No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 17

"Katy, please, just..."

"Go now," she screeched.

"But Katy."

"Now!" she screamed.

Chapter 19.

Katy half-opened one eye to find herself lying on her couch surrounded by darkness apart from the flickering silent TV screen. Where had everyone gone? Why was it so quiet and why was it dark? It hadn't been this quiet the last time she was conscious, she was sure.

Then it happened. She felt her body start to tense all on its own without her mind telling it to. Then the tension wasn't just mildly irritating, it was all-consuming, like someone was inside her with a million cattle prods. The prods roamed for a few seconds around the insides of her belly, leaving no patch untouched before retreating as quickly as they had emerged.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, what was that?" she cried out, clutching her belly, the pain causing her to pant. Feeling the tense swollen globe still encased in her pyjamas, the events of the day came flooding back as well as the dawning realisation that she may well have just experienced a contraction. She waited for the panting to calm down before easing herself upright and turning the TV off, plunging her into bleak darkness.

She scrabbled for the table lamp at the end of the sofa, feeling absolutely washed out. She didn't have the energy to go into labour. Not after the day she'd had. It was probably just the baby moving. Or one of those pretend contraction things. Hicks or something. She sat very still, willing the pain not to return. A few minutes pa.s.sed and all appeared to be normal.

Bath, she thought. Bath then bed, then sleep, then tomorrow things may seem less dire than today. Surely she had well and truly hit rock bottom.

She went to move but just as she did the cattle prods. .h.i.t her again causing her to double up and cry out just like an old cow.

She rocked herself and breathed as best she could in between the pained mooing. When it finally subsided she sat down heavily on the floor in shock.

Not now. Please not now. I can't do it now. I'm not ready. My head isn't ready, she said to herself.

"Dear G.o.d. I know I only talk to you when I want something, or at Christmas when I hear small children singing Away in a Manger and it makes me cry. But this time I'm really desperate. I promise if you help me I will talk to you every day and I will put money into those little envelopes old ladies leave rather than throwing them in the bin. I will do loads of other good things as well I promise, but please G.o.d give me a break. Even if it is just until tomorrow, please let it not be now," said Katy. She was on her knees with her hands pressed firmly together, eyes squeezed tightly shut when the next contraction came.

"So you want to teach me a lesson, is that it? For getting myself into this in the first place. Well, I'm telling you, you'll be sorry, you leave me with no option," she huffed.

Katy pulled herself up and staggered out to the hallway, picked up the phone and dialled.

"This had better be good; you have no idea the wonder I have put on ice to pick up the phone to you,"

"Daniel," she said through gritted teeth. "Get here now. You are about to witness the wonder of childbirth. I'm in labour." She slammed down the phone, took the front door off the latch and waddled into the bathroom.

She was aware that there was some substantial leakage going on somewhere below. Had her waters broken or was it normal to wet yourself in panic when you first have a contraction? She desperately tried to remember what Joan had said in the cla.s.ses. All that kept coming back was that you may have contractions for a while before it is time to go into hospital. She sat with her head in her hands on the toilet, trying to summon up the energy to get up and get changed before the next contraction took its toll. She hobbled back into her bedroom, managed somehow to get herself into another pair of pyjamas and onto the bed before the next one overtook her.

She had no idea how many times the cattle prods returned by the time she heard a loud knock at the door.

"It's open," she shouted.

There was a pause followed by a louder more insistent knock.

"Katy, it's me, I have hot towels and tequila. Let me in," came Daniel's voice.

"It's open," she shouted even louder.

Another pause.

The knock came back again.

"Katy, are you alright?"

"For G.o.d's sake just open the b.l.o.o.d.y door," she screamed.

"Can I help dear?" she heard her neighbour say to Daniel out on the landing.

"Yes, it's Katy. She rang to say she'd gone into labour and now she's not answering. Do you know if she left already?"

"Not recently. It's been dead quiet. Mind you there's been men coming and going all day. Making a right racket they have, shouting and screaming. I said to my Dave at one point that he should come over and see what's happening, what with her condition and everything. But he's b.l.o.o.d.y useless. Can't get his a.r.s.e off the sofa for love nor money. Do you want me to go and knock on our living room wall? It connects to her bedroom and the walls are like paper. We have to turn our telly up some nights, if you know what I mean."

"Really," replied Daniel. "Have you had to do that recently then?"

The door flew open.

"The door was unlocked you useless poof. Get in here and do something. Good night Mrs. Jenkins."

Daniel ran like a startled rabbit into the apartment and the door slammed shut behind him.

"Useless poof? Useless poof? Katy, I normally find your insults entertaining but please use a little creativity. The obvious is so beneath you."

Katy was holding onto Daniel's shoulders and puffing like a forty-a-day smoker having just run up the stairs.

"What's with the white suit?" she finally managed to puff out.

"You mean my labour partner outfit. Well I figured white was really the only option given the medical nature of the event. But we must be careful to not get baby gunk on it as I need to wear it again to Alan and Chris's civil ceremony next week."

She gave a low guttural growl.

"Is that really necessary? I have left a cowboy Strip-O-Gram I met last night at Steve's birthday bash, gagging for it at home, so stop being so mean to me."

"It's coming," she grunted.

"It was but you put a stop to that darling."

"Not you stupid, a contraction it's coming just about... now."

She howled. Then swore. Then howled a lot more.

"Oh my G.o.d, what is that thing doing to you," said Daniel, who looked petrified. "s.h.i.+t Katy, is this really normal? Jesus Christ, I am not supposed to be doing this. I have made a lifestyle choice that ent.i.tles me to have nothing to do with childbirth. What the h.e.l.l am I doing here?"

"Just help me," said Katy weakly. "Help me back to bed and then just hold my hand or something."

"Back to bed. Are you mad? We are going to the hospital now. I can't be alone with you in this state. You need to be near people with knives and things, for your own safety."

"No Daniel. The contractions aren't close enough together yet. I need to wait a bit longer. Call the hospital and tell them I've started and that we'll call them when the contractions are five minutes apart."

"OK, OK," said Daniel, who was already breathing as fast as Katy.

Daniel took Katy's arm and started to lead her back to the bedroom.

"Don't do that thing again just yet, will you? You know, the wailing thing," asked Daniel.

"I'll try," she said, plopping back down on the bed. "The number is by the bed in the front of that book. You have to ask for the labour ward."

He picked up the phone and dialled with his back to Katy, hoping that if he ignored her she wouldn't start making horrible noises again.

"Labour ward and be quick," he barked.

Katy could vaguely hear the gentle ring at the other end as Daniel was put through.

"They're not picking up. What are we going to do? Let's just go down there Katy, please. I can get you there really quick," said Daniel.

"Labour ward," said a woman's voice on the end of the phone.

"Christ, you are there are you? Right, I have a woman here screaming blue murder. Tell me what to do."

"Is she in labour?"

"No, she's in Timbuktu. Of course she's b.l.o.o.d.y well in labour, why else would I be talking to you?"

"Hey now, just calm down. I know it can be very frightening but you need to be calm for your wife now. You getting upset will not help."

"She is not my wife," said Daniel angrily.

"I am sorry sir, girlfriend."

"She is not my girlfriend. I have more sense. Now please tell me what to do."

"How far apart are her contractions?"

"How should I know? I just got here and she is screaming so hard I can't even hear myself think."

"About twenty minutes," interrupted Katy.

"She says twenty minutes. That's close enough right? I'll bring her straight in."

"Just hang on one second. Ask her if her waters have broken."

"Some mucussy discharge," muttered Katy, bracing herself as the next contraction approached.

Daniel leaned over and held the receiver to Katy's mouth.

"I love you Katy but there ain't no way on this planet those words are ever gonna pa.s.s these lips. Say it again."

He pulled the receiver back as soon as Katy had explained what had been going on in the wet stuff department.

"She gave you the right answer, right? I'll get her in the car p.r.o.nto, shall I?"

"To be honest, home is where she should be at the moment. Where she's most comfortable. She's only in the very early stages of labour and if you bring her in we'll probably send her straight home again. She is definitely in the right place."

Katy chose that moment to let out her next yowl. Daniel held the phone up to her mouth again so that the full force of her contraction could be heard.

"Does that sound anything like a woman who is in the right place? She sounds like someone who is in as wrong a place as anyone could be. That is just not normal."

"Sir, I promise you, it is normal and you will help your friend the most by keeping her where she is and nice and calm. Now call us again when the contractions are five minutes apart or when she thinks her waters have broken fully."

Daniel stared at the phone.

"f.u.c.k you," he shouted before slamming it down.

He sat on the edge of the bed, shaking slightly.

"I can do this. This is easy. I have achieved great things with my life. I can get through this. Daniel, this is easy," he said to himself before taking a few deep breaths and turning around to face Katy with a large fixed smile on his face.

"Fancy a c.o.c.ktail?" he offered.

"No, I'm pregnant you idiot, I can't drink."

"Mind if I have one?"

"Daniel, this is about me, not you. Being my labour partner is about you forgetting what you need and being there for whatever I need."

"It's just that you usually say I'm more fun when I have had a few. Thought I might cheer you up more if I had a drink."

"Daniel, you do have to drive me to the hospital later."

"Good point," sighed Daniel.

Katy s.h.i.+fted her body.

"Don't move too quickly, it may start you off again."

"I'm fine; my back was just hurting a bit."

They both stared at the wall for a while.

"You can talk to me you know. Labour doesn't make you deaf or mute," said Katy.

"Sorry. I'm just holding my breath waiting for the next contraction thingy."

"They seem to have gone off a bit."