The Mental Floss History Of The World Part 22

First things first: the story that "vodka" comes from the Russian word for "water" is not true, though modern Russians (and many college students) may treat it that way. Vodka was first distilled from rye, and early forms of the drink probably existed by the fourteenth century, though large-scale production didn't begin until the 1600s.Vodka has long been intertwined with Russian politics. In the later fifteenth century, Ivan III made vodka production and sale a state monopoly: from 1533, vodka was sold exclusively by small taverns called kabaks kabaks, which provided one of Ivan's main sources of revenue. Food wasn't served, but customers could drink and play dice as much as they liked-leading to endless fights. In the seventeenth century there were a series of kabak kabak revolts by angry customers who thought the tavern-keepers were cheating them by diluting the vodka. (They were.) revolts by angry customers who thought the tavern-keepers were cheating them by diluting the vodka. (They were.)Vodka even played a role in foreign policy: in the late sixteenth century, the rulers of Moscow tried to convince the Nogai Tartar tribe to join a military alliance by sending them a vodka still. And of course, vodka was an important part of official functions (another Russian tradition that continues today), though the early revels sound more like frat parties than diplomatic ceremonies: it seems one governor of Moscow trained a large bear to serve pepper vodka to his guests and-if they refused-to remove their clothes, piece by piece.AND THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, FOR...

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Toxic Makeup Of all the substances you'd want to grind into a powder, mix into a paste, and spread all over your body, lead is probably pretty low on the list. Lead's toxicity is well established now. In children it causes r.e.t.a.r.ded mental development and, in extreme cases, death; adults with lead poisoning suffer from fatigue, depression, heart failure, gout, and kidney failure. But none of this was known in the sixteenth century, when Queen Elizabeth I of England wanted to look fabulous, so her ladies-in-waiting thought nothing of painting her skin with a compound of white lead. Following an attack of smallpox in 1562, Elizabeth coated her face with vinegar and white lead to cover up her smallpox scars. She also stuffed her cheeks with rags to combat the facial wasting a.s.sociated with age and disease. Anything for beauty, darling!Syphilis Nothing typifies this time period better than syphilis. That's right, an entire historical epoch is probably best summarized by a venereal disease. Why? Because syphilis spread around the world on European sailing s.h.i.+ps, just as Europeans ventured far from their home continent for the first time in centuries.There is still a great deal of debate as to whether syphilis originated in the Old World or the New, but Europeans considered the deadly venereal disease, which drove people bonkers, an American import.The Spanish claimed they got it from Native Americans, and soon gave it to Italian women during a long series of wars between Charles V, the Holy Roman emperor, and Francis I, the king of France. Thus, the Italians called syphilis "the Spanish disease." But when French soldiers brought the disease home from Italy, the French came to know it as "the Italian disease." It should come as no surprise, then, that English gentlemen visiting prost.i.tutes in France dubbed it "the French disease," and-in a final twist-British colonial subjects abroad called it "the English disease." Talk about playing the blame game.Family Jewels It turns out feminism is nothing new: the Thais were practicing a radical form of female empowerment five centuries ago. We know this because of testimony from Chinese sailors who sailed around Asia and the Indian Ocean basin. The patriarchal Chinese were shocked by what they saw in Thailand (then the kingdom of Siam).For starters, women enjoyed unusual power in Siamese society: They directed the affairs of great agricultural estates, merchant families, and ordinary households. Worse still, Siamese society seemed to have reversed the "natural" roles of men and women. Women of the upper cla.s.s were straightforward, businesslike, and went about un-adorned, while their husbands grew their hair and nails long, wore luxurious silk garments, and prided themselves on their makeup and elaborate jewelry.The jewelry in particular took an interesting direction: when Zheng He's Chinese fleet visited Thailand in the mid-fifteenth century, it was common practice for men of the Siamese upper cla.s.ses to insert small silver beads into their s.c.r.o.t.u.ms, between their skin and testes. When this cosmetic procedure was done correctly, the beads produced a jingling sound when the men walked.Painted "Ladies"

Sixteenth-century England had some interesting thoughts on gender roles. Consider this: though h.o.m.os.e.xuality was viewed as an abomination, it was seen as perfectly normal-decent, in fact-to dress boys in women's clothing, paint them with makeup, and have them impersonate women in public places. Often this meant their having s.e.x with adult men as prost.i.tutes.Of course, there was a good reason behind pressing boys into service as "actresses" and prost.i.tutes: it was essential to protecting the virtue of real women. During the Elizabethan period, the English thought nothing of boys impersonating women for dramatic purposes; when William Shakespeare staged his plays at the Globe Theatre in London, it was far more respectable to have a boy playing a female role than a real woman.And since actors were considered just a step above prost.i.tutes, it wasn't a big leap to forcing boys into prost.i.tution-again as female impersonators. The name of one notorious street, "Lad Lane," is self-explanatory. Boy prost.i.tutes were also a common sight along the quays where English s.h.i.+ps returned to port after years circling the globe. Apparently, sailors returning from long tours of duty weren't picky when they set foot on Ol' Blighty again-the origin of the tongue-in-cheek salutation "Hey, sailor!"BY THE NUMBERS [image]

83,000,000.

estimated European population, 1345, pre-Black Death 57,000,000.

European population in 1352, post-Black Death 81,000,000.

European population in 1500 >300.

number of autonomous territorial units in the Holy Roman Empire in 1500 6,000%.

profit margin of Vasco de Gama's first trading expedition to India in 1498 95%.

percentage of cargo from India unloaded in Lisbon, Portugal, that was black pepper, over next two decades 40,000,000.

estimated native population of Americas pre-1492 10,000,000.

estimated native population of Americas by mid-1500s 300,000.

estimated native population of Hispaniola in 1492 60,000.

estimated native population of Hispaniola in 1508 <>

estimated native population of Hispaniola in 1548 6,000,000.

annual silver output, in ounces, of Spanish possessions by 1585 2,000,000,000.

total silver output, in ounces, of the Potosi mine in Bolivia, to date 3,000.

number of Spaniards in Potosi in 1611 76,000.

number of Indian slaves in Potosi in 1611

60.

tons of silver captured by Francis Drake from the Spanish in two raids, 1573 and 1579 7,000.

number of soldiers in the last Byzantine army protecting Constantinople in 1453 100,000.

estimated number of Ottoman soldiers besieging the city under Mehmet II 8,800,000.

hectares of farmland devastated by Mongols reclaimed by the Ming Dynasty 40,987.

number of water reservoirs repaired by the Ming 1,000,000,000.

number of trees planted by the Ming to renew forests destroyed by Mongols 1,500.

length, in miles, of Great Wall rebuilt by Ming Emperors to keep Mongols out 400.

number of raids by one nomadic tribe, the T'u chije Turks, across the Great Wall

WAR AND SLAVERY (AND, UH, ENLIGHTENMENT).

(15751750)

IN A NUTSh.e.l.l.

In the two centuries following the Protestant Reformation, Europeans inflicted incredible violence on themselves and the rest of the world, all in the name of G.o.d. (Good old-fas.h.i.+oned greed was actually behind most of it.) In Europe, the king of Spain, Philip II, was determined to seize control of the British Isles, destroy Protestantism, and force the English to embrace the Catholic Church again. He built a huge fleet, the Spanish Armada, but the English teamed up to defeat the Armada and save England.

Although the English beat Philip, fifty years later they were torn apart by an internal religious conflict between different groups of Protestants, which led to civil war and the execution of the English king, Charles I-an act that horrified Europe in an age of "absolute monarchs." Meanwhile, the dissatisfaction of one group of Protestant radicals called Puritans led them to leave England and settle in the New World.

Back on "the Continent," the early seventeenth century saw Germany torn apart by a b.l.o.o.d.y conflict between Catholics and Protestants-the Thirty Years' War. And a half century after Philip's Armada bit the big one, Louis XIV, the "Sun King" of France, dreamed up a similarly ambitious plan: basically, conquering Europe. Like Philip, Louis said he was protecting Catholicism. (Yet somehow this involved trying to conquer Catholic countries, too.) To the east, the heirs of Ivan III of Moscow embarked on a series of conquests that created one of the largest empires in history. Styling themselves successors to the Roman emperors (czars and and czarinas czarinas, from Caesar Caesar), they came to rule an empire that stretched from Poland to Alaska-an astonis.h.i.+ng distance of 4,600 miles, encompa.s.sing 14 time zones and 130 million people.

The year 1644 also saw the overthrow of China's Ming Dynasty. The new rulers, Manchu barbarians from the forests of northern China, weren't quite as brutal as the Mongols, so their new dynasty, the "Q'ing," managed to control China. During the Q'ing Dynasty, China ruled more territory than at any other time in history-but soon discovered it had fallen far behind Europe in technology and governance.

Indeed, Europe was on the move in every arena, usually as violently as possible. The outlook for the non-European parts of the world was looking grim.

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN.

1589.

Spanish Armada is defeated.

1600.

Tokugawa unites j.a.pan, declares himself Shogun.

1607.

Jamestown, Virginia, settlement founded by English colonists.

16181648 Thirty Years' War takes place.

1620.

Salem, Ma.s.sachusetts, settlement founded by English colonists.

1633.

Galileo is forced to recant his heliocentric theory.

16421648 English Civil War takes place.

1643.

Louis XIV becomes king of France.

1644.

Ming Dynasty overthrown by Manchu invaders; Qing Dynasty established.

1649.

King Charles I executed by English Parliament.

1664.

Britain seizes New Amsterdam from the Dutch, renames it New York.

1676.

Nathaniel Bacon leads a failed rebellion in Virginia.

1687.

Isaac Newton publishes theory of gravity.

1689.

Peter the Great becomes czar of Russia.

17021713 War of the Spanish Succession takes place.

UNA ARMADA VENCIBLE.

One thing about the Spanish Armada: it was big, but probably not as big as most people imagine. The Armada contained 355 s.h.i.+ps: 20 galleons and 44 merchantmen armed with cannons, eight galleys, and a large number of unarmed transports. It carried about 2,500 guns, 30,000 soldiers, and 14,000 support staff, including 19 justices and 50 administrators selected to govern England for King Philip II. One hundred and forty-six young Catholic n.o.blemen from all over Europe also signed up for this fun excursion, with 728 servants to keep them fighting in comfort.In 1588, King Philip II of Spain sent the bada.s.s Armada Invencible Armada Invencible against England. But what was Philip's problem with our girl Queen Elizabeth? He had a couple, actually. For one thing, Elizabeth had turned down his marriage proposals-for good reason. Philip had been married to Elizabeth's sister, and after the death in 1558 of the lovely Queen "b.l.o.o.d.y" Mary, Elizabeth came under a huge amount of pressure from her (male) advisors to marry someone-anyone, even Philip-thus placing a man on the throne of England. But Elizabeth preferred to rule herself, keeping England outside the Catholic Church and wielding enormous power as t.i.tular head of the Anglican Church. The last straw for Philip was Elizabeth's support of rebellious Protestants in one of Philip's prized possessions-the wealthy Netherlands. against England. But what was Philip's problem with our girl Queen Elizabeth? He had a couple, actually. For one thing, Elizabeth had turned down his marriage proposals-for good reason. Philip had been married to Elizabeth's sister, and after the death in 1558 of the lovely Queen "b.l.o.o.d.y" Mary, Elizabeth came under a huge amount of pressure from her (male) advisors to marry someone-anyone, even Philip-thus placing a man on the throne of England. But Elizabeth preferred to rule herself, keeping England outside the Catholic Church and wielding enormous power as t.i.tular head of the Anglican Church. The last straw for Philip was Elizabeth's support of rebellious Protestants in one of Philip's prized possessions-the wealthy Netherlands.But Philip's grand plan didn't survive the weather. He foolishly ordered the Armada to sail into a North Sea gale, explaining, "Since it is all for His cause, G.o.d will send good weather." Not so much. The Spanish broke formation and the disorganized (and suddenly vencible vencible) Armada was blown by strong winds into the North Sea. The slow, clunky Spanish galleons now had to ride the currents wherever they went. This turned out to be Ireland, where the Spanish soon discovered that the Irish Catholics were not much friendlier than the English Protestants. Hundreds of s.h.i.+pwrecked Spanish sailors were killed by Irish natives, who kept everything that washed ash.o.r.e.

SPINNING THE GLOBE.

England:

When Puritans Attack

Fifty years after defeating the Spanish Armada, England was wracked by internal religious conflict. The problem? The religious reforms of Henry VIII and his daughter Elizabeth didn't go nearly far enough for the various Protestant sects, especially the radical wing of the Protestant movement-the Puritans. The Puritans believed that the Anglican Church was just a slightly revamped version of the old Catholic hierarchy and wanted to truly "purify" it (hence their name).

Religion wasn't the only cause of conflict: the monarchy's finances were also a problem. When Charles I called Parliament to approve taxes for a war against Scotland in 1640, the delegates wanted to discuss the king's spending habits. Charles wasn't interested in a financial intervention and dismissed Parliament immediately (thus its historical name, the "Short Parliament"). In 1642, however, having run out of money again, he was forced to reconvene Parliament, and this time it was even less friendly (the "Long Parliament").

Charles and the Long Parliament weren't able to hammer out a compromise-so he tried to break the deadlock by arresting five leading members of Parliament. Parliament was understandably not thrilled by these bullying tactics. The result: civil war.

In the English Civil War, Parliament controlled London, the rich south, and the ports-bad news for Charles. In 1644, under Oliver Cromwell, the forces of Parliament triumphed over Charles' Royalists. After Cromwell's "New Model Army" defeated the Royalists again in 1645, Charles was captured-though he escaped and tried to make a deal with the Scots (yes, the same Scots he had just tried to conquer).

Plotting with "foreigners" against his own people turned out to be another bad idea. After they recaptured him in 1648, Parliament tried Charles for treason and executed him. Now Oliver Cromwell became the dominant force in English politics-turning himself into an iron-fisted "Lord Protector" who crushed dissent as ruthlessly as any king.

Cromwell was actually quite different from the radical Puritans who'd helped him gain power. He managed to contain the Puritans and steer England on a moderate religious path. But his role in the trial and execution of King Charles I made him a controversial figure until his death in 1658. Fundamentally conservative, most English were still more comfortable with a king than a "Lord Protector" whose only claim to power was armed force.

So when Cromwell died, Parliament bowed to popular opinion by placing on the throne the son of Charles I-the aptly named Charles II. Charles II turned out to be a bit of a loser, but that wasn't really the point; what was important was English monarchy was back for good (albeit with much less power).

North America: