Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 11

SELF-CONFIDENCE AND OPENNESS TO LOVE.

How do you feel and act when you are in love? Do you feel secure in yourself and in the love given to you? Do you avoid getting close OPENNESS TO LOVE 135.

and intimate? If so, is this why you are not in an intimate relations.h.i.+p, or are there really no appropriate candidates? Are you longing for a relations.h.i.+p but allow your anxiety and ambivalence to scare potential partners away? It seems rather obvious from all the predictions and studies generated by attachment theory that our self-concept and self-confidence influence our ability to give and receive love.

In an early study on self-esteem and romantic love, students were asked to fill out a questionnaire that examined their level of self-confidence along with their tendency to feel threatened and respond defensively. Then they were asked about their love experiences. Results showed that the students who reported the highest number of falling-in-love experiences had high self-confidence and low defensiveness (Dion & Dion, 1975). In order to love others, we first must love and respect In order to love others, we first must love and respect ourselves. ourselves. Attachment studies indeed show that secure individuals are more self-confident, less neurotic, more extroverted, more agreeable, and more open to new experiences than avoidant and anxious individuals (Mickelson et al., 1997, Shaver & Brennan, 1992). Attachment studies indeed show that secure individuals are more self-confident, less neurotic, more extroverted, more agreeable, and more open to new experiences than avoidant and anxious individuals (Mickelson et al., 1997, Shaver & Brennan, 1992).

The conclusion that in order to be able to love others we first must love ourselves is not big news in psychology. Eric Erikson argued some forty years ago that we have to develop a strong and positive sense of ourselves before we can develop and sustain intimate relations.h.i.+ps (Erikson, 1959). A study that examined the relations.h.i.+p between self-ident.i.ty and intimacy showed that Erikson was right.

People with a highly developed sense of ident.i.ty had relations.h.i.+ps of greater intimacy than did people with undeveloped self-ident.i.ty (Macerguis & Adams, 1980).

People whose sense of ident.i.ty is not well-developed are afraid of intimacy because they are afraid to be engulfed. And their anxiety is well founded. When people with a low sense of self fall in love, their love is especially powerful, often taking complete control of them and becoming the main focus of their lives. The result is compulsive, destructive, desperate love (Sperling, 1987).

Does self-confidence always imply greater openness to love? Not necessarily. With greater self-confidence come higher expectations and standards for an appropriate romantic partner. In a study that ill.u.s.trated this, an attractive, well-dressed, young man approached a succession of young women who were waiting to receive the results of a personality test they had taken. As each woman waited, the young man started talking to her, indicated that he liked her, and asked her for a date. At that moment, the experimenter walked in, and showed her to another room where she received the results of the personality test. Half of the women read very positive evaluations that were aimed at raising self-confidence. The other half read very 136 negative evaluations that were aimed at reducing self-concept and self-confidence. The experimenter then asked each woman how much she liked various people, such as a teacher or a friend, and, since "there was s.p.a.ce left on the page," how did she evaluate the young man who approached her in the waiting room? Results indicated that the women who received negative evaluations and felt less confident, expressed greater liking for the man who showed an interest in them (Walster, 1965). The greater the insecurity and doubts we have about ourselves, the greater our liking and appreciation for a person who likes us.

Similar findings were reported in a study on how self-esteem and physical attractiveness affected the search for a romantic partner. In the study, male students who took an intelligence test received false information about their performance; some were told that they had done very well, others that they had failed miserably. Afterwards, during a break, the experimenter joined the subject for coffee. A female student, part of the experiment, waited in the coffee shop.

When the experimenter and subject entered the coffee shop, the experimenter discovered discovered the female student, who sat alone, joined her, and introduced the subject. In half of the cases, the female student, with the help of makeup, hairstyle, and appropriate clothes, looked very attractive; in half of the cases, she was made to look very unattractive. The experimenter noted whether or not the subject expressed romantic interest in the young woman. Did he try to make her stay longer? Did he offer to pay for her coffee? Did he express a desire to meet her again? Did he ask for her phone number? the female student, who sat alone, joined her, and introduced the subject. In half of the cases, the female student, with the help of makeup, hairstyle, and appropriate clothes, looked very attractive; in half of the cases, she was made to look very unattractive. The experimenter noted whether or not the subject expressed romantic interest in the young woman. Did he try to make her stay longer? Did he offer to pay for her coffee? Did he express a desire to meet her again? Did he ask for her phone number?

a.n.a.lysis of the observation data indicated that the students who felt more sure of themselves, because of their great success in the intelligence test, expressed more romantic interest in the young woman when she looked attractive. On the other hand, the students who felt less self-confident, because they had performed miserably, expressed more interest in the young woman when she looked less attractive (Kiesler & Baral, 1970).

The less sure of themselves people are, the more they need love and respect, and the more likely they are to be attracted to people who offer those rewards. The more sure of themselves people are, the less they need approval, acceptance, and love; they are likely to be more choosy and less likely to fall in love with just anyone who offers them love. Like a hungry person who will eat anything, an insecure person is likely to choose someone less attractive because that kind of person is less likely to reject him or her and more likely to offer love and appreciation.

In women, self-confidence is related to physical attractiveness.

Women who had been rated for attractiveness by objective judges OPENNESS TO LOVE 137.

were asked to describe their romantic preferences. All women preferred to date a high-status man, such as a physician or a lawyer, over a low-status man, such as a janitor or a waiter. Nevertheless, unattractive women were willing to go out with men holding jobs in the middle of the scale, such as an electrician or a clerk; attractive women were not (Rubin, 1973).

This brings us back to the discussion of the relations.h.i.+p between self-confidence and various love styles.2 You may recall that insecure people who don't have a coherent sense of self and are not self-actualized tend toward a game-playing style of love; they have relations.h.i.+ps with low levels of intimacy and high levels of conflict.

People who are self-confident, self-actual-ized, and have a coherent sense of self, tend toward unselfish and romantic styles of love, and their relations.h.i.+ps are characterized by high levels of intimacy (Levy & Davis, 1988).

BARRIERS TO FALLING AND STAYING IN LOVE.

The question of readiness for love is of great interest for clinicians who work with individuals who are incapable of sustaining intimate relations.h.i.+ps. I am currently working with two such individuals, a young man and a young woman. Both are very attractive physically, intelligent, and charming. Both want desperately to be in an intimate relations.h.i.+p. Both have a very long list of relations.h.i.+ps that lasted from one date to several weeks. But none evolved into the kind of truly intimate relations.h.i.+p they both want.

The man, who loves folk dancing and is a wonderful dancer, often falls in love with his female partners. He dazzles them with his openness, readiness to talk about feelings, his ability to express love.

Each is delighted to receive the love poem he left at night in her mailbox and is ready to join him in this larger-than-life love story.

Their amazement lasts a week, or two, or three, and then it turns to distress. He is simply "too much." Finding a love poem every time you open your mailbox, every time you put your hand in your coat pocket, every time you open a drawer, is not thrilling, it's suffocating.

In therapy, when he asked me if I wanted to see his poems and I said yes, he brought 682 poems to the next session. The women try to distance themselves from this flood of love, and tell him that they need some s.p.a.ce, but he insists on being true to his feelings and expressing his love. When they can't take it anymore, they break up with him.

The woman is a very attractive, professional woman who meets many men through her work. Men are dazzled by her beauty, 138 intelligence, and feminine charm. They pursue her and she responds enthusiastically, falling madly in love, convinced every time that she has found her Prince Charming. The mutual enthusiasm lasts a week or two and then the men start distancing themselves as she overwhelms them with her phone calls, her generous gifts, and her physical presence-she likes to arrive unannounced and surprise them by cleaning or cooking for them. When they hint that they need some s.p.a.ce, she insists that she is a genuine person who needs to express her feelings. So she continues flooding them with her love, and sooner or later, they walk away, a.s.suring her each time that she's a wonderful person. It is they who don't deserve all the love she has to give.

One of the most famous psychoa.n.a.lysts to address the psychological barriers to falling in love and maintaining an intimate relations.h.i.+p is Otto Kernberg. Kernberg believes that the ability to love reflects the developmental level of the individual (1974). Internal models of love that are based on childhood experiences with important people, most notably, Mother, influence adult relations.h.i.+ps.

In order to fall in love and maintain a love relations.h.i.+p, an individual has to reach a certain emotional depth and maturity. "A capacity for relating to one's own self in depth as well as to others seems to be a basic precognition for a deep and lasting relation between two people who love each other" (Kernberg, 1980).

Kernberg describes people's ability to love on the following five-point scale.

Total inability to love. This most extreme end of the scale represents an inability to establish relations.h.i.+ps that involve s.e.xual love. It characterizes the extreme examples of a narcissistic, schizophrenic personality structure. A narcissistic personality is characterized by unrealistic feelings of grandiosity and a ceaseless need for admiration. This most extreme end of the scale represents an inability to establish relations.h.i.+ps that involve s.e.xual love. It characterizes the extreme examples of a narcissistic, schizophrenic personality structure. A narcissistic personality is characterized by unrealistic feelings of grandiosity and a ceaseless need for admiration.

The total involvement with the self prevents the establishment of intimate relations.h.i.+ps. Schizophrenia is a very serious mental illness that causes serious disturbances in perception, motivation, and emotion.

s.e.xual promiscuity. The second pattern expressed is usually, but not always, heteros.e.xual. It characterizes a less extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder, and people who suffer from it are capable of establis.h.i.+ng intimate relations.h.i.+ps. But since they tend to treat others as tools for their own gratification, their intimate relations.h.i.+ps tend to be immature, incomplete, and often s.e.xually focused. The second pattern expressed is usually, but not always, heteros.e.xual. It characterizes a less extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder, and people who suffer from it are capable of establis.h.i.+ng intimate relations.h.i.+ps. But since they tend to treat others as tools for their own gratification, their intimate relations.h.i.+ps tend to be immature, incomplete, and often s.e.xually focused.

Primitive idealization of the beloved and childish dependence. The third pattern is clinging and characterizes borderline personality disorder. The third pattern is clinging and characterizes borderline personality disorder.

OPENNESS TO LOVE.

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People with this disorder tend to have very unstable interpersonal relations.h.i.+ps and swing between total idealization and total dismissal of the other. They also tend to be emotionally unstable, impulsive, and desperate to prevent a real or imagined abandonment.

Ability to create stable relations.h.i.+ps, without the ability to enjoy full s.e.xual s.e.xual satisfaction. satisfaction. The fourth pattern characterizes less serious personality disorders and neuroses. Neuroses, according to psychoa.n.a.lytic theory, are disturbances that originate in an unconscious conflict that creates anxiety. The anxiety pushes the individual to use various defense mechanisms that distort reality. The fourth pattern characterizes less serious personality disorders and neuroses. Neuroses, according to psychoa.n.a.lytic theory, are disturbances that originate in an unconscious conflict that creates anxiety. The anxiety pushes the individual to use various defense mechanisms that distort reality.

A healthy combination of s.e.xuality and sensitivity to the other, and deep intimate relations. relations. This fifth pattern is at the other, positive end of the scale. This fifth pattern is at the other, positive end of the scale.

The different levels on the scale represent different levels of "personality organization." The stage in which a "developmental failure" occurred determines the level of the adult's personality organization.3 In order to understand what a developmental failure is, we first need to understand what normal development is.

Our personality is the result of a developmental process that the noted psychoa.n.a.lyst Margaret Mahler calls "psychological birth"

(Mahler et al., 1975). Mahler believes that psychological birth is not the same as physical birth. She and her colleagues followed "normal children of average mothers" from birth to age three. Their observations led them to conclude that psychological birth requires a successful pa.s.sage through a number of stages.

Autistic stage. The first stage in a baby's life, birth to 2 months, during which the baby responds only to internal needs and periods of sleep are longer than periods of being awake. The first stage in a baby's life, birth to 2 months, during which the baby responds only to internal needs and periods of sleep are longer than periods of being awake.

Symbiotic stage. When the baby's sensitivity and response to outside stimuli grow, at 2 to 5 months, the baby moves to this stage. Here, there is no differentiation between self and non-self, between baby and mother. This symbiosis, When the baby's sensitivity and response to outside stimuli grow, at 2 to 5 months, the baby moves to this stage. Here, there is no differentiation between self and non-self, between baby and mother. This symbiosis, this experience of oneness with Mother, is this experience of oneness with Mother, is the building block for the ability to love and all future love relations.h.i.+ps. the building block for the ability to love and all future love relations.h.i.+ps. The successful pa.s.sage of this stage depends on the mother's ability to mother and the baby's ability to accept mothering. The symbiotic stage explains why people who fall in love allow their ego boundaries to collapse and feel at one with the beloved; and why people who fall in love are emotionally closed to loving anyone else. Symbiosis, and thus falling in love, is by definition between two. The successful pa.s.sage of this stage depends on the mother's ability to mother and the baby's ability to accept mothering. The symbiotic stage explains why people who fall in love allow their ego boundaries to collapse and feel at one with the beloved; and why people who fall in love are emotionally closed to loving anyone else. Symbiosis, and thus falling in love, is by definition between two.

Separating from Mother. When a baby has, what famous child doctor and psychoa.n.a.lyst Donald Winnicott (1976) calls, "good enough mothering," the baby can start separating from Mother and develop an independent self-ident.i.ty. Winnicott did a great favor to concerned mothers by a.s.suring them that in order to raise an emotionally healthy 140 When a baby has, what famous child doctor and psychoa.n.a.lyst Donald Winnicott (1976) calls, "good enough mothering," the baby can start separating from Mother and develop an independent self-ident.i.ty. Winnicott did a great favor to concerned mothers by a.s.suring them that in order to raise an emotionally healthy 140 baby they don't need to be perfect mothers, only "good enough."

The process of separation from Mother and the development of an independent self happens, according to Mahler, in four stages.

Differentiation, 6 to 9 months. At this stage, the baby starts differentiating from Mother. The baby explores the world with eyes, hands, feet, and mouth. The development of this differentiation can be seen in a baby who sucks his or her fist. The expression of wonder and endless fascination on the baby's face indicates a beginning understanding that both the sensation in the mouth and on the fist are one's own and the baby can make them happen. It has been said that the baby's first reality testing is reality tasting. Only when the baby is able to differentiate between self and what is not self, can the baby start internalizing objects, that is, people, relations.h.i.+ps, and things. 6 to 9 months. At this stage, the baby starts differentiating from Mother. The baby explores the world with eyes, hands, feet, and mouth. The development of this differentiation can be seen in a baby who sucks his or her fist. The expression of wonder and endless fascination on the baby's face indicates a beginning understanding that both the sensation in the mouth and on the fist are one's own and the baby can make them happen. It has been said that the baby's first reality testing is reality tasting. Only when the baby is able to differentiate between self and what is not self, can the baby start internalizing objects, that is, people, relations.h.i.+ps, and things.

Mother is the baby's first love object, and therefore also the first object the baby internalizes. As the baby starts separating from Mother, elements of her are internalized. Those internalized elements become a part of the baby's own independent, inner world.

Practicing, 10 to 16 months. After the baby has internalized Mother, or elements of the mother, the baby can tolerate being separated from her. At this stage the child starts to practice separating from Mother. The baby has an affair with the world and is full of enthusiasm and growing independence. At the beginning of this stage the baby crawls, at the end of the stage the toddler walks. Children at this stage love to play the game of "getting away from Mom." The mother has to be able to tolerate the baby's distancing and encourage the development of an independent self by recognizing the child's individual needs and preferences. When the mother encourages her child's independence, but at the same time is there, her child learns that separation can be enjoyable and exciting and does not mean a loss of love. 10 to 16 months. After the baby has internalized Mother, or elements of the mother, the baby can tolerate being separated from her. At this stage the child starts to practice separating from Mother. The baby has an affair with the world and is full of enthusiasm and growing independence. At the beginning of this stage the baby crawls, at the end of the stage the toddler walks. Children at this stage love to play the game of "getting away from Mom." The mother has to be able to tolerate the baby's distancing and encourage the development of an independent self by recognizing the child's individual needs and preferences. When the mother encourages her child's independence, but at the same time is there, her child learns that separation can be enjoyable and exciting and does not mean a loss of love.

Rapprochement, 17 to 24 months. This stage of refueling is characterized by growing independence followed by a retreat, separation and return for love. It is important for Mother to allow her child to get away from her, but be there with a loving hug and nurturing when the newly acquired independence gets too scary. 17 to 24 months. This stage of refueling is characterized by growing independence followed by a retreat, separation and return for love. It is important for Mother to allow her child to get away from her, but be there with a loving hug and nurturing when the newly acquired independence gets too scary.

Consolidation of individuality, 24 to 36 months. An inner world of internalized love objects enables the child to form stable emotional relations.h.i.+ps, postpone gratification, tolerate frustrations, and enjoy the functioning of an independent self. 24 to 36 months. An inner world of internalized love objects enables the child to form stable emotional relations.h.i.+ps, postpone gratification, tolerate frustrations, and enjoy the functioning of an independent self.

When the child pa.s.ses these four stages successfully, the result is a "psychological birth"-the first step in the development of an autonomous personality with a unique and coherent self-ident.i.ty capable of facing challenges, forming attachments, accepting others, OPENNESS TO LOVE 141.

and withstanding separation and conflict. An individuated person is able to maintain long-term love relations.h.i.+ps even after the first drive was satisfied, and despite frustration, disappointment, and attacks.

Such a person can postpone gratification, suffer frustration, and enjoy the functioning of an independent ego. Such a person can also distinguish self from other, and truly enjoy the other person's separate ident.i.ty.

Throughout the process of separation-individuation, the primal conflict between longing for the infantile symbiosis, or the yearning for the perfect bond, and the need for independence, or the fear of being engulfed and losing individuality, expresses itself. This conflict returns in full force in adult romantic relations.h.i.+ps.

The dual needs for closeness and for independence exist in each and every one of us, and in all romantic love relations.h.i.+ps. Neither one is preferred and neither one exists all the time. Rather, there is an ongoing interplay between the two. Couples in romantic love relations.h.i.+ps need to consciously allow, and move back and forth between, close intimacy and independence.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG?.

A traumatic experience in one of these developmental stages can cause a fear of separation or an impulse towards merging.

Abandonment, even if temporary, causes mortal dread and is imprinted as such. When the child's drive toward independence is suffocated by the parent's anxiety, the child develops a fear of suffocation and a strong need for s.p.a.ce, independence, and autonomy.

When the child's need for closeness is frustrated by a parent who pushes for independence too early, or is not there to defend the child in need, the child develops a fear of abandonment and an unusually strong need for closeness and merging. These unconscious needs define the choice of a romantic partner and influence the couple's dynamic.4 Failure in the process of separation-individuation results in the absence of a separate, independent self.5 At times, people with such a fragile sense of self develop a "borrowed ident.i.ty." They adopt the values of their family of origin or other people. They can't separate from their family and all their emotional energy is invested in it.

When the self is fragile, the person needs constant a.s.surances and cannot stand criticism or rejection. His or her goal in life is to be loved and accepted by others. Such a person will always try to be what the other wants. A mature self, on the other hand, has 142 boundaries. The self-concept of a person with a mature self is far less influenced by the opinions and feelings of others.

It is important to note that this view of the separated and individuated person as a model of mental health has been criticized by feminist writers as being a masculine model. In other words, the ideal of mental health is in fact a masculine stereotype.6 What is described as normal development is characteristic of a patriarchal society where Mother is the primary caregiver rather than a partner in shared parenting.7 This brings us back to Otto Kernberg (1974) who believes that the ability to love reflects a level of emotional depth and maturity, and that this development can be described on a scale. What determines the personality's level of organization is the stage in which a developmental failure occurred in the process of separation-individuation, and the seriousness of the trauma that caused it. The ability to love and to maintain love relations.h.i.+ps represents success in the process of separation from the primal symbiosis with Mother, and the development of an independent and differentiated self. The ability to love can be described on a continuum. On one end is the ability to achieve a deep and stable relations.h.i.+p with complete s.e.xual satisfaction, a testament to success in the process of separation-individuation. On the other end is a total inability to have an intimate relations.h.i.+p that involves love and s.e.xuality, which testifies to a serious failure in the process of separation-individuation. The earlier the developmental failure happens, and the more difficult the trauma a.s.sociated with it, the more likely it is to severely affect development and the ability to love.

SCHIZOID PERSONALITY DISORDER.

I cannot end the discussion of the ability, or inability, to love without addressing the personality disorder that is most relevant to the subject, namely, schizoid personality disorder. People who suffer from it treat all people with suspicion and distance; they tend to avoid all close relations.h.i.+ps including s.e.xual love relations.h.i.+ps. They see in intimate relations.h.i.+ps the threat of being controlled or their inner world invaded. When they are married or in an intimate relations.h.i.+p, schizoids express little interest in their partners and do not share their thoughts or feelings. They lack, almost altogether, an interest in social involvement and basic social skills, such as carrying on a conversation. They show no interest in either praise or criticism OPENNESS TO LOVE 143.

from other people. Since their emotional expression is limited, they are often perceived as cold and distant.

The social world of schizoids is very limited. They have very few intimate relations.h.i.+ps, few friends, if any, and tend to be extremely isolated. When emotional issues arise in social contacts, they feel tremendous discomfort, and tend to escape the discussion of emotions by introducing a theoretical or abstract discussion. In comparison to the poverty of their social lives, their inner worlds are rich in fantasies and daydreams. It is noteworthy that people with a schizoid personality disorder usually do not experience the lack of intimate relations.h.i.+ps as a problem and do not want to change.8 Things are different for people who find themselves without intimate relations.h.i.+ps. They experience great distress with their situation and want very badly to change it. While it is true that people can do very little about the love they did or did not receive as children, adults can choose to be conscious of their attachment styles, and how the style affects their intimate relations.h.i.+ps.

SUGGESTIONS FOR PEOPLE SEEKING LOVE.

Do you feel secure in your ability to love and be loved? Do you avoid getting close and intimate? Are you longing for a relations.h.i.+p, but, because of your anxiety and ambivalence, manage to scare potential partners away? Instead of finding faults in their partners, as witnessed by many years of fruitless searching leaving them still unable to find an appropriate partner, people who are searching for love can try to figure out why they respond the way they do to others in general, and to candidates for a romantic relations.h.i.+p in particular.

Even if awareness does not necessarily imply change, it is an important first step in the right direction.

9.T H E S O N FA L L S I N L OV E W I T H.

" M O T H E R , " T H E DAU G H T E R W I T H " FAT H E R "

The innumerable peculiarities in the erotic life of human beings, as well as the compulsive character of the process of falling in love itself, are quite unintelligible except by reference back to childhood and as being residual effects of childhood.

-Sigmund Freud, Three Essays on the Theory of s.e.xuality WOMEN TALK ABOUT THE MEN THEY LOVE WOMEN TALK ABOUT THE MEN THEY LOVE "

I think I attract men who are like my father, very carefree and think I attract men who are like my father, very carefree and open... For the most part I like men with his characteristics." open... For the most part I like men with his characteristics."

"I try to make him fatherly toward me. I made him spoil me like my dad did. He's like my dad in being vulnerable and trusting people." my dad did. He's like my dad in being vulnerable and trusting people."

"What's weird is that he's definitely a combination of my step-dad and my real dad. A lot of things that seem to make me attracted to someone come from my step-dad. He's extremely talented. He is good someone come from my step-dad. He's extremely talented. He is good with his hands. I mean he can fix things. He's also kind of casual. His with his hands. I mean he can fix things. He's also kind of casual. His smile, things like that. But he can also be kind of opinionated, like my smile, things like that. But he can also be kind of opinionated, like my dad. He can be condescending like my dad. I think I used to play the dad. He can be condescending like my dad. I think I used to play the role with him that I played with my dad." role with him that I played with my dad."

"He's like my dad in being very career oriented. He talks about work a lot. He brings his work mind home with him. My dad did work a lot. He brings his work mind home with him. My dad did that. And he'll make decisions for you if you let him. He can have a that. And he'll make decisions for you if you let him. He can have a short fuse too. That's kind of like my dad." short fuse too. That's kind of like my dad."

"My father is reserved. He thinks about things before he says them.

He [the boyfriend] is sort of like that too. Neither of them is really concerned about immediate gratification type of things." concerned about immediate gratification type of things."

145.

146.

"He's kind of similar to my father in that he has a strong sense of determination. Whatever he does, he'll try to do to the best of his determination. Whatever he does, he'll try to do to the best of his ability. They are both very caring about me." ability. They are both very caring about me."

MEN TALK ABOUT THE WOMEN THEY LOVE.

"She is similar to my mother in terms of not having a mean bone in her body and in being real easy going. Then you feel guilty, which in her body and in being real easy going. Then you feel guilty, which you don't when they're being selfish. My mom is like that." you don't when they're being selfish. My mom is like that."

"She is very warm and loving, like my mother. And she takes care of me and spoils me like my mother used to spoil me." of me and spoils me like my mother used to spoil me."

"She sort of has the same granola look like my mother, not a lot of makeup, dresses casually. And she is laid back like my mother." makeup, dresses casually. And she is laid back like my mother."

"Sometimes my mother doesn't like to be bothered. They are similar like that." like that."

"She is overly dependent on me, that's a similarity between my Mom and her. And she spoils me in a lot of ways, like she buys things Mom and her. And she spoils me in a lot of ways, like she buys things for me." for me."

"She takes care of me and worries about me like my mother."

"She's a genuinely nice person. In that she's like my mom."

Sigmund Freud, a man of the Victorian age and a brilliant thinker, provided the pioneer ing psychoa.n.a.lytic theory about the unconscious roots and development of adult love relations.h.i.+ps.

Many theoreticians and researchers have expanded and refined Freud's early concepts in creating their own theories about the roots of romantic love. One of these is Bowlby's attachment theory, discussed in the previous chapter. These theories continue to be refined by modern day psychologists who study both early childhood development and later adult development.

In his less-than-one-hundred-page book, Three Essays On The Three Essays On The Theory Of s.e.xuality Theory Of s.e.xuality (1905), Freud explained romantic love according to his psychoa.n.a.lytic theory, and described the roots of romantic choices, both normal and perverse, in men and in women. (1905), Freud explained romantic love according to his psychoa.n.a.lytic theory, and described the roots of romantic choices, both normal and perverse, in men and in women.

The over-simplified translation of the complex process Freud described is the formula familiar to all of us-a man falls in love with a woman who reminds him of his mother; a woman falls in love with a man who reminds her of her father. These reasons are "unconscious," which is to say the individual is unaware of them.

IS YOUR PARTNER SIMILAR TO YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER?.

THE SON FALLS IN LOVE WITH "MOTHER"

147.

In response to this question a significantly higher percentage of men than women described their partners as similar to their mothers, and a significantly higher percentage of women than men described their partners as similar to their fathers.1 Freud believed that the attraction to people who remind us of our opposite s.e.x parent is a universal, biologically based phenomenon, related to the developmental processes of early childhood. In his conceptions, romantic love is a socially accepted expression of the s.e.xual drive that he termed libido. libido. Libido is the energy that life instincts use to perform their tasks, be it individual survival or racial propagation. Different from attachment, libido is akin to the biological drive of hunger or thirst that pushes for gratification. People are born with different levels of libido. Libido is the energy that life instincts use to perform their tasks, be it individual survival or racial propagation. Different from attachment, libido is akin to the biological drive of hunger or thirst that pushes for gratification. People are born with different levels of libido.

It is interesting to note that the Greeks called the bonding instinct of the baby to Mother, Eros, Eros, a word that is a.s.sociated with romantic love. In its origin the word had the wider connotation of life force. a word that is a.s.sociated with romantic love. In its origin the word had the wider connotation of life force.

Freud also saw Eros as a life instinct opposed to Tanatus, Tanatus, the death instinct, the unconscious and destructive wish to die. the death instinct, the unconscious and destructive wish to die.

Freud was the first to emphasize the decisive role played by the early years of infancy in laying the foundations of an individual's adult personality. He believed that the personality was formed by the end of the fifth year, and that subsequent development consisted of elaborating on this basic structure. Other psychoa.n.a.lysts expanded Freud's formulation both backward, to earlier stages, and forward, to later ones.

THE PSYCHOs.e.xUAL DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHILD.

According to Freud's theory of infantile s.e.xuality, in order to achieve mature s.e.xual ident.i.ty, a child needs to pa.s.s successfully through different stages of psychos.e.xual development, which occur in response to innate biological drives. Every stage is defined (a) by an "erogenous zone" of the body, a specific area that provides the focus for s.e.xuality, pleasurable sensuality, and instinctual drive; and (b) by an "object" that provides the sensual pleasure, that is the thing, condition, or behaviors that can satisfy the drive.