Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 8

_the contents of each into one and drinks it before Mrs.

Cotter returns. Enter Mrs. Cotter._

MRS. COTTER Oh, Head, you won't be hard on a lone widow, will ye? Don't prosecute thim poor min. Sure, they have done no more harm than y'erselves.

HEAD _(as he stands at door)_ Mrs. Cotter, ma'am! I'm surprised at you.

MRS. COTTER For what, Head?

HEAD To think that you'd dare attempt to interfere with me in the discharge o' me duty!

MRS. COTTER DUTY!

CURTAIN

JURISPRUDENCE

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

CHARACTERS

MARTIN O'FLYNN _A Resident Magistrate_ CORNELIUS JOHN MICHAEL O'CROWLEY _A New Justice of the Peace_ PHELAN DUFFY _A Barrister-at-Law_ BRENNAN Ca.s.sIDY _A Solicitor_ PETER DWYER _Clerk of the Petty Sessions Court_ RICHARD FENNELL MARGARET FENNELL _Wife of Richard Fennell_ SERGEANT HEALY _A Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_ CONSTABLE O'RYAN _A Member of the R.I.C_.

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY _A Member of the R.I.C_.

JURISPRUDENCE

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT

_Scene: Room in courthouse at Ballybraggan. Magistrates and clerk of court seated on the Bench. Barristers, townspeople, and police in body of the court_.

MARTIN O'FLYNN _(rises and wipes his brow with a red handkerchief_) Members of the Munster Bar, Members of the Royal Irish Constabulary, and--gentlemen (_pauses_), and ladies also, before the Court opens for the dispensation of justice, I would like to say a few short words about a matter that concerns not only ourselves here present, and the town of Ballybraggan in particular, but everybody alive to their own interests and the whole world in general. We have with us to-day one who is no stranger to the people of this historic town, and it is with feelings of the highest regard that I stand before you in my privileged capacity as resident magistrate to perform what seems to me to be the most pleasing and likewise the most joyous of duties that could fall to the lot of any man, whether he might come from where the waves of the tumultuous Pacific wash the sh.o.r.es of the great Western world or from the town of Mallow itself. And that is to have the honor and glorification of introducing to you our new and worthy magistrate, Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley. (_Applause_) Far be it from me indeed to flatter any man, but there are times when we must tell the truth. (_Applause_) And when I say that there is no one more humble for a man of his achievements from here to Honolulu than Mr. O'Crowley himself, I am only telling the truth in a plain and unadorned form. Every effort put forth by Mr. O'Crowley for the welfare of mankind has been characterised by success, and what greater proof of his ability could we have than the fact that he is one of the largest wine merchants and hotel proprietors in the length and breadth of Munster?

Indeed, if Mr. O'Crowley wasn't fully qualified for upholding and sustaining the dignity of the coveted t.i.tle, Justice of the Peace, His Excellency the Lord Lieutenant, who is both a scholar, a gentleman, and a Scotchman to boot, would not be so pleased and delighted to confer on him an honor only worthy of a man of his attainments, sentiments, and quality of character. _(Applause)_

PHELAN DUFFY On behalf of the legal profession of which I have the honor of being the oldest member, I am not only desirous but extremely overjoyed to have the golden opportunity of congratulating our worthy townsman Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley on the great distinction that has befallen him. We all have heard of that Englishman who said one time, with all the cleverness of an Irishman and a native of Ballybraggan at that: "Some are born great, others acquire greatness, and more have greatness thrust upon them."

Now to say that Mr. O'Crowley had greatness thrust upon him would not be a fact, and whether or not he was born great we don't know, but one thing is certain, and that is, he has acquired greatness.

And when I say so, I wish it to be distinctly understood that I am not talking idly or glibly, but with all the sincerity of my heart. With the same sincerity that has characterised all my actions since I was first called to the Bar, and made of me what I am to-day. With the same sincerity that characterises every successful member of the legal profession, be he Irish, Scotch, or American. Let critics say what they will, but the fact remains that success is the best answer to adverse criticism. A man's true worth may not always be appreciated in a cold and heartless world like ours, but there will ever be found a few who can always sympathise with us in our sorrows and rejoice with us in our triumphs. And Mr. O'Crowley has the rare gift which enables him to do both. (_Applause_) He is a man of large and n.o.ble ideals, of sterling qualities and knows human nature in all its many phases. He knows the wants of the people and what's more, he knows how to satisfy them.

He would not allow any man's light to be hidden under a bushel, so to speak, and why should we allow the bushel to bide his? (_Applause_) Let credit be given where credit is due, was ever his motto. And only one month has elapsed since he said to me, after defending his own brother on a breach of the Sunday Closing Act in this very courthouse, "My heartiest thanks and warmest congratulations for your splendid victory. There isn't another man in the whole country, not even Tim Healy himself, who could win that case."

SERGEANT HEALY On behalf of the Royal Irish Constabulary, I wish to be a.s.sociated with the hearty and unanimous welcome extended to Mr. O'Crowley, whom I have known since the first night I came to the town. And my only regret is that I did not know him before, because men with his rare traits of character are not to be met with every day. His genial and kindly disposition has endeared him to us all. His doors are never closed on either Sat.u.r.day, Sunday, Christmas Day, or any other day. Friend or foe, stranger or native of Ballybraggan, are all the same to Mr. O'Crowley. Each and every one is received with the same hearty welcome.

He is a man whom we think of in our hours of suffering, whether it be on the scorching heat of a summer's day or the blighting cold of a winter's night. It is my earnest wish, and I am sure that I am only expressing the sentiments of the whole of Munster, that the success which has attended Mr. O'Crowley in all the ventures of his useful life will be doubled in his capacity as Justice of the Peace. (_Applause_)

PETER DWYER In all the long years that I have acted as clerk of this court, I never felt more pleased at the coming of a new magistrate than when I heard of the discretion of His Excellency in selecting Mr. O'Crowley for this most exalted position. All that I might say in my congratulations and welcome has already been said, and I can only concur in the good wishes that have been offered, and though a lot more might have been said of one so praiseworthy, I know that Mr.

O'Crowley will understand, it is not that we like him less but that we respect him more. Mr.

O'Crowley is a man who is above pride and does not want the walls of Rome or the stones of the Munster roads to know what he does for mankind. So I will now conclude by wis.h.i.+ng him all the success that he deserves, in the future and hereafter.

MR. C. J. M. O'CROWLEY Brother magistrates, members of the Bar, members of the Royal Irish Constabulary, and gentlemen: From the bottom of my heart I thank you for all the high compliments you have paid me this day, and I only hope that I will be long spared to be a source of comfort and consolation to the men and women of Ballybraggan.

I know, of course, that I am not a pararagom of perfection, but I have the wonderful satisfaction of knowing that I have been appreciated in my own time, and that's more than some of the world's best poets, philosophers, and other servants of mankind could have said. The superdalliance of some and the pomposity and congential insufficiency of others have always been a warning to me, and when opportunity sallied forth from her hiding place I never failed to recognise her queenly presence and extend a _cead-mile-failte,_ and make of her my own, so to speak.

Such was the way of Wellington and his contemporary Hannibal, and such must be the way of every man who must serve his country and himself. And believe me, much as the people of Ballybraggan think about me, I think every bit as much about them. It is hardly necessary for me to say that we only get what we deserve in this world, and sometimes a little more or a little less as the case may be. The desirable propensities of the people of the town have endeared me to them with a spirit as strong as that which makes the ivy cling to the oak, and as we see the ivy fondly clinging to that monarch of trees, whether it sprouts its green leaves in the glorious suns.h.i.+ne or falls to the ground with decay, so will I cling to the people of Ballybraggan. Once again, I thank you, but in conclusion I must say that I will do all in my power to prove worthy of the reliance and confidence placed in me. (_Applause_)

PETER DWYER The court is now open for the dispensation of justice.

The only case before us to-day is one of house-breaking, drunkenness from excessive use of poteen, which is an illegal drink, and resisting arrest by the police.

The charge is laid against one Richard Fennell, and cross-summonses have been issued to Mr. and Mrs.

Fennell.

PHELAN DUFFY On behalf of my client, Mrs. Fennell, I wish to impress upon the Bench the gravity of the offence with which the accused Richard Fennell is charged, namely, drunkenness from excessive use of an illegal intoxicant known as poteen, house-breaking, terrorizing and almost paralyzing with fear his highly strung and sensitive wife, and adding insult to injury in resisting arrest by his Majesty's guardian of law and order, Sergeant Healy. These are grave charges indeed, and who will gainsay that a man gifted with the spirit of destruction like Mr. Fennell is a menace to the peace-abiding town of Ballybraggan? Not since the heartless barbarians made their ruthless descent upon the Roman Empire was there such havoc wrought in any one house, or did any individual member of society suffer so much from nervous prostration as Mrs.

Fennell.

MR. FENNELL (_interrupting_) Can't a man dust his own furniture and chastise his own wife if he feels like doing so?

MR. O'CROWLEY Order! order! There must be no interruptions in this court of justice.

PHELAN DUFFY _(continuing)_ You can well imagine how poor Mrs. Fennell thought that the end of the world was coming when she saw every bit of ware on the kitchen dresser smashed in pieces no larger than threepenny bits on the floor.

And the alarm clock that woke Mr. Fennell every morning and reminded him that it was time to get up and make his wife's breakfast, which she always got in bed, struck dumb for ever with its works battered beyond recognition. Think of this poor woman's feelings at such an awful moment.

MR. FENNELL (_interrupting_) Feelings! She has no more feelings than a tombstone.

PHELAN DUFFY (_continuing_) Think of this decent, self-respecting, loving wife and mother, who has had no less than three husbands.

MRS. FENNELL (_interrupting_) An' I'll have another too, please G.o.d!

PHELAN DUFFY Think, I say, of three husbands, and ten children.

Six resting in the little churchyard at Ennisbeg, and four resting in the Royal Irish Constabulary. That Mr. Fennell was what we would call a model husband, before he touched this poteen goes without saying.

Everything that his wife told him to do was done, and done to her satisfaction, and done whether he liked the doing of it or no.

MRS. FENNELL (_interrupting_) I always made my husbands do what they were told.

PHELAN DUFFY Mr. Fennell is no doubt guilty of a serious offence, but whoever sold him the base liquor is far more guilty in the eyes of the law, as well as the public.

Needless to state, this fact does not in any way lessen the gravity of Mr. Fennell's offence, and I would ask the Bench not to allow any feelings of sentiment to interfere with the discharge of their duty. I would ask that the severest penalty allowed be inflicted on the accused for his unwarranted, unmanly, and blackguardly conduct.

MRS. FENNELL (_to Phelan Duffy_) Wisha, bad luck to your impudence to call my husband a bla'gard. A dacent man that never went to the likes of you or any one else for anything.

MR. O'CROWLEY Order, order.