Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 17

DONAL Who the devil would die and leave me anything?

when I have no one belongin' to me but poor relations.

Bad luck to them, and they only waitin' for myself to die, so that they could have what I worked and slaved for all those long and weary years. But 'tisn't much there will be for any one after Kitty gets her dowry. What's left will be little enough for ourselves, I'm thinkin'.

MRS. CORCORAN But what have you seen in the newspaper?

DONAL (_reads_) Baronetcy for the chairman of the Innismore Board of Guardians. His Majesty the King has been pleased to confer a Royal favour on the worthy and exemplary Denis Delahunty, who in future will be known as Sir Denis Delahunty, Bart., in recognition of his services to the people of Innismore. It was with a feelin' of pride and admiration that--

MRS. CORCORAN (_as she drops the stocking on the floor, lifts the spectacles from her nose, and places them on her brow_) The Lord protect and save us all! Is it the truth, I wonder?

DONAL (_handing paper_) See for yourself, woman.

MRS. CORCORAN (_grabs the paper and scans it with interest_) Sure enough, there it is, then, with five lines of large black letters and two columns of small letters besides, and his photograph as well. (_To Kitty_) Look Kitty, darlin', look. There 'tis all. Sit down and read it aloud for us. 'Twill sound better that way.

KITTY (_takes the paper and smiles. Falls on a chair nearly overcome with laughter. The parents look on in amazement_) Sir Denis Delahunty! (_Laughs heartily_)

DONAL What are you laughin' at? You impudent hussy!

KITTY (_still laughing_) Sir Denis Delahunty, Bart., my dear!

DONAL Yes, yes, Sir Denis Delahunty. And what about it?

KITTY Dinny Delahunty, the old caubogue, a baronet, and no less! (_Laughs_)

DONAL I'll have no more of this laughin', I say. What at all, are you amused at, I'd like to know?

KITTY Oh, father, sure 'tis a blessing that some one has a sense of humour, like myself and the King. And 'twas the great laugh he must have had to himself, when he made a baronet of Dinny Delahunty. Not to mention all the other shoneens and huxters, from here to Bantry.

DONAL How dare you speak to me like that, miss, when 'tis yourself that will be Lady Delahunty one of these fine days. Dinny, I mean, Sir Denis himself, is comin' here to-night to make a match with his son, Finbarr.

KITTY Wisha, indeed, now! And who told you I am going to wed Finbarr Delahunty? And he a more miserable shoneen than his old crawthumping humbug of a father.

DONAL If you'll speak as disrespectfully as that again about any of my friends you'll be sorry for it. 'Tis I'm tellin' you that you are to wed Finbarr Delahunty and that's information enough for you, my damsel.

KITTY I'll spare you the trouble of picking a man for me, father.

MRS. CORCORAN Don't be disobedient, Kitty. You must remember that I never laid eyes on your father until the mornin'

I met him at the altar rails.

KITTY You should be ashamed to acknowledge the like, mother.

DONAL Ashamed of me, is it? The father that rared and schooled you!

KITTY I have said nothing at all to offend you, father. But I have already told you that I am going to pick a husband for myself.

DONAL You are goin' to pick a husband for yourself! Are you, indeed? Ah, sure 'tis the stubbornness of your mother's people that's in you.

MRS. CORCORAN (_as she keeps knitting_) And her father's, too.

DONAL What's that you're saying, woman?

MRS. CORCORAN I said that 'twas from your side of the family that she brought the stubbornness.

DONAL How dare you say that, and in my presence, too?

The devil blast the one belongin' to me was ever stubborn. She's her mother's daughter, I'm tellin'

you.

MRS. CORCORAN Whatever is gentle in her comes from me, and what's stubborn and contrary comes from you and yours.

DONAL (_in a rage_) G.o.d be praised and glorified! What's gentle in her, will you tell me? She that pleases herself in everythin'.

(_To Kitty_) I'll knock the stubbornness out of you, my young lady, before we will have another full moon.

MRS. CORCORAN Indeed and you won't, then, nor in ten full moons, either.

DONAL (_as he walks up and down the kitchen_) Woman! woman! woman! You are all alike! Every d.a.m.n one of you, from the Queen to the c.o.c.kle picker.

KITTY You have no right to marry me to any one against my will.

DONAL And is it the way I'd be leavin' you marry some good-for-nothing idle jackeen, who couldn't buy a ha'porth of bird seed for a linnet or a finch, let alone to keep a wife? That's what a contrary, headstrong, uncontrollable whipster like you would do, if you had your own way. But, be G.o.d, you will have little of your own way while I am here and above ground.

KITTY If stubbornness was a virtue, you'd be a saint, father, and they'd have your picture in all the stained gla.s.s windows in every church in the country, like St.

Patrick or St. Columkille, himself.

MRS. CORCORAN (_laughs at Kitty's answer_) Well, well, well, to be sure! You are your father's daughter, Kitty.

DONAL She's the devil's daughter, I'm thinkin'.

[_A loud knocking is heard at the door. Kitty opens it and Denis Delahunty enters. He is dressed in a new frock coat and top hat_.

MRS. CORCORAN AND DONAL (_as he enters_) Welcome, Sir Denis, welcome. (_They both shake hands with him_) Our heartiest congratulations, and warmest respects.

DONAL (_pointing to his own chair_) Take my own chair, the best in the house, that I wouldn't offer to the Bishop or the Lord Lieutenant himself, if either of them called to see me.

[_Sir Denis sits down, but forgets to remove his hat, which is much too small, and tilted to one side. When Kitty sees the strange figure he cuts, she laughs outright, at which her father gets very angry_.

DONAL (_to Kitty_) What are you laughin' at? You brazen creature!

KITTY (_laughing_) Sir Denis has on some one else's tall hat.

SIR DENIS (_looks very bored, removes the hat and says rather sadly_) You are mistaken, my child. Badly mistaken! 'Tis my own hat. 'Twas the only one in the town that I could get that came near fittin' me, and herself, I mean Lady Delahunty, wouldn't leave me out without it.

KITTY I hope that you feel more comfortable than you look, Sir Denis.

SIR DENIS To tell the truth, Kitty, I don't know whether 'tis on my head or my heels I'm standin'. The devil a one of me was ever aware that His Majesty the King knew or thought so much about me. If I was only made a mere knight inself, it wouldn't be so bad; but think of bein' made a whole baronet all of a sudden like that, and not knowin' a bit about it beforehand.

DONAL You are the lucky man, Sir Denis, but don't know it.

SIR DENIS I suppose I am, Donal. At one stroke of his sword, so to speak, the King of, well, we might say of half the whole world, put an unbridgeable gulf between herself, I mean Lady Delahunty, and myself, and the common people forever and forever!

KITTY (_laughing_) May the Lord forgive him.