Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 2

HEAD 'Tis all right, ma'am. I can lose things meself. (_Looks carefully around_) 'Tis a lonesome thing to see the house so empty.

MRS. COTTER 'Tis Sunday night, Head.

HEAD Of course, of course! All the same I'd prefer to see it full--of bona-fide travellers, I mean.

MRS. COTTER Thank ye, Head. How's Mrs. Mulligan an' the childer?

HEAD Wisha, purty fair. How's the world usin' yourself?

MRS. COTTER Only for the rheumatics I'd have no cause to grumble.

HEAD 'Tis well to be alive at all these times. An' Ballyferris isn't the best place to keep any one alive in winter time.

MRS. COTTER Or summer time ayther. Whin the weather is good trade is bad.

HEAD That's always the way in this world. We're no sooner, out o' one trouble before another commences. I always admire the way you bear your troubles, though, Mrs. Cotter.

MRS. COTTER I does me best, Head.

HEAD Just like meself! Just like meself! The Government makes laws an' I must see that they're not broken.

(_Rubbing his hands together_) 'Tis a cold night, an' no doubt about it.

MRS. COTTER Bad weather is due to us now.

HEAD Everythin' bad is due to some of us. Only for that shark of an Inspector 'tis little trouble I'd be givin'

a dacent woman like yourself a night like this.

MRS. COTTER He's very strict, I hear.

HEAD He's strict, disagreeable, a Protestant, a teetotaler, an' a Cromwellian to boot!

MRS. COTTER The Lord protect us! 'Tis a wonder you're alive at all!

HEAD Wisha, I'm only half alive. The cold never agrees with me. (_Looking at fire_) That's not a very dangerous fire, an' I'm as cold as a s...o...b..ll.

MRS. COTTER (_with her back to the door behind which Padna and Micus are hiding_) There's a fine fire up-stairs in the sittin'-room.

HEAD (_draws a chair and sits down_) Thank ye, ma'am, but 'tisn't worth me while goin'

up-stairs. As I said before, I wouldn't trouble you at all only for the Inspector, an' like Nelson, he expects every one to do their duty.

MRS. COTTER 'Tis a hard world.

HEAD An' a cold world too. I often feels cold on a summer day.

MRS. COTTER That's too bad! Is there no cure for it?

HEAD They say there's a cure for everything.

MRS. COTTER I wonder if ye took a drop o' "Wise's" ten-year-old!

It might help to warm ye, if ye sat be the fire up-stairs.

HEAD (_brightening up_) Now, 'pon me word, but that's strange! I was just thinkin' o' the same thing meself. That's what's called telepattery or thought transference.

MRS. COTTER Tella--what, Head?

HEAD (_with confidence_) Telepattery, ma'am. 'Tis like this: I might be in America--

MRS. COTTER I wish you were--

HEAD (_with a look of surprise_) What's that, ma'am?

MRS. COTTER I wish for your own sake that you were in a country where you would get better paid for your work.

HEAD (_satisfied_) Thank ye, ma'am. I suppose min like meself must wait till we go to the other world to get our reward.

MRS. COTTER Very likely!

HEAD Well, as I was sayin', I might be in America, or New York, Boston, Chicago, or any o' thim foreign places, an' you might be in this very house, or up in your sister's house, or takin' a walk down the town, an'

I'd think o' some thought, an' at that very second you'd think o' the same thought, an' nayther of us would know that we were both thinkin' o' the same thing. That's tellepattery, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER 'Tis a surprisin' thing, surely! Is it hot or cold you'll have the whiskey, Head?

HEAD Cold, if ye please.

[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up and down whistling some popular air. Enter Mrs.

Cotter._

MRS. COTTER Will I bring it up-stairs for you?

HEAD Indeed, I'm givin' you too much trouble as it is. I'll try an' take it where I am. (_Takes gla.s.s and tastes_) That is good stuff.

MRS. COTTER I'm glad you like it.

HEAD Who wouldn't like it?

MRS. COTTER I don't know the taste of it.

HEAD (_as he finishes contents of gla.s.s_) May ye be always so, though there's nothin' like it all the same. (_Handing coin_) I think I'll have a little drop from meself this time.

MRS. COTTER (_as she takes the money_) Will I bring it up-stairs?

HEAD Erra, don't bother! I'm beginnin' to feel meself again.

[_Fills his pipe until she returns_.

MRS. COTTER (_entering and handing drink_) Did you bring your overcoat with you, Head?

HEAD Why so, ma'am?