Heaven Hill: Losing Control Part 12

"My arms are shaking," he laughed, blinking hard. "That was..."

"You don't have to say anything," she whispered, putting a finger over his mouth. "There are no words, so let's just enjoy it."

Couldn't argue with that. Curling one arm around her neck, he hauled her over so that she wrapped her body around his. Lazily, he stroked the length of her hair and peppered kisses against her mouth at regular intervals.

Bianca could feel her eyelids getting heavy as he continued stroking her hair. "You tired, baby?" he asked quietly, hoping the timbre of his voice would lull her to sleep.

She nodded, entwining her arms with his, hugging him to her body.

"Go to sleep, I'll be here when you wake up," he promised, running his other hand down her back.

For the first time ever, she believed those words.

This time when she awoke, it was because of the incessant ringing of a cell phone. "Is that yours?" Bianca asked, her tongue thick with sleep.

"s.h.i.+t yeah," he answered reaching across her to grab his phone from the night stand.

"h.e.l.lo?" He ran a hand through his hair, glancing around for a clock. Once he saw it and the time, he perked up. "Yeah, we're still on. You bringin' Layne with you?"

Bianca burrowed deeper into the blankets, trying not to think about him leaving, but obviously he had somewhere else to be. Half-heartedly listening to his conversation, she tried to tell herself that it would be okay when he left.

"Okay, see you then. Bye."

He put his phone back on the bedside table and moved the blankets back to expose her face. "Morning," he grinned.

"Morning." She tried to grin back, but failed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

"Nothin'."

"C'mon, I think we've moved past the 'nothing' stage of dating."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on for dear life. "Just don't want you to go," she admitted.

With one hand, he pushed her hair back away from her face. "I'm not. That was Tyler. He and Layne are comin' over to help me fix that death trap you call stairs in front of this apartment. It's not safe for you, especially when you come home so late at night half the time."

"It's about time you put your money where your mouth is."

Her spirit was lighter now that she knew he wasn't just leaving. Knowing that he would stick around for a portion of the afternoon made her feel better, but she knew that at some point she was going to have to come to grips with this weird feeling she had about him leaving. Finally, she'd come to terms with the fact that she knew he would be back, but it still gave her anxiety. Some therapist would have a field day with her, she knew that for a fact.

"I had to wait until everybody could do it on the same day, but we're ready today."

Pus.h.i.+ng back the covers, he got out of the bed and stretched, not ashamed one bit of the nudity that he displayed. "They'll be here in a few minutes, they're actually on their way."

She pushed herself out of bed next to him. "I have some coffee and hot cocoa. It's still freezing outside. Should I make it?" she asked him.

"Sounds good, I'm sure Meredith will be with Tyler, so she'll probably hang with you."

He left her bedroom putting his clothes on as he went. Immediately she had to stomp down the anxiety she felt about Meredith seeing her apartment. One day soon she was going to have to do something about her feelings when it came to what she had to offer others and what her preconceived notions were about others. Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and put her big girl panties on. Now was a good a time as any to start.

Chapter Twenty-Three.

"Bianca, you in here?" Meredith asked as she knocked on the door.

"Yeah," she grinned from her spot on the couch. "Studying as always."

Meredith watched as Bianca lifted the book so that the cover showed. Having a seat next to her, Meredith got comfortable. "I hope you don't mind that Tyler brought me."

"Not at all. Like we talked about earlier, I just don't have that many girlfriends so it's always kind of weird for me if you want to hang out."

Glancing up, Bianca looked at the other woman closely. Meredith looked more melancholy than usual, not the perky individual that Bianca was used to. "Are you okay?" she asked gently, setting her book aside.

Tears popped to Meredith's eyes and Bianca blinked in surprise. Just what the h.e.l.l was going on that would make this vivacious person cry? It wasn't long before tears streamed down Meredith's cheeks in earnest.

"Hey, I'm not good with other people, much less when they cry."

At those words, Meredith giggled. "I know. Emotions make you uncomfortable and I'm so sorry to spring my s.h.i.+t on you, but I'm just a mess today."

It struck Bianca as weird that the other woman seemed to want to confide in her. Normally she was connected with Denise at the hip. "Anything that I can do? I mean, I know I'm not Denise, but I can be a good listener if that's what you need."

She inhaled an unsteady breath. "That's the problem, I can't go to Denise with this."

"The two of you are best friends. Why would you not want to go to her with something that's bothering you?"

Meredith drew a slim hand through her hair. "She's part of my problem."

This was so confusing. "Mer, I'm not following," Bianca admitted, trying out the nickname that she'd heard others at the clubhouse use.

"I'm sorry. I'm really emotional and I just don't know what to do."

"Why are you so emotional? Is something going on?"

Bianca could tell that Meredith wanted to lay everything out there in the open for her, but she could also tell that Meredith wasn't sure how it would be perceived. Friends.h.i.+p meant that two people trusted each other to listen, give honest advice, and to approach any situation with an open mind.

"Look, I understand if you don't want to tell me, but I'll listen with an open mind if you want to give me a try."

She could see Meredith go back and forth in her mind. The struggle was evident on her face.

Finally after what felt like a million years, Meredith sighed heavily. "The reason I can't go to Denise with this is because she's pregnant and Tyler and I want a baby."

Talk about a bombsh.e.l.l. Bianca opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find the words. "And you're scared that Denise doesn't want to share the limelight with you?"

"No, it's that we've been trying for a few months, and I'm still not pregnant," Meredith admitted, twisting her fingers in the palm of her hand.

"Oh, I get it now. You aren't jealous, but you don't want to project the disappointment you're feeling on her?"

"Exactly," Meredith nodded and then went on in a rush. "And for a while, I wasn't sure that I would even want children. I'm sure you've heard what happened to me. It took several conversations between Tyler and me to come to the conclusion that this is something I really wanted to do. Now it's not taking, for lack of a better word."

"You've only been trying a couple of months, right? I'm sure it'll happen in its own time," Bianca tried to rea.s.sure the other woman.

Meredith crossed her arms and bit her lip, kicking her hip out to the side. After a moment of thought, she crooked her finger. "C'mere."

Interest piqued, Bianca did as she asked. The two of them went to her front door and gazed out the window beside it. Below, Tyler, Jagger, and Layne were all doing manly things. Jagger hammered a nail as Layne held a board in place for him. Tyler though, he sat to the side, obviously supervising, giving his input on how to fix the problem of her wobbly stairs.

"Look at that man and tell me that he couldn't impregnate me by just looking at me."

Bianca laughed, bending over at the waist. "I think there's a bit more to it than that," she giggled, wiping her eyes.

"He's just so...so virile..." Meredith continued. "It's gotta be me."

Putting a hand on Meredith's shoulder, Bianca gave it a squeeze. "Chances are it's neither one of you. Maybe you just haven't hit your sweet spot yet when it comes to time of the month."

"I don't see how that's possible," she murmured. "We're doin' it every night."

"Oh my G.o.d, you are my hero."

"With Tyler, it's not work," she grinned. "You can trust me on that."

"I would venture to say the two of you probably have a good time," Bianca grinned back.

"Probably about a good a time as you and Jagger."

It was on the tip of her tongue to deny what she and Jagger had, but he'd slept here the night before. Why keep a secret? "Then the two of you aren't hurting in that department."

"No we're not," she sighed. "But I don't want Denise to know that I'm jealous. Since she found out she was pregnant she's walked on eggsh.e.l.ls around me. This is supposed to be the happiest time in her life, and I don't want her to not enjoy it because she's afraid she'll hurt my feelings."

This friends.h.i.+p stuff, Bianca was beginning to realize, was going to require a lot of work. "Well you don't know how she's going to react unless you talk to her. It's just like any other relations.h.i.+p, you have to be open and honest."

"I know, but I have to admit, I feel just a little like a b.i.t.c.h to be unhappy that she's happy. Especially after we've talked about it before and I a.s.sured her I would be fine. I just can't help how I'm feeling."

"I'm sure Denise won't see it that way. She was there after everything happened to you. It's normal to feel envy. f.u.c.k, I do it every time I see people who don't have to work at Wet Wanda's for a living."

Meredith bit her lip and blew out a breath of frustration. "You're right. Maybe if I'm honest with her, I can get over the feelings I'm having. Then I can just move on."

"Maybe you can, but you'll never know until you try."

An hour later, Bianca and Meredith sat discussing some of the options that Bianca could do with her degree.

"I know almost as soon as I find a full time job, I'm really gonna have to buckle down and start on my Masters. There's such a small window for a teacher to get the next required cla.s.ses that I don't want to get lazy with it."

"That's a good idea," Meredith agreed.

The lull in the conversation between the two of them wasn't strained at all, but it gave Bianca a chance to ask a question she had wondered about for a while. "What are you going to do with your degree?"

"I've thought about that," she admitted, running her hands along the denim of her jeans. Reaching over to the table that sat next to the couch, she picked up her cup of coffee and took a drink.

Bianca had never taken this woman for a staller, but that appeared to be what she was doing right at this very moment. "Tell me."

A small grin tilted Meredith's mouth. "I seem to be telling you a lot of stuff."

"Hmmm? Maybe it's just because I ask the right questions. I'm very self-conscious when it comes to talking about myself, so I'm usually the one asking. When you ask, you don't have to divulge anything."

"Oh that's where you are wrong! Next time we have coffee, you're answering a metric s.h.i.+t-ton of questions. But to answer you, I'm not really sure. I could do a number of things with the degree that I have, but none of it appeals to me right now. I've debated on doing some volunteering at the abused women's shelter and maybe taking some cla.s.ses that interest me. You know, just to get my feet wet again."

"The women's shelter idea is a very good one. You have no idea how many women have come through Wet Wanda's over the couple of years that I've been there. They tend to just hang around long enough to get the money they need to move on. When they do that, they're gone and you never know what's happened to them or their children. It's kind of sad really."

"Yeah, so that's what I've been kicking around. If it was up to Tyler, I'd never work again, but I'm just not sure I can do that. I mean, yeah, it's been fun for a while, but I crave knowledge and social interaction now. At one time I thought that I wouldn't ever be able to be in a group of people again, but I'm able to now, and I get bored at the clubhouse sometimes," Meredith admitted.

Bianca hoped she wasn't reading more into this than there was. "Well I always need someone to help me study, and there's always people to hang out with at Wet Wanda's. Just c'mon down if you get bored. h.e.l.l, bring Denise. We could be the epitome of southern. A pregnant lady, not only in a bar, but in a strip joint. If I know Wanda, it will crack her up."

"I can't believe you just offered yourself up to do something with me on your own. Bianca Hawks, you're becoming downright friendly."

Bianca blushed slightly. "Don't let it get around. I do have a rep to protect."

"My lips are sealed." Meredith made the motion of sealing them with her fingers. "Well, I take that back, they're sealed after I give Denise her invite. Lord knows I have got to see what patrons of a strip joint do when a pregnant woman walks in."

The two of them were laughing as the men made their way up the stairs, boots pounding.

"Sounds like they fixed it," Bianca commented dryly. "Otherwise, we'll hear it collapse in just a few seconds."

"It's fixed," Tyler announced as he walked into the apartment.

"So I can hear," Bianca answered.

The Native American grinned. "She's got some s.p.u.n.k and her humor is dry. I really like her. What's she doing with you?" He pointed at Jagger.

Blus.h.i.+ng, Jagger went over to stand next to Bianca. He slung his arm around her neck and tucked her into his side. "I wonder that myself, but I guess I'm just lucky." He nuzzled her neck before facing the rest of them.

"We're hungry," Layne announced. "So let's go get something."

Everyone agreed to meet up at a local Mexican restaurant a few minutes away that they all enjoyed.

"We'll be along in just a few minutes," Jagger said, pointing his finger at Bianca. "She's gonna have to change before we leave. It's gonna be cold on my bike."

Her pulse kicked in her throat. She loved riding his bike with him. "Let me go change real fast," she grinned up at him.

She heard the group leave as she hurried to her bedroom and pulled out a pair of jeans and a warm sweater. Looking through her closet, she wondered if the boots she'd lucked up on at a thrift store would be too dressy. From experience she knew they were well over $300 at the local mall. She had gotten them for $25. A dark brown that looked well worn, she decided to wear them anyway. Quickly, she threw her hair up and put on some mascara before going to the living room.

"I'm ready."