Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 19

DONAL I'll put a padlock on that mouth of yours, if you don't hold your tongue.

LADY DELAHUNTY Well, as I was sayin', when His Majesty so graciously honoured Sir Dinny and myself, we held a long and lengthy consultation and came to the conclusion after a good deal of consideration, that it might be as well not to hurry Finbarr's marriage. We were thinkin'

of sendin' him across to England to finish his education: so that he may be able to take his place with the foreign aristocracy.

SIR DENIS Of course, we all know that there is no better hurler in the whole country, and no finer man ever cracked a whip, and no better man ever stood behind a plough, or turned cows out of a meadow, but the devil a bit at all he knows about the higher accomplishments of the n.o.bility.

LADY DELAHUNTY Such as playin' cricket and polo, and drinkin' afternoon tea with a napkin on his knee, like one of the gentry themselves. And between ourselves, he cares no more about cigarettes than his father does about cigars.

SIR DENIS Notwithstanding all that, 'tis my belief that after six months in England, he would be fit company for the best people in the land.

DONAL What the blazes does he want learnin' to play polo for, when he must make his livin' as a farmer?

LADY DELAHUNTY Listen now, Donal, and be reasonable. When--

DONAL Is it the way you want to break off the match? The truth now, and nothin' else.

LADY DELAHUNTY Of course, we don't want the match to be broken off.

But now that Finbarr is heir to a t.i.tle--well, we all know that Kitty is a very nice and good girl; but as Sir Denis says: "'Tis a pity that we should force people to marry against their will, and--"

DONAL The long and short of it is that my daughter isn't good enough for your d.a.m.n, flat-footed clodhopper of a son. Though 'twas Dinny himself that forced the match on me.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_indignantly_) Sir Denis, if you please.

SIR DENIS Donal, Donal, be reasonable and agreeable, man.

You should know that people are never the same after royal favours have been conferred on them. And though I am perfectly satisfied with myself and my social standin', such as it is, yet, as you know, we must look to the future of our children.

DONAL Well, of all the old mollycoddlin' bladderskites that ever I listened to, you beat them all.

SIR DENIS Restrain yourself, Donal, and leave me finish. Well, I was about to say, when you interrupted, that when Finbarr has learnt how to behave like a real gentleman, and can hold a cup of afternoon tea on his knee without spillin' it all over himself, then he may aspire to higher things, and want a wife who can play the violin as well as the piano, and speak all the languages in the world also.

DONAL Wisha bad luck and misfortune to your blasted impudence, to cast a reflection on my daughter, and she that can play twenty-one tunes on the piano, all by herself and from the music too. And she can play the typewriter as well, and that's more than any one belongin' to you can do. 'Tis well you know there's no more music in the Delahunty family than there would be in an old cow or a mangy jacka.s.s that you'd find grazin' by the roadside.

KITTY Tell him all I know about Irish, French, and German too, father.

DONAL The next thing I will tell him is to take himself and his b.l.o.o.d.y tall hat out of my house and never show his face here again.

LADY DELAHUNTY I'm surprised at you to speak like that to Sir Denis.

DONAL Sir Denis be d.a.m.ned, ma'am.

SIR DENIS (_as he rises to go and requests Lady Delahunty to do likewise_) Lady Delahunty, if you please.

[_A loud knocking is heard at the door. Kitty opens and Constable Dunlea enters. As he stands by the door, he takes a letter from his pocket._

CONSTABLE (_to Sir Denis_) This is a message for you, sir, from the editor of the _Examiner_. The postman couldn't find you at home and asked me to deliver it, as he knew I was coming here to-night.

[_Sir Denis excitedly opens the letter and Lady Delahunty looks on with apparent satisfaction, as she thinks it is a personal letter of congratulation for Sir Denis.

Sir Denis borrows Mrs. Corcoran's spectacles and reads the letter hurriedly and looks very crestfallen._

LADY DELAHUNTY (_with a look of surprise_) What's the matter, Sir Denis?

SIR DENIS What isn't the matter would be a better question.

'Twas a mistake, Anastatia, a sad and sorry mistake!

LADY DELAHUNTY What's a mistake?

SIR DENIS Ourselves! I mean we weren't knighted at all. The editor of the _Examiner_ sends his personal regrets and apology for printin' an unofficial telegram that was sent by some malicious person about myself being created a baronet.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_grabs the letter and spectacles. Adjusts the spectacles on her nose and reads. Swoons and falls into Sir Denis's arms_) The saints protect us all! 'Tis the truth, surely!

MRS. CORCORAN (_gets a gla.s.s of water and gives it to Lady Delahunty_) Here, now, take this, and you will be soon all right again.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_as she recovers, turns to Kitty_) I suppose 'twas at your instigation that all this happened.

You impudent, prevaricatin', philanderin'

galavanter. Now we will be the laughin' stock of the whole country. If Sir Denis--

DONAL Plain Denis, if you please, ma'am.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_to her husband_) If you had only the good sense of refusin' the t.i.tle itself, but--

SIR DENIS We'll never be able to live down the shame and disgrace of it, Lady Delahunty.

DONAL Plain Statia Delahunty, if you please.

LADY DELAHUNTY (_to Kitty_) If you were worth the weight of yourself in gold and could sing like a lark, I wouldn't give Finbarr to you now.

KITTY I never asked for him, ma'am. I told you all that I would marry only my own man, and here he is.

(_Calls Constable Dunlea to her side and takes his arm_) We are to be married next month, and then what need I care about t.i.tles or the aristocracy when I will have himself to support and protect me while he lives, and his pension if he should die, and the law of the land at my back all the time.

CURTAIN

RETRIBUTION

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

CHARACTERS

PATCHA CREMIN (_nicknamed_ NAPOLEON) _A carpenter_ NEDSERS BROPHY (_nicknamed_ BOULANGER) _A mason_ DANNUX TOUHY (_nicknamed_ THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON) _A mason_ MRS. FENNESSEY _A lodging-house keeper_