Between The Realms Part 4

I looked at him like he was stupid. "The dragon, duh."

He laughed bitterly. "Well, I hate to disappoint you, but they do not come out of the earth. They come from the sky. And surely, spotting his ankles will do you no good in any case."

"Ankles? What are you talking about?"

"You are searching for a dragon by looking at the ground. I a.s.sumed you were either hoping for a subterranean monster to appear or to catch a glimpse of the winged dragon's feet."

I frowned. This guy was making no sense at all. "Whatever. Can you just show me how to get into the void and how to get my roommate out of that ... noose he's trapped in?"

"I wish I could. I am not witch, however. I suggest you run."

"Run?!" My words came out sounding strangled.

"Yes, run. The dragon is coming." He stood there, totally not freaking out, waiting for me to react.

My feet were rooted to the spot, even while the smell of sulfur started to burn my nose. "Is this a sick joke? Are you going to chase me and eat me now?"

A loud screeching roar rent the air around us, causing me to almost pee my pants.

"Holy f.u.c.kstick, what was that?" I whisper-yelled, ducking down a little and scanning the air above us.

"No, I am not considering chasing you or eating you for that matter, but perhaps the dragon is. He does not sound happy." The demon-Spike looked up, concern marring his features.

"Jayne, you have to get me out of this!" yelled Tim. "I'm a sitting duck! I'm gonna get fried like a moth in a bug zapper! Help me!"

I stepped towards the spot where Tim was hanging. As my foot pa.s.sed over some invisible line, I could feel something, a tendril of power, touch my ankle. I jerked it back, breathing so heavily I was panting now. "I can't! It's spelled!"

"Do something, Jayne!" he shrieked. "Use The Green! Offer it your virgin sacrifice! Flash it your b.o.o.bs! Something! Anything!"

"What is it with the b.o.o.b-flas.h.i.+ng, Tim?! My b.o.o.bs are not going to help either of us!"

Tim was crying hysterically now, yammering almost incoherently. "b.o.o.bs schmoobs. You guard 'em like they're the holy grail. Maybe exposing them will cause a cataclysmic event! Maybe they'll save my life! You never know! b.o.o.bs! Green power!! I'm trapped!! I can't fly, I can't fly, I can't fly! Oh, my child will never know me! Abby will blame me for this, I know she will. d.a.m.n she-pixies with their rules and expectations! Ack! I'm dying! I'm dying inside!! It's happening!! Life is over before it has begun!! All my years in the service of others, undercover, saving humanity time and time again. Elf on the shelf, elf on the shelf! All for naught! All for na-ha-ha-haaaaught!" His blubbering took away any more last-words he might have had for us.

"Fascinating," was all Spike said, shaking his head slowly, studying the pixie in crisis.

I nodded. My roommate had finally cracked under the pressure. Yet his complete freak-out somehow inspired me to come up with a plan.

"Spike, I need you to watch my back. I'm going to find someone to help us."

He arched an eyebrow. "By all means. I await your next move."

I stuck my tongue out at him before closing my eyes. Come on, Tones. I know you're out there, buddy. Talk to me. Find me. I'm over here in the Underworld and I f.u.c.kING NEED YOU NOW!!

CHAPTER TEN.

I SAW NOTHING IN MY mind but blackness. I kept up my chanting, focusing on sending out the strongest emotions I could muster. I knew Tony would never let me down, even if there was just a tiny spark of my presence in his mind. If he could hear me or vibe me or somehow sense I was in deep doo doo like I was now, with dragon stink filling my nostrils with nastiness, he'd find a way to get here and rescue my sorry b.u.t.t.

Tony, I need you. I'm probably going to die over here, and I'm pretty sure dying in the Underworld isn't any more pleasant than it is in the Here and Now. I don't belong here! I don't, I swear! It was a mistake! Please come rescue me. Tony, please, I'll do anything you want. I'll cut your hair good next time. I'll totally be okay with you doing it daily with Felicia. I'll ... s.h.i.+t, I'll stop cussing!

"Jayne, I think it's a really bad idea to promise things you can't possibly deliver. It's bad karma."

I opened my eyes and shouted, "Tony, you're here!" My head jerked left and right, trying to figure out where his voice had come from.

Spike was pointing.

Following the direction of his finger, my eyes were drawn to the Ancient, specifically to the door that was cut into its base. That door was open, and Tony's head was sticking out of the entrance to Maggie's place.

"Oh, thank everything that is holy and unholy ... Tony, you're here!!" I screamed. "Tim, look! It's Tony!"

Tim was still blubbering, but at least he seemed a little less unhinged. "Tony, oh, sweet Jesus, please get me down from here and take me back to my family. I don't want to be dragon kibble. I don't want to be roasted and put into a dragon risotto. I'd be bitter, I know I would! They'd hate it, but by the time they realized it, it'd be too late!"

Tony smiled in a mostly confused way. "What's he talking about?"

"Nothing. He's gone bananas. Just get us out of here. The dragon is coming."

The door opened wider and Tony leaned out. "I need you to come over here and take my hand. I can't step out of the Gray." He stretched his hand out towards me.

Nothing had ever looked so welcoming or loving in my life as his skinny arm did right now. "Tony, I want run over there right this second and grab your hand like you wouldn't believe, but there's a spell on this s.p.a.ce in front of me, and I'm afraid if I try to come through it, I'm going to get stuck like Tim."

"A true roommate would get stuck with me!" yelled Tim. "Prove your love! Live the roommate code of honor! Get spelled, Jayne!"

"I can't help you if I'm trapped too, you t.u.r.d monkey! Just relax." I had never seen Tim lose it so completely, and it was distressing me to no end. It was worse than seeing a parent fall apart. I'd experienced that once with my mom during her divorce, and it wasn't pretty. But Tim, the brave, fearless, former spy and kicka.s.s pixie losing it ... definitely worse. I heard a quick succession of farts coming from his direction. Yeah. Definitely, positively worse. Level 5 Defcon bad.

"Oh, great. Now I have gas. I hope you're happy with yourself, Jayne."

"You can't blame me for your intestinal problems. That's all on you, dude."

"He's got gas even in the Underworld?" asked Tony.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT MY HANDICAP!" yelled Tim, his voice reaching crystal-shattering pitch.

He abruptly fell out of the sky and landed on his back in the leaves below where he'd been suspended.

"What the h.e.l.l just happened?" I asked, totally mystified.

Tim stood up and brushed himself off, taking a few moments to fix his hair. He cleared his throat and then flew up a few feet, doing several barrel rolls and midair somersaults, appearing to be testing his wings.

"Yeah, okay. This works." He turned to me with a huge grin on his face. "Broke the spell!"

"Was it your farts or your lady-screech that did it?" I asked, only partially kidding.

"Who cares? Let's go," he said, flying towards the door.

I took a big step to follow him, and too late, realized the spell hadn't been totally broken. I felt the noose slip around my ankle and draw itself up tight. I was flipped back onto my a.s.s and quickly dragged through the rotted leaves towards the center of the clearing. "Aaahhh!! It's got me!! Help!!" I tried to dig my heels and fingers in, but all I did was stir up and cake the black, loamy soil onto my body and hands.

Tim flew over, buzzing around my face, but there was nothing he could do. Tony and Spike didn't move a muscle, but Tony's face registered the shock that was coming over him.

"Jayne! Holy c.r.a.p!" he yelled, his mouth hanging open as he watched me go.

I could see as I was dragged across the forest floor that he had a death grip on the edge of the door. It had a weird comforting effect, knowing he was so worried about me. He's going to help me. I know he is. Tony would never let me down.

My stomach almost dropped out of my mouth when I was suddenly yanked up high into the air by my feet. A second later, I was dangling high above the ground, upside down, the blood immediately rus.h.i.+ng to my head.

"Oh, s.h.i.+t, I'm gonna barf," I said. It was like the worst amus.e.m.e.nt park ride in the world: the Drag-n-Hang. My stomach burned and churned, threatening to loose itself on the forest floor.

"No! Don't spew!" yelled Tim. "It'll go into your nose and then your breath will be bad enough to kill a dragon."

The smell of strong sulfur hit my face just after he said that, making me laugh bitterly with the irony. "Sounds like a good plan to me."

"The dragon is coming," said demon-Spike, fear in his voice. "I wish to come with you into the void," he said, staring at Tony.

"Of course, Spike. How'd you get over here anyway?"

"That's not Spike!" I yelled. "It is but it isn't. But he has to come with us anyway so we can get the real Spike back."

"I'm really confused right now, Jayne," said Tony, his voice shaky.

"Me too. I don't really know totally what's going on here; but I do know this - if you don't get the three of us into that void with you within the next thirty seconds or so, we're all going to be dragon bait."

CHAPTER ELEVEN.

TIM WAS FLYING ZIG-ZAGS in front of my face, speaking feverishly. "You gotta fart, Jayne. You've gotta break the spell. Fart for all you're worth! Fart, fart, fart! Let your b.u.t.t sing!"

"I'm not going to do that, Tim!" The panic was taking hold of me, turning my insides to liquid. I thought I'd felt sick before, but I was wrong. Now I was feeling positively awful.

"What's he saying?" yelled Tony.

"He's telling me to fart! He thinks it will break the spell."

"Do it then!" Tony encouraged.

I couldn't believe my luck; if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none at all. "I can't do that on command! And even if I could, I wouldn't!" I had a thing about that. No way was I exposing that part of my life to my guy-friends. No friggin way.

"Do it, Jayne. Seriously." Tony was looking up at the sky, fear etched in his face.

I decided to try the other possible spell-breaking trick. "La-la-la-LAAAAAAAAAA!!" I yelled, as high as I could.

"Oh, boy. She's really lost it now. We're doomed." Tim was making a sad face in front of me, moving his hands in the sign of the cross over and over again.

"I'm not losing it. I'm trying to break the spell. Yell again, Tim. Yell like you did earlier!"

The sulfur smell was overwhelming now, and the dragon roared again, making me wonder what kind of freaky magic was making a sheepdog smell so friggin strong and sound so d.a.m.n awful. I was pretty sure the sound I'd just heard had come not from a sheepdog, but from a T-Rex.

Tim opened his mouth and sang loudly and shrilly. "Tra-la-laaaaaa, tra-la-laaaaa!"

"Louder!" I yelled, the anxiety nearly choking me, making my voice go higher.

"TRA-LA-LAAAAAAA!".

"Fart, Tim! Fart!" I yelled, panic lacing my voice. The fact that I was begging my roommate to pa.s.s gas right in front of my face showed how desperate I was.

"How dare you suggest I do such a thing," he said, sniffing and turning away from me.

I pleaded with him, close to tears now. "Tim, I hardly ever ask you to do anything for me, and I never ask you to do this. But I'm begging you now. Fart! Blow your b.u.t.t smoke like you've never done before! Set me free with your gas!"

"You're making me too nervous!" he yelled, spinning back around and glancing with panic at the sky, stopping every half a second to strain and grunt, twisting and bending his torso around.

"You're never too nervous to fart!" I growled at him. "Please, for the love of all faedom, put me in the gas chamber. Light up the night, Tim. Show us what you've got."

"Errrrr .... mmmm ... can't ... do it ... aaahhhh ... eeeee ... errrr ..." Tim's face was turning beet red with his exertions.

I heard the beating of mighty wings before I saw them. My brain was short-circuiting, unable to jibe the dragons I knew from the tapestry with the sounds I was hearing behind me.

I twisted mightily against my invisible noose, unsuccessfully trying to turn myself around. Despite my best efforts, which included a strained rib muscle, I remained upside down, facing Tony.

Tim looked up from his attempts to break wind and screeched, flying away and zooming down to join Tony at the door as he yelled, "She's gonna fry! She's gonna fry! Do something, wrathe-boy!"

"Jayne, look out!" Tony yelled, cringing behind the door.

Spike disappeared into the trees, sprinting without looking back.

"Coward!" I yelled after him, struggling gamely against the spell keeping me trussed up like a pheasant, ignoring the pain coming from my side. "I'm gonna kick your friggin a.s.s when I see you again, demon-Spike!"

A hot gust of air hit the back of my body, bringing with it the most awful odor of boiled eggs I've ever had the misfortune to smell, making me cease my struggles and freeze every muscle in my body. I battled to conquer the quickly suffocating disgust and fear, breathing in deeply to calm myself.

The horrible odor filling my nostrils made me want to vomit. "Holy f.u.c.k, what is that smell?" I whisper-yelled to Tony. My eyes darted left and right, trying to see what was dying and possibly decomposing behind me. The thought of a zombie dragon crossed my mind, but I quickly erased it, knowing the reality couldn't possibly be that bad.

Tony's face had gone white. I knew things were really bad when Tim hid in the top of Tony's hair, shaking like a leaf. He hated Tony's hair almost as much as he hated Scrum's.

"Tim, did you just pee on me?" asked Tony in a quavering voice.

"I think so," said Tim.

I was nearly paralyzed with fear now. "It's behind me, isn't it?" I asked, my words coming out as mewling sobs. "What is it? A dinosaur? A pterodactyl? A corpse? A zombie?"

Tony nodded first and shook his head second, pulling back farther behind the door, only the top of his head and eyes peeking out now. I could just barely see Tim's face above the poof of Tony's hair that was still showing.