Marrying An Older Man Part 18

swer to that. You never did. You're not like that. You never were. Yours is a settled soul, Jesse. You were born for marriage and family."

Jesse laughed bitterly. "How little you know me, baby brother."

Rye's grip on Jesse's shoulder intensified, then became a kind of ma.s.sage. "I know you better than you think, Jess. I've never seen you fight anything so hard as you're fighting your feelings for Caroline, and frankly, I'm puzzled."

"Nothing puzzling about it," Jesse muttered. "She's too d.a.m.ned young."

Rye chuckled. "I'd say she's old enough for anything the two of you might have in mind."

"You don't know what I have in mind."

"Yeah, right, and babies grow under cabbage leaves."

Jesse turned his head away. "It's not as simple as you make it sound, and don't pretend you know what I'm saying because you don't. No one does. Just take it from me and shut up about it."

For a moment Rye said nothing, but then he squeezed Jesse's shoulder once more and let his hand fall away. "All right."

Jesse fought the sudden urge to spill his guts. Again. For all the good it would do him, had done him. What was wrong with Caroline, anyway? Why couldn't she get it through her head that he was not the man she thought him to be? The only explanation he could come up with was her youth. She was just too young to understand that sometimes life couldn't be made to fit the shape of one's dreams and expectations. He, on the other hand, knew it only too well. He pushed those thoughts away and concentrated on his brother.

"Listen, you drive careful."

"Don't worry. Precious cargo."

Jesse felt a stab of intense jealousy, but the next moment he couldn't be anything but happy for his brother. G.o.d knew that Rye had suffered plenty with his first marriage. He deserved this happiness. Awkwardly Jesse hugged him, keeping it quick. "Stay in touch."

"You know it. And, Jess..."

-"Yeah."

"Maybe you ought to take your own advice." "And what advice would that be?"

Rye brought his hands to his hips. "Remember when you !Sltought the extra horses out to meet the cattle drive, what you ; to me that day you left? You said I should just let Kara make me happy for a while. That turned out to be good advice, brother. I wish you'd do the same, even if it turns out only to be temporary lor you and Caroline."

Jesse nodded just to get Rye to shut up. He knew he couldn't do what Rye suggested. Caroline deserved better, not that Kara hadn't, didn't, deserve everything Rye could give her, but then mat was the point: Rye could-and Jesse had felt certain even back then that he would-give Kara his heart. That was a luxury in which Jesse himself did not dare indulge. But Rye couldn't know that, and that, too, was for the best. Jesse drew himself up tall and put on a pleasant face.

"Glad you came, Rye. Take care of everyone." .;:*- "You know it."

Rye glanced at his wrist.w.a.tch, then, and grimaced. "Kara, honey, time to go."

She called back that she'd get Champ. Two minutes later hugs had been exchanged all around, Rye's family was loaded in the big truck, and Jesse stood aside as his parents and Caroline hurried back into the house out of the cold. He stood on the edge of ?&e drive, watching as Rye drove away with his expectant wife md son. What he wouldn't give to be in Rye's boots. What he i wouldn't give to be different from the way he was.

He told himself that a lesser man would ignore what he knew about himself and take another chance on love, but he didn't .really believe that. How could he ever forget that his was not the only heart and life he risked? One woman had already died, her dreams destroyed. He couldn't let it happen again, not to Caroline.

^Especially not to Caroline.

"Don't worry about anything," Caroline said. "Just concen- *Jtrate on getting better.''

*V Sarah pressed her cheek to Caroline's and laughed. "Oh, I 177.

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know I'm leaving everything in good hands. I know you'll take care of Jesse and the boys."

"Mom!" Jesse protested. "Fm'not helpless, you know. I've been taking care of myself for a long time now."

"Of course you have, dear," Sarah said, the twinkle in her eye telling Caroline that she knew very well how Jesse would fare without her. "Nevertheless, I feel better knowing that Caroline is here with you."

Jesse grumbled and stomped toward the garage with the last of the bags. Haney was already warming up the car, a fact attested to by the white plume of exhaust fluttering on the crisp morning air. Sarah turned to Caroline again with a smile on her handsome face and a mock sigh.

"I did my best, sugar, but he's still a man, G.o.d bless him."

Caroline laughed. "We'll do fine. Don't worry."

"I won't," Sarah said, squeezing her hand. "Do you mind one final bit of advice?"

"Not at all. What is it?"

Sarah pursed her lips. "There's an old saying. Make hay while the sun s.h.i.+nes. Well, the sun's s.h.i.+ning, dear, if you take my meaning." The gleam in her eye left little doubt.

Caroline gulped and returned the pressure of Sarah's hand. "I do love him, Sarah. I can't help it."

Sarah slipped an arm around Caroline's shoulder. "I know you do."

"But it's complicated."

Sarah nodded then said, "I don't know why he's so fixated on the age thing."

"It's more than that," Caroline said.

Sarah shook her head. "I can't imagine what."

Caroline bit her Up consideringly. She had the feeling that Jesse had told no one else what he'd told her, but she didn't know that. Until she did, she wasn't certain what she should say. She decided on a careful foray. "I-I think it has to do with Kay."

Sarah straightened and put her arms around Caroline. "Oh, I don't think so, not really. -That was so long ago. He has to be over it by now. I think he's just set in his ways, stubborn, and- I've been thinking a lot about this lately-Haney and I have al- ways been here to share the load, you know, and maybe that hasn't always been for the best."

"Now, that is nonsense," Caroline said firmly. "This is your ranch, yours and Haney's and Jesse's."

"Umm, but there comes a time to retire," Sarah said. "Maybe Haney and I have pushed that boundary."

Caroline was shocked. "Sarah! That is the arthritis talking. That's all that is, and once it's under control--and it will be under control-you'll be raring to go again, you'll see."

Sarah nodded and smiled. "I suppose you're right."

"You know I am."

Haney appeared at the end of the garage then. "What're you waiting on, for pity's sake? It's time to go."

"Oh, all right!" Sarah called. Then she turned to Caroline for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You take care of yourself, too, now, young lady, while you're taking care of everyone else."

"I will. Don't worry!"

"I won't," Sarah a.s.sured her, carefully setting off down the path. Jesse appeared to help her, his arm encircling her waist protectively.

"Have a safe trip!" Caroline called, waving.

Sarah waved back while moving down the walk and speaking quickly to Jesse, who nodded and nodded, though obviously more concerned with seeing her safely to the car than whatever instructions or advice she was imparting. Caroline watched, huddling inside her coat on the small stoop, until they disappeared into the garage. A few moments later, Jesse reappeared, stepping back into the snow as Haney guided the car out of the garage and onto the front driveway. With a single look over his shoulder in her direction, Jesse trudged off toward the barn. Caroline squinted up into the bright glare of a mid-January sun and turned her thoughts to making hay.

What was it about a man's stocking foot that made a woman want to rip his clothes off? It shouldn't mean a thing, that he was sitting there fully dressed except for his boots, which he had removed and placed neatly beside the couch, but for some reason she couldn't keep her gaze off his feet where they rested on the 178.

ottoman. The movie they were supposed to be watching on the television had gone by in a tumble of meaningless sounds and sights. Meanwhile, his every move registered physically with her, even though he never touched her, keeping carefully to his end of the long sofa.

A commercial came on, the increased volume penetrating the almost s.e.xual stupor in which she found herself. Caroline sat up straight, aware suddenly of a hollow rumble in her midsection. "I think I'll make some popcorn. Would you like some popcorn?"

"Yeah, sure, if you want."

"Fine. I'll make some popcorn."

She got up and went into the kitchen, mechanically going through the steps of popping popcorn in the microwave. At this rate, she told herself, she would be insane by the time Sarah and Haney returned from the Denver clinic. She and Jesse were banging around this big old house like a pair of haunts, each trapped in his or her own dimension. They ate at the same table, sat on the same couch, climbed the same stairs, but they might as well have been doing those things on separate planets; and yet, at the very same time, she was painfully aware of his every movement and expression when he was near. She didn't doubt, couldn't doubt, that it was the same for him, but she was beginning to understand that he'd slit his own throat before he'd admit it. Somehow she was going to have to force his hand. But how?

She returned to the living room a few minutes later carrying a bowl of popcorn and two canned colas, only to find that Jesse had moved to his father's recliner. Well, he wasn't getting off that easily. Handing him the bowl of popcorn and one of the sodas, she pushed the ottoman over beside his chair and plopped herself down, reaching a hand into the popcorn bowl in his lap. Grudgingly, Jesse balanced the bowl on the arm of the chair and stared at the television. Caroline popped the top on her soda and pretended not to notice when he sidled away from her, squas.h.i.+ng himself into the far corner of the recliner.

The television had been giving them a little trouble the past couple of days. Without warning it would start to hiss and continue doing so until someone tapped the end of the sound k.n.o.b.

If9 As chance would have it, 'the thing chose just that moment to start sounding like a roomful of angry snakes. "Oh, for pity's sake!" Jesse grumbled, rocking his chair forward.

"I'll do it," Caroline said, getting up.

Just as she pa.s.sed in front of the recliner, he kicked back again, sending the footrest up and out. The edge connected sharply with her knee. Crying out, she pitched forward and found herself facedown in Jesse's lap, one hand sinking down between the seat cus.h.i.+on and the side of the chair, the other between his legs, popcorn flying. Awareness jolted through her. An instant later, he was practically climbing the back of the chair to get away from her. Disgusted with them both, she groped for the arms of the chair and pushed herself up.

"Stop acting like I'm going to bite you!" she snapped at him, regaining her feet. Stop thinking about biting him! she told herself.

Jesse settled back down into the chair. "Sorry. I just- It was my fault."

"Yes, it was," she agreed. Reaching across to the television, she slapped the end of the volume k.n.o.b and the hissing stopped, Jesse muttered something about shopping for a new television. Caroline folded her arms and looked down at him. "Why don't you just get it fixed? There's nothing wrong with it but the volume."

He nodded, not even looking at her. "d.a.m.n it, Jesse, this isn't fair!"

He gaped at her. "It's not my fault the television needs work!"

"That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it!"

He bounded up out of the chair, nearly knocking her over.' 'I'm going to bed."

"Oh, no, you don't!" She spun around as he pushed by her, kicking through a mound of popcorn on the floor. She snagged * Ms s.h.i.+rtsleeve. "Not until we've talked this through."

He jerked his arm away but stood his ground, his back to her. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes, mere is. I'm in4ove with you, and I think you have feelings for-"

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He cut her off with a chopping motion of his hand. "Don't even go there! Any feelings I have for you are strictly carnal!"

Caroline drew herself up tightly. "I don't believe that."

"What you believe isn't my concern."

Sighing, she tried another argument. "Jesse, you can't live the rest of your life alone."

He turned on her then. "I'm not alone!"

"Yes, you are, and you know it. All these years since Kay died and not even your parents know what you've been feeling. If that's not alone, I don't know what is."

He looked as though she'd hit him. "You don't know anything about it."

"You've been beating yourself up all these years because you didn't feel for her what you do feel for me," she said doggedly.

He shouted at her. "Don't you dare tell me what I'm feeling!"

"Then you tell me!" she shouted back.

"Right now I could strangle you with my bare hands," he gritted out.

Caroline sighed. She wasn't the least frightened of him, and what had to be said had to be said. "Jesse, I've been thinking about it a lot, and you said it yourself. You didn't love Kay like a woman. That doesn't mean you feel the same way about me or that you will."

"d.a.m.n it, Caroline, I don't feel any way about you except frustrated! You're driving me crazy! Why can't you just let it alone?"

Caroline took a moment to gather her thoughts and square her shoulders so he would know that what she was going to say was not a knee-jerk reaction to his repudiation.' 'I won't leave it alone, Jesse," she finally said, "because I don't want to waste the next ten years of my life wis.h.i.+ng I'd done or said something more to make you understand. I won't live with the kind of regret that has eaten you alive, Jesse Wagner. I know what kind of man I want and what kind of life I want."

"And how would you know that?" he retorted smartly. "You have no experience at-"

"I have plenty of experience, I'll have you know!"

"Oh, please. At your age?"

"Yes, at my age!"

Suddenly he was right in her face, his nose practically b.u.mping hers. "And just how many men have you known, pray tell?"

"Enough!"

"How many?"

"Dozens!"

He reeled backward, arms flailing before settling once more at his waist "Well, you sure had me fooled."