Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? Part 14

THE ETHEREAL WEIRDO

The smart and funny writer Nathan Rabin coined the term Manic Pixie Dream Girl to describe a version of this archetype after seeing Kirsten Dunst in the movie Elizabethtown. This girl can't be pinned down and may or may not show up when you make concrete plans. She wears gauzy blouses and braids. She decides to dance in the rain and weeps uncontrollably if she sees a sign for a missing dog or cat. She spins a globe, places her finger on a random spot, and decides to move there. This ethereal weirdo abounds in movies, but nowhere else. If she were from real life, people would think she was a homeless woman and would cross the street to avoid her, but she is essential to the male fantasy that even if a guy is boring, he deserves a woman who will find him fascinating and pull him out of himself by forcing him to go skinny-dipping in a stranger's pool.

THE WOMAN WHO IS OBSESSED WITH HER CAREER AND IS NO FUN AT ALL

I, Mindy Kaling, basically have two full-time jobs. I regularly work sixteen hours a day. But like most of the other people I know who are similarly busy, I think I'm a pleasant, pretty normal person. I am slightly offended by the way busy working women my age are presented in film. I'm not, like, always barking orders into my hands-free phone device and telling people constantly, "I have no time for this!" I didn't completely forget how to be nice or feminine because I have a career. Also, since when does having a job necessitate women having their hair pulled back in a severe, tight bun? Often this uptight woman has to "re-learn" how to seduce a man because her estrogen leaked out of her from leading so many board meetings, and she has to do all sorts of crazy, unnecessary c.r.a.p, like eat a hot dog in a libidinous way or something. Having a challenging job in movies means the compa.s.sionate, warm, or s.e.xy side of your brain has fallen out.

THE FORTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD MOTHER OF THE THIRTY-YEAR-OLD MALE LEAD

I am so accustomed to the young mom phenomenon, that when I saw the poster for The Proposal I wondered for a second if the proposal in the movie was Ryan Reynolds suggesting he send his mother, Sandra Bullock, to an old-age home.

However, given the popularity of teen moms right now, this could actually be the wave of the future.

THE Sa.s.sY BEST FRIEND

You know that really h.o.r.n.y and hilarious best friend who is always asking about your relations.h.i.+p and has nothing really going on in her own life? She always wants to meet you in coffee shops or wants to go to Bloomingdale's to sample perfumes? She runs a chic d.i.l.d.o store in the West Village? Nope? Okay, that's this person.

THE SKINNY WOMAN WHO IS BEAUTIFUL AND TONED BUT ALSO GLUTTONOUS AND DISGUSTING

Again, I am more than willing to suspend my disbelief during a romantic comedy for good set decoration alone. One pristine kitchen from a Nancy Meyers movie like in It's Complicated is worth five Diane Keatons being caught half-clad in a topiary or whatever situation her character has found herself in.

But sometimes even my suspended disbelief isn't enough. I am speaking of the gorgeous and skinny heroine who is also a disgusting pig when it comes to food. And everyone in the movie-her parents, her friends, her boss-are all complicit in this huge lie. They are constantly telling her to stop eating and being such a glutton. And this actress, this poor skinny actress who so clearly lost weight to play the likable lead, has to say things like "Shut up you guys! I love cheesecake! If I want to eat an entire cheesecake, I will!" If you look closely, you can see this woman's ribs through the dress she's wearing-that's how skinny she is, this cheesecake-loving cow.

You wonder, as you sit and watch this movie, what the characters would do if they were confronted by an actual average American woman. They would all kill themselves, which would actually be kind of an interesting movie.

THE WOMAN WHO WORKS IN AN ART GALLERY

How many freakin' art galleries are out there? Are people constantly buying visual art or something? This posh-smart-cla.s.sy job is a favorite in movies. It's in the same realm as kindergarten teacher in terms of accessibility: guys don't really get it, but the trappings of it are likable and nonthreatening.

ART GALLERY WOMAN: Dust off the Rothko. We have an important buyer coming into town and this is a really big deal for my career. I have no time for this!

This is one of the rare cliches that actually has a male counterpart. Whenever you meet a handsome, charming, successful man in a romantic comedy, the heroine's friend always says the same thing. "He's really successful-he's an...

(say it with me)

...architect!"

There are like nine people in the entire world who are architects, and one of them is my dad. None of them looks like Patrick Dempsey.

All About The Office

THE OFFICE is a big chapter in my life, so that is why it's a big chapter in my book. It is what I'm best known for and what people ask me about the most. I'd like to be cool enough to say I'm sick of talking about it, the way Jennifer Lopez doesn't want to talk about her b.u.t.t anymore, but The Office is still a significant part of my life, and I think it is awesome. So, here we go.

People are always asking me what my castmates on The Office are really like: Is Steve Carell really as nice as he seems? Is John Krasinski as cool as Jim in real life? What about Rainn Wilson; is he as big an egomaniac as Dwight? The answers are: yes, yes, and much, much worse.

I love watching The Real Housewives of any city, so I have an appreciation for lunatic divas. So it is a little disappointing that there aren't any on our show. Sure, there are occasional tantrums and arguments, and as I've said, Rainn is the absolute worst, but other than that, there's not too much to tell. We don't have any sensational meltdowns if, say, Catering accidentally puts chickpeas in a star's salad. Actually, wait, maybe I'm that person. I will throw a salad across the room if there are chickpeas in it, I swear to G.o.d.

Because people on the set are so normal, I'm usually very happy to dish about them. But I walk away from these encounters slightly disturbed, because I realize: no one wonders what I'm like in real life, because they a.s.sume I am Kelly Kapoor.

Obviously, this confusion is not something I would mind if I were playing Lara Croft or a Supreme Court justice or Serena Williams or something, but when you're playing a bit of a selfish, boy-crazy narcissist, it's a concern. And even though I'm a writer and producer (and sometimes director, technically making me a quadruple threat, what of it?) of the series, people tend to forget this in the face of the fact that the character Kelly and I both love shopping. To clear things up, here is a list of some differences between us, as I see it.

Things Kelly Would Do That I Would Not

Fake a pregnancy for attention

Fake a rape for attention

Text while showering

Consider driving away from the site of a vehicular manslaughter

Plant evidence of cheating in order to confront a boyfriend

Cry about a celebrity breakup