Marcher: The Author's Preferred Text Part 19

'Cheers!' muttered Carl politely.

He took the second left. The occupants of the house on the corner hadn't drawn their curtains and he could see them inside: a man, a teenaged boy and a grandmother, in the bluish glow of the TV. They were watching a comedy show. He could hear the waves of laughter.

He took the right turning into Canterbury Close. Here was number 3, number 5, number 7. They were watching the same TV show in all three houses. Carl could hear the laugher and see the flickering blue glow round the edges of the curtains. He walked past 9, 11 and 13. A small child opened a door, picked up a pair of red Wellington boots she'd left outside, scowled at Carl, and quickly closed the door again. He pa.s.sed 15, 17, 19 and 21...

It had never really struck Carl that someone like Burkitt had a home and a life of his own. Burkitt was just a deskie. He and the other deskies inhabited the DSI office in the Central Square of the Meadows Zone by day, and at night they simply disappeared. But now it turned out that Burkitt had a front garden, and an empty milk bottle on his doorstep, and a little path from the gate to the door made out of bricks. It turned out that he had coloured gla.s.s in his front door arranged in a flower pattern, and a bra.s.s doorknocker shaped like a woman's hand, and curtains in the bay window that were too short and didn't meet in the middle. Carl could see a cosy-looking room through the gap between the curtains it was lined with books, and there was a gas fire going and cla.s.sical music on the CD player and when he leaned right forward, he could see Burkitt himself in there, on his own, reading the paper, with a cup of tea by his elbow on a little table.

When Carl rang the bell, Burkitt looked up frowning, trying to work out who it could be at this hour, and antic.i.p.ating ha.s.sle. But his face lit up as he opened the door.

'h.e.l.lo, Carl! Well, well, what a nice surprise! I didn't think you'd really come. I didn't think you'd have the time for an old deskie like me!'

He had on a cardigan, and brown slippers, and what Carl called old-man jeans. He hadn't shaved for a day or two.

He don't look like a deskie, really, Carl thought. Just some old geezer.

'Come on in, Carl, come on in. Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee or something?'

'Yeah, cheers,' Carl said, 'tea'.

They went through to a big kitchen at the back which to Carl looked like something from some glamorous TV makeover show: wood everywhere, a stone floor, granite-topped work surfaces. He didn't notice how shabby it was and how badly in need of a clean.

'So what's going on for you these days Carl?' asked Burkitt as he picked up the kettle and went to the sink to fill it.

'Is that milk and four sugars, by the way?' he added. 'Have I remembered that right?'

Then he turned round smiling, rather pleased with himself for remembering those four sugars after all this time, and saw the gun in Carl's hand.

'Oh,' he said. 'I see'

He gave a humourless little laugh.

'All this hatred!' he said, 'I should be honoured I suppose.'

'You what?' said Carl.

'Never mind, Carl,' he said. 'Don't worry about it.'

He put the kettle down slowly.

'I'm guessing someone put you up to this, Carl? You were never much of a one for thinking things up yourself.'

'Mind your own business.'

Burkitt nodded and gave a small weary sigh.

'Listen, Carl,' he began again. 'Listen. My wife died a while back. And my career sort of petered out, not that it was ever much of a career and not that I was ever much cop at my job you probably know that better than most but it did fill up my time and now... Well, what I'm trying to say is that I really don't have a huge amount to live for.'

He smiled.

'Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I get by all right. I potter around. I cut the gra.s.s. I rake up the leaves. I do the crossword. I watch TV. I look after my grandsons when my daughter is busy. So I'd be very pleased if you decided to let me live. But what I'm trying to say is that it's all pretty much of a muchness. It doesn't really make all that much difference to me personally if my life ends now or whether it goes on for another twenty years. Do you see what I mean? So if you really need to shoot me, well, be my guest!'

Carl swallowed, holding the gun with two trembling hands.

'But listen Carl,' Cyril went on, 'I don't know who put you up to this but, you must admit, you are very easily led. You need to think very carefully about whether it's really in your interests to shoot me.'

He waited.

'Don't come no nearer, all right?' warned Carl, pointing the trembling gun at Burkitt's face.

'I won't, I won't. But what do you have to say, Carl? What are your thoughts?'

'f.u.c.k off!' Carl whimpered. 'Just f.u.c.k off. I don't need your f.u.c.king deskie s.h.i.+t! You're doing my f.u.c.king head in.'

'Well I'm worried for you, Carl,' said Burkitt. 'It may sound strange, but I am.'

Unable to stand any more of this, Carl pulled the trigger.

Burkitt winced, his face suddenly beaded with sweat, but nothing happened, because the safety catch was still on.

'Come on, Carl. This isn't you, is it? This really isn't you. Just put the gun down.'

Carl flung the gun to the floor.

'f.u.c.k off!' he shouted. 'f.u.c.k off you stupid deskie b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Just leave me alone, all right? Why can't you people never leave me alone?'

He turned and fled, slamming the front door behind him with such force that some of the coloured gla.s.s came flying out, to shatter on the little brick path.

But all of that happened in another world.

It was sometime later that Jaz opened up her hand again.

'Why don't we take some now?' she said.

Charles had just pulled out from inside of her. He'd forgotten about the slip, but it seemed odd to him now that she'd been holding it in her hand all this time.

'Are you serious?'

'I don't know,' she said. 'No. Probably not. I mean it would be silly, wouldn't it? Pointless, really. It wouldn't solve anything and it would cause a lot of people a lot of grief.'

'That's to put it mildly,' Charles said. 'And most of all it would cause a lot of grief to us.'

She nodded, but then she reached up and pulled his head down so his face was very close to hers.

'But if you'd said yes,' she whispered, 'then I would have done it with you. I wouldn't have been able to resist.'

He pulled away from her at once, wis.h.i.+ng that she wasn't with him at all, let alone lying there beside him on his bed with his s.e.m.e.n inside her body. His original instinct had been right, he thought. He should have called her and cancelled that first date. There was something dangerous about her, something greedy. She was always needling away. She was always pus.h.i.+ng him, tempting him, daring him...

And then, in a single moment, his mood changed. Why fight it? Why fight her? She was only speaking aloud what he himself secretly felt. Why not just fall? Why not let go and fall together?

'All right then,' Charles said, 'let's do it!'

But that was in another world too.

Burkitt didn't look scared, or angry just tired.

'All this hatred!' he said. 'I should be honoured really I suppose.'

'You what?'

'Never mind, Carl. Don't worry about it.'

He put the kettle down slowly.

'Someone put you up to this, I suppose, Carl? You were never much of a one for thinking things up for yourself.'

'Mind your own business.'

Burkitt sighed.

'Listen Carl,' he began again. 'Listen. My wife died a while back. And then my career sort of petered out, not that it was ever much of a career but it filled up my time. I keep myself amused, I potter about at this and that, but the truth is I really don't have a huge amount to live for.'

He smiled.

'Don't get me wrong. I get by all right. I watch TV. I look after my grandsons when my daughter is busy. But it's all pretty much of a muchness really and it doesn't make much difference to me if my life ends now or in another twenty years. If you really need to shoot me, well, be my guest!'

Carl remembered about the safety catch.

's.h.i.+t,' he muttered to himself, fumbling it off.

Cyril winced.

'Now listen Carl,' he said, 'you need to be very careful and you need to think carefully about what you do next. I don't know who put you up to this but you are very easily led. Ask yourself: is it really in your interests to shoot me?'

'Don't come no nearer, all right?' Carl said. 'I'm not messing around!'

'Don't worry, I won't. But what I don't get is this Carl. I'm pretty sure you actually quite like me. You certainly seemed pretty pleased to see me when we met the other day in Clifton.'

'I don't give a f.u.c.king s.h.i.+t.'

'You do though, Carl. You do give a s.h.i.+t. You're basically rather a kind person. I honestly think that you hate the idea of shooting another human being. Some people take a positive pleasure in things like that, but you're definitely not that type at all. In fact I reckon you hate the idea of killing me so much that you refuse to let yourself even think about it. And that, unfortunately, is what makes it possible.'

Over Burkitt's shoulder, Carl caught sight of himself in a mirror that hung on the wall. He knew he didn't look like a killer.

Burkitt ran his hand over his face.

'Put the safety catch back on, Carl, and put the gun down on the side there.'

's.h.i.+t,' muttered Carl. 'f.u.c.king s.h.i.+t.'

But he did as he was asked.

'That is brave Carl,' Cyril said. 'That really is very brave.'

'No it ain't. No it f.u.c.king ain't.'

Tears sprang suddenly into Carl's eyes, his kind, gentle eyes with their long fair lashes.

'Well I won't never see that Valour-Hall now will I? I can forget that for a start.'

Cyril's eyes also had tears in them and he was beginning to shake all over.

'I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by that Carl, but as far as I'm concerned you've shown yourself to be very brave indeed.'

'No I haven't. And anyway I've f.u.c.king killed a man for them already. Or near enough killed one, anyway. That Scotch geezer, Slug. I saw them string him up and shove a f.u.c.king spear through him and I didn't do nothing. I was too f.u.c.king scared.'

Cyril drew breath.

'All right Carl,' he said. 'Let's take our time here. Let's take our time. We really need to slow down a bit.'

But that, once again, was in another world.

Jaz opened her hand.

'Perhaps it'd be best if you put them away again.'

'I think so.'

'I wonder how many there will be next time you look?' she said.

'G.o.d knows. But you're my witness. There are twelve here now.'

'Yes, but if more appear, how am I going to know whether they appeared by themselves or whether you pinched them from somewhere?'

He held the envelope open for her while she tipped the seeds back inside.

'I can't believe you just nicked them like that,' she said. 'I mean you were such a stickler for the rules when I met you that time in the Meadows office. My G.o.d, you were even worried about whether it would be okay to meet me outside work! And then you just go and steal these.'

Charles didn't say anything straight away.

'I know,' he said eventually. 'And it was less than twenty-four hours later that I took them. So you can see what a bad influence you've been on me.'

'I'm a bad influence on you? I'm not having that! Look what you've got in your hand, Charles!'

'I was only joking, Jaz.'

'You might have pretended you were joking, but you really meant it. All I can say is look at what you've just shown me, and then ask yourself who is leading who astray here?'