Calamity Jayne And The Trouble With Tandems Part 46

I blinked. Blinked again. Rubbed my eyes. Oh, G.o.d. They were still there.

"Dixie? Frankie! What are you doing here?"

Which, of course, should have been painfully obvious considering neither one of them had a st.i.tch on.

"Tressa? Is that you?"

They stared. I could only imagine the spectacle I made in my yeoman's uniform, complete with s.h.i.+ny black boots and saggy black hose, a hosiery cap bobby-pinned to my head.

I stared back, hoping I wasn't traumatized for life by the spectacle on display in front of me.

I shook my head, hoping for an Etch-a-Sketch, make-it-disappear moment.

"No time to explain!" I yelled, and reached out and grabbed hold of a wet, sleek, and slim-lined Frankie. I shoved him on the slide, head first, belly down, and flopped onto his back.

Whis.h.!.+ Off we went!

Go greased lightning! Or...whatever.

Water splashed up at me as I leaned into the incline. I heard a high-pitched scream unique to my cousin, Frankie, and decided-what the h.e.l.l-I might as well enjoy the ride and adding my scream to his.

We approached the bottom. I felt Frankie tense for the impact. Too late, I realized stomach down probably wasn't the optimal position for a naked dude to a.s.sume when going down a water slide.

Or a naked anybody for that matter.

I rolled free of Frankie and quickly lost speed. Free of my weight, (Hey now, play nice.) Frankie gained speed, flying off the end of the slide and into the gra.s.s like a projectile from a slingshot. He careened into the feet of a fleeing Kenny the Klingon Caricaturist, dropping him to the ground. I entered the gra.s.s, hose around my ankles. I crawled over to Kenny the Klingon and collapsed on top of him. Drew Van Vleet, curled up in a fetal position, moaned nearby. Behind us, screams ripped through the air like war cries from James T. Kirk's enemy, Khan.

"Aaaah!"

I looked up in time to see Keelie and Dixie vying for position down the slide. Dixie took the heat by a...er, nose.

Once arms and limbs were untangled, Keelie made her way over to me.

"You got him," she said, breathless.

I shook my head.

"Frankie, the human pin ball, got him."

I shook the Klingon.

"Yeoman First Cla.s.s Tressa Jayne Turner and Lieutenant Keelie Keller representing the Starfleet Federation," I announced. "Now, about the terms of your surrender."

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE.

The tangle of naked limbs on a gra.s.sy hill.

The type of phrase you find in romance novels to describe a poignant and beautiful encounter.

It can also be used to describe the "it's a train wreck but I can't look away" carnage that played out at the bottom of the infamous naked slide. By the time their various owners claimed arms and limbs, two things occurred to me.

One: Some people should never take a ride on the wild side naked.

And, two: This cowgirl should under no circ.u.mstances ever wear panty hose-control top or otherwise.

"What happened?"

"What the h.e.l.l?"

"I think I broke something."

"Oww! You're sitting on my face!"

"Tressa Turner, I will end you!"

That last remark came from Dixie, the Denebian Slime Devil.

"I trust you'll don some apparel first," I said, moving aside to let Keelie sit on Kenny a spell.

"Okay maggot. Spill it! Where is she? Where's my best friend?" Keelie planted a hand on each side of Kenny's head and stared down at him.

"She's safe," Kenny said. "From you! You dare to call her your best friend after the way you've treated her."

"Where is she?" Keelie grabbed his collar, looking like she was ready to conduct some Starfleet enhanced interrogation.

"Whoa! Everybody chill out," I said.

"Chill out? Is that a naked joke?" Dixie snarled.

I shook my head. "I'm saving those up for later." I turned back to Kenny. "You said Tiara's someplace safe. What did you mean?"

"What do you think I mean? Someone almost abducted her the other night. I couldn't take a chance it would happen again."

I frowned. "What do you mean, someone almost abducted her. That wasn't you?"

He shook his head. "That's why I had to take her. To keep her safe. She's my soul mate."

"Soul mate!" Keelie shrieked, grabbing his s.h.i.+rt again. "She doesn't even know you!"

"That's why I had to do something really big to get her attention. To show her how much I cared."

"So you started stalking me?"

"It was never about you." Kenny gave Keelie a dismissive look. "It was always about Tiara. About trying to help Tiara."

"Help her how?" I asked, a bit fuzzy on how sending one person a dead rat gift-wrapped could help her best friend.

"I was trying to get her to quit." He nodded at the girl sitting on his chest. "Tiara deserves her own show. She's so talented and beautiful and-"

"And you wanted to give Tiara her big break," I finished. "Because you're-"

"Soul mates," he finished. "I thought if I helped her get her own show, she'd realize how much I love her, and we'd be together forever."

Houston. Kenny has a problem.

"Really? And how's that working for you, Kenny?" I asked, thinking a bit of Dr. Phil's get-real strategy couldn't hurt.

"I was just trying to make Keelie quit, is all," Kenny said, "so Tiara would get her shot."

"You send me road kill, lace my water with a laxative, knock my agent over the head, and scare us half to death at a haunted murder house. You turn out the lights when I'm riding a mechanical bull. You lock me in a Porta-Potty-"

"Hey, I was there, too-" I interjected.

"-and you kidnap the man I love and almost run me over with his car, and all because you wanted to give your dream lover a shot at the big time! That's sick!" She pointed a finger at his nose. "You're sick."

"The things we do for love," I observed.

"You had me terrified, never knowing what would happen next," Keelie continued. "I was scared to death!"

Kenny got a strange look in his eye. Well, stranger.

"Maybe you should be," Kenny said.

"Should be what?" Keelie asked.

"Scared to death."

Keelie and I exchanged uneasy looks.

"What do you mean? What are you saying?" I asked.

"Some of those...unfortunate occurrences she just rattled off? The laxative. The kybo. The rat." Kenny shook his head. "That wasn't me."

Keelie gasped.

I stared.

Highly...illogical.

Manny, along with police and EMTs arrived, unfortunately, eliminating any opportunity we had to question our Klingon captive further. Once we'd explained what led up to the intergalactic foot chase across Riverside and Kenny's admission regarding Tiara's kidnapping, he was read his rights and taken into police custody.

Our two innocent, and nude, bystanders were given blankets (Thank goodness!) until clothing could be retrieved. Voyeur-and Team Trekkie Captain-Drew Van Vleet suffered a badly sprained ankle when an out-of-control Klingon careened into him and was transported to the county hospital.

The rest of us had been invited to the sheriff's office for interviews and statements.

It was a cl.u.s.ter only the Syfy channel could love.

And, inevitably, led me to wonder, why, oh, why, did this keep happening to me?

The sheriff's office conference room looked like something from the movie s.p.a.ce b.a.l.l.s.

With an ensemble cast that included Jessica Rabbit and a CPA going through a midlife crisis, a ginger Uhura, Yeoman Rand sporting hairy legs and a Bozo 'fro, a visibly shaken Langley "Bones" Carlisle number Three, a Hollywood agent with a b.u.mp on his head the size of a Tribble, and an engaged couple caught with their pants down while exploring their own wild sides, we made a tough act to follow.

"Don't you think it's weird how Kenny admitted to some of the incidents, but not others?" I asked Keelie while we waited for an update.

She shrugged. "He's a freak, what do you expect?"

"Still."

"He's a liar," Keelie said. "What else do you need?"

"Closure," I said.

And to have the mental images of a Free Willie Frankie and his roll-out-the-buck-naked-barrel fiance deleted from my memory banks.

The door opened. A tear-stained, and very emotional, Tiara Fordham rushed into the room, followed by Patrick Dawkins, Manny, a uniformed deputy, and a woman dressed in nicely coordinated and smartly tailored civvies.

"Tiara!" Keelie jumped to her feet and embraced her BFF. "Thank G.o.d you're okay! I was so worried. What happened? Where were you?"

Keelie led her shaking friend to a seat.

"It was awful! Just awful! Out of nowhere this ugly little Klingon grabbed me and took off with me. At first I thought it was a gag. Or a drunk having too much of a good time. Then he takes me to this smelly old van and bounds and gags me. I was so scared. It was so creepy! There were pictures and drawings of me tacked up all over the walls of the van. I thought. Oh, my G.o.d! It's Fatal Attraction all over again! I was terrified! I thought I was gonna die!"

Keelie put an arm around Tiara.

"I'm so sorry I didn't believe you earlier," she said. "So, so, sorry."

Tiara dabbed at her eyes.

"So, what's the deal, Sheriff?" Vinny approached the uniformed officer. "What's up with the sicko? He cop to the kidnapping?"

The sheriff frowned and looked down at Vinny. "Your questions will be answered all in good time, sir," He pointed to the woman in the gray slacks and white blouse. "This is State DCI Agent Sandra Marshall. She's a.s.sisting with the investigation. We've taken Mr. Grey's statement. Along with Miss Fordham's kidnapping, Grey's admitted to abducting Mr. Whitver, stealing his car, and trying to run you down, Miss Keller."

"Oh, G.o.d. And Jax? How is Jax?" Keelie asked.

"You can see for yourself, Miss Keller," Agent Marshall said. "He'll be here shortly."

"Thank G.o.d!"