Dear Cassie Part 21

The three of them grumbled and walked with scuffing feet to the first tent. I thought about my tent. Was there anything inside it I wouldn't want Ben to see? Why the h.e.l.l did I care?

That left Nez and me, and I knew before Rawe even said it that she was planning to f.u.c.k me royally.

"Nez, Wick, you two go gather some wood," she said, looking right at me to let me know she knew she was f.u.c.king me royally.

"Can I trade with someone?" Nez asked. I saw her look over at Ben, who was taking down Eagan's tent. At least I didn't have to see Eagan fumbling and struggling with it again.

I knew she was saying it because of me and not because of the wood, which was fine-I felt the same way. I didn't have the energy to ask to switch partners, mostly because I knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

"No," Rawe said, clenching her teeth. Nerone stood next to her and clenched his teeth, too, a united front of different-headed bookends.

Nez and I didn't move.

"That means today," Nerone said. "We're all waiting for breakfast."

Nez huffed and started walking quickly toward the woods at the north of the camp.

"And get enough for a decent size fire," Rawe called after her, like she wasn't satisfied with Nerone having the last word.

Nez was walking so fast I had to run to catch up to her. And I wanted to catch up to her. If I had to go look for wood while other things looked for us, there was no way I wanted to be alone.

It felt immediately cooler when I entered the woods, the shade from the trees coloring everything gray.

Nez stopped and turned to me. "What, are you chasing me now?"

"I wouldn't have to if you weren't walking so fast," I said, surprised that I was actually out of breath.

"I want to get this over with," she said. "The less time I have to spend alone with you, the better."

"f.u.c.k off, Nez," I said.

"Do you ever say anything else?" Nez asked, her lips puckered like my words were something she didn't like the taste of.

"I never want to say anything else," I said, then added, "to you."

"Because you're jealous," Nez said.

"Of what?" I laughed.

"Me," she said. "Ben and me."

A breeze blew through, whipping her black, black hair in front of her face like shadows. The look of it made me s.h.i.+ver.

"You're delusional," I said.

She shrugged. "Ben says you're jealous and he's right."

"You don't know s.h.i.+t and Ben knows even less," I said, feeling hot needles start to poke at my hands, trying to force them into fists.

"I see the way you look at him," Nez said, almost sang.

"I don't." I paused. "Look at him."

She snorted. "We always want what we can't have."

A crow cawed and bounded from one tree to the next.

"You suck, Nez," I said, starting to walk past her. I should have kept walking. I should have ignored her. I never did what I should do.

"I suck?" She laughed. "At least I use your first name, Ca.s.sie. Do you use mine? Do you even know mine?"

"I never asked you to use my first name," I said, spinning to look at her, not wanting to admit I actually didn't know hers.

"You call Ben by his first name. Ever think about that?" she asked.

"How do you know what I call him?" I asked, immediately feeling silly for it. It didn't matter. Nez could see right through me. Regardless of how much I said I hated Ben, how much I acted like I wanted him to leave me alone, she was right-I did use his first name.

"You don't even call Troyer Laura," Nez said, her voice rising to meet the top of the trees.

"Neither do you," I retorted.

"But I'm not her friend, am I?" Nez asked. Her face was calm, as still as the sky far, far above us.

"I wouldn't know," I said, searching for something to say next. "I don't know what you are, Nez," I hissed. If it bothered her so much I was using her last name, I was going to use it so much it made her ears bleed.

"You think you're so tough," she said, "but I see you. You're scared, scared of everyone, scared of yourself."

"You're the one who should be scared," I said, even though her words. .h.i.t me right in my lower stomach, punched me there, like I usually did.

"Oh really?" she asked. "I know things, Ca.s.sie. Things about you."

"Don't," I said, though I'm not sure why. I didn't have any idea what she was going to say, but for some reason I knew that once she said it, that would be it.

The last straw.

"I saw your file." She smiled evilly. "Troyer's, too. You know it has medical info in it, right?"

"You're a f.u.c.king liar," I said, like I was responding to any annoying thing that came out of her mouth, but really I felt the woods around me start to spin like I was in the center of a merry-go-round. The trees were the horses, the leaf- and dried-pine-needle-covered ground the beach-ball-colored base. Could Nez be telling the truth? Could what I'd done that day at the clinic be in some "file" that had been forwarded to Rawe? Did that mean other people knew? Ben? Or worse, my parents?

Was that why Ben was ignoring me?

My stomach felt like the hull of a s.h.i.+p riding wave after wave.

"Listen," Nez said matter-of-factly, "I'm not the one you should be angry with. You should be angry with yourself."

I couldn't talk. The hot needles were back in my hands, my neck, my chest. Angry little p.r.i.c.ks, buzzing like bees.

Nez looked at me, waiting.

When I didn't move, she spoke again, the words seeping out. "You should be disgusted with yourself."

I felt myself zoom over to her like a magnet. I couldn't help it. I was right in her face, my teeth bared. I said nothing, but I felt a growl in the pit of my stomach that wanted to well up.

"Forget it," Nez said, turning away from me. "You're not worth it."

For some reason, that sentence went right to the center of my chest. The same place I still felt the sting from Aaron's actions. Felt the pain of being sent here and having my father seem not to care either way. Felt it in the lack of words from my mother for years and years.

Nez bent down in front of a tree to gather some sticks and, without even thinking, I lunged for her. I meant only to shove her, to let her know I wasn't going to let her f.u.c.k with me, that I wasn't going to let anyone ever again. That was what I'd meant, but instead I pushed her off her feet and she fell. Hard. Hard enough that her face smacked the tree and I heard her nose crunch.

She screeched, loud. So loud her voice broke through the shadows around us like harsh, angry sunlight.

"Nez," I said, reaching out for her. I hadn't meant to hurt her, just scare her. Maybe I had sort of meant to hurt her, but really this wasn't even about her. I tried to pick her up, but she squirmed away from me. Her hands covered her nose like it was going to fall off.

"I didn't mean to," I said.

"You did mean to, and now you're in deep," she said, standing up, still covering her nose as she ran toward camp.

f.u.c.k.

I followed behind her, could hear her pus.h.i.+ng through the woods, calling for Rawe. She moved like she was running through the jungle with a machete-fast, thunderous. If she was really that hurt, she didn't seem like it.

From up ahead, I saw Nez enter the clearing where our camp was. I wasn't ready to face Rawe. To face whatever being "in deep" would really mean. I hid behind a tree and watched as Nez fell to her knees and started to wail.

Rawe ran over to her. Troyer ran, too, and stood behind Rawe, who turned and grimaced at her unexpected shadow.

"What the h.e.l.l happened?" Rawe asked.

"Wick pushed me," Nez cried through her hands. "She hit me. Look at my nose."

I could tell she was making herself cry, that though she might have been in pain, it wasn't as much as she was claiming. But I had pushed her. Her nose was swollen and bleeding, so it didn't matter what had really happened. I knew that about this. I know that about everything.

"Wick, get over here," Rawe yelled.

I was still hiding behind the tree. I didn't move.

"Now," Rawe growled; she must have sensed I was there. It's not like I was known for my tracking or camouflage skills.

I walked over to the three of them with my head down. Nez's hands were covering her nose and mouth like the mask the doctor wore at the clinic, but her black eyes. .h.i.t mine. Her way of saying, I told you so.

"What happened?" Rawe asked, looking at me.

"Nothing," I said, unsure why I was bothering to lie. Something had definitely happened.

"What's rule number three?" Rawe asked, putting her arm around Nez and helping her up.

"No fighting," I mumbled.

"What's that?" Rawe said, cupping her hand around her ear like a smart-a.s.s.

"No fighting," I said. "But I didn't hit her." I wanted Rawe to know that.

I looked over at Troyer. She was shaking like she was either afraid of me or afraid for me.

Probably both.

"She did," Nez said, her voice thick with tears. "She pushed me."

"Did you?" Rawe asked. Her lips were a thin pink line while she waited for my answer. "This will go a lot better for you if you tell the truth."

"I did," I fumbled, "but-"

"But what? I don't see a scratch on you," Rawe interrupted. "Did she hit you first?"

How could I tell her Nez had started it with words? With words that hurt me more than her nose hurt her? I couldn't.

"You know what happens now," Rawe said gravely.

I didn't. I looked at Troyer, her eyes filled with tears. I guess she knew what happened now. It must have been something else I missed while I was at the infirmary.

"I get sent home, or jail, or whatever," I said, a question in my voice even though it was a statement, even though it was so not whatever. But I had a new low to compare my life to now, one that began and ended at the clinic. There was no way I was breaking down with Nez standing there. With the boys staring at us and straining to overhear what was happening even though Nerone kept yelling at them to get back to work. If Ben couldn't look at me before, he was more than making up for it now.

"No," Rawe said, shaking her head, "we are way past that. There's less than a week left."

"I apologize?" I asked, realizing I hadn't even done that yet.

"You're going into solitary," Rawe said.

I heard Nez start to laugh, then cover it up with a wail.

"What, like, alone in a tent all day?" I asked, wondering how I could be locked up in so much open s.p.a.ce.

"No," Rawe said, crossing her arms so tight it was like she was afraid her ribs would fall out. "Like you, alone, in the woods for the night."

"No f.u.c.king way," I said. But I could feel my voice waver.

"Now it's two nights," Rawe said, her chin jutting out.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came.

"Talk again," Rawe said, waiting.

My mouth was still open-I couldn't close it, but I didn't dare say a word. Two nights? Alone in the woods? What? The? f.u.c.k?

"Let's go; grab your pack," Rawe said, her words as tight as her braid, letting me know there was no room for debate.

"Please," I said, so quietly I could barely hear myself.

"No!" Troyer yelled. As soon as the word was out, she covered her mouth and nose like she and Nez were twins.