Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 12

Some experiments studying mindsets involved giving different types of praise to two groups of children who had succeeded in the same task. Some children were told, "You must be very smart," while another group was told, "You must have tried very hard." The second group was significantly more willing than the first to try a new task that they were told would be more challenging and that they might learn something while trying to solve it. 9 9 What such research has shown is that well-meaning comments that de- scribe kids in fixed terms, such as, "You're smart," or, "You're a natural athlete,"

can actually have negative results: A child may fear that if he fails, he won't be valued as "a smart kid"; or she may feel something like, "I impressed them this this time, but what happens when they find out I'm not really much of an athlete?" time, but what happens when they find out I'm not really much of an athlete?"

In a family atmosphere that supports learning, parents praise the willing- ness to make necessary efforts. They recognize achievements while making clear that their affection is not contingent on success. They try new activities with their children as well as sharing familiar pleasures and talk frankly about what they have learned from their own mistakes.

Q: One aspect of parenting that continues to amaze and challenge me is how different my children are from each other. How can I recognize and encourage their individual strengths?

A: A friend of mine was being visited by her son for a few days, during which he offered to help her shop for a new car. By the end of the visit, she was still undecided about even what make of car she wanted. He was impatient, feeling that they had spent plenty of time on a relatively easy decision. She thought she needed more information before making a major purchase. "I think he was irritated with me," she commented.

What's interesting about this story is that both these people are health professionals. The mother began her career as a rehabilitation nurse and now is a project manager developing health education programs. Her first job required much patience and sensitivity to tiny signs of progress. For the current job she needs to ama.s.s enough accurate information to justify launching a project, and she has to think through everything that might come up during its implementation. Her son is an emergency room physician-he has to collect the 137 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief right information quickly, often without enough time to collect all the information he would like to have before making life-and-death decisions. Their tension over how to reach a decision grew from different personal strengths that serve each of them well. They are both fortunate to have found circ.u.mstances where they can take advantage of their respective strengths-circ.u.mstances that are likely to lead to an increased daily experience of flow.

The understanding of character strengths and how to nurture them is an active field of research. A "character strength" is a personal att.i.tude or pattern of behavior that helps get through life in a constructive, satisfying way. Many researchers in this area focus on twenty-four strengths that are quite varied; for example, the VIA [Values in Action] Cla.s.sification of Character Strengths and Virtues includes persistence, kindness, grat.i.tude, and humor. 10 10 These strengths are not unchanging characteristics; while each person will tend to be stronger in certain areas, we can increase a strength if we choose to make the effort. And, we may change over time: One study found that, on average, adolescents and adults show different strengths. 11 11 It is important for parents using these ideas to understand that . . . The . . . [VIA] understanding of character goes beyond "having it"

or not. These scholars found character to be "plural with individual dif- ferences that are stable and general, but also . . . capable of change."

Individuals are found to exhibit particular, unique constellations of character strengths which can be identified and nurtured. . . . Unlike the more common one-size-fits-all conceptualizations of "good character"

(e.g., all children should possess a set of six character traits), VIA a.s.serts that each person has their own profile of positive characteristics. . . ." 12 12 While it can't be said that that one strength is "better" than another, there are studies suggesting that some strengths are more strongly correlated with life satisfaction. 13,14 13,14 Understanding their children's strengths can help parents in a number of ways: * By giving us a different lens on children's behavior. For example, a child who seems to be dawdling on the way to school, or while on an errand with you, might be slowing down to notice the silvery trails that snails leave on leaves, exhibiting curiosity curiosity by wondering how they got there, or by wondering how they got there, or appreciation appreciation by simply admiring their beauty. by simply admiring their beauty.

138.* By helping us encourage our children to use their strengths, which is both intrinsically enjoyable and a source of positive outcomes. (For example, doing science experiments with your child encourages curiosity and crit- ical thinking and and broadens her knowledge of the natural world.) broadens her knowledge of the natural world.) * By helping us see when apparent "faults" are actually strengths that need to be moderated or re-channeled. For example, "stubbornness" can be persistence that needs to be re-channeled into finding a different way to reach a goal.

* By giving us a way to help our children think about interpersonal differences.

* By giving families a way to deepen their bonds while engaging in activities that increase various strengths. (I encourage looking for ways for the entire family entire family to engage in such activities; you avoid the risk of seeming to disapprove of your child when pointing out areas that could be strengthened. When the whole family works together, the message is that we to engage in such activities; you avoid the risk of seeming to disapprove of your child when pointing out areas that could be strengthened. When the whole family works together, the message is that we all all have room to grow.) have room to grow.) Q: As my children move into their teen years, I find myself worrying about the growing influence of their peers. How can I best understand this transition?

A: We are social animals. Thousands of pages have been written about what that means for all aspects of our lives. And much of what we know-for ex- ample, how important it is that children be securely attached to their caregivers-is true for all families, regardless of their beliefs. Rather than repeat universally relevant information, I want to talk about something that is especially significant for humanist parents.

Parents hope that their children will choose appropriate friends who are a positive influence. At the same time, here in the United States at least, when kids reach their early teens, parents become especially worried about "peer pressure." Parents also worry about the "cliquishness" of teenage social groups.

The special twist for freethinking parents is that we are probably more concerned than average about independent thinking and the ability to "go against the crowd."

Concerns about conformity look different when you think about what adult friends.h.i.+ps are like. Even those of us who enjoy meeting and learning from people who are different from ourselves have a special place in our lives for friends who are similar to us. For example, atheists frequently express their desire to meet "like-minded" people. In the best friends.h.i.+ps, not only do we 139 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief feel more comfortable around like-minded people, we know we can count on them to give advice (when needed) that's in accordance with our values, to challenge us to live up to our standards, to understand our moods without detailed explanations. We also understand that there are different levels of friends.h.i.+p. For example, your golf buddy may or may not be someone you'd talk with about emotional problems.

It's not so different for our teens. They want the same things, just more intensely. 15 15 Our teens are learning how to choose truly compatible friends, how to maintain friends.h.i.+ps, how to recognize the obligations and limits of loyalty. Acquiring these skills is an important part of their transition to adulthood. It's also important to their growing independence from their parents. We won't be around forever to provide advice and emotional support. Our kids Our teens are learning how to choose truly compatible friends, how to maintain friends.h.i.+ps, how to recognize the obligations and limits of loyalty. Acquiring these skills is an important part of their transition to adulthood. It's also important to their growing independence from their parents. We won't be around forever to provide advice and emotional support. Our kids need to learn which other people to reach out to, and how.

One of my happiest moments during my daughter's adolescence was when she was talking to me about a difficult relations.h.i.+p. By then she had patiently trained me to ask, "Do you want my advice or my sympathy?" I was listening sympathetically when she said, "I know what I'll do! I'll ask Adi. She always has good advice." Adi was one of her oldest friends, and I could honestly reply, "Good idea!" Adi's advice was excellent, and my daughter's ability to ask the right person for advice, and then to follow that advice, gave me confidence in her future happiness.

This is not to say that we shouldn't be concerned about how hurtful teens can be when they exclude or tease their peers. At best it's the clumsiness that comes with learning new skills; at worst it is intolerance and bullying that calls for adult intervention. It's essential that we give our children respect and unconditional affection so that they will refuse to settle for less from their friends.

It's also important to take seriously the ups and downs of our children's friends.h.i.+ps; remember how powerful those experiences were for you when you were a teen and be as supportive as you can. In particular, be sensitive and cautious when your child is deciding whether the way someone has treated him or her means that the friends.h.i.+p should be ended or that the friend should be confronted. Those kinds of decisions are important preparation for adult life. (Yes, that's a.s.suming they want your opinion. Often they prefer to stum-ble through on their own).

Finally, be careful when deciding to discipline a teen by "grounding" him or her. Think of it this way: We no longer think it's appropriate to send a misbehaving child to bed without dinner, because he needs that nutrition for his growth. In the same way, most teens need the emotional sustenance of their 140friends.h.i.+ps. If a group of friends have seriously misbehaved together (for example, by playing a stupid prank or drinking and driving), then their time together should be supervised, and maybe limited. But if a generally well-behaved kid makes a more normal and minor mistake like skipping some ch.o.r.es, that's not grounds for grounding.

Q: I have very mixed feelings about fantasy. It seems to me that we humans tend to cling to imaginary things instead of seeking the beauty in reality. On the other hand, my reading as a kid was all about dragons and elves; I loved it and never confused it with the real world. As a humanistic parent, what place should I expect fantasy and imagination to have in my kids' world?

A: They belong somewhere very close to the center of that world.

In his introduction to The Log from the Sea of Cortez The Log from the Sea of Cortez, John Steinbeck wrote, "The impulse that drives a man to poetry will send another man into the tide pools and force him to report what he finds there." If anybody could say that with confidence, it would be a novelist on a scientific expedition. This remark was a profound comment on human nature: Both art and and science spring from human tendencies to seek patterns in the world around us and to wonder, science spring from human tendencies to seek patterns in the world around us and to wonder, "What if . . . ?"

Steinbeck's deceptively simple comment has a powerful message for hu- manist parents. It is just as important to encourage our children's imagination and artistry as it is to encourage their reasoning abilities and love for science.

Humanist parents surely do do encourage imagination and artistry as much as other parents. But in our public discussions, these concerns are overshadowed by worries about the influences of superst.i.tion and dogmatism in our encourage imagination and artistry as much as other parents. But in our public discussions, these concerns are overshadowed by worries about the influences of superst.i.tion and dogmatism in our culture. This creates the false impression that there has to be a choice. In fact, we really do have more options than either maintaining supernatural illusions or adopting a cold, gritty realism that sometimes consists of nothing more than resignation to the worst in life.

A key to giving our children more choices is to abandon guilt by a.s.socia- tion. Drums and trumpets have urged soldiers into battle, but rather than abandon music because it has been used in war, we can use it for love songs and joyous celebrations. Imagination-the ability to conceptualize events and experiences that don't exist-has been pressed into the service of oppressive political and religious inst.i.tutions and often abused. But instead of abandon-ing imagination, we can reclaim it as a resource for individuals.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief It's easy to make high-minded statements about the blessings that imagi- nation offers as the source of art, literature, and practical inventions. They'd be true, but if that's all we say, we imply that we have to justify the use of imagination. A more distinctively humanistic approach is to celebrate and nurture at least two uses of fantasy: fantasy as a tool children use in coming to terms with the world, and fantasy as a source of pleasure.

One of the greatest joys of childhood is fantasy, and children's fantasies are endlessly varied. It's fun to watch this play, and parents should feel free to join in. Humanist parents with religious spouses may be frightened when their children come home from Sunday school repeating myths; feminist parents may worry that old-fas.h.i.+oned fairy tales will make their daughters feel worthless and their sons disrespectful. But if we learn to understand how children use fantasy, it can be a gentle and powerful means of communication.

I once spent a full half-hour watching two little girls play Snow White. I might not have recognized the story if they hadn't mentioned it aloud, because they re-enacted only one scene, over and over-Snow White's resurrec- tion. They ignored all sorts of details that worry adults: The wicked stepmother was nothing like their loving mommies, and the prince was nothing like the muddy little boys they played with. But, like many 4-year-olds, they had learned about death, and their play revealed a feeling shared by many adults- the wish that death could somehow be undone.

Later, grieving a death in the family, my daughter and I acted out the story of Buddha and the mustard seed; another time, we made up our own story about reincarnation. Another family might choose to read stories about different views of the afterlife: Valhalla is a different place from the Christian heaven. Another might choose to tell the story of Demeter and Persephone, and a child hearing it would make his or her own comparison, some day, be- tween that tale and the one about Abraham and Isaac. Telling and inventing stories both encourages children to use their own imaginations and communicates that fantasy is a worthwhile activity. At the same time, myths and allegories are put into perspective; a child who has played with, then outgrown, imaginary friends and read about the fantastic spirits of other cultures will be less vulnerable to the latest craze for angels or aliens.

A child who has looked for animal shapes in clouds and in pieces of pop- corn is prepared to understand how people imagine that they see a Madonna in the burned spots on a tortilla-and may be inspired to produce some highly imaginative art.

142.Wis.h.i.+ng is another type of fantasy that influences reality. Children who pretend to be each other's siblings often develop lifelong friends.h.i.+ps.

As adults, we continue to daydream. Sometimes daydreams are the only pleasure we have, and, as long as we aren't distracted from acting to improve our situations, daydreaming is an act of psychological resilience. Yet daydreaming that isn't inst.i.tutionalized (like political fervor and faith-healing) is commonly put down as childish. After all, daydreaming is fun in itself, and the things we dream of are s.e.x, power, wealth, and love-worthy human pleasures derided by the most oppressive religious traditions.

Fantasy also nurtures the capacity to hope. Hope is radically different from faith. To hope is not to a.s.sume that things will be better, but to be sustained by the sense that they can can be better and to act accordingly. With hope, we recognize those moments that call on us not merely to adapt to circ.u.mstances, but to seek, recognize, and seize the opportunity for change. be better and to act accordingly. With hope, we recognize those moments that call on us not merely to adapt to circ.u.mstances, but to seek, recognize, and seize the opportunity for change.

Seeking the opportunity means beginning with an act of imagination that can only be fulfilled through determination and rational striving, integrating all our human potentials.

So don't wait for your child to ask. Have a wonderful time seeing what happens when you begin by saying, "Let's pretend."

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Activities Creating a meaningful life is a lifelong pursuit-and not one that translates easily into individual activities for a rainy afternoon. On the other hand, there are countless general ways in which we can promote creative engagement with meaning in our families. This section provides a few ideas and hand, there are countless general ways in which we can promote creative engagement with meaning in our families. This section provides a few ideas and suggestions for making meaningful activities an integral part of your family's life. suggestions for making meaningful activities an integral part of your family's life.

Simple Pleasures All ages The most meaningful and engaging activities are often the simplest: flying kites, a walk in the woods, a trip to the aquarium. The greatest obstacle to a life of simple pleasures is the ruthless schedule. Free up time from routine activities. Schedule some unplanned time every week. Turn work into play and waiting time into game time with word games, observation games, storytelling.

Great resource for waiting games: Chapter 1 of Susan Perry's Chapter 1 of Susan Perry's Playing Smart: Playing Smart: The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 414. The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 414.

Engage your kids in activities that use all all the senses-the traditional senses of touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound and the kinesthetic (position of your body in s.p.a.ce-what makes it fun to go swimming or just run around). Enjoy the senses-the traditional senses of touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound and the kinesthetic (position of your body in s.p.a.ce-what makes it fun to go swimming or just run around). Enjoy both pa.s.sively and and actively-for example, both listening to music and singing. actively-for example, both listening to music and singing.

Great resource for sensory play: Chapter 3 of Chapter 3 of Playing Smart. Playing Smart.

Mix familiarity and novelty, choosing times when your kids are energetic and alert to try new activities. Make it a family tradition to try at least one new sensation a week-miniature golf, karaoke, an exotic fruit you haven't tried before. Build on your child's likes and dislikes. For example, a "picky eater" could have fun with blind tastings. Can your kid really really taste the differences between different colored M&Ms? How about the difference between pureed carrots and squash? Singing together might lead to helping a verbally adept child make up funny words to familiar tunes, or giving musical toys and instruments to a kid who's more interested in the melody might encourage new music. taste the differences between different colored M&Ms? How about the difference between pureed carrots and squash? Singing together might lead to helping a verbally adept child make up funny words to familiar tunes, or giving musical toys and instruments to a kid who's more interested in the melody might encourage new music.

Encouraging Flow Experiences All ages Give your child the vocabulary to understand and recognize flow experiences and their value. For example, there are times either one of you should be able to say to the other, "Can we talk later? I'm concentrating." And, you can model enjoyment of challenges with comments like, "That was fun! I really had to 144try hard to figure out how to balance on a unicycle." Great resource for encouraging flow: Great resource for encouraging flow: Pages 14 of Pages 14 of Playing Smart. Playing Smart.

Encouraging Positive Att.i.tudes Toward Growth and Learning For parents View parenting videos at the "Half Full" website ( http://peacecenter.berkeley .edu/tools.html), including "Effort, Not Achievement," "Embracing Kids' Failure," and "Fostering Growth Mindsets." Discuss these ideas with parenting including "Effort, Not Achievement," "Embracing Kids' Failure," and "Fostering Growth Mindsets." Discuss these ideas with parenting partners. Reach a consensus on when a mistake should be considered an op- portunity to grow and when it means a child needs help.

When you make mistakes, model honesty and lifelong learning. Find the humor or the lesson in the situation. For example, "Whoops! I left the sugar out of the lemonade. How silly can you get? You think I should try it with limes next time?" Or, after a.s.sembling furniture from a kit, "No wonder the chair is lopsided. I didn't follow the instructions on page 6. Next time, I'll look over the instructions before before I start a project." I start a project."

The Signature Strengths Questionnaire Ages 1018 Preteens and teens enjoy taking questionnaires designed to tell them more about themselves. Encourage them to take the "Authentic Happiness" website's "Signature Strengths" questionnaire. It could be fun for you to talk about these tests with your kids, or even take them together and compare notes, but be aware that many teens may prefer to talk about it with their peers-it goes with the territory of being a teen. Either way, taking the tests opens the door for reflection.

Talk about what insight into your personalities and relations.h.i.+ps is offered by the Strengths questionnaire results: for example, "No wonder you are always asking me questions! Curiosity is one of your key strengths."

As a family, choose a character strength that you will all work on for a month. For example, use the exercises in the "Caring" chapter of What Do You What Do You Stand For? Stand For? Or, increase your appreciation of the good things in life by setting aside time each day for each family member to talk about "three good things that happened to me." (This exercise is based on research findings that people who keep a "grat.i.tude diary" increase their happiness and appreciation of life.) Or, increase your appreciation of the good things in life by setting aside time each day for each family member to talk about "three good things that happened to me." (This exercise is based on research findings that people who keep a "grat.i.tude diary" increase their happiness and appreciation of life.) Another excellent questionnaire: Another excellent questionnaire: Barbara Lewis's Barbara Lewis's What Do You Stand For? A What Do You Stand For? A Kid's Guide to Building Character Kid's Guide to Building Character (page 7). (page 7).

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Thinking About Friends.h.i.+p Young children Help your kids develop "emotional intelligence" about themselves and others.

Comment on the evident feelings of people around you and characters in stories. "Joey is crying; he must be feeling sad.""Why do you think Maria is laughing?" Comment on your child's feelings and encourage him or her to express them. Help with simple terms for complex feelings; for example, when my 3-year-old was obviously feeling ambivalent, I talked about her seeming to have "mixed-up feelings." Also, keep communications clear by commenting on the feelings underlying a statement or an action. For example, if your child says, "I hate you!" answer, "Wow! You are really mad at me, aren't you?"

Talk with your child about who she likes or doesn't like to play with, and why. When she doesn't want to play with another child, it may be a problem you can help resolve. But some kids really are incompatible, and their choices need to be respected as much as possible. Sometimes kids play in different ways with different friends, and it isn't until they're older that they can figure out how to bring these friends together (for example, your child may feel uncomfortable bringing together a friend who goes in for rough-and-tumble play and a friend who likes to act out stories). All these issues affect your child's developing sense of ident.i.ty.

Middle school This is the time when many parents worry that their kids are too driven by pressure to conform. Often that's true, but it's more complicated than that.

Kids are also choosing friends as a part of figuring out who they are or would like to be and as part of the process of becoming more independent from their families. Knowing your child's particular strengths enables you to help him choose friends who are also curious/kind/in love with learning. On the other hand, if she's interested in people who are very different, it takes sensitive attention to figure out whether she's exploring new possibilities in a way you want to support, or indeed yielding to unhealthy social pressures.

Late middle school and high school Help your teen choose extracurricular activities that involve his personal strength-science camp for the curious critical thinker, for example, or appropriate volunteer work for an especially kind, generous kid.

146.Encouraging Fantasy and Creativity All ages Enjoy the arts with your kids, as well as encouraging them to have fun on their own. Enjoy both actively and pa.s.sively: that is, singing or playing music as well as listening; enjoying the visual arts, and drawing, painting, playing with clay yourselves. Read stories and make them up. Have fun experimenting with materials; books with art activities for preschoolers have lots of good ideas. Make bath time fun with soap "crayons" that wash off the tub surround; fingerpaint with pudding mix; drum with wooden spoons on pots and pans.

Think carefully before offering formal lessons. Some kids will want to enjoy themselves without being told what to do, while others might enjoy lessons as a way to learn new techniques.

Role-playing can help your child find the courage to do something scary or develop a new skill. For example, it's a thrill for a 4- or 5-year-old to be en-trusted with the responsibility of answering the phone. Practice with a script: PARENT: Ring! Ring!

CHILD: h.e.l.lo. Who's calling please?

PARENT: Is Ms. Matsumura there?

CHILD: I'll see. Can I ask who's calling?

Take inspiration from silly fantasies in children's stories. For example, in The Wonderful O, The Wonderful O, James Thurber imagines the consequences when a king bans the use of the letter "O"-among other things, Ophelia Oliver doesn't want to say her name any more! What would happen if we dropped the letter "A"? If James Thurber imagines the consequences when a king bans the use of the letter "O"-among other things, Ophelia Oliver doesn't want to say her name any more! What would happen if we dropped the letter "A"? If rivers ran backwards? If people could walk on the ceiling like flies (especially if they were trying to wear hats)?

Differentiating fantasy from reality is a common concern of humanist par- ents. Remember that serious imagining can be the first step to a marvelous goal. You can talk with your child about the difference between pretend ways to make something happen and real ways to make it happen. There are many stories of people flying by flapping their arms or tying on imitation bird wings.

Then there are the stories of experiments that led to the invention of airplanes and even human-powered flight (the original "Gossamer Condor" is on display at the Smithsonian Inst.i.tution, and there are books and DVDs about it.) Listen to your kids' fantasies as a way of learning about their feelings. For example, while having an imaginary friend may just be a fun game, it may mean your child wants more chances to play with other kids.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Resources Happiness and Flow Authentic Happiness www.authentichappiness.com Maintained by the Positive Psychology Center of the University of Pennsylvania, this website includes such self-a.s.sessment tools as a survey of individual strengths for adults and a shorter questionnaire that helps kids about 10 and older identify their individual character strengths. Children under 13 must be registered by their parents. It's a site you will want to revisit from time to time as interesting research reports acc.u.mulate. Imagine how helpful it will be to know the outcome of a research project on teaching ninth graders positive psychology. Special feature: Special feature: Articles by Ben Dean on "Open-Mindedness," Articles by Ben Dean on "Open-Mindedness,"

"Love of Learning," "Persistence," and "Integrity" in the Authentic Happiness Authentic Happiness Coaching Newsletters. Coaching Newsletters.

Greater Good Science Center: The Science of Raising Happy Kids www.greatergoodscience.org > Click on FOR PARENTS Click on FOR PARENTS Affiliated with the University of California, Berkeley, this is a rich, varied, and accessible treasury of resources for parents. Focus is on "the scientific understanding of happy and compa.s.sionate individuals, strong social bonds, and altruistic behavior." Parenting videos, the "Half Full" parenting blog, and Greater Good Magazine Greater Good Magazine are just a few of the offerings. are just a few of the offerings. Special feature: Special feature: Wonderful, engaging, down-to-earth videos on raising happy kids Wonderful, engaging, down-to-earth videos on raising happy kids.

Seligman, Martin. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment (New York: Free Press, 2004). A readable overview of scientific research on what really makes people happy, including short self-tests and practical tools to use in daily life, lightened up with personal anecdotes. There is one chapter on parenting, so you might prefer to get the book from the library (although many tools appropriate for (New York: Free Press, 2004). A readable overview of scientific research on what really makes people happy, including short self-tests and practical tools to use in daily life, lightened up with personal anecdotes. There is one chapter on parenting, so you might prefer to get the book from the library (although many tools appropriate for adults can be extrapolated to kids.) Carter, Christine. "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness," a research report for the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.

http://peacecenter.berkeley.edu/research_families_carter.html. This chapter draws on research in the field of positive psychology, and this article summarizes some of its findings. Written for parents, it helps sort out nature and nurture 148 This chapter draws on research in the field of positive psychology, and this article summarizes some of its findings. Written for parents, it helps sort out nature and nurture 148and summarizes research on what we can do to help our kids grow into happy adults with the skills to lead a fulfilling life.

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life Everyday Life ( (New York: Basic Books, 1998). The definitive work on the subject.

Creativity Writing with Writers www.teacher.scholastic.com/writewit Affiliated with Scholastic Books, this wonderful website includes ideas for many kinds of writing (for example, biography, descriptive, myth) and places that publish kids' writing. Special feature: Special feature: A "Brainstorming Machine" for writing myths. Click on WRITING MYTHS > Myth Brainstorming Machine. A "Brainstorming Machine" for writing myths. Click on WRITING MYTHS > Myth Brainstorming Machine.

Perry, Susan K. Playing Smart: The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 414, Playing Smart: The Family Guide to Enriching, Offbeat Learning Activities for Ages 414, revised ed. (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publis.h.i.+ng, 2001). Now available at the author's websit revised ed. (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publis.h.i.+ng, 2001). Now available at the author's website at www.bunnyape.com/other_books .htm. I wish I'd had this book when my kids were little; I'll make sure my grandchildren's parents have it. Where else would you find a book with a list of dozens of books for children written by famous adult authors (Maya Angelou, David Mamet, Isaac Bashevis Singer), I wish I'd had this book when my kids were little; I'll make sure my grandchildren's parents have it. Where else would you find a book with a list of dozens of books for children written by famous adult authors (Maya Angelou, David Mamet, Isaac Bashevis Singer), and and chapters on fun in the kitchen, a backyard, in cemeteries, chapters on fun in the kitchen, a backyard, in cemeteries, and and a chapter on how kids can learn about their own psychology and other peoples'. Definitely a life-enricher. a chapter on how kids can learn about their own psychology and other peoples'. Definitely a life-enricher.

Gould, Roberta. The Kids Multicultural Craft Book: 35 Crafts from Around the The Kids Multicultural Craft Book: 35 Crafts from Around the World World (Charlotte, VT: Williamson Publis.h.i.+ng, 2004). Why this book, out of the countless arts and crafts books that are available? Instructions are clear and thorough, always letting kids know if an adult should be available; many of the projects really can and will continue to be used (like the musical instruments); the ideas for using recycled materials are well calculated to inspire your kids to find more uses for everyday objects; another layer of excitement is added by the author's stories about how she learned various crafts, and her explanations of their cultural context. (An inset at the beginning of each project locates its origin on a map of the home continent.) (Charlotte, VT: Williamson Publis.h.i.+ng, 2004). Why this book, out of the countless arts and crafts books that are available? Instructions are clear and thorough, always letting kids know if an adult should be available; many of the projects really can and will continue to be used (like the musical instruments); the ideas for using recycled materials are well calculated to inspire your kids to find more uses for everyday objects; another layer of excitement is added by the author's stories about how she learned various crafts, and her explanations of their cultural context. (An inset at the beginning of each project locates its origin on a map of the home continent.) Character, Reflection, and More Lewis, Barbara A. What Do You Stand For? A Kid's Guide to Building Character What Do You Stand For? A Kid's Guide to Building Character (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publis.h.i.+ng, 1998). Preteens and teens enjoy taking 149 (Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publis.h.i.+ng, 1998). Preteens and teens enjoy taking 149 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief quizzes and surveys that help them understand themselves better. The survey on page 7 of this book helps them identify the ethical strengths they already have and where they would like to grow. And then And then the following chapters offer probing questions and practical exercises for helping your kids become the people they would like to be. the following chapters offer probing questions and practical exercises for helping your kids become the people they would like to be.

Comte-Sponville, Andre. The Little Book of Atheist Spirituality The Little Book of Atheist Spirituality (New York: Viking Adult, 2007). A marvelous, thought-provoking new book addressing (New York: Viking Adult, 2007). A marvelous, thought-provoking new book addressing one of the most common concerns about a world without religion.

Grayling, A.C. The Meaning of Things: Applying Philosophy to Life The Meaning of Things: Applying Philosophy to Life (London: Phoenix, New Ed edition, 2002). One of the great living writers exploring (London: Phoenix, New Ed edition, 2002). One of the great living writers exploring meaning from the humanist perspective.

Winell, Marlene. Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion Others Leaving Their Religion (Berkeley: Apocryphile Press, 2006). Written as a guide for people who have left fundamentalist religion and are going through major emotional changes, this book will also be helpful to parents who want to give their children an upbringing different from what they experienced. The book contains practical exercises and chances for reflection that can help you become the parent you want to be, or give your kids useful guidance. (Berkeley: Apocryphile Press, 2006). Written as a guide for people who have left fundamentalist religion and are going through major emotional changes, this book will also be helpful to parents who want to give their children an upbringing different from what they experienced. The book contains practical exercises and chances for reflection that can help you become the parent you want to be, or give your kids useful guidance.

Especially relevant to meaning and purpose: Chapter 13, "Living Life Now" (especially the sections on pleasure and humor); Chapter 14, "Thinking for Yourself "; and Chapter 15, "Choosing and Creating."

Notes.1. Ecclesiastes Ecclesiastes 8:15 (King James version). Yes, 8:15 (King James version). Yes, really really! What a humanistic statement! No wonder commentators have pointed out that Ecclesiastes is very different from the rest of the bible.

2. Russell, Bertrand. Quoted at www.wisdomquotes.com (WQ), a reliable source maintained by Ethical Culture Leader Jone Johnson. Accessed (WQ), a reliable source maintained by Ethical Culture Leader Jone Johnson. Accessed March 4, 2008.

3. Roosevelt, Franklin D. First Inaugural Address. Sat.u.r.day, March 4, 1933.

4. George Sand.

5. Ingersoll, Robert G., in the course of a discussion on The Limits of Toler-ation (1888). For the full text of this statement by the "Great Agnostic" of the 19th century, www.secularweb.org. Accessed March 4, 2008. Accessed March 4, 2008.

150.6. Helen Keller. Wisdom Quotes. www.wisdomquotes.com 7. One method these researchers have used is The Experience-Sampling Method (ESM), in which partic.i.p.ants keep a log in which they describe specific activities they were engaged in and accompanying moods on a de- tailed list provided by researchers. Tens of thousands of people have par- tic.i.p.ated in such studies, which in turn served as the basis for numerous scientific studies.

8. Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Finding Flow: The Psychology of Engagement with Everyday Life Everyday Life (New York: Basic Books, 1998), pp. 2829. Other aspects of this discussion have been taken from pp. 2334. See also "Flow vs. its opposite" (New York: Basic Books, 1998), pp. 2829. Other aspects of this discussion have been taken from pp. 2334. See also "Flow vs. its opposite" ( www.daddy-dialectic.blogspot.com/2007/01/flow-vs-its-opposite .html) and "Outside Room 15" "Outside Room 15" ( www.greatergoodscience.blogspot.com/ 2007/01/outside-room-15-chocolate-ice-cream-vs.html#links) for two brilliant blog excursions on flow. Both sites accessed April 28, 2008.

9. For example, Dweck, C.S., & Kamins, M.L. Person versus process, praise and criticism: Implications for contingent self-worth and coping, Developmental Psychology Developmental Psychology, 35 35(3) (1999), 835847; and Dweck, C.S., & Kamins, M.L. Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75 75(1) (1998), 41.

These and similar research results are described at http://greatergood .berkeley.edu/half_full/?p=49. Accessed April 28, 2008. Accessed April 28, 2008.

10. Peterson, C., and Seligman, M., Character Strengths and Virtues, A Handbook and Cla.s.sification Character Strengths and Virtues, A Handbook and Cla.s.sification (New York: Oxford University Press, 2004). This is the academic text. A list of the "twenty-four strengths" is at (New York: Oxford University Press, 2004). This is the academic text. A list of the "twenty-four strengths" is at www .viastrengths.org, along with a brief summary of how the cla.s.sification was developed and how it is used in research. Accessed May 4, 2008. along with a brief summary of how the cla.s.sification was developed and how it is used in research. Accessed May 4, 2008.

11. Park, N., Peterson, C., & Seligman, M.E.P., Strengths of character and well-being among youth. Unpublished ma.n.u.script, University of Rhode Island, 2005. Abstract accessed May 4, 2008, from www.viastrengths.org/Research/ Abstracts/tabid/63/Default.aspx 12. "History of the [VIA] Cla.s.sification and Survey." Accessed May 4, 2008, from www.viastrengths.org/AboutVIA/Cla.s.sificationOverview/tabid/66/ Default.aspx 13. According to a research overview at www.viastrengths.org/Research/tabid/ 57/Default.aspx, "Much of the early research . . . [on] the a.s.sociation between character strengths and life . . . point[s] in particular to the strengths 151 "Much of the early research . . . [on] the a.s.sociation between character strengths and life . . . point[s] in particular to the strengths 151 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief of love, hope, grat.i.tude, curiosity, and zest as robust contributors." (This overview includes citations of scholarly literature). Site accessed May 4, 2008.

14. "A study with more than 4000 partic.i.p.ants revealed that five key strengths-grat.i.tude, optimism, zest, curiosity, and the ability to love and be loved-are more closely and consistently related to life satisfaction than the other strengths." Dean, Ben, PhD, "The Five Key Strengths" adapted from the Authentic Happiness Newsletter Authentic Happiness Newsletter, 2 2(7), and posted at www .viastrengths.org/VIACla.s.sification/MoreOnStrengths/FiveKeyStrengths/tabid/ 116/Default.aspx. Note that these lists of key strengths are overlapping, but not identical. Accessed May 4, 2008. Note that these lists of key strengths are overlapping, but not identical. Accessed May 4, 2008.

15. Csikszentmihalyi points out that, "The most positive experiences people report are usually those with friends. This is especially true for adolescents . . ." (p. 81). He continues on pp. 8588 to discuss how friends.h.i.+p has become an important part of modern family life, and how friends.h.i.+ps within the family work differently from friends.h.i.+ps outside the family.

152.

CHAPTER 6.