Daniel X_ Watch The Skies Part 5

IMAGINE THE THEATER for American Idol American Idol during the season finale. Now make it bigger-like Madison Square Garden in New York or the Staples Center in Los Angeles. And now quadruple its seating capacity. And now replace the mostly polite, family-oriented audience of American Idol with the loud, obnoxious fans of, say, Jerry Springer or Howard Stern. And have them not be human. during the season finale. Now make it bigger-like Madison Square Garden in New York or the Staples Center in Los Angeles. And now quadruple its seating capacity. And now replace the mostly polite, family-oriented audience of American Idol with the loud, obnoxious fans of, say, Jerry Springer or Howard Stern. And have them not be human.

Have some be three headed; have some be lobster clawed; have some wearing s.p.a.ce suits; have some glowing with orange radiation; have some be nothing more than dense clouds of blue vapor; have some that look like huge unblinking eyeb.a.l.l.s on mushroom stalks; have some with hammer heads, some with needle noses, some with feathers, some with frog legs, some with turtle backs, and some that look like Chinese dumplings with sea-urchin spines and metal helmets... well, that at least starts to paint the scene.

But that wasn't the sickening part.

What made us gasp in horror was the stage, where the scenes we'd watched on the monitor were now being played for the alien horde's viewing pleasure.

A father and his daughter getting terrified by a microphone-wielding Number 5... and then liquefied by blaster rays.

A family-and even their dog-dancing to seventies disco hits... and then melted by blaster rays.

A TV news anchor break dancing on her desk... and then, in a flash of light, getting transformed into a steaming pool of swampy liquid.

And then me, me, getting knocked senseless by Number 21 in S-Mart. getting knocked senseless by Number 21 in S-Mart.

The audience loved every second of it. Even through all of the bits of static and fuzz, you could see the jeers, the sneers, the laughter, the pumping fists, claws, and tentacles of those a.s.sembled interplanetary creeps.

Then, I heard Number 5's voice boom through the arena. "And that, my fellow producers, is just the trailer for the hottest new entertainment phenomenon we're calling endertainment endertainment. Watch the skies for more episodes-and a sizzling sizzling premiere that'll leave you premiere that'll leave you dying dying for more." for more."

Without saying a word, the five of us started smas.h.i.+ng everything in the shack.

Sparks flew, and the air filled with the scent of shorted fuses and ozone as we hurled mixing boards, editing decks, holoform display units, and a bunch of other things we didn't bother to identify before we trashed them.

And then, as I reached to pull one of the monitors off its wall-mounted bracket, Number 5's image flickered to life on the screen.

"I thought you were the Alien Hunter, Hunter, not the Alien not the Alien Vandal, Vandal," he laughed.

I was speechless. How did he do that TV trick? It looked like a regular old set.

"You'll be happy to know the broadcast was completed before you destroyed any of this equipment."

"I don't care," I managed to say.

"Don't you?" he said. "I'm not sure I believe you. Not that I suppose it matters. The only thing that would be a help is if you stuck around town till we're ready for the final episode. You have a starring role in it, you know."

"You're not even going to make it to episode two, you fishy freak."

"Ah-ah-ah-ah!" he laughed at me. "Very good, young Alien Hunter. That's just the kind of bravado the audience loves to see. And it will make it all the funnier when I kill you in a live broadcast. kill you in a live broadcast."

Chapter 25.

"DUDE," SAID JOE as I hurled the monitor through the window. "He's totally toying with you."

"Let him keep thinking that," I said-although, truth be told, I was getting pretty freaked at this point.

"How can he possibly keep seeing me through TV screens like that, Joe?"

"Maybe he's got them reverse-wired somehow, has them working as cameras."

"Is that possible?"

"Almost anything's possible if you have alien technology on your side."

"Can you take a look and find out for us?"

"Sure," said Joe. "Of course, it would've been easier if you hadn't thrown it out the window and smashed it into a thousand pieces... but I'll see what I can do."

He stepped out of the shack to gather up the remains.

"Okay," I said to the rest of them. "You guys have any big ideas here? Personally, I'm starting to wonder if going after Number 5 wasn't a big mistake."

"But he'll keep killing animals if you don't stop him," said Emma.

"And humans," said w.i.l.l.y.

"And probably you," said Dana. "You guys are a great help," I said.

Chapter 26.

JOE DIDN'T FIND anything strange in the wrecked TV. No nanocameras, no light-sensitive data films, no reverse-broadcast microtransceivers. Which left me one conclusion-Number 5's electromagnetic powers were greater than I'd even begun to imagine.

I mean, the only thing I could figure was that he was actually able to inhabit inhabit electronic devices. And, in a world as wired as this one was becoming... well, there wasn't much to keep this soulless creep from turning the entire human race into an unpaid variety show and then committing the worst extinction event the planet had ever seen. electronic devices. And, in a world as wired as this one was becoming... well, there wasn't much to keep this soulless creep from turning the entire human race into an unpaid variety show and then committing the worst extinction event the planet had ever seen.

Just to be safe, I had the gang run a complete a.n.a.lysis on the van's equipment, and, when we made it back to the house, we shut off the main circuit breaker in the bas.e.m.e.nt and cut the phone lines.

Clearly, if I was going to find a way to surprise Number 5-and I'd been miserably failing at it so far-I couldn't have him watching me through the electrical sockets.

I turned to my family and friends. "If you were Number 5, what would be the last thing you'd expect of a young Alien Hunter bent on wiping your foul-smelling stain off the face of the planet?"

"Acting normal for once in your life?" offered Pork Chop.

I was about to give her the L-is-for-Loser sign, but that's when it hit me. Tomorrow morning I was going to do exactly what any normal normal kid my age would do. I'd get up, get dressed, drink some orange juice, eat a frosted strawberry Pop-Tart, and go to high school. kid my age would do. I'd get up, get dressed, drink some orange juice, eat a frosted strawberry Pop-Tart, and go to high school.

Number 5 wouldn't expect that that in a million years. in a million years.

Chapter 27.

DANA AND I had English cla.s.s first period, although maybe cla.s.s cla.s.s isn't quite the right word for it. It was more like a isn't quite the right word for it. It was more like a holding pen holding pen in which the subst.i.tute teacher and the students had collectively agreed to spend fifty-five minutes doing as little productive activity as was humanly possible. in which the subst.i.tute teacher and the students had collectively agreed to spend fifty-five minutes doing as little productive activity as was humanly possible.

The sub clearly just wanted to keep things quiet enough to avoid the attention of any hallway-roving administrators. And the kids, for their part, were taking full advantage of the situation. Some were texting friends; some were chatting idly; some were staring off into s.p.a.ce; and two boys were actually sleeping at their desks. The closest thing to learning taking place in the room was a single dark-haired girl reading some manga.

"And, in this great country's quest to create a democratic, self-governing citizenry," Dana declaimed to whomever was listening-namely, me-"it was determined that the most important function of its free and public schools was to help its children become motivated, engaged, and eager-to-learn partic.i.p.ants in the democratic process; that although the downward-sloping road to lowest-common denominators might have seemed the easiest to travel, the job of teachers, parents, and the larger community was to provide an education that showcased the highway to mathematics, reading, writing, problem solving, and critical thinking as the more compelling and rewarding route."

"You are so so weird," I told her. weird," I told her.

"Aren't you always reminding me that I'm a product of your your imagination?" imagination?"

"You have a point there."

"You mean about the failures of this country's educational system or that stuff about how if I'm weird, you have only yourself to blame?"

"Both, really," I said.

It was frustrating to see these kids wasting this opportunity. I know I'm not the oldest or wisest ent.i.ty in the cosmos, but life is short no matter what planet you're from-way too short to waste chances to learn.

Plus-as has been proved only a couple million times-List aliens have a much better time taking advantage of undereducated undereducated people than people than well-educated well-educated ones. Trust me, in my alien world, the ranks of abductees, hosts, slaves, and murder victims include a lot more TV and video-game addicts than they do book readers. ones. Trust me, in my alien world, the ranks of abductees, hosts, slaves, and murder victims include a lot more TV and video-game addicts than they do book readers.

I saw a group of girls gather around an iPhone to watch a little red-carpet footage from some second-rate award show.

And then I had an idea.

Because this was supposed supposed to be an English cla.s.s, I decided to make up for some of the time they'd lost and uploaded into every student's brain a couple of my favorite human books-which I've of course memorized word-for-word in both text and audio formats- to be an English cla.s.s, I decided to make up for some of the time they'd lost and uploaded into every student's brain a couple of my favorite human books-which I've of course memorized word-for-word in both text and audio formats-The Catcher in the Rye and and Stranger in a Strange Land Stranger in a Strange Land. And then, as a bonus, I gave them the entire contents of Wikipedia.

The poor sub must have thought he was getting punked. All the kids-having suddenly discovered the joy of a good book for the first time-were lining up and asking him for more things to read.

It felt good to put things somewhat back on track here, but I sensed there was a lot more fixing to do in this school, so Dana and I gathered up our books and went out into the hallway.

Chapter 28.

ONE OF THE many cool things about Robert A. Heinlein's cla.s.sic Stranger in a Strange Land, Stranger in a Strange Land, which is about a guy with alien superpowers living among humans here on Earth, is this thing called "grokking." which is about a guy with alien superpowers living among humans here on Earth, is this thing called "grokking." Grok Grok is a Martian word that literally means "to drink," but it's one of those words-in both the book and real life-that often means a whole lot more. When you grok something, you're saying you is a Martian word that literally means "to drink," but it's one of those words-in both the book and real life-that often means a whole lot more. When you grok something, you're saying you get it get it.

Like when Dana and I stepped into the linoleum-floored corridor, I instantly grokked the fear, confusion, and hopelessness of about a hundred freshman filing, zombie-like, down the hall toward the back of the building.

"Number 5," I whispered, and Dana nodded in agreement. I quickly made us look a little younger-I'd make an excellent plastic surgeon if I were into that kind of stuff-and we joined the end of the line.

"Where are we going?" I asked the little messy-haired kid in front of me.

"We've got another practice for the big musical, stupid," he replied.

"Ah, the big musical," said Dana. "When's that happening again?"

"Sat.u.r.day, you moron. What are you guys, foreign-exchange students?"

"Something like that," I said, putting my hand on his neck and quickly erasing his memory of this conversation, just in case.

We exited the building and came to a silent stop on the sidewalk next to the school parking lot where, a moment later, two yellow buses, each driven by a henchbeast, screeched to a halt.

The kids wordlessly broke into two groups and climbed aboard.

"You want to do something about this?" Dana asked me.

"Not yet," I said. "Sounds like this is another rehearsal, so I'm pretty sure they're not in immediate peril. Number 5's too much of a perfectionist to kill prematurely. He's going to want the best, biggest bang he can get on Sat.u.r.day."

We broke away from the group and hid behind the rear bus. Dana slapped a small magnetic device under the b.u.mper.

"Homing beacon," she said, as the bus doors closed and the buses squealed away from the curb, "so we can track where they're taking them for the practice session and hopefully see where Number 5's intending to film Holliswood's grand finale this weekend."

We returned to the building, and I noticed two pregnant teachers standing silently in the courtyard, staring up at the sky. I'd never seen so many pregnant women in one town. Time to get to the bottom of this.

"How long have you been pregnant?" I asked the closer one.

"Four weeks," she replied.

"Four weeks?" said Dana, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head. "You're a little big for four weeks, don't you think? Aren't you worried?"

"No, I'm just happy happy," she said like a very, very bad actress reading a very, very lame script.

Then I did something I don't normally like to do because it makes me feel queasy on the best of days. I used my X-ray vision... and looked inside her belly.

I'd describe to you in detail what I saw, except you'd never forgive me if I did.

Chapter 29.

"ALIEN Sp.a.w.n," I explained to Dana as diplomatically as I could. "Number 5's, by the look of them."

"Nasty," said Dana. "So all these pregnant women in town are actually filled with little Number 5s?"

"That's my theory," I said.