Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? Part 23

PETE (not budging): You're obviously leaving.

ME: Well, would someone who is sneaking out leave their coat here?

I slowly took off my jacket and, with a flourish, hurled it on a sofa. I looked at Pete triumphantly as I marched out of the room. I was still marching triumphantly as I walked down the hall, past the women's bathroom, into the elevator, across the lobby of the Standard to the street, where I got into my car and drove off.

The jacket was from Forever 21. Sorry, Pete, you don't know the freedom of the seventeen-dollar coat when caught at a party with an ex-boyfriend and his new hot girlfriend. And that, my friends, is how to execute an Irish exit. Thank you, Forever 21!

*I feel like I'm constantly being ditched for the Burning Man Festival. The Burning Man Festival is an annual festival that is an "experiment in human expression." Only something reprehensible would be so vague. There are only a few things that I've never actually done that I can say I categorically hate. One is Burning Man. The others are sky-diving, menage a trois, and when parents tell stories about their babies and incorporate impressions of their babies' voices. I love hearing about your kid! Just use your normal voice!

Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to Be Great

FORGIVE ME, but being a guy is so easy. A little Kiehl's, a little b.u.mble and b.u.mble, a peacoat, and Chuck Taylors, and you're hot.

Here's my incredibly presumptuous guide to being an awesome guy, inside and out. Mostly out, for who am I to instruct you on inner improvement? Let me say here that if you're some kind of iconoclastic dude who goes by the beat of your own drum, you will find this insufferable. I totally understand this. But why are you even reading this book at all? Shouldn't you be hiking the Appalachian Trail right now or something?

1. Buy a well-fitting peacoat from J.Crew.

Or wait until Christmas sales are raging and buy a designer one, like John Varvatos or something. Black looks good on everyone (Obvious Cops) and matches everything (Duh Police), but charcoal gray is good, too. You can always look like a put-together Obama speechwriter with a cla.s.sy peacoat. Oh, and get it cleaned once a year. Sounds prissy, but a good cleaning can return a peacoat to its true-black l.u.s.ter, and make you look as snappy as you did on the first day you wore it.

2. Have a signature drink like James Bond.

It's silly, but I'm always so impressed if a guy has a cool go-to drink. Obviously, if it has a ton of fancy ingredients, like pureed berries or whatever, you can look a little bit like a high-maintenance weirdo, so don't do that. If you like Scotch, have a favorite brand. It makes you look all self-actualized and grown-up. (You don't have to say your drink order with the theatrical panache of James Bond. That's for close-ups.)

3. Own several pairs of dark-wash straight-leg jeans.

Don't get bootcut, don't get skinny-just a nice pair of Levi's, without any embellishments on the pockets. No embellishments anywhere. At all. Nothing. Oh my G.o.d.

4. Wait until all the women have gotten on or off an elevator before you get on or off.

Look, I'm not some chivalry nut or anything, but this small act of politeness is very visual and memorable.

5. When you think a girl looks pretty, say it.

But don't reference the thing that might reveal you are aware of the backstage process: e.g., say, "You look gorgeous tonight," not "I like how you did your makeup tonight." Also, a compliment means less if you compliment the thing and not the way the girl is carrying it off. So say, "You look so s.e.xy in those boots," rather than "Those boots are really cool." I didn't make the boots! I don't care if you like the boots' design! We are magic to you: you have no idea how we got to look as good as we do.

6. Avoid asking if someone needs help in a kitchen or at a party, just start helping.

Same goes with dishes. (Actually, if you don't want to help, you should ask them if they need help. No self-respecting host or hostess will say yes to that question.)

7. Have one great cologne that's not from the drugstore.

Just one. Wear very little of it, all the time. I cannot tell you how s.e.xy it is to be enveloped in a hug by a man whose smell you remember. Then, anytime I smell that cologne, I think of you. Way to invade my psyche, guy! s.h.i.+vers down spine central!

8. Your girlfriend's sibling or parents might be totally nuts, but always defend them.

Always. All a girl wants to do is to get along with her family, and if you are on the side of making it easy, you will be loved eternally. It might be easier to condemn them-especially if she's doing that already-but, remarkably, even if they are murderers, she will find the good in them, especially if you start tras.h.i.+ng them. Be the guy who says: "Hey, let's go visit your brother in prison on prison visiting day." Most likely she'll never make you actually do it, and she will always remember you offered.

9. Kiehl's for your skin, b.u.mble and b.u.mble for your hair.

Maybe a comb. That is all you need. And when girls look in your medicine cabinet (which they will obviously do within the first five minutes of coming to your place), you'll look all cla.s.sily self-restrained because you'll have only two beauty products. You're basically a cowboy.

10. I really think guys only need two pairs of shoes.

A nice pair of black shoes and a pair of Chuck Taylors. The key, of course, is that you need to replace your Chuck Taylors every single year. You cannot be lax about this. Those shoes start to stink like h.e.l.l. They cost forty dollars. You can afford a new pair every year. And if you can't, why can't you? You have much bigger problems. Stop reading this and go deal with them.

11. Bring wine or chocolate to everything.

People love when guys do that. Not just because of the gift, but because it is endearing to imagine you standing in line at Trader Joe's before the party.

12. Get a little jealous now and again, even if you're not strictly a jealous guy.

Too much, and it's frightening, but a possessive hand on her back at a party when your girlfriend looks super hot is awesome.

Non-Traumatic Things That Have Made Me Cry

I FEEL LIKE WE know each other pretty well by now. You've read about African kids bullying me, Broadway plays rejecting me, and my boss throwing me out of my place of employment. When I've cried about these things, the pain was real. So I guess I should actually feel grateful for all the times I cried from something that did not scar me emotionally. Isn't that what makes us wiser, or more interesting, or something? Nietzsche did a whole thing about this. Anyway, in addition to crying at typical girl cry-bait, like The Notebook, I also have been moved to tears by some other stuff, which I've listed in no particular order:

THE PROMISE OF EVAN LIEBERMAN