Dalziel And Pascoe: Pictures Of Perfection Part 11

'I was one of the pedestrians you almost ran over.'

'Can't hit gold every time, can we? But if you are a cop, you ought to be aware that as this driveway is not a public highway but private property, whatever breach of the road traffic regulations you are alleging doesn't apply. I could be a one-eyed epileptic fifteen-year-old, and drunk as a skunk to boot, and you couldn't touch me. So why not give it a rest, Sherlock, and if you want to block the traffic, go and do it on a busy motorway.'

Pascoe looked at the smiling, self-a.s.sured face and felt an almost irresistible impulse to punch the man's nose through the back of his neck. Worse, he found he did not wish to resist the impulse. In front of all these witnesses to cut through the knotted ambiguities of his att.i.tude to his career with a single blow! To exit not with a whimper but a bang! It had all the allure of simplicity.

A cloud of smoke had formed in the doorway of the Hall. Out of it emerged Girlie Guillemard. She advanced towards them, saying, 'There you are, Guy.'

The man turned, opened his arms as if in antic.i.p.ation of an embrace and said, 'Girlie, my sweet. What does a thirsty man have to do to get a drink round here?'

The woman hit him full in the face, an open-handed smack which sent him staggering back against Pascoe.

'You watch your manners for a start,' she said mildly. 'Your let's-pretend fights are fine for consenting adults, but not when you start picking on folk who can't fight back.'

Pascoe was so close he could see the muscles on the back of Guy's neck clench like a fist. Then Girlie kissed him lightly on the cheek and said, 'By the way, I thought you were staying last night. What happened?'

Slowly the neck muscles relaxed.

'Sorry, I got held up, in a manner of speaking. I did try to ring, got the engaged signal, then I got cut off altogether. That thing of yours must be on the blink.'

Girlie looked at the mobile phone around her neck and said, 'You were probably too drunk to dial the right number. I need to talk to you, Guy. After you've finished with Mr Pascoe, that is.'

His face now composed to rue, the man swung round, reached into one of his many pockets, and pulled out a wallet from which he took a driving licence.

'There you are, Inspector. Sorry to have been an a.r.s.ehole. And sorry if I got a bit close on the drive. Will take more care next time. Sorry.'

The smile was no longer superior but almost childishly appealing.

Now might be an even better time to punch it off, thought Pascoe.

He resisted the temptation. Or missed the opportunity.

Studying the licence, he said, 'This your vehicle, sir?'

'Indeed. Well, the business's really. You'll find everything in order. Taxed, tested, and insured. What brings you here, anyway, Chief Inspector? You don't look like a traffic man to me.'

'One of their constables is missing,' said Girlie.

This sounded like an irresistible cue for laughter, but Guy the Heir kept his face straight and said, 'Not the estimable Bendish, I hope?'

'You know PC Bendish, sir?'

'Oh yes. We've had contact.' His lips twitched momentarily, then he became serious again as he said, 'Look, if it comes to beating the moors or anything like that, give us a yell. This baby can go anywhere, and so can the ugly b.u.g.g.e.rs who travel in her.'

Now they all laughed and the atmosphere eased enough for Pascoe to feel able to withdraw with dignity.

He said, 'I hope it won't come to that, but thanks for the offer. And in future try to observe your own speed limit.'

The warning went unheard or at least unacknowledged. At some point Frances Harding had appeared on the scene. Guy headed towards her, crying, 'There she is, my little celandine! Fran, have you heard? Dear Constable Bendish has taken French leave and can't be found anywhere. We must all keep our eyes open for him, mustn't we? In case he comes to harm.'

He reached her and aimed a kiss at her lips but she ducked her head evasively and inadvertently dealt him the painful blow with her brow that Pascoe had been tempted to with his fist. At least he a.s.sumed it was inadvertence, though the colour flooding her pale cheeks seemed this time to have more of the cranberry of wrath in it than the apricot of embarra.s.sment.

He looked towards her. Their eyes met. He smiled and she looked away.

'Time to be off, Wieldy,' said Pascoe. 'Let's get down to Church Cottage. Could be our wandering boy's home now.'

'Could be,' said the Sergeant.

'You don't sound optimistic. What's up? Got a bad feeling about this place?'

Wield's forte was facts, so if he started getting bad vibes it was unusual enough to be worth noticing.

'I don't know. If it's bad, I mean. I've certainly got a feeling that something has happened ... or is happening . . . or is going to happen here . . . something big. Mebbe I should book in at this Health Park!'

'I certainly shouldn't mention it to Fat Andy,' said Pascoe. 'He'd likely dose you with cod liver oil.'

He spoke lightly, reluctant to admit that Wield's premonition chimed with his own sense of atmospheric disturbance. Such presentiment on an Adriatic beach sent the attendants scurrying to furl the parasols, though to the holiday visitor they brought merely a thrill of pleasure at the storm to come. It all really came down to how he saw his function here. Was he an involved attendant or just an idle tourist?

Wield looked as if he'd chosen the latter role, standing by the car door, rubbernecking the northern sky like it was the dome of St Mark's. He let his own gaze drift upwards. At first he could see nothing but the wind-torn clouds above the lowering moor. Then he caught a movement.

A bird . .. no, two birds .. . very high . . . circling, circling. . .

CHAPTER IX.

'I like him very much. I am sure he is clever & a Man of Taste. - very smiling, with an exceedingly good address & readiness of language - I am rather in love with him. - I dare say he is ambitious & Insincere.'

As he shaved in the morning, or saw his elegant profile on the Arts Page of the Evening Post, or played a video of one of his TV shows, Justin Halavant usually congratulated himself on being Justin Halavant.

Best of all he liked to see himself mirrored in the envious eyes of his acolytes, those who, for a mere t.i.the of his wit, looks, style, taste, and success with women, would have traded their sister's virtue, which he'd probably already had gratis anyway.

But there were times when he had to acknowledge that, though what he had he had perfectly, he did not have everything.

For instance he had no talent for burglary. It had started well enough. Getting into Corpse Cottage was surprisingly easy. He turned the door handle and it opened.

Just for the show of the thing, he called, 'I say. Constable Bendis.h.!.+' twice. Then he stepped inside.

Now the trouble started. A burglar would presumably know where to start looking. He opted for the deep alcoves found by the chimney breast which Bendish clearly used as his office. Here was a bureau with all the necessary forms of his business carefully pigeonholed. But the drawers were locked, and the cupboards beneath also, and though in tele-fiction such things burst open at the touch of a nail file, in real life they proved much more obdurate.

In any case, it was surely a waste of time searching in an office for what all the evidence suggested had remained unofficial.

He went upstairs. Bedrooms were the opposite of offices. Here a man was at his most private. Here he would hide what touched him most closely.

But where? No locked drawers here, but nothing in them save socks and s.h.i.+rts and vests and pants. The shelves of the wardrobe were no more productive. He lifted the pillows off the bed, then in desperation raised the mattress to check beneath.

It was while he was thus occupied that he heard the car pull up outside.

Had he shut the front door? He couldn't recall. In any case it made no matter; what he had done, anyone could do. Car doors opened, slammed. Voices floated upward. He had to act, but action belonged to another world than this. He was a figure in a painting, caught on canvas forever, the raised mattress in his hands. The whence and whither others must decide as they shuffled past in judgement with their catalogues at the high port.

Then he was seized from behind, the mattress fell back on the bed and he on top of it with his attacker straddling him. Rape! Oh G.o.d! Was this what it felt like? Had Caddy perhaps felt like this as he flung her down on the stairs in the Gallery?

This rare pang of guilt was immediately rewarded with the idea of dealing with his attacker as she had dealt with hers. But to do this he needed to twist round to bring his knee into play and his a.s.sailant had a lock on his neck which held him helpless.

Then he heard footsteps on the stairs and felt rather than saw other men racing into the room.

'What the h.e.l.l's going on here?' demanded Peter Pascoe.

In strict terms what was going on was clear for all to see. A man dressed as a vicar was pinning Justin Halavant to the bed with what looked like a professional wrestling hold.

'Who are you?' demanded the holy wrestler, turning to look at them.

'Police,' said Pascoe. 'Do you mind standing up?'

The Vicar relaxed his hold. Immediately the underling twisted round and brought his knee up in what would have been a vicious a.s.sault on the clerical crutch had not its owner slipped easily off the bed before contact was made.

'Good Lord,' he said as he saw his victim's face. 'Mr Halavant.'

And equally amazed, the now supine man said, 'Lillingstone! What the h.e.l.l are you playing at?'

'A better question might be, what are you both playing at?' said Pascoe sternly. 'This house is police property. Would you mind explaining what you're doing here?'

'In my case, that's very easy,' said Lillingstone. 'I'm doing what I imagine is your job. I was coming down the drive from the vicarage when I saw a movement up here. I'd heard about Mr Bendish's absence, so naturally I was suspicious. I came in . . .'

'How?' interjected Pascoe.

'Through the front door. It was ajar,' said the Vicar. 'I came upstairs and saw what I thought was a burglar stooping over the bed lifting up the mattress. So I performed a citizen's arrest.'

'Very civic-minded of you,' said Pascoe. 'And you, Mr Halavant. How was it for you?'

'An outrage!' said Halavant, standing up and checking his body for damage, his clothes for disarray. 'I had come in search of Constable Bendish. Finding the door open, I came in and called his name. There was no reply but I thought I heard a noise upstairs, so I came up.'

'Why?' asked Pascoe.

'In case the Constable was in trouble. He might have had a fit or a fall. It was my duty.'

'Ens...o...b.. is positively awash with civic concern,' murmured Pascoe. 'And you were raising the mattress in case the Constable had somehow slipped beneath it during his fall or his fit?'

'I thought he might have rolled beneath the bed.'

'In that case, wouldn't it have been easier simply to stoop and look?'

'I choose never to stoop,' said Halavant. 'I'm puzzled why you should be so puzzled by my concern when you yourself are clearly concerned enough to bring in reinforcements to investigate your constable's absence.'

He smiled at Wield, who gave him in return what Dalziel called his sennapod-tea look.

'That's because I'm puzzled why you came here looking for Bendish when you know he's missing,' said Pascoe gently.

Momentarily nonplussed, but quickly recovering, Halavant replied, 'I hardly took that rumour seriously, Inspector. I mean, I hadn't realized till now that you'd actually formed a posse. All I wanted was a word about the report of an intruder at Scarletts last night.'

The Vicar, perhaps overcome by a sense of feeling foolish, sat heavily on the bed.

'Fair enough, sir,' said Pascoe. 'As soon as we contact Bendish we'll ask him to get in touch with you. Sergeant.. .'

Wield held open the door for Halavant to pa.s.s through.

Lillingstone rose as if to follow but Pascoe said, 'No, sir. If you could just spare a moment of your time ...'

'Of course. How flattering.'

'How so?'

'I get the Chief Inspector while our local celebrity has to make do with the Sergeant.'

Pascoe said, 'That's because you're the more interesting case, sir.'

'How's that?' said the Vicar uncertainly.

'Mr Halavant is a journalist and media man,' said Pascoe. 'So it must be almost second nature for him to bend the truth. But when someone in your line of country starts telling lies, that I find really interesting.'

'What on earth do you mean?' said Lillingstone, flus.h.i.+ng.

'This room is on the wrong side of the house for you to see any movement in it on your way down the vicarage drive. Also, if your story were true, we'd have been in time to see you entering the house as we drove up. No, it seems to me much more likely you were here already when Mr Halavant came in. You hid, hoping to slip away as soon as you got the chance. Then you heard our car. Reckoning the chances of two intruders going undetected weren't good, you decided to put yourself firmly on the side of the angels by apprehending your fellow burglar.'

'I resent the term burglar,' said Lillingstone indignantly.

'You'd be surprised how many burglars do,' said Pascoe. 'But indignation without explanation doesn't get you jelly for your tea. So what's the gospel reading for today, Vicar?'

'I'm sorry,' said the man wretchedly. 'You're quite right, of course. No excuse. Just sheer vulgar curiosity. I'd heard about Harold and I thought that maybe in the cottage there'd be some clue . . .'

Pascoe, who didn't believe a word, said, 'OK. So let's have the key. And don't say, which key? The door wasn't forced. We know Sergeant Filmer left it locked this morning. So, the key please. And perhaps you would like to tell me where you got it?'

The Vicar put his hand in his pocket and produced a rusty latch key.

'There's a key board in the vicarage,' said Lillingstone. 'Full of old keys, some of them labelled. Church Cottage was one of them.'

'Why on earth should there be a key to a police house in the vicarage?' asked Pascoe.

'The cottage used to belong to the church,' said Lillingstone. 'The Hogbin family rented it for generations, but finally they decided they'd had enough and moved out, and my financial masters put the cottage on the market. That's when your people bought it as a police house.'

'What was it the Hogbins had had enough of ?' asked Pascoe.

Lillingstone smiled the relieved smile of someone being invited to leap out of the hot seat of interrogation into the saddle of his hobby-horse and said, 'Being haunted, of course. It's a good story. Would you like to hear it?'

Another diversion into the past! thought Pascoe. He really had to start resisting them. Yet he was getting a sense, which he wouldn't care to have to explain to Dalziel, that whatever was going on in Ens...o...b.. would only be understood by reference to history.