Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 6

67.SUGGESTIONS FOR THOSE SEEKING LOVE.

Don't look for Prince Charming to come riding on a white horse from a far away land, or for an exotic and mysterious princess to arrive from a distant kingdom. The person who is similar to you in appearance, intelligence, att.i.tudes, interests, emotional maturity, as well as background, is the person with whom you are most likely to live happily ever after. Furthermore, you are likely to find this most appropriate romantic and marriage partner in your nearest and most familiar surroundings. It is the, perhaps metaphorical, boy or girl next door with whom you are most likely to live in harmony and marital bliss. Once you have found someone who is similar to you in the important dimensions, look for someone whose personality complements yours in a way you find exciting and rewarding.

5.S AT I S F Y I N G N E E D S A N D.

R E C I P RO C AT I N G L OV E.

Love at best is giving what you need to get.

-R.McKuen, Stanyan Street and Other Sorrows There are many people who would never have been in love if they had never heard love spoken of.

-La Rochefoucauld, Maximes, Maximes, 1665 1665 Love begets love.

-Theodore Roethke, The Motion The Motion A s we follow the process of falling in love, we move from the conditions that make love likely, that is proximity and arousal, through features of the beloved, beauty and character, to relations.h.i.+p variables such as similarity. In this chapter, we focus on two more variables, namely, what the beloved does for us, and the amorous effect of knowing that the beloved is attracted to us.

Why these two variables? And why are they combined in one chapter? Because studies that investigated who falls in love with whom have identified the important roles played by satisfying needs and reciprocating love. In one such study, men and women were asked to describe in detail a time when they felt especially loving or as if they were falling in love. a.n.a.lysis of their stories showed that the two most frequent causes for feeling loving or falling in love were: (a) the fact that the beloved provided something that the person wanted, needed, or loved; and (b) the fact that the beloved expressed love, need, or appreciation of the person (Shaver et al., 1978).

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT A TIME WHEN YOU WERE IN LOVE, DID YOU FEEL THAT YOUR BELOVED PROVIDED YOU WITH.

SOMETHING YOU WANTED OR VALUED? DID YOU FEEL LOVED?.

69.70.THE BELOVED SATISFIES IMPORTANT NEEDS.

"He is caring and considerate. He's always saying 'make sure that you're doing what you want to do before thinking about me.' When he's with me, doing what you want to do before thinking about me.' When he's with me, I know it's the most important thing." I know it's the most important thing."

"We are very good for each other.... She needed me, she needed someone who would respect her, and I needed her too." who would respect her, and I needed her too."

"He's a very good listener. He really understood me. He got everything I said right off the bat. That was new. I'm a bit complicated but he would get said right off the bat. That was new. I'm a bit complicated but he would get things. When I asked him, 'How did you understand this?' he said, 'I just things. When I asked him, 'How did you understand this?' he said, 'I just listen.' His comments were always right on the ball and he was supportive, listen.' His comments were always right on the ball and he was supportive, friendly, understanding. And he was always interested in me and in being friendly, understanding. And he was always interested in me and in being with me. He's always interested in what's best for me." with me. He's always interested in what's best for me."

"She was so easy to talk to. I could talk to her about anything. She was very understanding." very understanding."

"It's like he's always there for me. He's very supportive."

All of these speakers describe the beloved as someone who satisfies an important need. In slightly over half of the romantic attraction interviews, the interviewee attributed his or her attraction to the fact that the beloved provided something of value.1 Psychoa.n.a.lyst Theodore Reik (1964) believed that people fall in love with each other for selfish reasons. They sense something lacking in themselves and seek the missing quality in a romantic partner.

Thus, each partner provides a portion of the components required for a complete personality. For example, a rational man who is disconnected from his feelings and has difficulty expressing them, is attracted to an emotional woman who has difficulty controlling her emotions. The emotional woman who is uncomfortable expressing her intellect is attracted to the rational man.

The selfishness in this kind of romantic selection is not consciously articulated. The rational man who is attracted to the emotional woman is not saying to himself, "Here is someone who will complete me." What he is thinking, as indeed I was told by such a man, is, "She was cute and lively and seemed like a warm and sensitive person.

She approached me and introduced herself. I tend to be rather closed and uptight with new people, but with her it was very easy. I felt very comfortable in her company." Likewise, the woman is not saying, "Here is a rational man who will complement my emotionalism."

Rather, as the man's wife told me, she is thinking, "He looked very different from other men. He looked like a very smart man, a thinking man, a true intellectual. I was very attracted to him."

SATISFYING NEEDS AND RECIPROCATING LOVE.

71.A similar idea about the utility of our romantic attractions was proposed by Bernard Murstein (1976) who explains who marries whom from the perspective of Social Exchange Theory. Social Exchange Theory. According to this economic model of human behavior, people's romantic choices, just like their market behavior, are motivated by a desire to maximize their earnings and minimize their losses. The more rewards-such as love, support, or s.e.x-that a relations.h.i.+p provides, and the lower the cost of doing what one doesn't want to do, the more satisfying the relations.h.i.+p is and the longer it will last. According to this economic model of human behavior, people's romantic choices, just like their market behavior, are motivated by a desire to maximize their earnings and minimize their losses. The more rewards-such as love, support, or s.e.x-that a relations.h.i.+p provides, and the lower the cost of doing what one doesn't want to do, the more satisfying the relations.h.i.+p is and the longer it will last.

Murstein believes that attraction depends on the "fairest exchange value" of personal a.s.sets and liabilities that each partner brings to the relations.h.i.+p. He views people as rational beings who choose to marry a person who provides them with the best all-around package.

According to Murstein, love is the feeling of mutual satisfaction that two partners derive from knowing that they got the best "exchange value" possible. In other words, they made the best possible deal.

This rather unromantic view of romantic choices is shared by other psychologists and sociologists who are convinced that we are attracted to people who provide us with the most rewards for the lowest price.2 If people behave like rational, calculating, business people in other social relations.h.i.+ps with colleagues, neighbors, and friends, wouldn't they be much more likely to do so when choosing a mate? Accordingly, it has been argued that the ideology of the marketplace has invaded and altered love and s.e.x by transforming intimacies into commodities (Lee, 1998); people pursue the important goal of making a good deal by evaluating, rationally, the alternatives in the market. Here, for example, is the way renowned sociologist Erving Goffman describes such a romantic relations.h.i.+p: "A marriage proposal in our society tends to be a way in which a man sums up his social attributes and suggests to a woman that hers are not so much better as to preclude a merger or a partners.h.i.+p" (1952). Indeed, young urban professionals were said to consider each other's a.s.sets, including country house, income potential, schooling, and family, before deciding on suitable partners.

Does this steely-eyed materialism give a true picture of falling in love? At the beginning of this chapter, I quoted from an interview with a man who felt that both he and his future wife had made a good deal in getting together; he described the exchange between them in far more romantic terms. "We are very good for each" he said. "She needed me, she needed someone who would respect her, and I needed her too.... I feel sorry for people who don't have this kind of relations.h.i.+p. She makes me feel complete. What hurts most about being away from her are the simple things-going to the 72 store, making lunch. The best thing is the actual living. We love each other and we love our relations.h.i.+p."

This man describes love as the main a.s.set that he and his future wife brought to their lives together. Of course, love is only one of the a.s.sets couples bring to relations.h.i.+ps. According to Resource Theory, Resource Theory, people use six categories of resources when interacting with each other: people use six categories of resources when interacting with each other: love, love, warmth, affection, care, and comfort; warmth, affection, care, and comfort; status, status, which can either increase one's sense of self-worth or decrease it; which can either increase one's sense of self-worth or decrease it; information, information, advice or knowledge; advice or knowledge; property, property, money; money; goods, goods, things; and things; and services services such as cooking or car repair (Foa & Foa, 1980). such as cooking or car repair (Foa & Foa, 1980).

In most interactions, people tend to exchange resources of the same kind, they return love when they receive love, and offer help or service when they receive help or service. When people were given descriptions of something they received from a friend-a hug, a compliment, or lecture notes-and were asked how and to what extent they were likely to reciprocate, the data showed clearly that they tended to reciprocate in kind-love for love and service for service (Brinberg & Castel, 1982).

A notable exception to the reciprocity rule of giving what we have received and receiving what we have given, is gender differences in romantic attraction. a.n.a.lysis of personal advertis.e.m.e.nts indicates that women and men tend to offer different things and ask for different things when they are looking for romantic partners (Davis, 1990). We will get back to these differences later.

Dale Carnegie, in his best-selling book How To Win Friends And How To Win Friends And Influence People Influence People (1982), turns the link between attraction and satisfying needs into a recommendation. If you want someone to love you, writes Carnegie, express genuine interest in that person, be pleasant, smile, remember that a persons name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound. Furthermore, be a good listener, encourage the person to talk about him- or herself, talk in terms of interests, make him or her feel important, and give honest and sincere appreciation. A number of studies support Car neg ie's recommendations; we tend to like people who appreciate us and compliment us.3 (1982), turns the link between attraction and satisfying needs into a recommendation. If you want someone to love you, writes Carnegie, express genuine interest in that person, be pleasant, smile, remember that a persons name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound. Furthermore, be a good listener, encourage the person to talk about him- or herself, talk in terms of interests, make him or her feel important, and give honest and sincere appreciation. A number of studies support Car neg ie's recommendations; we tend to like people who appreciate us and compliment us.3 HOW DO WE KNOW THAT THE APPRECIATION WE.

RECEIVE IS HONEST AND SINCERE?.

Well aware that compliments are not always genuine, it is important to us that appreciation not disguise an ingratiation that is aimed at getting us to do or give something. In a number of studies, Edward SATISFYING NEEDS AND RECIPROCATING LOVE 73.Jones (1964), who studied ingratiation extensively, showed that interviewees liked most an evaluator who gave them a positive evaluation, as compared to a neutral or negative evaluation. But the liking dropped sharply when people suspected the evaluator's motives. This finding helps us understand why highly attractive people don't take seriously the compliments they receive for their performances. They a.s.sume, for good reason, that their physical attractiveness has influenced compliments that, in fact, are not genuine.

While we may like people who are positive and pleasant, who compliment us and express appreciation for our views, we respect more the people who are critical. We tend to view such people as more intelligent, even if unpleasant. In a study that demonstrated this, students received two reviews that had appeared in the New York Times Review of Books. New York Times Review of Books. The reviews were similar in style and quality, but one was very positive and the other was very negative. Results of the study showed that the students saw the negative reviewer as more intelligent, competent, and expert, and saw the positive reviewer as a nicer and more pleasant person (Amabille, 1983). The reviews were similar in style and quality, but one was very positive and the other was very negative. Results of the study showed that the students saw the negative reviewer as more intelligent, competent, and expert, and saw the positive reviewer as a nicer and more pleasant person (Amabille, 1983).

Criticism is always difficult to hear, hence Dale Carnegie's rule #1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. It is especially difficult when criticism comes from someone we respect. And it is doubly hard for people with low self-esteem, for whom approval and acceptance provide significant rewards, and criticism and rejection provide powerful punishments. In a cla.s.sic study, people with low self-esteem were found to be more attracted to the people in a group who gave them positive evaluations, and more repelled by the people who gave them negative evaluations (Dittes, 1959).

It is important for people with low self-esteem to ask themselves if they prefer romantic partners who are pleasant, kind, and sensitive, who will compliment them, who will be good company and express genuine interest in them and the things that are important to them.

Or do they prefer someone of superior intelligence, knowledge, and education from whom they can learn? Judgment and criticism can be part of the package when a person with low self-esteem chooses a brilliant and superior person as a romantic partner.

Of course, everyone wants a partner who is pleasant, kind, and sensitive, as well as intelligent and knowledgeable. And obviously a pleasant personality and an intelligent mind are not mutually exclusive. The point here has to do with the effect of one's own self-esteem on one's romantic choices. When a person with low self-esteem chooses a person to admire, the result is an asymmetry in the 74 relations.h.i.+p in which one partner is an admirer and the other the admired. This kind of asymmetry is bound to create problems in the relations.h.i.+p later on. But when both partners in the relations.h.i.+p admire each other, the result is a positive loop of appreciation that can last indefinitely.

People prefer partners who most appropriately gratify important psychological needs, including emotional, intellectual, s.e.xual, spiritual, and social needs. People looking for love need to a.s.sess the full picture of their psychological, as well as physical, needs and determine which needs are most important. These are the needs to look for in a romantic partner. The best candidate for gratifying those needs is someone whose needs are complementary.

COMPLEMENTARY NEEDS.

Plato, the 5th century BC philosopher, had an interesting theory about the origin of love. In The Symposium The Symposium he tells "the myth of Aristophanes." he tells "the myth of Aristophanes."

The myth describes a time primeval when humans were round with four hands and four feet, back and sides forming a circle. They had one head with two faces looking in opposite directions. These humans were also insolent, and the G.o.ds would not suffer such arrogance.

So Zeus punished them by cutting them in two, thereby condemning each half to look for the other. When one half finds the other, "the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friends.h.i.+p and intimacy.... This meeting and melting in one another's arms, this becoming one instead of two is the very expression of 'the ancient need.'...

The reason is that human nature was originally one and we were whole, and the desire and pursuit of that whole is called love."

Primeval humanity was divided into three kinds of people: men, women, and androgynous who were a union of the two. Men had a pair of masculine s.e.x organs, women had a pair of feminine s.e.x organs, and the androgynous had both a masculine and a feminine s.e.x organ.

After humans were cut in two, the man's separate halves that longed to be reunited became h.o.m.os.e.xuals; the woman's separate halves SATISFYING NEEDS AND RECIPROCATING LOVE 75.became lesbians. The separate halves of the androgynous became heteros.e.xuals who are attracted to members of the opposite s.e.x.

According to this Greek myth, people long to find in romantic love that which is missing in themselves. Here we come back to complementarity as a cause of attraction, not in the simplistic formulation of "opposites attract," but in the deeper meaning of mutually satisfying important needs.

Most people, like the split androgynous, fall in love with a person of the opposite s.e.x, a person who has different and compatible s.e.x organs. These biological s.e.x differences are often a.s.sociated with different gender roles. In traditional marriages, men and women are expected to exhibit different a.s.sets and skills and perform different tasks. Bread-winning has been "men's core role" and motherhood "women's core role" (Barnett, 1993).

Even in the growing numbers of egalitarian couples (Rabin, 1995), the attraction of complementary labor remains. A woman who hates cooking will find very appealing a man whose hobby is gourmet cooking; and a man who lacks any mechanical sense is likely to find a woman mechanic especially fascinating.

Robert Winch (1958) believes that love is the experience of two people jointly deriving maximum gratification for important psychological needs. In his theory of complementary needs, he argues that we are attracted to and mar r y people whose psychological needs complement our own. Psychological needs can be complementary in content, as in rational twined with emotional, or in degree, as in an alliance between strong and weak control needs. In a well-known study done over forty years ago, Winch conducted in-depth interviews with twenty-five married couples about their childhoods and current lives. The couples also responded to a series of personality tests. On the basis of the interviews and personality tests, the psychological needs of the couples were rated by five psychoa.n.a.lysts. Their famous conclusion was that people tend to choose marriage partners whose psychological needs complement their own needs-more than they choose partners whose needs are similar to their own.

Romantic partners can also complement each other's s.e.xual needs, intellectual needs, or spiritual needs. While some needs are better gratified when complementary, such as the match between a person who likes teaching and a person who likes to be taught, other needs are better satisfied when both partners share them. Couples who share spiritual journeys, political activism, or leisure time activities, find the actual sharing very rewarding.

76.RECIPROCATING LOVE.

As the next quotes show, for some people, the most attractive thing about a romantic partner is the fact that he or she first found them attractive.

"What attracted me first? Flattery, the fact that she chased me. She did a lot more of the initiating than I did. It was flattering." did a lot more of the initiating than I did. It was flattering."

"He went through three different people to get my phone number."

"She's an attractive person, and she was interested in me, which is obviously attractive." obviously attractive."

"What attracted me to her at first was the fact that she liked me (laughs). She was really attractive." (laughs). She was really attractive."

"What attracted me most was her choosing me. It was kind of strange. Really interesting but kind of strange." strange. Really interesting but kind of strange."

a.n.a.lysis of the romantic attraction interviews shows that in almost half the cases, an indication of attraction and romantic interest by the beloved played an important role in the initial attraction to him or her.4 Feeling desired is clearly very attractive.

Elliot Aronson best summarized the influence of reciprocal attraction: "The single most powerful determinant of whether one person will like another is whether the other likes that person. What's more, merely believing someone likes you can initiate a spiraling series of events that promote increasingly positive feelings between you and the other person" (1998). For example, a man and woman are introduced at a party by a mutual friend and engage in a brief conversation. A few days later, the woman runs into the friend on the street, and the friend tells her that after the party the man had some very complimentary things to say about her, including the fact that he was very attracted to her. How is this woman likely to act next time she and the man meet? Chances are, the woman's knowledge that the man finds her attractive will lead her to like him; and she will behave in a way that lets the man know that she likes him, too. She will probably smile more, disclose more about herself, and generally behave in a more likable manner than if she hadn't learned that the man liked her. Faced with her warm and likable manner, the man's attraction and fondness for her will undoubtedly grow. The man, in turn, will convey his attraction in ways that make him even more attractive to the woman...and so on.

The rule of reciprocity in attraction works even when people a.s.sume erroneously that another person finds them attractive and likable. This was demonstrated in a study in which people were led to believe that another person either liked or disliked them. In SATISFYING NEEDS AND RECIPROCATING LOVE 77.subsequent interaction with the other person, those people who thought they were liked behaved in more likable ways. They were warmer, more pleasant, disclosed more about themselves, and agreed more with the other person than did the people who thought they were disliked. What is more significant for our discussion is that the people who erroneously believed that they were liked, were, in fact, liked more after the interaction. In other words, the behavior of the people who thought they were liked led others to reciprocate in kind (Curtis & Miller, 1986).

This finding demonstrates, once again, the power of romantic attraction as a self-fulfilling prophecy, a power used masterfully by Don Juan, who seduced endless numbers of women by giving each one the feeling that she was the most desirable woman in the world.

People who treat potential partners as if they are exciting, s.e.xy, and attractive, encourage them to respond that way. As we know, pretense influences not only the person on the receiving end, but the actor as well. This was even noted by the Roman poet, Ovid, in his counsel to lovers seeking romantic success: "Often the pretender begins to love truly and ends by becoming what he feigned to be" (Ars Amatoria). (Ars Amatoria).

Positive feelings generate positive feelings. A children's song describes the power of reciprocity of love with charming simplicity: Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny hold it tight you wouldn't have any.

Lend it, spend it, you'll have so many they'll role all over the floor.

A word of caution. It should be obvious that in an ongoing romantic relations.h.i.+p, being loved more than one loves is not a positive experience-definitely not as positive as it was to discover that someone was attracted to you. It can evoke guilt, which can lead to anger, which can lead to some very negative feelings about the person who loves us too much, or more than we want to feel loved. It should be obvious that in an ongoing romantic relations.h.i.+p, being loved more than one loves is not a positive experience-definitely not as positive as it was to discover that someone was attracted to you. It can evoke guilt, which can lead to anger, which can lead to some very negative feelings about the person who loves us too much, or more than we want to feel loved.

People who tend to find themselves in relations.h.i.+ps in which they love too much, know well that it is impossible to force someone to love them. It is also inadvisable to cheat, bribe, seduce, demand, or threaten in order to get love. Forcing love on someone who is clearly uninterested will not make that someone's negative feelings turn into love. The only thing we can influence, to some extent, is our feelings. If we want to live a life of love, we have to be open to love, and we have to choose a romantic partner who is open to loving us.

78.SATISFYING NEEDS VS. RECIPROCATING LOVE.

WHICH PLAYS A GREATER ROLE IN LOVE?.

In romantic attraction, how does the role of feeling loved compare to the other variables we have discussed, such as gratifying needs?

An extensive survey of the stories people told about the partners they chose for love and marriage revealed eleven factors that influence this choice (Aron et al., 1989). Some of these variables have already been discussed and some will arise in later chapters: 1.

Similarity, in att.i.tudes, background, personality traits 2.

Geographic proximity, propinquity Desirable characteristics of personality and appearance Reciprocal affection, or the fact that the other likes us 5.

Satisfying needs Physical and emotional arousal, experience with the unusual Social influences, social norms and the approval of people in our social circle Specific cues in the beloved's voice, eyes, posture, way of moving Readiness for a relations.h.i.+p Opportunities to be alone together, isolation 11.

Mystery, in the situation or the person WHEN YOU CONSIDER YOUR MOST MEMORABLE.

EXPERIENCE OF FALLING IN LOVE, WHICH OF THESE ELEVEN.

VARIABLES PLAYED THE GREATEST ROLE? WHICH OF THE.

VARIABLES DID NOT PLAY A ROLE AT ALL?.

In order to examine the relative influence of these eleven variables, Aron and his colleagues (1989) examined three types of falling-in-love accounts. The first type was a lengthy and detailed account obtained from students who had fallen in love during the previous eight months. The students were asked to think for a few minutes about the experience of falling in love and then write about it in as much detail as possible. Content a.n.a.lysis of the variables in the stories, which averaged three pages, revealed that reciprocal liking was mentioned in practically all the stories. Desirable characteristics SATISFYING NEEDS AND RECIPROCATING LOVE 79.were mentioned in most of the stories, and satisfying needs appeared in less than a quarter of the stories.

The second type of falling-in-love accounts was obtained from partic.i.p.ants in weekend seminars on Love and Consciousness.

Partic.i.p.ants, whose average age was 31, were asked to take part in a ten-minute exercise describing an experience of "developing a strong attraction to someone," of "falling in love," or of "falling in friends.h.i.+p." They were given 1114 cm index cards on which they were told to "Just tell the story"-briefly describing how it happened, what they felt, and what resulted. One hundred of the accounts of falling in love were then compared to one hundred accounts of falling in friends.h.i.+p.

Content a.n.a.lysis revealed that two-thirds of these stories mentioned reciprocal liking and desirable traits of beauty and character in the beloved. Similarity and propinquity appeared in one-quarter to one-third of the stories. Satisfying needs was mentioned in only one-tenth of the stories!

Based on the results of both the long and the short love stories, a questionnaire was built, responses to which const.i.tuted the third kind of falling-in-love account. The respondents were asked to recall their most recent experiences of falling in love, especially the moment when they first felt a strong attraction, and then to rank their feelings on different scales. In the example relevant to this chapter, they were asked to what extent the person you fell in love with "filled your needs." In the a.n.a.lysis of their responses, once again, reciprocal affection and desirable characteristics appeared most frequently as the reasons for falling in love. Filling needs was mentioned in only about one-third of the cases.

It is interesting to note that the falling-in-friends.h.i.+p accounts gave relatively more emphasis to similarity and propinquity and somewhat less emphasis to reciprocal liking, desirable characteristics, and filling needs (Aron et al., 1989).

Why was filling needs mentioned so infrequently in all three types of the accounts of falling in love? One explanation is that satisfying needs is something people are uncomfortable admitting.

We all prefer to believe that falling in love is pure of selfish motives.

Aron and his colleagues asked people directly whether their beloved filled an important need for them. It is possible that respondents reported the socially desirable answer rather than the full extent to which filling needs affected their experiences.

80.In the romantic attraction study, young men and women described the development of their most significant romantic relations.h.i.+ps.

From these descriptions it is possible to infer how often filling significant needs played a role in the romantic attraction. When a young woman says, "He is very loving and makes every effort so I will enjoy myself. Like he knows that I like champagne, so he always buys champagne when I arrive," it is quite obvious that what the man does for her plays a role in her attraction toward him. And when a man says, "What attracted me at first was that she used to buy things for me," it is clear that his attraction to her is a.s.sociated with her actions. Indeed, as was noted earlier, over half the romantic attraction interviews, as compared to less than a third of the cases in Aron's studies, reported that the partner's providing something of value, or satisfying an important need, was part of the initial attraction.

And when needs are complementary, the satisfaction is mutual.

The best way to end this chapter is with the finding I quote most often to couples I work with. Over time, the love and rewards that people give are related to the love and rewards that they receive from romantic relations.h.i.+ps (Robinson and Price, 1980).

SUGGESTIONS FOR PEOPLE SEEKING LOVE.

Use both the power of the reciprocity of love as well as the power of need satisfaction. Starting with need satisfaction, it is important to address both your needs and the needs of your potential partner. In other words, what do you want and what are you willing to give? If you want to have your needs met in a romantic relations.h.i.+p, you should first figure out what your most important needs are. Is your need to be listened to and validated? To be challenged and stimulated?

To be cared for and supported? Once you figure out what it is that you are looking for in a romantic partner, you can look at a potential partner's willingness or ability to provide it. If the clear answer is no, it is better to look elsewhere. Since you now know that people are attracted to partners who have either similar or opposite needs, your search can be more focused, preferably leading you to someone whose needs complement your own.

The best strategy with a promising candidate is to be attentive, open, warm, and pleasant. Show interest and be a good listener; give honest and sincere appreciation only. But most importantly, be sensitive to your partner's needs and respect his or her right to feel, think, and do things differently-even if you are convinced that your way of expressing care is the right way. Insensitive and excessive SATISFYING NEEDS AND RECIPROCATING LOVE 81.giving is as destructive to romantic relations.h.i.+ps as withholding and distancing your love.

The information about the reciprocity of love leads to a more general recommendation. Do not hold back love waiting for the perfect partner. Giving love freely and generously to the less than perfect people who happen to cross your path can a.s.sure you of receiving many coins of love from the people around you. Among them you just might find your beloved. If we want to live a life of love we need to start the cycle of love. And then, very often, the love we give will come back to us in wonderful ways.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? Why it is then that so many people don't do this and sentence themselves to loveless lives? Why are some people attracted to those who torment them, cause them pain, and reject them? Why are so many attracted to those who don't reciprocate their love? These kinds of questions are addressed in the second part of the book.

6.FA L L I N G I N L OV E A S A P RO C E S S.