Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 14

FALVEY Lookin' for work.

DEVLIN An' that itself is the worst kind of hards.h.i.+p. I don't think that there's much doin' these times for the natives, not to mention the strangers, though 'tis the strangers get the pickings wherever they go.

We'll have a look at the newspaper and see what's doin' anyway. (_Reads from the advertis.e.m.e.nt columns_) "Wanted a respectable man, to act as a coachman to His Lords.h.i.+p the Bishop. He must have a good appearance, have sober habits, and a knowledge of horses and the ways of the clergy."

That won't do.

"Wanted, a young man of das.h.i.+ng appearance, with a good vocabulary to act as travelling salesman, must be well recommended, and have a thorough knowledge of the dry goods business."

That won't do either.

"Wanted, a middle-aged man to act as companion to an invalid. He must have a knowledge of French and German, and be able to play the violin."

That won't do.

"Wanted a man to make himself generally useful at an undertaker's establishment. Apply to Michael Ca.s.sily. William O'Brien St."

Bedad, but that's the very job for you.

FALVEY But how am I to get it?

DEVLIN I'll give you a letter of introduction to Micky Ca.s.sily.

He's an old friend of mine.

FALVEY Sure, that would be a great thing entirely.

DEVLIN Wait now, and I'll make a man of you, and if you should ever become Lord Mayor of Cork or Dublin, you must not forget me.

FALVEY Indeed, I'll never be able to forget this blessed day, and the kindness of the people I have met in Castlemorgan.

[_Knocks for the publican, and walks up and down; when the publican enters, he a.s.sumes an air of great importance._

DRISCOLL What's the matter?

DEVLIN I want you to oblige me with a few sheets of note paper, a bottle of ink, and a writin' pen.

DRISCOLL And what do you want them for?

DEVLIN To write a letter of introduction for this poor man here. He's lookin' for work, and I want to help him to get it.

DRISCOLL Then I'll give them to you with pleasure.

[_Exit._

DEVLIN You needn't worry any more. I'll get a job for you.

Micky and myself are old friends. He buried my father and mother and all belongin' to me. And although I do say it myself, there isn't a better undertaker from here to Dublin. He's as good a judge of a dead man as any one you ever met, and could measure the size of a coffin without using the tape at all.

[_Enter Driscoll._

DRISCOLL (_as he places writing materials on the table_) Here's the writing material, and may good luck attend you.

DEVLIN Thank you, very much. (_To Falvey_) Now to business.

[_They both sit at the table, and Devlin commences to write._

Deadwoman's Hill, Goulnaspurra.

Dear Mr. Ca.s.sily:

I have the hon--how's that you spell honour?--h-o-n-n-o-u-r, of course. Yes, that's right. I have the honour, and likewise the _(pauses)_ unprecedented--that's not an easy word to spell--u-n-p-r-ee-s-c-ee-d-e-n-t-e-d--that wasn't such a hard word after all, and it looks fine in print _(repeats)_ unprecedented and the great pleasure--that spells p-l-e-a-s-u-r--of introducing, that's a stumbler of a word,--i-n-t-r-d--_(to Falvey)_ Can you spell the rest of it?

FALVEY i-n-t-e-r-w-e-i-n--

DEVLIN No. That's not right. We had better call Bill Driscoll. Are you there, Bill?

[_Enter Driscoll._

DRISCOLL What's the matter?

DEVLIN We want you to spell "introducing."

DRISCOLL (_wiping a pint measure_) With pleasure. _(Confidently)_ i-n-t-u-r-d-e-w-c-i-n-g.

DEVLIN Are you sure that is right?

DRISCOLL Of course I am. What do you think I went to school for?

DEVLIN Very well, I'll take your word for it. But stay here awhile, because we may want your a.s.sistance soon again. This is an important matter, and we must give all our attention to it. I have the honor and likewise the unprecedented and the great pleasure of introducing to you a cousin of my own on my mother's side, one Barney Falvey. He is a man of many and n-e-w-m-e-r-o-w-s. _(To Driscoll)_ Isn't that right?

DRISCOLL That's all right. Proceed.

DEVLIN --numerous a-c-o-m-p-l-i-s-h-m-e-n-t-s. That sounds wrong, doesn't it?

DRISCOLL It sounds wrong, but let it go. No one will ever notice the mistake, when we can't find it out ourselves.

DEVLIN He has an i-n-g-a-n-o-s turn of mind, and can do all kinds of hard or easy work. He can p-l-o-w a field, milk a cow, mind childer, and make nearly every thing from a bird cage, a mousetrap, or a snuff box, to a coffin. He is w-i-l-i-n, o-b-l-i-g-i-n, and can put up with all kinds of abuse. He can look i-n-o-s-c-e-n-t or guilty, as the occasion may require and will, I'm sure, and certain, taking his accomplishments all round, prove to be the very man you are lookin' for to fill the v-a-k-a-n-c-y in your highly respected e-s-t-a-b-1-i-shment. Anythin' you can do for him will be considered a personal f-a-v-o-u-r by your old and e-s-t-e-a-m-ed friend,

Garret Devlin.

_[He reads it over again aloud_.

"Deadwoman's Hill, Goulnaspurra.

"Dear Mr. Ca.s.sily:

"I have the honour and likewise the unprecedented and great pleasure of introducin' to you a cousin of my own on my mother's side, one Barney Falvey. He is a man of many parts and numerous accomplishments.

He has an ingenious turn of mind and can do all kinds of hard and easy work. He can plow a field, milk a cow, mind childer, and make nearly everythin'

from a bird cage, a mousetrap, or a snuff box, to a coffin. He is willin' and obligin' and can put up with all kinds of abuse. He can look innocent or guilty as the occasion may require, and will, I am certain and confident, taking his accomplishments all round, prove to be the very man you are lookin' for to fill the vacancy in your highly respected establishment.

Anythin' that you can do for him will be considered a personal favour by your old and esteemed friend,

"Garret Devlin."

That's a great letter. Be G.o.d, sure 'twould nearly get the job for myself. But it would never do for one of my social standin' to take such a position in this town.

FALVEY 'Tis a great thing to be able to put so many words together on paper. And 'tis the wonderful gift to have surely. A man that could write like you should be a secretary to the Lord Lieutenant himself, or writin' sermons for the Pope of Rome.