict any one on such evidence. What does the sergeant know about poteen?

SERGEANT HEALY (_indignantly_) What do I know about poteen, is it? How dare you, sir? Was there a better maker of poteen in the County Cork than my own father, rest his soul!

MR. O'CROWLEY Now, isn't that evidence enough for you? Does the sergeant look like a man who doesn't know the difference between a good and a bad drop of whiskey?

MR. Ca.s.sIDY (_sarcastically_) I beg your Wors.h.i.+p's pardon. But my client states that the evidence is insufficient, and if he should be convicted, he will bring the case before the Four Courts of Dublin.

SERGEANT HEALY He can bring it to the four courts of--Jericho, if he likes, but that stuff in the bottle is poteen all the same.

MARTIN O'FLYNN As Mr. Fennel is so dogmatic about this liquor not being poteen, why does he not tell us where and from whom he purchased it? (_To the sergeant_) Are you sure, Sergeant Healy, that this liquor is poteen?

SERGEANT HEALY As well as I remember the taste of it, your Wors.h.i.+p, it is. But perhaps 'twould be better to make sure and try again.

MARTIN O'FLYNN Try again, then.

SERGEANT HEALY Very well.

[_Pours out a little and drinks it, smacks his lips, but says nothing_.

MR. O'CROWLEY Well, Sergeant, what is it?

MARTIN O'FLYNN Is it or is it not poteen?

SERGEANT HEALY I don't get the flavor of it yet.

[_Takes another drop_.

MR. O'CROWLEY What is it, Sergeant, poteen or just bad whiskey?

SERGEANT HEALY Bedad, 'tis hard to tell. Sometimes I think 'tis poteen, and sometimes I think it isn't. But whatever it is, it isn't so good as the stuff me poor father used to brew.

Maybe the constable could tell us. He comes from Castletownballymacreedy, where they make the best poteen in Ireland.

_[Hands a gla.s.sful to the constable._

CONSTABLE O'RYAN (_after drinking_) There's not a shadow of a doubt about it being poteen, your Wors.h.i.+p, and as fine a drop as I have tasted for many a long day.

MR. O'CROWLEY Are you satisfied now, Mr. Ca.s.sidy?

MR. Ca.s.sIDY I think it would be as well to have the opinion of some one else.

MR. O'CROWLEY Constable McCarthy, let you take a toothful out of that decanter and tell us what it is.

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY Though I am a League of the Cross man, I suppose as a matter of duty I must break me pledge.

[_Pours out a gla.s.sful and drinks._

MR. O'CROWLEY Well, what is it?

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY Poteen, your Wors.h.i.+p.

MR. O'CROWLEY Now we have conclusive evidence that this liquor is poteen, and no more serious charge could be brought against any man than to be found guilty of using such obnoxious stuff by a court of justice. As with the law of nature, so with the law of the land. He who transgresses any of nature's laws gets duly punished according to the nature of his offence. And so also with the law of the country. Mr. Fennell must be punished, and his punishment must serve as an example to others and--

MR. Ca.s.sIDY I beg your Wors.h.i.+p's pardon. We do not always get punished for disobeying the laws of nature. Nature's strongest force is self-a.s.sertion, and excessive self-a.s.sertion is vanity, and vanity is sinful, and--

MARTIN O'FLYNN You must excuse me interrupting you, Mr. Ca.s.sidy, but that train of argument cannot be followed here.

We have proved that poteen was found in the prisoner's house, and if he did not make it himself, where then did he get it from?

MR. Ca.s.sIDY Mr. Fennel emphatically denies having anything to do with the making of the liquor found on his premises.

And so far it has not been proved to either his or my satisfaction that the intoxicant is poteen.

MR. O'CROWLEY Does your client mean for a moment to cast a reflection on the police of this town, and insinuate that they don't know what poteen is?

MR. Ca.s.sIDY We are not satisfied with the decision of the police, your Wors.h.i.+p.

MR. O'CROWLEY Very well then, we'll give it a further test.

[_Gives the decanter to the clerk, Peter Dwyer._

PETER DWYER (_after tasting it_) If that's not poteen, may I never wet my lips with it again.

MR. O'CROWLEY (to _Mr. Ca.s.sidy_) Perhaps you are satisfied now.

MR. Ca.s.sIDY No, I am not.

MARTIN O'FLYNN Well, taste it yourself and tell us what it is.

MR. Ca.s.sIDY (_tastes it_) Whatever it is, it is not poteen.

MARTIN O'FLYNN (_pours out some in a gla.s.s_) I'll soon settle the question. (_Drinks_) That's poteen, and good poteen too.

MR. Ca.s.sIDY I beg to disagree with your Wors.h.i.+p.

MARTIN O'FLYNN How dare you disagree with me, sir, and I drinking poteen every day of my life. I'd resign my seat on the Bench rather than suffer to be insulted in such a manner again.

MR. Ca.s.sIDY I apologise. Nothing could be further from my thought than offence.