Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 8

His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are wavy, as black as a raven...

- The Song of Songs, The Song of Songs, Old Testament WOMEN TALK ABOUT THE REASONS THAT MADE THEM Old Testament WOMEN TALK ABOUT THE REASONS THAT MADE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH THEIR PARTNERS.

I was attracted to his personality. I also thought he was very s.e.xy. was attracted to his personality. I also thought he was very s.e.xy.

He carried himself well and dressed nicely. He was a very real and honest person. He comes off as being very confident, almost c.o.c.ky. honest person. He comes off as being very confident, almost c.o.c.ky.

That's what attracted me to him.... He is a very loving person.

There's nothing he wouldn't do."

97.98."We were both in an orchestra, so at first it was just as friends.

When I saw him for the first time it was totally dark, and he started talking about the stars. He knew all about astronomy and astrology talking about the stars. He knew all about astronomy and astrology and seemed very knowledgeable. But he was also very funny and had and seemed very knowledgeable. But he was also very funny and had an odd sense of humor.... I felt comfortable talking to him. I felt we an odd sense of humor.... I felt comfortable talking to him. I felt we were compatible in many ways." were compatible in many ways."

"We met at a party. I ignored him. I was with someone else. He asked around, discovered where I worked, and came after me. It was very asked around, discovered where I worked, and came after me. It was very pa.s.sionate. I thought he was handsome.... He was very reserved and pa.s.sionate. I thought he was handsome.... He was very reserved and that attracted me. He keeps things close. Feels like he's special. He's that attracted me. He keeps things close. Feels like he's special. He's busy all the time. He has three businesses and works all the time." busy all the time. He has three businesses and works all the time."

"He noticed me before I noticed him.... He looked too old for me but he was always there to listen. He is very reliable. If he says he'll do something, was always there to listen. He is very reliable. If he says he'll do something, I know he'll do it. He takes care of me and he's loving. He spoils me." I know he'll do it. He takes care of me and he's loving. He spoils me."

MEN TALK ABOUT THE REASONS THAT MADE.

THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH THEIR PARTNERS.

"She's very pretty. I was attracted to her. I talked to her and we have a lot in common. She was very responsive and fun, intelligent." in common. She was very responsive and fun, intelligent."

"I thought she was really striking. I was really attracted to her. I don't like picking up women but I was so attracted to her that I came over and started picking up women but I was so attracted to her that I came over and started small talk." small talk."

"She was good-looking. I immediately noticed that. Then I saw she was friendly and we had things in common. She was pretty and nice. I got along friendly and we had things in common. She was pretty and nice. I got along with her." with her."

"I remember thinking that she was pretty. What attracted me most was her looks, at first. Later, that she's great. She's nice.... There was something her looks, at first. Later, that she's great. She's nice.... There was something about her, she would put my mind at ease." about her, she would put my mind at ease."

"She's a very pretty woman. What attracted me first was her looks. Later, she's very much like me. She's giving towards me. She cares a lot." she's very much like me. She's giving towards me. She cares a lot."

"She's very attractive, very pretty. Good looks rank higher for me than it does to the average person. She knows she's attractive...has presence...is does to the average person. She knows she's attractive...has presence...is very aware, a serious person." very aware, a serious person."

GENDER DIFFERENCES IN ROMANTIC ATTRACTION.

Do these quotes suggest a gender difference in the romantic choices of men and women? Most of the attraction variables presented in ON GENDER AND LOVE, STATUS AND BEAUTY 99.the first chapters of the book did not. Men and women seem to be equally influenced by physical proximity, arousal, pleasant personality traits, similarity, satisfying needs, and reciprocity in love.1 Only the importance of physical appearance revealed a significant difference between men and women. Most of the men, as compared to less than half of the women, mentioned physical appearance as triggering the initial attraction to their partners. Furthermore, men described physical appearance as playing a far more significant role in their romantic attractions.2 Other studies, as well, have doc.u.mented a gender difference in the effect of physical appearance on romantic attraction. Particularly persuasive evidence was provided by Alan Feingold (1992) who reviewed studies based on questionnaires; studies based on personal ads; studies that examined the impact of physical beauty on popularity with the opposite s.e.x; and studies that manipulated the attractiveness of members of the opposite s.e.x.3 All four types of studies showed a gender difference in the predicted direction: physical appeal, even if important to women, is far more important for men.

It is noteworthy that the gender difference found in men's and women's responses to questionnaires was larger than the difference found in their actual behavior. In other words, men are less influenced by women's appearance than they say, and women are more influenced by men's appearance than they say. What they say may reflect social expectations more than personal preferences.

While men emphasize physical attractiveness, women more often look for social and economic status, ambition, strong character, and intelligence in a potential mate. The greatest gender difference was found in the attraction to status and ambition, which are related to a man's earning ability. Indications that men are more romantically attracted to beauty, and women to status, were found to be valid in studies totaling hundreds of subjects in different age groups and in different cultures. No gender difference was found in the attraction to such traits as a pleasant personality and a good sense of humor: both men and women like and value these qualities equally.

The following is a list of attributes that some people consider in their decisions to marry. Please rate on a 7-point scale (where 1=not at all, and 7=very much) to what extent you would be interested in marrying someone who ___ is younger by five years or more.

___ was married in the past.

___ has children.

100.___ is not likely to hold a steady job.

___ belongs to a different religion.

___ is of a different race.

___ will earn far less money than you will.

___ will earn far more money than you will.

___ is not physically attractive.

___ has more education than you have.

___ has less education than you have.

___ is older by five years or more.

This very list was presented to an unusually large and representative sample that included over 13,000 single men and women, age 19 to 35, from different social cla.s.ses. The results of the study showed, once again, that beauty as well as youth are more important to men than to women, while earning ability is more important to women than to men.

Women were more willing than men to marry someone unattractive, or someone older by five years or more, if that someone earned more and had more education than they did. Men, on the other hand, were more willing than women to marry someone younger by five years or more, someone who was not likely to hold a steady job, who was likely to earn far less, and be less educated than they were (Sprecher et al., 1994).

Is it personal economic shortages that lead women to put such an emphasis on financial resources? Not necessarily. In a recent study, young men, young women, middle-aged men, and middle-aged women were asked about their criteria for choosing a mate. The four groups were asked to (a) estimate their own earning potential; and (b) rate the importance of various characteristics in a potential mate. Results of the study showed that men gave a higher rating to "a nice looking appearance" while women gave a higher rating to "good economic potential." Nothing new so far. However, there was a correlation between the income young women, themselves, expected to earn and the income they wanted a potential partner to earn. The higher the personal income, the more importance women gave to the income of their partners. In other words, the emphasis was not the result of a personal lack of economic resources. The fact that this correlation did not exist among older women suggests that the variables that influence romantic attraction can change during different stages of life and different periods of history (Weiderman & Allgeier, 1992).

Another study used photographs of models and models in bathing suits to demonstrate gender differences in (a) the ability ON GENDER AND LOVE, STATUS AND BEAUTY 101.

to determine romantic attraction by means of visual scan; and (b) what types of information men and women need in addition to a visual scan. Results showed, once again, that for men a visual scan of a potential partner's "physical attributes" was enough to establish a "pool of coitally acceptable partners." For women, information about a partner's "nonphysical attributes," such as ambition, status, and dominance, was needed to establish a pool of partners who were potentially acceptable for s.e.xual liaisons and "higher investment relations.h.i.+ps," which is to say, marriage (Townsend & Wa.s.serman, 1998).

WHAT ARE WOMEN AND MEN ASKING FOR,.

AND WHAT ARE THEY OFFERING?.

A content a.n.a.lysis of 1000, cla.s.sified, "lonely hearts" ads shows that men seek "cues to reproductive value"-physical appearance and youth-while women seek "cues revealing an ability to acquire resources"-maturity and actual or potential financial security.

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FIGURE 8. The Personals. The Personals. What are women and men asking for and what are they offering? What are women and men asking for and what are they offering?

102.

who favor long-term, monogamous relations.h.i.+ps (Greenlees & McGrew, 1994). (See examples of "lonely hearts" ads in Figure 8.) Other studies show that, more frequently than women, men engage in s.e.xual fantasies about someone other than a partner, and may pursue someone else while in a dating relations.h.i.+p (Yarab et al., 1998). When male and female students were asked about the physical appearance and professional level of an acceptable partner at various degrees of intimacy and commitment, women were more likely to prefer, or insist, that s.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps occur in the context of intimate emotional involvement with the possibility of marriage (Townsend & Levy, 1990). Not surprisingly, s.e.x appeal as a specific element in physical attraction was also found to be far more important in the romantic interest of men than in women's romantic interest (Cunningham, 1986). While physical attractiveness is more important to men, quality of communication is more important to women (Sprecher & Duck, 1994).

Age is another variable that affects the different romantic choices of men and women. An examination of personal ads in the United States, the Philippines, Europe, and India shows that young men prefer women their own age, but as they grow older, their preferences change to younger women. The age preference of women doesn't change as they age but remains steady for men older than themselves (Kenrick & Keefe, 1992). An examination of marriage licenses granted during the fifty-year period between 19281978 also shows that in 75 percent of the cases, the husband was older than the wife (Patterson & Pettijohn, 1982).

As we have seen, men and women also differ in their preferences for height in a mate. While the majority of women prefer a man who is taller than they are (Pierce, 1996), most men prefer women who are shorter than they are. As a matter of fact, shortness is more of a liability for a man than tallness is an a.s.set (Jackson & Ervin, 1992). Women not only prefer to look up to their husbands, they also tend to marry up, while men tend to marry down, leaving unmarried women at the top of the worlds of politics, science, and business, and unmarried men in prison at the bottom.

Men and women are attracted to different personality traits. One such personality trait is dominance. Four different studies showed that expressions of dominance in men increased their s.e.xual appeal for women. Dominant behavior does nothing to enhance women's attractiveness to men. Interestingly, while dominant behavior increased the s.e.xual appeal of men, it did not increase the degree to which they are liked (Sadalla et al., 1987).

ON GENDER AND LOVE, STATUS AND BEAUTY.

103.

Does this mean that women are s.e.xually attracted to all dominant men? Not necessarily, because in order to appeal to women, dominant men have to demonstrate other traits as well, such as a willingness to help, empathic ability, and a willingness to cooperate. Presumably, such men are more likely to invest in their offspring (Ellis, 1992).

The attraction of women to dominant yet helpful men was demonstrated in three studies in which young women watched a video showing a man being dominant, or not; and helpful and cooperative, or not. Findings showed that women found the men who were cooperative and helpful much more attractive physically and s.e.xually, and more socially desirable as potential mates. Dominant men were found to be more appealing than submissive men, but only when they were helpful and cooperative. Men who were dominant and egotistical did not appeal to women (Jensen-Campbell et al., 1995).

WHAT CAUSES THE GENDER DIFFERENCES.

IN ROMANTIC ATTRACTION?.

In their separate answers to this question, two theories-one, evolutionary, the other, psychoa.n.a.lytic-rest on an a.s.sumption that gender differences in romantic attraction are real. Conversely, the separate answers of two social theories rest on an a.s.sumption that these gender differences are not not real. One social theory explains the differences as the operation of s.e.x-role stereotypes; the other argues that individual differences in romantic attraction are more significant than gender differences. If you are not interested in any of these explanations, you can skip right to the recommendations for people seeking love. For those who are interested, I will discuss each theory in some detail. real. One social theory explains the differences as the operation of s.e.x-role stereotypes; the other argues that individual differences in romantic attraction are more significant than gender differences. If you are not interested in any of these explanations, you can skip right to the recommendations for people seeking love. For those who are interested, I will discuss each theory in some detail.

GENDER DIFFERENCES IN ROMANTIC ATTRACTION: EVOLUTIONARY THEORY.

According to evolutionary theory, gender differences in romantic attraction are the result of biological differences between mammalian males and females. Because only females give birth, their investment in their offspring through gestation, birth, and nursing is far greater than the male's. In addition, women can produce far fewer offspring over a limited duration, while men can produce offspring from p.u.b.erty until they die. As a result, men and women are attracted to 104 different qualities in their potential mates. A woman looks for a man who is willing to commit to her and her offspring, and who is able to provide for them; a man looks for a woman who can bear children.

In other words, different requirements for genetic survival dictate different criteria for mate selection in the two s.e.xes. In men, evolution dictates preferences for qualities that indicate a woman's ability to procreate, namely, youth and beauty. In women, evolution dictates preferences for qualities that indicate a man's ability to obtain resources, namely, earning potential and status.

She Loves His Success, He Loves Her Youth And Beauty If romantic attraction is the result of genetic imprints that are different in men and women, these imprints cause each gender to be attracted to different qualities in potential mates. The evolution of these, and other, s.e.x differences is one of the central themes in Darwin's theory. If romantic attraction is the result of genetic imprints that are different in men and women, these imprints cause each gender to be attracted to different qualities in potential mates. The evolution of these, and other, s.e.x differences is one of the central themes in Darwin's theory.

Charles Darwin (1871) believed that evolution occurs in a continuing process of change through which different traits are selected because of their greater adaptability to environmental demands. This process of "natural selection" favors those individuals who adapt better to their environments. The evidence for "good adaptation" is simple- more offspring in the next generations. A trait appears by chance, is found to serve the ability to produce offspring who can survive, and reappears through natural selection.

To these basic Darwinian concepts, modern sociobiologists added the term "parental investment," meaning the energy invested by parents in giving birth and raising an offspring.4 Sociobiologists argue that the larger the difference between the s.e.xes in their parental investment, the larger the differences between their criteria for romantic attraction.

In humans, the differences between the s.e.xes start with the difference between the sperm and the egg. The slow-moving egg is 50,000 times larger than the fastmoving sperm. Women release one egg per month, as compared to hundreds of millions of sperm produced by men every day. This is why, says evolutionary psychologist Ada Lumpert (1998), a woman is very cautious about her egg, while a man spreads his sperm around. Sperm is cheap and the man has nothing to lose. The further and faster he wanders, the greater his chances of success. A woman carries the baby in her womb for nine months; she nurses and takes care of the baby after the birth. A man invests something like ten pleasant minutes in pa.s.sing his sperm into the womb of his partner; even if we add the time involved taking her to the maternity ward, the difference in time invested is still very large. Because her parental investment is so much greater than his, the optimal way for the female ON GENDER AND LOVE, STATUS AND BEAUTY 105.

to ensure having as many healthy offspring as possible is characterized by caution; his way, by speed. Since she is going to invest so much time and energy in her offspring, she has to be very sure before she starts that they will survive.

The difference between her caution and his speed puts them in the stereotypical situation in which he pushes her to agree to s.e.xual activity, and she resists, saying, "Wait." So he waits and she a.s.sesses his loyalty. Will he stay with her after they make love? Will he help her raise their offspring? He promises he will. So they make love, and she is exposed to the danger that despite his promise he will get up and leave. Dishonesty is a common strategy and everyone can promise eternal love. The greatest danger a woman must guard against is a man's abandonment of her and her offspring. So the female guards with extra caution, her instincts tuned to detecting liars. She searches for a man who is loyal, who doesn't abandon, but stays and lends a hand.

An examination of the romantic attraction interviews indicates that loyalty is indeed an attractive male trait for women. "He is very reliable. If he says he'll do something, I know he'll do it." "He is honest, he is moral, he is smart, he is responsible, he is everything you can want." "He goes out of his way to help people, and you can rely on him. He doesn't play the kind of games that some men play with women." "I can trust him. He's responsible." "With him I know that if he says he'll be somewhere, he's really going to be there."

Sociobiologist David Buss (1994) emphasizes the role of evolutionary processes in creating different mating strategies for men and women. Since women can have a smaller number of children than men can, women look for men of means who can provide for them and their offspring. This is why women measure men according to their earning potentials, as seen in their status, money, ambition, and diligence, and why they are attracted to expressions of love, such as expensive restaurants and gifts, that demonstrate men's economic resources. Alternatively, from adolescence through old age, men can produce children; so men measure women according to their youth, health, and beauty, and are attracted to shows of affection that symbolize a woman's fertility.

Buss organized a huge cross-cultural study that involved over fifty researchers and close to ten thousand people in thirty-three countries, six continents, and five islands. Once again a consistent gender difference was found in the importance of earning potential versus physical attractiveness. Women gave the greatest weight to signs of men's earning potential-ambition and hard work-while men gave the greatest weight to signs of women's fertility-youth and beauty (Buss et al., 1990).

106.

Many other studies have examined a particular culture or a certain aspect of mate selection. A study of mate preferences among the Kipsigis women in Kenya, for example, found that the women prefer men who offer "high quality breeding" as evidenced by their numbers of inhabitable acres of land. Furthermore, Kipsigis women prefer single men, followed by monogamous men, and, finally, polygamous men. When several women are married to one man, even a rich man, it reduces the "quality of breeding" they can provide for their offspring. Kipsigis women try to minimize this risk as much as they can when choosing a mate (Mulder, 1990).

A study done in India showed that while physical appearance is important to both both men and women, caste and economic security exercise different gender appeal. Indian men will ignore the economic security of a potential partner if she is from a similar caste, while women will ignore the caste of the man if he is sure to provide economic security (Suman, 1992). men and women, caste and economic security exercise different gender appeal. Indian men will ignore the economic security of a potential partner if she is from a similar caste, while women will ignore the caste of the man if he is sure to provide economic security (Suman, 1992).

Men And Women, Love And s.e.x Evolutionary psychologists argue that while birds as well as humans exhibit the connection between mate selection and parental investment, romantic attraction intervenes in humans as the "active ingredient" in mate seeking, courts.h.i.+p, and flirting (Trost & Alberts, 1998). While romantic love was co-opted by evolutionary forces to maintain the pair bond, humans, or more specifically, human males, have evolved both short-term and long-term "reproductive strategies" (Kirkpatrick, 1998). In short-term mating, men have faced the "adaptive problem" of finding s.e.xually accessible women. As a result, men express a preference for s.e.xual availability in short-term partners. Such short-term partners require different attraction tactics than long-term romantic partners. Indeed, when the effectiveness of different mate-attraction tactics was evaluated, a show of resource potential was judged most effective for men seeking a long-term mate, whereas furnis.h.i.+ng immediate resources (giving money or buying a drink), was judged most effective for men seeking short-term partners (Schmitt & Buss, 1996).

Similar findings emerged when men and women, age 17 to 43, were asked about the tactics they use to attract potential marriage partners. Women who expected an investing partner said that they tried to attract him by behaving modestly and emphasizing their s.e.xual fidelity. Women who expected a non-investing partner flaunted their s.e.xuality in order to get pre-parental investment from as large a number of men as possible. Men who believed that one should ON GENDER AND LOVE, STATUS AND BEAUTY 107.

invest in children were more likely than other men to emphasize this willingness and ability to invest as a way to attract women. They were also likely to emphasize their s.e.xual fidelity. Men who did not believe in the importance of investing in children demonstrated their s.e.xuality and their attraction to women as a way to attract them (Cashdan, 1993).

Emphasizing those traits in yourself that are likely to attract the opposite s.e.x may seem a legitimate and acceptable tactic, but it can also be considered deception. Not surprisingly, there are gender differences in "patterns of deception" in "mating strategies." When men talk to other men, they tend to exaggerate their success in general, and their s.e.xual conquests in particular. On the other hand, when they talk to women, men exaggerate their commitment, their honesty, and their ability to generate resources. Women try to enhance their physical appearances in the company of men as part of a strategy for attracting a mate (Tooke & Camire, 1991).

One of the biggest differences between men and women has to do with their approaches to s.e.x without love.5 A famous study on this subject was done by Douglas Kenrick and his colleagues (1993).

Young men and women specified their minimum criteria for twenty-four different traits when evaluating (a) a date, (b) a s.e.xual partner, (c) an exclusive dating partner, (d) a marriage partner, and (e) a one-night s.e.xual liaison. Findings showed that gender differences were greatest for casual s.e.xual liaisons, with men's criteria consistently lower than women's. Men's criteria were as high as women's criteria for marriage partners.

Similar findings are reported in a recent study that compared men's and women's minimum standards for short-term and long-term relations.h.i.+ps. Once again it was found that both men and women expressed higher minimum standards for long-term relations.h.i.+ps, and that women were far more selective than men when considering potential short-term mates (Regan, 1998).