Torn: Crushed Part 10

Licking my lips, I made a tight smile. "I wasn't aware you were looking for me."

Eyes still s.h.i.+ning, his smile grew wider. "Dinner was amazing. You didn't tell me you could cook."

There were a lot of things he didn't know about me, even if cooking was a recent development. Had he taken the time to really get to know the person behind the eager smiles, he might have liked me more. Of course, that was before, and well, this was the present. There was no turning back for us.

"Thank you. I was glad it turned out edible." I laughed it off, but I was grateful he had sought me out just to thank me. Spaghetti and meatb.a.l.l.s might have been easy, but for a newbie like me, it was challenging, and I was glad the meatb.a.l.l.s had come out very tasty.

He merely made a nod, watching me with soulful eyes.

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" he finally rasped out, seeming nervous and unsure of himself. "It's dark, and you're all alone. It doesn't sit well with me thinking that something bad could happen to you."

He was being overprotective, nothing more. It would be stupid of me if I thought more of his offer than what it was. Well, I didn't want to, because if I did, that would lead me to another place I had vowed not to go, not anymore.

"Thank you, but I'm fine. It's not like I don't know my way around here. I do live like a block away from here, so there's no need to freak out."

Hurt etched all over his face. "Amber-"

"Brody," I interjected, knowing full well where he was going again; his face said it all. "Please, let's not. There's no point at all."

"Don't say that. We both know we barely even began, so don't say things like that. You keep saying it's too late, but I don't believe you," he said as he stepped closer before the back of his hand caressed the side of my face, lifting my chin with this finger and connecting our eyes. "All of that aside, I just want to say I'm sorry for everything. I was selfish, and my actions caused me to hurt you."

f.u.c.k... "There's no need for that. I knew what I was getting myself into. You can't apologize for that."

"But I do," he persistently whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Brody." I was about to state another argument, but much to my astonishment, a punis.h.i.+ng kiss came out of nowhere, shocking me to the core, leaving me breathless and yearning for more of his lips, his touch. His kiss began like a love affair-rushed, inflamed, and pa.s.sionate-before s.h.i.+fting to a much softer, too intimate, soul-reaching kind of kiss.

No one had ever kissed me like that before. It was meant to mark your heart, the very core of your existence. It was a kiss that was going straight to the memory bank to be savored and cherished when I was old and gray. Then I would look back at my life and reflect on how lucky I was to have had this extraordinary experience, even if it was merely a short while.

Breaking away from my lips, he left a tiny kiss then another before delving back into my mouth for a soul-searching one, tipping me over the edge.

"I don't know what's happening to me, Amber, but it's f.u.c.king with me. I can't stop thinking about you."

f.u.c.k. What was he trying to say? Oh, G.o.d. I was about to have a major freak out. I had longed for this moment to happen, and now that it felt like it was almost there, I wasn't sure what to do. How could I shut down someone I had loved for so long? How could I even fathom denying us a chance?

"I don't know if I'm ready for this," I reluctantly said, still having a hard time grasping everything that was happening between us. "You have no idea how much I wanted this before..." But now that it's here, I'm not sure what to do.

He tensed, knowing full well I was serious. "So you're saying you don't want it now? That you're not even willing to give it a thought, a consideration?"

"I honestly don't know what I want." My statement was as honest as it could get. It wasn't as if I was dancing around his question, but to be openly rejected by him and still cling on then get rejected time and time again ... Well, that took a toll on my confidence and sanity.

He seemed to have a difficult time finding his voice, but after the second time of clearing his throat, it seemed he found it. "I antic.i.p.ated some reservations coming from you, but never this. I thought you'd be happy about this. I didn't expect you to react this way."

He had a point, and I couldn't blame him if he was a little miffed. If Trista was here, she would have thought I had lost my mind. I hadn't, though. In fact, I thought I had just found it.

"I hope you don't think this is my way of punis.h.i.+ng you after all these years. It would be crus.h.i.+ng if you did."

"That sure is one way to look at it. I was f.u.c.ked up and too caught up with Lindsey to pay attention to anyone. I guess this is the perfect revenge to f.u.c.k me up."

"Revenge? Don't be stupid. I'm not like that at all. Well, not with you, anyway."

How could he even think such a thing? It wasn't like I was rejecting him. I loved him for Pete's sake. Regardless, his intentions came at a bad time, and to be honest, I didn't trust him to be loyal. The only time I saw him commit to anyone was when he took Lindsey seriously. But I wasn't kidding myself. I sure wasn't Lindsey, so h.e.l.l, the chances of him straying and cheating were highly likely.

"Don't be angry with me. I'm just being honest with you. I hope you can appreciate that."

"Oh, I do appreciate it, all right," he remarked snidely. "I just didn't expect this from you when I feel so strongly about you ... It's mind-f.u.c.king for me, too."

He was mind-f.u.c.ked? Great, because I was feeling the same way. Besides, it wasn't as if I could really buy this bulls.h.i.+t now, could I? For a moment there, I might have.

"Maybe it's just a phase since Carter happened. Maybe it'll go away soon now that he's gone for a while."

Brody's face darkened. "Like a switch, you mean?" He snorted. "Like I can shut it down whenever I feel like it?"

I shrugged.

Since he thought I had been with Carter for a fun tumble, I was sure he was just acting like a typical male-territorial and all. It wasn't anything special. It was simply about s.e.x. He wasn't ever going to love me the way he loved Lindsey, so wishful thinking or not, I best get the f.u.c.k over it.

"Do you mind if I join? You two sure look cozy. Unless, of course, this is a private conversation. In that case, I don't want to b.u.t.t in," Joanna suddenly said, startling us. Then she wiggled her barely covered a.s.s audaciously, making it hard not to snort and roll my eyes at how annoyingly obvious she was being in her attempt to get Brody's attention. Knowing how he was with women, I was certain he noticed everything that was on offer, bikini and all.

A part of me wanted to pity her. She was just going to end up heartbroken like I was, but another side of me became jealous and territorial, leaving me more annoyed than before.

Addressing Joanna, I directed a glacial look at her. "We're just talking. You and your b.u.t.t are both more than welcome plug in to our conversation."

Joanna giggled, feeling as if invited, even though all I wanted to do was to scratch her eyes out. At this rate, there was no point in hanging around, because I was sure this woman would try to get Brody's undivided attention. I wouldn't even put it past her to offer a skinny dip in the ocean so she could freely bounce her b.o.o.bs as she splashed herself against the waves. It was a typical move, one I had tried before.

Weighing my options, I decided to watch them interact. Like any normal man, Brody liked the attention he was getting, most especially since she seemed to be giving off the green light. I mean, seriously, Joanna was basically waving a white flag, ready to be saddled up and taken for a good ride.

Much as I liked to hate on her and her direct approach when it came to men, I couldn't help feeling insecure that she could easily do whatever she wanted without shame, while it took me years to have the gall to even flirt with Brody. That was the difference between women like her and myself-the go-getter and the no-confidence, insecure type. Women like me would always lose because we didn't have the b.a.l.l.s to go in for the kill.

With that realization in mind, watching them interact made me nauseas. I felt as if my stomach was being fueled with gasoline before someone decided to light the match and blast it on fire.

Then my phone began to ring, breaking through my dire thoughts. Reluctantly taking my phone out, the least person I had expected to contact me had seemingly come out of the woodwork just to f.u.c.k up my night.

Hey, sweets. Wanna party tonight? The fun is on me as long as you bring your sweet lips.

What the f.u.c.k! How f.u.c.king dare Rob? I seriously wanted to hurl things at him, hurt him, and gut him alive. Did he not know the kind of s.h.i.+t I had to go through after he took advantage of me? And here he was, texting me as if nothing horrible had happened, as if everything was fine. What the flipping f.u.c.k!

My eyes blurred as I shut my phone off, unwilling to receive any more s.h.i.+t from Rob tonight. On the verge of tears, I made a quick excuse to leave, but Brody wasn't having it.

"Where are you going, Amber?"

"Somewhere," I mumbled out, loathing the fact that he seemed to want to know where I was going most of the time these days.

"Wait up a sec-"

I didn't wait. I couldn't. Everything was blotted out, and all I could see was Rob and hear his scratchy voice ringing in my ears as I tried to sprint my way out of there. I was desperate to be alone, away from prying, dark eyes that took in whatever I did, as if he could see through my shaky barriers and the facade I was portraying, as if he could easily see through my lies and faults.

Chapter Nineteen.

One thing I realized was that I couldn't be anywhere that people knew me too well since they would suspect something was amiss. Try as I might, I couldn't escape the demons that constantly plagued my mind. I was suddenly back there, on that night when everything crumbled and I was left defenseless while that pig of a man took advantage of me.

Almost running up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, I reached the safe confines of Carter's room before hastily locking it, as if Rob was chasing me, as if he was there, in this house, laughing and taunting me.

Heaving and huffing, out of breath, I almost jumped out of my skin when a loud pound came at the door.

"Amber! Open up!" Brody demanded, making me freeze on the spot as I stared at the door, weighing my options, and then he pounded his fists once again. "Open the f.u.c.king door!" he threatened, making me think twice about not letting him in.

Exhausted from physical, mental, and emotional exertion, I decided against my better judgment and opened the door. Unlocking the bolt, I barely heard the click before he pushed through, barging right in like he had every right.

"What was that all about? What's been going on with you?" he shot the questions out one after the other, leaving me speechless and a bit nervous.

"I can't-I can't talk about it," I stuttered, looking away before pacing.

Clearing his throat, he kept his eyes trained on me like a hawk as he said, "That's your choice, but unless you plan on talking soon, I'll be stuck next to you like glue until you feel like it's time to fess up."

Was that a threat? "That's not fair." I threw him a pained look, needing him to just leave me be.

"I know it isn't, but I care about you, and I can't sit back and watch you walk around with your head low and with fearful eyes. Call me a d.i.c.k or whatever, but I'm sticking around. Here. In this room."

Our eyes clashed, and I noted how serious he was, that he wasn't going anywhere, that he meant it when he said he cared for me. His words left me emotional, and though I tried to grasp at the last straws of my strength, I knew I wasn't going to make it.

I had held it in for as long as I could, but this time, my energy, my will ran out. Holding it together was so hard, so difficult. I was choking in my own world, and I needed someone to save me.

"I did something"-I couldn't look at him as I uttered the words. It was all too much to bear-"something so horrible that I can't even forgive myself for being so stupid."

"Whether it's good or bad, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Brody took a few steps towards me but stopped when he saw something in me. Maybe he realized how fragile I was. I wasn't sure, but keeping him at arm's length made it easier for me to speak about what had taken place that night.

Keeping this wretchedness to myself was taking a major toll on my body, on my mind. The guilt and blame weighed so heavily on my soul I didn't have the energy to keep it together.

I was damaged inside and out, and whether Brody would be disgusted by my revelation or not, at least he would understand where I was coming from. However, in the back of my mind, I prayed he would at least try to be less judgmental of my horrid actions. In some ways, I needed him to supply me a little strength to fight this through.

"Whatever happens after I tell you, I need you to make a promise," I softly demanded, needing his rea.s.surance, his promise, his word. He had to know how delicate this situation was; the hards.h.i.+p of even considering speaking about it was killing me slowly. "You have to promise me on your life that you won't tell anyone about this, not even if you feel so strongly about it, not even if it pushes your b.u.t.tons, your boundaries. You have to promise me you won't utter a word to anyone."

"What did you do, Amber?" He had a look that made me s.h.i.+ver, as if he, too, knew how awful this was going to be.

"I can't tell you until you give me that promise, Brody," I persisted, knowing I was gambling on his reaction and hoping he wouldn't see me differently after my confession.

He nodded, his brows furrowed, as he gave me a look that made me think he knew and felt my deep pain. "All right. I promise not to tell a soul. Whatever I hear from, it ends in my ears."

Hearing him gave me encouragement.

"Thank you. You don't know how much I appreciate this." Clearing my throat, I braced myself as I catalogued my thoughts. "Well, it began about a week ago." I paused, shallowly breathing as I tried to muster the strength to get the words out. "That night ... that night before Carter left for Brazil the next day..."

Brody growled from across the room. "Don't tell me Carter did something f.u.c.ked up to you, or I'll kill that SOB!" he snarled angrily.

"No! G.o.d, no," I instantly interjected. "Are you kidding me? You think Carter would hurt me? Never in a million years."

His nose flared as he watched me, beside himself and feeling helpless as he waited for me to open my lips and finish what I had begun.

"But it was a man ... another man..." I licked my lips, hurting all over again as I remembered everything. "He was someone I've known for years."

Brody seemed ghastly pale, looking frantic as he waited for each word that came out of my lips.

Closing my eyes, I knew I had to relive that torturous night one last time.

"I was invited to this party. These parties I go to are the rogue ones that you guys usually don't go to because it's too rowdy, and it's a mixed-crowd. But I'm used to going to these bashes ... because, well, it's when I most especially need to really get f.u.c.ked up. This guy, he's the person I call to hook me up and score some c.o.ke here and there.

"Well, that night the drug of choice was different than what I was accustomed to, and since I was already out there, ready to have fun, I didn't see the point of whether it was Molly or cocaine. In my mind, as long as I have fun, everything will be okay, and it'll turn out as I normally expect. I'd have my escape for a few hours before I headed back to the real world..."

I heard Brody hiss, as if he knew where this story was heading, but thank goodness he didn't interrupt me.

"I know the difference between the drugs, of course I do-I think everyone does-but it didn't particularly register in my head. I was too busy and too caught up in my own pains and sorrows to even consider my surroundings and the peers I was with that night, and though I had small reservations about taking the drug, I didn't voice any of them. Instead, I took it without a thought. In hindsight, it was an irresponsible move, but I was past it that night. The need for escape was pivotal, so I chose the path of recklessness.

"So, after taking the pill, it didn't take long for it to work into my system. By then, I was dancing with him. Time went on, and we danced some more. He began to gradually start touching me. Nothing too daring on the dance floor, but he became a little too daring for comfort as things progressed. It wasn't necessarily making me uncomfortable, because it felt good when he touched me. Still, in the back of my mind, I knew I shouldn't even give in an inch, but you see, my mind and body were reacting differently. It was as if they weren't synced right, and even though my mind was still rationalizing everything, my body's intense reaction took precedence. A mere brush, a soft touch of his hand, anything he did to me felt like he was electrifying me...

"Whatever he did then jolted my body into a different dimension. It was like no other experience I'd had before. So, when he decided it was time to leave the dance floor, I had little control. I should've known what the next phase was, but I think I was in denial that he was capable of anything indecent when it came to me...

"In the bedroom, he had a friend there, who at that time was jerking off to p.o.r.n, but when he saw what his friend was doing to me, he basically turned his attention to us-"

"f.u.c.k. Stop!" Brody interjected, madly shaking as he shut his eyes, breathing heavily. "f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k!" he screeched out, growling as he punched the wall several times.

I watched him, helpless and thunderstruck. His violent reaction had caught me off guard. I wasn't sure if I should keep going, but I knew I had to, for both our sakes.

Breathing out, I bit my lip before continuing my wretched story. "Though his friend distracted me for a few seconds, once I realized I was on the bed and ... he was on top of me, I knew I was in for something I wasn't prepared for. High as I was, I knew. I swear to G.o.d, I told him to stop, that I didn't want it like that, but he kept going. It was like he knew that, if he pushed his luck, he'd get lucky because I was on Molly. So that's what he did ... until he took whatever pleasure he could from me then pa.s.sed out cold."

Silence filled the room, the only audible sound that of Brody's animalistic breathing. I wasn't sure if he was about to have a heart or asthma attack. All I knew was he wasn't pleased-he was furious, and he was going to blow up soon. The question I had was whether his anger was directed at me or to Rob, whose name I hadn't disclosed. Whatever his opinion of me after hearing the reason behind my odd behavior for the past week, I just hoped he would still keep his promise to never utter a word about this to anyone.

Chapter Twenty.

Watching him wearily, I knew I had to say something, or he would eventually die on the spot, and he really did look like he was about to turn blue from where I was standing.

"Brody, please say something. I hope you're not mad-"

"Mad?" he hissed out as though he was trying his d.a.m.nedest to rein his anger in yet failed miserably. Frantically pacing the room, he glanced at me with pain, sadness, and pure agony evident in his gaze. "You think I'm mad? I'm f.u.c.king incensed!"