Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 2

10.That is, does geographic distance enhance or diminish love? The other point concerns the negative effects of proximity and repeated arousal. That is, does proximity increase hostility and dislike as well as attraction?

DOES TEMPORARY SEPARATION.

INCREASE OR DECREASE ROMANTIC LOVE?.

According to one view, separation causes longing that enhances romantic love. From afar, people can see clearly, and appreciate, the wonderful qualities of a partner, qualities that daily proximity may prevent them from seeing. Indeed, my studies of marriage burnout suggest that a temporary separation, especially one that involves some danger and worry, such as a husband's army reserve duty, increases the romantic spark in the marriage (Pines, 1996).

According to the other view, "what is far from the eye is far from the heart." Just as physical proximity enhances emotional closeness, physical distance reduces it. Indeed, it was shown that married couples who don't live together are significantly more likely to divorce than couples living together (Rindfuss & Stephen, 1990). The problem with reaching a conclusion based on these findings is that couples who don't live together may have problems in their relations.h.i.+p. It is possible that these problems-and not the physical distance in and of itself-are what eventually cause the divorce.

What then can we conclude about the effect of separation on lovers? While there are wonderfully romantic stories of mythological loves, such as the one between Odysseus and Penelope that remained intense despite long years of separation, for most couples a long separation may not be too beneficial. When the relations.h.i.+p is close and loving, however, a separation-especially when short-may help intensify the romantic spark. But when the relations.h.i.+p is not good, and the separation long, it is easy to get used to life without the partner and come to prefer it.

PROXIMITY AND REPEATED EXPOSURE.

INTENSIFY ALL FEELINGS, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE.

When someone annoys us, repeated exposure, rather than making us like that person more, will intensify our negative feelings. This is why police PROXIMITY, THE HIDDEN MATCHMAKER 11.records show that most acts of violence do not happen between strangers but between people who are very close, such as husband and wife, family members, friends, and neighbors. In other words, repeated exposure intensifies the dominant emotion in the relations.h.i.+p. When the dominant emotion is anger, repeated exposure enhances the anger. When the dominant emotion is attraction, repeated exposure enhances the attraction.

This conclusion is supported by the findings of a study in which subjects were shown twenty different pictures and were asked how much they liked each one of them. In the second stage of the study they were shown some of the pictures one more time, and other pictures five or ten times. In the results, those pictures that the subjects either liked or felt neutral toward were rated more positively after subjects were exposed to them several times. On the other hand, repeated exposure to those pictures that subjects disliked served only to increase the dislike (Brickman et al., 1972).

SUGGESTIONS FOR PEOPLE SEEKING LOVE.

An opportunity to meet and get acquainted in person is almost a prerequisite for the development of a romantic relations.h.i.+p. While platonic love relations.h.i.+ps do develop by means of letters, telephone, and more recently electronic mail, and can be extremely exciting and rewarding as such, most people need to meet in person before they allow themselves to fall in love. And when people live, work, or play in close proximity, their likelihood of meeting increases.

But meeting once is not enough. The results of the a.n.a.lysis of the romantic attachment interviews suggest that in only 11 percent of the cases, the love described in the interview was at first sight.

Repeated exposure is yet another requirement for a romantic spark to turn into the steady flame of a love relations.h.i.+p.

Meeting repeatedly, however, does not guarantee love. If the first impression is negative, it is best to cut contact, let the first impression dissipate, and then give the relations.h.i.+p another chance. In such a case, repeated exposure will not change the initial dislike or disdain into love, but will increase them.

The conclusion for people who are seeking romantic love is obvious. Try to arrange your life in such a way that you have many opportunities to meet people through your work, place of residence, or recreational activities. It is important that your close physical 12 environment include the kinds of people you want to engage in a relations.h.i.+p, be it a friends.h.i.+p or a romantic attachment. Being involved in activities you love, or could love, is important not only because such activities offer the most likely meeting grounds in the search for a romantic partner, but they also a.s.sure living genuinely and, therefore, more happily.

When seeking candidates for romantic love, the encounters should offer not one-shot opportunities, the kind that take place on a busy street or in a crowded bar, but instead, time together and repet.i.tion.

The meetings should either take a while-such as a week-long ski or mountain hiking trip-or be repeated regularly as daily encounters at the cafeteria at work, next to the elevator or the mailboxes at the apartment, during a year-long cla.s.s, or a regularly scheduled, athletic activity.

2.A RO U S A L , T H E E L I X I R O F L OV E.

To start love like this: with a cannon shot ...That's a religion! That's a love!

-Yehuda Amichai, "Ideal Love,"

from Love Poems Love Poems "T o both of us everything seemed too much. All the people around, o both of us everything seemed too much. All the people around, the madness, and the whole college experience. Both of us wanted the madness, and the whole college experience. Both of us wanted at least one good friend. I came into the cla.s.s and she was the first at least one good friend. I came into the cla.s.s and she was the first person I noticed. She looked at me that very moment, and both of us person I noticed. She looked at me that very moment, and both of us said 'wawoo.'" said 'wawoo.'"

"Our relations.h.i.+p started in such a romantic way that neither of us wanted to accept the fact that we had nothing in common. We were at wanted to accept the fact that we had nothing in common. We were at a party out of town. I was drunk and the guy who drove the car was a party out of town. I was drunk and the guy who drove the car was drunk. He hit the side of the road and it was a miracle that we didn't drunk. He hit the side of the road and it was a miracle that we didn't get killed. She was in a car right behind us and they stopped when get killed. She was in a car right behind us and they stopped when they saw the accident. She got out of the car and I got out of the car. We they saw the accident. She got out of the car and I got out of the car. We ran toward each other and hugged. That's how the relations.h.i.+p started." ran toward each other and hugged. That's how the relations.h.i.+p started."

"I met him a couple of months after my divorce. I initiated the divorce, but it struck me hard afterwards.... He was there for me after divorce, but it struck me hard afterwards.... He was there for me after the divorce and it just went on from there." the divorce and it just went on from there."

"We both took the same summer cla.s.s. I decided earlier on that I wasn't interested in a romantic involvement with anyone. He was one wasn't interested in a romantic involvement with anyone. He was one of the only people who knew about my father's death. He and another of the only people who knew about my father's death. He and another friend invited me over and we started talking.... I was so comfortable friend invited me over and we started talking.... I was so comfortable with him that it seemed weird.... He was supportive and understanding with him that it seemed weird.... He was supportive and understanding about my father, and always interested in me and in being with me." about my father, and always interested in me and in being with me."

"We met when my mother died and my whole world fell apart. I was new in town and he was the caring and considerate person who was new in town and he was the caring and considerate person who couldn't hurt another person's feelings. I needed stability and he is couldn't hurt another person's feelings. I needed stability and he is very different from those guys who can leave someone for another. I very different from those guys who can leave someone for another. I was very depressed about my mother.... We took care of each other." was very depressed about my mother.... We took care of each other."

13.14.In one-fifth of the romantic attraction interviews, the relations.h.i.+ps described started during stormy periods in the lives of the men and women interviewed.1 Sometimes the heightened emotional sensitivity followed an experience of loss, such as the death of a parent, or a painful breakup. And at other times, the heightened emotions followed an exciting adventure, such as a trip abroad, leaving home for college, or a particularly dramatic event, such as miraculously surviving an accident.

THE TWO-FACTOR THEORY OF LOVE.

A terrified person is potentially a person in love, as is an angry person, a jealous person, a rejected person, and a happy person. Actually, every person who experiences the physiological arousal that accompanies strong emotions is potentially a person in love. This is the basic proposition of the two-factor theory of love first articulated by Elaine Walster and Ellen Berscheid (1971).

A man or woman who meets a potential partner after the excitement of winning a great promotion is more likely to fall in love than he or she would be on a routine day. Likewise, a man or woman is more likely to fall in love when mourning a terrible loss.

The reason, in both cases, has to do with the two components of love: arousal arousal and and label. label.

The two-factor theory of love is a derivation of a more general theory of emotions (Schachter, 1964). According to this theory, all strong emotions have two components, one is physiological and has to do with the body, the other is cognitive and has to do with the mind. The physiological component is a state of arousal. The cognitive component is a label that explains the arousal. In order for us to identify a particular emotion, we first need to experience a general state of physiological arousal that goes with all strong emotions, that is, rapid heartbeat, fast breathing, and so on. Then we need to put an emotional label on the physical arousal-a label that will give it a particular characteristic-love, anger, pain, fear, envy. We learn the appropriate labels for different states of arousal. In other words, we learn what we are supposed to be feeling in different situations from the society in which we live, from our parents, teachers, friends, and from personal experience. For example, even when the physiological experiences are the same, we know that we are expected to feel delighted when a dear friend comes for a visit, but anxious when being followed on a dark street. And what we are expected to feel has a major influence on what we actually feel.

AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE.

15.Walster and Berscheid explain the combined effect of physiological arousal and a romantic label on the experience of romantic love: To love pa.s.sionately, a person must first be physically aroused, a condition manifested by palpitations of the heart, nervous tremor, flus.h.i.+ng, and accelerated breathing. Once he is so aroused, all that remains is for him to identify this complex of feelings as pa.s.sionate love, and he will have experienced authentic love. Even if the initial physical arousal is the result of an irrelevant experience...once he has met the person, been drawn to the person, and identified the experience as love, it is love (47).

We all know the phenomenon of love on the rebound, when someone who has just come out of a long or significant relations.h.i.+p jumps immediately into another one. Feeling vulnerable and lonesome, the person has a difficult time being alone and is desperate to be coupled again. Folk wisdom warns against love on the rebound because it is seen as fragile and temporary.

The threat of death precipitates the phenomenon of war love. In Israel during the Gulf War, this phenomenon affected couples who had just met, couples of long-standing whose relations.h.i.+ps were cemented by the war, and divorced or separated couples who reunited after spending long hours in shelters.

Stories of hostages who fall in love with their captors never fail to amaze us, and stories about hot romances that started during exciting vacations and unusual adventures delight us. Cruise love even received the recognition of a weekly, comedy show on television.

Every week, viewers of The Love Boat The Love Boat tuned in to watch the exciting affairs of the cruise travelers, affairs that, in the main, were far more exciting than they would have been on land. tuned in to watch the exciting affairs of the cruise travelers, affairs that, in the main, were far more exciting than they would have been on land.

Many people are personally acquainted with the phenomenon of spring fever. This wonderful love ailment strikes during the early days of spring, arriving with the sun, the blossom, and the fresh air after the long gloom of winter. But as the personal experiences that opened this chapter suggest, every major life change causes arousal.

From the exciting yet anxiety-provoking change of starting school or a new job, to a change in residence, to the painful loss of a significant person, major life changes can increase the likelihood of falling in love.

Cindy, a professional woman in her early forties, had decided that she was no longer interested in a committed relations.h.i.+p with a man. "Men are too much trouble" she explained. "You get much 16 more from investing your energy in your career." Yet when her sister, the sole surviving member of her family, died of cancer, Cindy fell in love. She fell in love with a man very different from the kind of men she usually dated and to whom she always deferred. He was a simple, unsophisticated man from an Italian background. He was warm and affectionate, supportive during the last stages of her sister's illness and after her sister's death. The relations.h.i.+p lasted for about a year, the customary period of mourning in Judaism, and was Cindy's most significant romantic relations.h.i.+p as an adult.

STUDYING THE EFFECTS OF AROUSAL ON.

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION.

In the last thirty years a number of fascinating studies have doc.u.mented the impact of arousal on romantic attraction. Several of these studies were conducted by researcher Arthur Aron. Art became interested in the topic of romantic attraction when he fell in love with Elaine, then his girlfriend, now his wife. He conducted an extensive literature search and discovered a number of relevant theories and studies. In one of these studies, two college cla.s.ses were tested for s.e.xual arousal and aggressive feelings. One cla.s.s included students who were angered by a professor who had berated them viciously for having done poorly on a recent test. The second cla.s.s served as a control. Both groups were asked to write stories in response to a projective test. Results showed that the angered group, as evidenced by the explicit s.e.xual content of their stories, was significantly more s.e.xually aroused than the control group (Barclay & Haber, 1965).

Art concluded that people are more likely to be attracted to those they meet during an unusual and exciting experience, an experience that involves the use of force, mystery, loneliness, or powerful emotions. The question he wrestled with was how to create such an experience in the laboratory. The solution he chose was role-play.

In his study, the male students who served as subjects a.s.sumed the role of a soldier who was captured behind enemy lines. The soldier was to be tortured by an interrogator, played by an attractive female research a.s.sistant, trying to force him to reveal army secrets.

The interrogator "tortured" the soldier by dropping "acid" (actually water) into his eye. Each subject was instructed to imagine that the acid caused him unbearable pain, that it burned his eye, that if the torture continued, it would burn his brain and, eventually, cause AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE.

17.a horrible death. The subject was encouraged to scream every time the "acid" touched his eye.

The students really got into the role. They shook and sweated, later reporting that they had felt terrible fear. Even the female a.s.sistant had to be comforted and calmed after going through the difficult experience of "torturing" six "soldiers" every day. A control group, also playing captured soldiers, had water dropped into their eyes, but were told that the water represented the first, easy stages of interrogation.

The results? The young men who went through the hair-raising experience of being "tortured" were far more attracted to their "interrogator" than were the control "soldiers". They expressed a greater desire to kiss her and be close to her. In addition, there were more erotic and romantic themes in the stories they wrote afterwards (Aron & Aron, 1989).

Another study used two bridges over the Capilano river in Vancouver (Dutton & Aron, 1974). The "experimental" bridge was the Capilano Canyon Suspension Bridge (see Figure 3). The bridge is 5 feet wide, 450 feet long, and is constructed of wood boards attached to wire cables that run from one side to the other of the Capilano Canyon. It has many arousal-inducing features: a tendency to tilt, sway, and wobble, creating the impression that one is about to fall over the side; very low handrails of wire cable, which contr ibute to this impression; and a 230- foot drop to rocks and shallow rapids below.

The "control" bridge was a solid wood bridge further upriver. It is only 10 feet above a small, shallow rivulet, has high handrails, and does not FIGURE 3. The Capilano Canyon Suspension tilt or sway.

Bridge 18.When potential male subjects had crossed one of the bridges, an attractive young woman intercepted them. The woman was a research a.s.sistant and unaware of the study's hypothesis. The woman explained that she was doing a project for her psychology cla.s.s on the effects of attractive scenery on creative expression. She then asked if the subject would fill out a short questionnaire, one part of which asked the subject to write a brief dramatic story based on a picture of a woman (see Figure 4 for a picture inspired by the TAT card).

This picture is part of a projective test called the TAT, Thematic Apperception Test. The a.s.sumption is that every person sees the picture differently, according to his or her own psychological screens, and projects onto the figure in the picture his or her own self-perception in relation to others (Murray, 1943). For example, one person may see the woman pictured as s.e.xual: "She is madly in love with a man and just got out of bed after spending a whole night making love to him;"

or, "She's a wh.o.r.e, the place is a wh.o.r.e house, and she has just risen from giving pleasure to her tenth customer of the day." In another person's description, the woman's s.e.xuality may not be mentioned: "She just woke up from a terrible nightmare and is trying to shake it off;"

or, "She has just come home from the fields after working hard all day and is about to lie down and rest."

In the Capilano Br idge study, stor ies were scored for s.e.xual content. Scores ranged from 1 for no s.e.xual content, to 5 for high s.e.xual content, according to how many and what kind of s.e.xual references appeared in the story. A story that mentioned s.e.xual intercourse received five points; but if the strongest s.e.xual reference was "g irlfr iend," it received a score of two; Figure 4. A picture inspired by the Thematic "kiss" counted three Apperception Test (TAT) card. What is the and "lover" four.

story in this picture?

AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE.

19.After the subject had completed the questionnaire, the research a.s.sistant thanked him and offered to explain the experiment in more detail when she had more time. She tore off a corner of a sheet of paper, wrote down her name and phone number, and invited the subject to call if he wanted to talk further. In order to more easily cla.s.sify the callers, men who had crossed the suspension bridge were told that the interviewer's name was Gloria; control subjects who had crossed the safer, wooden bridge were told that her name was Donna.

Results showed that the stories written by the men who went through the heart- and leg-shaking experience of crossing the suspension bridge had significantly more s.e.xual and romantic themes than did the stories of the men who crossed on the safer wood bridge. The aroused men were also more likely to be romantically attracted to, and show an interest in, the woman who interviewed them on the wobbly bridge. This was evident in the fact that many more-eight times more!-of the subjects called Gloria "to find out more about the study." How do we know that it was she they were interested in, and not the study? We know because in a control study done on the same two bridges with a male experimenter, almost none of the male subjects called the experimenter.

Since researchers in field studies don't have complete control, another study was done in the laboratory with male students. As each subject entered a room containing an array of electrical equipment, the experimenter welcomed him and asked him if he had seen another person who was searching for the laboratory. The experimenter then excused himself "to look for the other person,"

and left the subject a copy of an article reporting "previous studies in the area we are investigating." The article discussed the effect of electric shock on pain and learning.

The experimenter reentered the room with the "other subject,"

an attractive female confederate who knew that the study involved s.e.xual attraction but didn't know the experimental hypothesis. The experimenter explained that the study focused on the effects of electric shocks on learning, and emphasized the value and importance of this research. He then asked if either subject chose not to continue.

As expected, no subject requested to leave. The experimenter then said that two levels of shock would be used in the experiment. One shock level was quite painful while the other was "a mere tingle"

that some people even described as enjoyable. To be "completely random," the allocation of shock level was to be determined by the couple's flip of a coin. After the subject and the confederate had flipped a coin and learned the level of shock each could antic.i.p.ate, the experimenter described the procedure, the way the shock series 20 would take place, the method used for hooking them up to electrodes, and so on.

At this point the experimenter said that it would take him a few minutes to set up the equipment. While doing so he said, "I would like to get some information about your feelings and reactions, since these often influence performance." He a.s.signed subject and confederate to separate cubicles, and handed each a questionnaire to complete. The questionnaire included the same TAT picture used in the Capilano Br idge study and two questions which a.s.sessed the male subject's attraction to the female confederate: a) How much would you like to ask her out on a date? b) How much would you like to kiss her?

Results showed that the students who antic.i.p.ated getting severe shocks were significantly more attracted to the female confederate than were subjects who expected weak shocks. More of them had a greater desire to ask her on a date and kiss her, and their TAT stories held far more romantic and s.e.xual themes (Dutton & Aron, 1974).

The arousal that causes romantic attraction does not have to be fear or anxiety. s.e.xual arousal can work just as well. This was demonstrated when male students were invited to take part in a study on university dating. While waiting for their a.s.signed dates, half of them were given an erotic story to read, while the other half were given a boring story about the life of seagulls. Both groups were then given the same description and picture of the woman each subject was about to date. The woman was described as active, smart, easy-going, and liberal; her picture showed an attractive blond. After they read their stories, the men were asked for their opinions of their prospective dates. Results showed that the men who were s.e.xually aroused described the woman as more attractive and s.e.xier than did the men who were not s.e.xually aroused. Furthermore, and I really like this next finding, the men who were s.e.xually aroused described themselves as more attracted to their own girlfriends (Stephan et al., 1971).

Many of us get regular infusions of arousal by going to the movies; some of us translate the arousal into love. In a recent field study, expressions of love and affection, in words and physical gestures, were recorded between couples on their way in and out of movie theaters. Some of the couples watched an action movie, others watched a movie that was less emotionally arousing. Findings of the study showed that the couples who watched the emotionally arousing action movie expressed more affection toward each other after the movie than they did before seeing it. The non-action movie had no effect on the amount of affection expressed by the couples who watched it (Cohen et al., 1989).

AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE.

21.Even when we mistakenly believe that we find someone s.e.xually arousing, the person seems more attractive to us. Male subjects were told that their heartbeats would be amplified and recorded while they looked at ten slides of half-nude Playboy Bunnies. But, in fact, the subject heard not his own heartbeat, but prerecorded heartbeats arranged to beat faster when various, randomly chosen, photographs were projected. In other words, the men believed that their hearts were beating faster in response to certain photographs, when in fact they were not. Then, they were asked to rate the attractiveness of the ten Playboy Bunnies. Results showed that the men rated those women who supposedly made their hearts beat faster as significantly more attractive, and chose their pictures when offered a poster of a Bunny as a token of appreciation for taking part in the study. Even a month later, in a totally unrelated situation, when asked to rate the same ten pictures, they again rated the same women as more attractive (Valins, 1966).

AROUSAL IS NOT ENOUGH.

Obviously, arousal is not enough to make us fall in love. As noted in the two-factor theory of love, after being aroused we still need to meet the right person. The woman whose father had died a short time before she met her boyfriend described the many reasons that made her fall in love with him: "He looked very nice [attraction to good looks] and after talking to him I discovered that he is a good thinker as well [attraction to similar him I discovered that he is a good thinker as well [attraction to similar intelligence and interests]. When I went to his place for dinner, I really intelligence and interests]. When I went to his place for dinner, I really liked his room and his apartment [attraction to similar tastes]. I was liked his room and his apartment [attraction to similar tastes]. I was so comfortable with him that it seemed weird. He is a very good listener. so comfortable with him that it seemed weird. He is a very good listener.

He really understood me. He understood right away what I meant and this was new to me. I think I am a complicated person, but he and this was new to me. I think I am a complicated person, but he understood me. His comments were always right on target. And he understood me. His comments were always right on target. And he was very supportive and understanding about my father and always was very supportive and understanding about my father and always interested in me and in being with me. He was always interested in interested in me and in being with me. He was always interested in what was best for me [attraction to someone who fills important needs]. what was best for me [attraction to someone who fills important needs].

From the very first moment, I was myself with him because I didn't have the energy to be something else. Our relations.h.i.+p was based on have the energy to be something else. Our relations.h.i.+p was based on honesty and this was new for me. [The vulnerability caused by the honesty and this was new for me. [The vulnerability caused by the father's death created a greater openness to intimacy.] Were different, father's death created a greater openness to intimacy.] Were different, but we complement each other. Whatever is lacking in me he has but we complement each other. Whatever is lacking in me he has [attraction to the complementary]."

22.Arousal enhances romantic attraction when a potential candidate is attractive. When the potential candidate is not attractive, the result can be very different. To create either high or low arousal, men were asked to run in place for either two minutes, creating high arousal, or fifteen seconds, creating low arousal. After running, they watched a short video in which they saw a young woman they were going to meet later. By using professional makeup, the researchers made the woman look either very attractive or very unattractive. Results showed that when the woman looked attractive, the arousal caused an increase in the men's attraction to her. But when she looked unattractive, the arousal actually decreased their attraction to her, meaning that the aroused men were even less attracted to her (White et al., 1981).

It is interesting that the nature of an emotional arousal-happiness because of a wonderful victory or sadness about a painful loss- doesn't have an effect, but the attractiveness of the potential partner does. This was demonstrated in a study in which subjects listened to one of three tapes. One-third of the subjects listened to a tape that described the brutal murder of a missionary in front of his family. A second third of the subjects heard one of Steve Martin's funniest comedy routines, and the final third listened to a tape recording of a very boring lecture on the physiology of the frog. Each subject then watched a video clip that showed either a very attractive or a very unattractive woman whom he was going to meet. Once again, results showed that both the arousal and the woman's attractiveness had an effect. The men who were aroused by either the funny tape or the horrible tape found the attractive woman more attractive than did the men who were not aroused by the boring tape. Furthermore, the aroused men found the unattractive woman even less attractive than did the men who were not aroused (White et al., 1981).

WHY DOES AROUSAL INFLUENCE ROMANTIC.

ATTRACTION?.

What causes the aphrodisiac effects of arousal? One explanation is known as misattribution: misattribution: the arousal is attributed, incorrectly, to s.e.xual arousal, when in fact something else causes the arousal-such as fear, as was the case in the Capilano Bridge study.2 Alternatively, the arousal is attributed, incorrectly, to s.e.xual arousal, when in fact something else causes the arousal-such as fear, as was the case in the Capilano Bridge study.2 Alternatively, excitation excitation transfer transfer is operating: the arousal caused by one thing, such as an expected electric shock, is added to the arousal caused by another, an attractive woman. A third explanation is known as is operating: the arousal caused by one thing, such as an expected electric shock, is added to the arousal caused by another, an attractive woman. A third explanation is known as response facilitation: response facilitation: the state AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE the state AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE 23.of arousal resulting from running in place, for example, enhances every other reaction we have, be it attraction or repulsion.

When we are aroused, the origin of the arousal doesn't matter and it doesn't matter whether or not we are aware of the reason.

Arousal automatically reinforces our natural response to any situation, including romantic attraction (Allen et al., 1989). This helps explain the phenomenon of folkdancing love, well-known among people who are hooked on this kind of leisure-time activity. Some such addicts dance four and five days a week. The physical arousal, caused by the dancing, and the emotional arousal, inspired by the music and/or the words of the song, reinforce the dancer's natural response of attraction to the partner. When people are in the midst of the ecstasy of performing a dance they love, to the sound of a song they love, do they say to themselves that the strong excitement they feel toward their dance partner is the result of "misattribution" or "excitation transfer"? Probably not. Neither, in all probability, do they dismiss the excitement they feel as merely resulting from the arousal of the dance rather than the irresistible charm of their partner.

Instead they get excited, attracted, s.e.xually turned on, and, at times, fall madly in love. They don't always fall in love, however. They also need to feel that their partner is an appropriate mate in terms of such things as appearance, age, education, and social cla.s.s. If these prerequisites are satisfied and and they are aroused, then they are far more likely to misattribute their arousal and think they are in love (Walster-Hartfield &Walster, 1981). they are aroused, then they are far more likely to misattribute their arousal and think they are in love (Walster-Hartfield &Walster, 1981).

OBSTACLES ENHANCE LOVE.

Some obstacle is necessary to swell the tide of libido to its height; and at all periods of history whenever natural barriers in the way of satisfaction have not sufficed, mankind has erected conventional ones in order to enjoy love.

-Sigmund Freud, "The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life"

"The less my hope, the hotter my love."

-Terence. Eunuchus, I. 160 B.C.

One of the best sources of folk wisdom about strong emotions such as romantic love is folk songs. "The jukebox, a particularly American inst.i.tution, has long been a rich source of social psychological truths"

wrote James Pennebaker and his colleagues (1979).

24.According to Mickey Gilley's country western song, "all the girls get prettier at closing time." Is it true that when the time for closing the bar draws near, and with it the painful thought of going home alone, the standards go down and the attractions of the available people in the vicinity go up? To test this hypothesis, Pennebaker and his colleagues conducted a study that sounds like it was a lot of fun.

They approached men and women in one of three "drinking establishments within walking distance of a respectable Southern University." Subjects were selected randomly, with the restriction that they not be in conversation with a member of the opposite s.e.x.

They were approached by a same s.e.x experimenter and asked to rate the attractiveness of members of the opposite s.e.x present that night. This was repeated three times: At 9:00 p.m., 10:30 p.m., and midnight, a half-hour before the bars closed. Findings showed a linear increase in attractiveness rating of both men and women. As the hour grew later, the opposite s.e.x in the bar appeared more attractive. The data also showed that men tended to rate women as more attractive than women rated men. A later study showed that this effect was not the result of alcohol consumption.

Why do girls get prettier at closing time? One explanation is offered by reactance theory: when our freedom to act, think, or feel is threatened, we are motivated to try and get it back. Reactance theory explains why people want more the things they have lost, and why, in the case of romantic love, they desire more those people whom they feel they have lost. The theory also explains why obstacles enhance love (Brehm & Brehm, 1981).

To enhance love, says reactance theory, the obstacles need to be outside the relations.h.i.+p, for example an enforced separation or a parental objection. The most famous case of such obstacles to love is, no doubt, the tragic story of Romeo and Juliet.

Does parental interference really enhance love? Researchers who investigated the "Romeo and Juliet Effect" found that for both married and unmarried couples there was indeed a positive correlation between romantic love and parental interference. The greater the interference, the greater the love (Driscoll et al., 1971).

Obstacles also increase attraction. One of the best known studies in social psychology showed that we tend to love more the people for whom we had to work or suffer. In the study, young women had to go through an embarra.s.sing initiation, which included reading aloud very explicit p.o.r.nographic material, to be accepted to a discussion group. These women liked and appreciated the group significantly more than did women who did not have to make such a big effort to join the group (Aronson & Mills, 1972).

AROUSAL, THE ELIXIR OF LOVE.