The Road To Her Part 19

I scooped my keys back out of the wooden bowl, cursing as they fell to the floor. I s.n.a.t.c.hed them up, then ran into the hallway, watching as the lift doors slowly closed. I jabbed on the lift's b.u.t.ton, urging the doors to open again, but instead, I saw the down arrow illuminate. I punched the b.u.t.ton again, more out of frustration than anything else, then hurried down the stairs, my speed impeded by my stupid slippers. By the time I'd reached the ground floor, I saw Elise already out on the pavement, hailing a cab and disappearing into the first one that stopped.

It was too late. She was gone.

Chapter Nineteen.

I stared at the door that Elise had just left through, my head in a muddle, my heart flailing wildly in my chest. Taking the lift back up to my apartment, my mind repeated her words over and over.

"I can't do this..."

What couldn't she do?

Me?

Jasey?

Portobello Road?

Back in my apartment, I fumbled for my phone, hidden somewhere in my bag, and rang her. She'd been so distressed-there was no better way to describe her-that I worried she wouldn't get home safely. I sank on my sofa, my mobile clamped to my ear, and listened to it as it rang out, going eventually to Elise's voicemail.

"Elise." My voice sounded strained and panicked. "It's me. Are you...are you all right? I don't know what just happened there, but I need to know you're okay." I paused, hoping she might pick up when she heard my voice, but she didn't. "Call me?" I said. "Just let me know you got home safely, yeah?"

I put my phone down and looked at it, willing it to ring, like you do when you're desperate for someone to contact you. I thought if I stared at it long and hard enough, my message to Elise would get through, she'd pick up and call me back, telling me everything was okay. But she didn't. When I tried ringing her one more time, again getting her voicemail, I sent her a text, telling her I was worried about her, and urging her to text or call me back, no matter how late.

Tired of staring at my silent phone, I wandered to the kitchen and poured myself a drink. I leant against the kitchen unit, cradling my gla.s.s with both hands, my mind both whirling and completely blank. I don't know how long I stood there, gazing empty-headed at the floor, before I heard my phone beep from in the lounge. Downing my drink, which had remained untouched until then, I went straight to it and felt a rush of relief as I saw Elise's name flash up in front of me.

"I'm fine," it said. Nothing else. Just, "I'm fine."

The ringing of my phone woke me with a start. I peered, bleary-eyed, at my alarm clock and saw that it was three a.m.-I'd gone to bed just an hour earlier, feeling slightly more able to sleep since I'd had a text back from Elise and knew she was okay, but now panic seized me, having been awakened so soon after drifting off. My heart thumped wildly, thinking it was bad news about one of my parents. I blinked at my phone, the backlight on it making my eyes hurt in the pitch black of my bedroom.

It was Elise.

"Elise." I sat bolt upright in bed, pinching my eyes tight shut against the bright glare. "Thank G.o.d," I breathed.

"I'm sorry," Elise said. She sounded drunk.

"You all right?" I asked. "I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry," Elise repeated, her voice thick. "I don't know what to do."

I ran my hand through my hair, starting to get alarmed. "What's happened?" I asked.

"I don't know what to do," Elise said again. "Can I come over?"

I leant back, propping myself up on one elbow and looked at the alarm clock again.

"Please?" Her voice was urgent.

"Where are you?" My pulse thudded in my neck.

"Outside."

"Outside where?" I frowned.

"Your place."

I instinctively looked at the window, my breath coming faster. "You're here?"

"Are you going to let me in, or not?" Elise slurred.

"Of course!" I jumped out of bed, hopping on one foot as I pulled on pyjama bottoms that had been cast off, as always, during the night. "Wait, I'll buzz you up."

I cancelled her call and looked at myself briefly in the mirror, running my fingers though my hair, trying and failing to get it to behave before giving up. I pressed the buzzer on the intercom, then replaced it and waited for Elise to knock on my front door.

When she finally came to the door, I was shocked at the sight of her. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and her hair, normally so perfect, was plastered across her face. She was dressed in a scruffy grey hoodie and baggy blue sweatpants, a total contrast to what she'd been wearing just a few hours earlier and a bit of a surprise to see, considering she always looked so immaculate.

"Blimey, Elise!" I looked at her, stunned, as she meekly stepped in through the door and stood, head bowed, in my hall. "You really aren't okay, are you?"

"I couldn't sleep," she said. "I need to talk to you."

She looked up at me through tear-clogged eyes and sniffed loudly. I stood facing her, not saying a word, just not knowing what to say.

"I could use a drink," she said, breaking the silence.

"Sorry, of course." I stepped back from her and gestured for her to follow me in. I made my way to the kitchen, then paused. "Elise, do you think you might have had enough already?"

"Not nearly enough, no," she said, tears welling in her eyes again.

"Even so." I made my way back to the kitchen, pouring us each a tumbler of water, and returned to the lounge, sitting down next to her on the sofa. I slid her gla.s.s across the coffee table towards her. "Want to tell me what's going on?" She stared down into her gla.s.s and, with one gulp, drained the water inside.

"Not really," she mumbled.

"Has something happened?" I asked, sipping at my water. "Have you had bad news or something?"

"No," she said quietly. "Nothing like that." She perched precariously on the edge of my sofa, and in her drunken mess she looked like she was about to slide off into a heap on the floor. I put down my gla.s.s and went to her, gently extricating her gla.s.s from her grip.

"Just been thinking, tha.s.sall." She tried to focus on me through bleary eyes.

"Yuh-huh," I said, moving away slightly from her. "That's never a good idea-too much thinking, especially after a skinful!"

"All I want is someone nice," she mumbled. "Someone who'll take care of me." She blinked tears away. "I never meant to go out with Robbie or sleep with Stig, Holly," she said suddenly. "That was never the plan. I just wanted to forget about things."

"Okay," I said slowly, wondering just why she'd think to mention either of them right now.

"And I never meant to push you away like I have been doing," she said. "I'm just so scared."

"Of what?" I asked.

"Why did you kiss me like that on the shoot?" she asked. "And before that? In your dressing room?"

My heartbeat quickened. "You know why," I said. "We've been over this enough times."

"I need to hear you tell me," Elise said.

"Don't do this," I said. "You're drunk. You're only being like this because you're drunk. It's a mistake, Elise."

"I'm drunk, yes," she said. "But sober enough to know what I want, and I know that I want you."

"You don't." I shook my head, ignoring the pounding of my heart. "You've made that perfectly clear."

"I've never said that I don't want you, Hol," Elise said. "Just that I can't be with you."

"Your work," I said bitterly. "I know, I know. Your work is more important to you than giving in to what your heart's telling you."

"I know what my heart's telling me now, though." She gazed at me for the longest time before reaching her hand out and touching my face, tracing her fingers up and down my cheek, sending a shudder through me. No one had touched me like that since Grace. I'd forgotten how nice it was. "And I know what I want now," she said.

"Don't do this," I said half-heartedly, closing my eyes. When I opened them she was still looking at me, her face a mixture of wanting and confusion.

"Do you really mean that?" she asked. She put her other hand on my other cheek and leant her face closer to me, so that her lips were now inches from mine, her warm breath fluttering against my skin.

"No," I said weakly.

"Do you want me to stop?" Elise bent her head and kissed my neck.

"No." My voice was barely audible.

"Good," she whispered back as she pressed her lips to mine and began slowly kissing me, sighing in the back of her throat as I kissed her back. I was unable-and unwilling-to hold back anymore, loving the feeling of her gentle lips on mine, and the taste of her.

Finally, we pulled apart. Elise looked at me and bent her head, touching her forehead against mine.

"Oh, Holly, Holly, Holly," she sighed, breathing out slowly. "Holly Eight-Year."

She kissed me again, her soft lips warm and sweet on mine. As I kissed her back, her hand that had been stroking my face moved down to my leg, running over it, caressing the outside of my thigh, sending shockwaves through me. I was dizzy with longing for Elise, and the more she kissed me, the more my head spun, making me feel as if I was floating up to the ceiling.

"I don't understand," I finally said when she pulled away.

She leant her head against the back of the sofa and studied me carefully. "Don't understand what?" she asked slowly, her eyes fixed firmly on my lips rather than my eyes. Before she could even give me a chance to answer, she leant over again and started kissing my neck, nuzzling into me, tracing her lips and tongue against my skin, pulling my PJ top away from my shoulder, kissing down over it to my collarbone.

"Anything. Everything." I gasped as her hand crept up under my PJ top. I grabbed her hand to stop her and pulled away. "What's changed?"

"All my life," she began, biting at her lip, "I've been worried what other people think."

"But-" I began.

"Shh!" Elise hushed me. "Worried about my public image, concerned about how people see me, scared that it'll affect my career." She looked evenly at me. "It's held me back all my life, stopped me from being who I really am."

"Stopped you?" I reached out and moved her hair from her eyes.

"Sometimes it's stopped me from being with the person I really want to be with," Elise said. "But it's never stopped Casey, has it?"

"Casey?" I asked, confused.

"I'm playing this girl who's not afraid of what people think about her," Elise said. "A girl who knows what she wants and won't let anyone stop her." She breathed in deeply, her breath faltering. "I can be that girl on screen, but I can't be that girl in real life." Elise looked at me, her face pained. "How f.u.c.ked up is that?"

"Casey's just a character, Elise," I said. "Invented for the amus.e.m.e.nt of the viewing public."

"But she has what I want," Elise said. "I'm jealous of her because she has something I want."

"Which is?"

"You," Elise replied simply. "She has the confidence to be who she truly is, and she has the guts to be with who she wants to be with in life." Elise closed her eyes. "And you have no idea how much I hate that she has you...and I don't."

"But..." I chose my words carefully. "Your career? Your image?"

"I'm lonely," Elise said simply. "I'm lonely without you, but I still ignored my feelings for you because I thought everything would change if I gave in to them." Her eyes flickered up to meet mine. "But I can't ignore it anymore."

"Nothing needs to change," I said. "No one needs to know a thing."

Elise stood up, holding a hand out to me. As I stood to join her, she pulled me close to her, kissing me slowly, running her hands up under my PJ top and over my bare back, raking her fingernails softly up and down over my skin. Without a word, she took my hand again and led me to my bedroom.

I dropped her hand and watched as she slowly lay down on my bed and beckoned me over to her, but instead of joining her, I remained rooted to the spot in the doorway, unsure whether I should go to her. It was agony. Elise had finally admitted that she liked me, and yet something was still holding me back. She was drunk. Did she really mean it? If I went to her now, there would be no holding back.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked her. I peered at her closely, watching as her eyes slowly got heavier and heavier, and smiled to myself even though inside I was groaning with frustration. "You're falling asleep, Elise," I said.

She held a hand out to me. "No, I'm not." She propped herself up on one elbow and squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them again. "Too much whisky tonight, tha.s.sall."

Finally I walked over to her. She reached her arms up to me and knitted her hands behind my neck, pulling me down to her. Gently removing her hands from around me, I leant over and moved her hair from her eyes, softly kissing her forehead.

"You're drunk and tired and confused," I began.

"And h.o.r.n.y," she said, interrupting me.

"Maybe so. But...I'm not taking advantage of you in this state," I said firmly.

"Oh, please do." She groaned, her eyes closing.

"No." With a sigh, I went to the end of the bed and removed her Converses, listening as her breathing got longer and deeper with each breath.

I looked at her lying on my bed, her blond hair falling softly onto my pillow, her eyes now shut. My heart ached for her. After gazing at her for a few seconds, I slowly and gently pulled the duvet up around her, making her stir.

"Holly?" She looked at me through sleepy eyes.