How Can I Forgive You? Part 10

"I think this is her idea of a peace offering," David told me, "but I turned her down. How could she question my integrity? I've been such a good son. I love her and want to have a relations.h.i.+p with her, but she makes it so hard."

A year later, as his mother lay in a hospice dying of lung cancer, David finally spoke up. "Before you die, I'd like you to do me a favor,"

he said. "I'd like you to apologize for saying I took your money." His mother took his hand and said, "I made a mistake, and I'm sorry for Genuine Forgiveness 155.

hurting your feelings. You've never given me any reason not to trust you. This suspicion thing comes with old age. You feel more vulnerable, more anxious. It's about me, not you. You've been a wonderful boy." She smiled and added, "Now will you take the crystal?"

Recently, I was sitting on a train beside a woman who was holding a bouquet of long-stem roses. Always ready to hear a good story, I said, "May I ask the occasion?" She answered with a wicked twin-kle in her eye, "It's an 'I'm sorry.'"

"You must have done something really bad," I joked.

"Not me," she smiled. "Him."

I pointed at the flowers. "So does this do the trick?"

"No way!" she shot back.

"What does he need to do?" I asked. "Address the problem itself?"

"You'd better believe it," she said.

What these stories ill.u.s.trate is a basic lesson about forgiveness: If you want to heal an injury you can't just have fun together or offer superficial gifts. You must directly address the pain you caused.

Examples of Bad Apologies A bad apology is everything a good apology isn't. In a bad apology, you deny, discount, or dismiss the injury. You convey the att.i.tude that you're terribly put out at having to make amends. You let the injured party know how ponderous and silly this process of earning forgiveness is. You apologize in ways that block healing and keep the injury alive.

Here are a few examples of bad apologies: * The two-second apology: "Sorry."

* The sanitized apology: "I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong."

* The s.h.i.+rk responsibility apology: "I'm sorry if if I hurt your feelings." I hurt your feelings."

* The lack of owners.h.i.+p apology: "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt."

* The perfunctory apology: "As I've said before, I'm sorry."

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* The vindictive apology: "I'll show you what it means to be sorry."

* The grudging apology: "I said said I was sorry. What else do you want?" I was sorry. What else do you want?"

* The expedient apology: "I know I'm in the doghouse unless I say I'm sorry, so here it is."

* The "yes . . . but," blame-deflecting apology: "I'm sorry I did X, but you're no Mother Teresa either."

* The "Oh, what the h.e.l.l" apology: "Heh, I'm sorry, pal."

* The obsequious apology: "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry (but don't ask me why)."

* The contemptuous apology: "I'm sorry for stepping on your big fat ego."

* The exaggerated, manipulative apology: "I hate myself for what I did. Can you ever, ever forgive me?"

* The guilt-inducing apology: "Do you really need me to apologize for that that?"

An Example of a Good Apology A middle-aged doctor named Alex had a s.e.xual and emotional relations.h.i.+p with an out-of-state business a.s.sociate during the sixteen years of his marriage. His wife, Kate, was raised by a s.e.xually abusive, alcoholic father, and carried into her adult life a fear of anger and confrontation. Alex had a drinking problem, too; this and a condescending tone, made it impossible for Kate to enjoy s.e.x with him. When she learned that he was leading a double life, he ended his affair. While in couple therapy, he wrote Kate the following letter, which captures many elements of a good apology: I'm sorry, Kate. The list of apologies is long and hard to write.

Starting backward, I am sorry to have brought you (us) to this point. . . . I hope I'll be able to express these thoughts in a way that will convey the sincerity of my remorse and my very real desire to rebuild our relations.h.i.+p. . . . I'm sorry to have spent so many years in an alcoholic fog, ignoring your loving warnings and turning my back on the presence of a demon, now obvi-157.

ous, that stalks our families. Alcoholism is never good, but in our case it was doubly bad because it recalled all the horror of that aspect of your childhood. And mine. It crippled my ability to face reality, it distorted my personality, and, most devastating, it erected a wall between us.

I'm sorry that I left you to bring up the children largely on your own. While I hid from my shortcomings in caves- work, alcohol, and someone other than you-you made your way along the difficult path of caring for the children without the comfort and help I should have provided. You managed masterfully, even preserving for me a loving place in their lives. How much better it would have been to have agonized over their troubles together. It would have done much for our relations.h.i.+p and for the children.

In our physical relations.h.i.+p, I also let you down in many ways. Rather than working at what neither of us much understood, I made it impossible. First by shattering the personal and emotional relations.h.i.+p that is essential for a happy s.e.x life. It should have been an enhancement, an expansion of our commitment to one another. Instead, I withdrew the foundation. Then I added alcohol, bringing in fear, fear of the unknown past, and making you feel used and unloved. Finally, betraying our marital bond, I left you feeling cheated and deprecated rather than sacred. These things cannot be erased as if they never happened. The actions are irretrievable. The debt is enormous, and no doubt can never be fully made up. If I am able to regain your trust, I will try.

"You weren't even nice to me." I confess to being startled to hear you say this. I know now it is true, and I am ashamed.

This disgraceful behavior I hope to replace with actions that will let you know that, though we are in many ways different, I respect, admire, love, and indeed cherish you.

The list could go on and on. The painful particulars could be spelled out. At least these things need saying. Saying is surely easier than doing, but it's a beginning.

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Critical Task #4: Seek to understand your behavior and reveal the inglorious truth about yourself to the person reveal the inglorious truth about yourself to the person you harmed. you harmed.

When she asks you, "Why did you do it? Why did you hurt me so?" and you respond, "I don't know," she's likely to go ballistic. If you haven't a clue, why wouldn't you hurt her again? Why should she feel safe with you? Why should she forgive you?

Pete's habit of arranging to meet his wife at two and then showing up at four, without calling, may have developed because he had difficulty organizing his time, or because he believed that his time was more valuable than hers. For her to forgive him, he needs to dig deep inside himself and discover what his offense reveals about him and about his att.i.tude toward her.

There's not much you can do to make good once you've violated someone. You can't redo your behavior. You can't wash away the pain or devastation you have caused. But you can spend time figuring out why you behaved the way you did and then trust the hurt party with your revelations.

If you tend not to confront yourself critically and hesitate to reveal your flawed self to others (this covers most of us), you may want to explore your issues with the help of a therapist. It's easy to come up with shallow, self-serving explanations, but this is empty, meaningless work, not the work of forgiveness. You must be willing to face harsh realities about yourself that on some level you know are true but fight hard not to own. You must also resist the unjustified urge to blame others-to cast them in the worst possible light and hold dear to your "official" story, which maintains your innocence.

Explore the Sources of Your Behavior.

Your offensive words or actions may be an automatic, well-worn response to anyone who seems to threaten you, and say more about you than they do about the person you harmed. You can read more about this and other key factors in Part Three, Acceptance.

Both of you should understand that this exercise in self-discovery, this turning inward, isn't meant to dismiss or diminish what you did.

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You're just trying to shed light on your vulnerabilities so that you can behave in a more conscious and conscientious way in the future.

In confronting why you wronged another human being, I encourage you to ask yourself these hard questions: * What allowed me to violate her rights-to devalue her and treat her without respect?

* What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all?

* How did I justify what I did? How did I give myself permission to act the way I did?

* What can I learn about myself from this? What was my behavior about? What am I I about? about?

Why Is This Work Necessary?

You may ask yourself, "Why do I need to a.n.a.lyze my behavior and expose my dark inner core? Is it to disgrace myself in order to make her feel better? To castigate myself for my crime?"

It may help to reframe this task, seeing it, rather, as a way of unearthing your faults and creating a landscape where forgiveness can take place. Your willingness to dissect yourself publicly and lay claim to your issues is likely to help her trust you as someone who, of his own volition, wants to take control of his behavior.

"But will all this self-a.n.a.lysis authenticate my remorse, and convince her that I'm 'cured?'" you may ask. No, of course it won't.

Insight alone won't make an unfaithful partner faithful, give an abusive parent more self-control, or make a coldhearted boss warmer.

But without insight into the origin and meaning of your behavior- or, more to the point, without your willingness to take an interest in without your willingness to take an interest in these issues these issues -the hurt party has little reason to trust you again, and even less reason to forgive you. -the hurt party has little reason to trust you again, and even less reason to forgive you.

One patient, Karen, found herself unable to forgive her unfaithful husband. "Why should I," she asked, "when he can't face why he strayed?" For two years Karen debated whether to recommit to him or file for divorce. Throughout this time, he refused to join her in therapy or discuss their relations.h.i.+p. "He tells me he can't look back, that 160 something happened to him as a child, some form of abuse that would have catastrophic consequences if he uncovered it," she told me. "He tells me he'll never have another affair, because he's on medication for high blood pressure, which makes him impotent. And this is supposed to make me feel safe? I said to him, 'I need you to understand, and help me understand, why you cheated on me-to let me in on your secrets and work with me to make our marriage more solid and loving.' You know, it's not the affair that makes his behavior unforgivable. It's his unwillingness to talk about it or try to make sense of it. I'm left dan-gling. He's too busy protecting his feelings to tend to mine."

Injured parties like Karen need more than words of remorse.

They need to be convinced that you've changed for good, particularly if they're thinking of reconciling. "He says he's sorry and won't do it again," Karen told me. "But how do I know he's sincere? How do I know he's changed for good? What if I open myself up to him and get slammed again?"

For you to answer "Because I won't" isn't going to spark much confidence. It's better to say, "Because I saw what my behavior did to us, and I don't want it ever to happen again." Best, though, is to say-and to demonstrate-"Because I have a depth of understanding about myself today that I didn't have before. I'm more conscious of where I'm coming from. I know my vulnerabilities, what sets me off, and how I tend to react. When I see what I don't like in myself, I don't look away or blame you, as I used to. I look more closely at myself."

Moving from Level 1 to Level 2 Explanations In answering the question "Why did I do it?" your initial responses may be shallow or disingenuous. I call these Level 1 explanations. Level 2 explanations go deeper and are often upsetting in what they reveal about you. They require honesty, awareness, and humility.

Here are three Level 1 explanations. They move to Level 2 as you dig down into yourself and get closer to the truth.

Example 1: When Ron, a trial lawyer, ended his affair with a woman who worked in the courthouse, he agreed to tell his wife, Amelia, whenever he needed to go there. One day Amelia drove by When Ron, a trial lawyer, ended his affair with a woman who worked in the courthouse, he agreed to tell his wife, Amelia, whenever he needed to go there. One day Amelia drove by Genuine Forgiveness 161.

the courthouse and saw his car in the lot. "Why did you break your promise?" she asked him that night. "Why would you want to destroy my trust in you again?"

Ron's Level 1 responses included: "I forgot to call you." "I didn't have time." "I was just going to run over and pick up some papers."

"She doesn't work there on Tuesdays, so I didn't think it was important for you to know."

Ron agreed to work at being more honest with himself and with Amelia. Moving to Level 2, he admitted to her, "I realize it's important for you to know where I am. But there's something about being so accountable-something about knowing how important this is to you-that makes it hard for me to give you what you want. Calling you makes me feel like a prisoner who must meet the warden's demands. I'm still fighting my father's control, still defying his will, and you're caught in the middle."

Example 2: Stephen's teenage daughters confronted him about his explosive temper. He tried to explain. Operating on Level 1, he said, Stephen's teenage daughters confronted him about his explosive temper. He tried to explain. Operating on Level 1, he said, "The world is a tough place. I need to be tough. I need to teach you to be tough. When you provoke me, you push me over the edge."

His Level 2 response was more thoughtful. In a letter addressed to his kids, he wrote, "You ask, why do I act the way I do. I think I'm a product of my past. My father was a manic-depressive. He'd be silent for days, then blow up. And when he did, I felt obliterated. I couldn't speak up to him, but I swore I'd never let anyone else treat me like dirt. I know I get hot too fast. I take things too personally. My anger is a mask. It makes me feel tough and in control. It's like a s.h.i.+eld I put up against the humiliation, the sense of helplessness, I'm feeling at the time. I never wanted to be like my father. Guess what? I am, and I hate it."

Example 3: A year after her daughter was born, Tory told her husband, Warren, that she wanted a divorce. At first she offered a Level 1 explanation for her coldness-"I'm just responding to the way you treat me." A year after her daughter was born, Tory told her husband, Warren, that she wanted a divorce. At first she offered a Level 1 explanation for her coldness-"I'm just responding to the way you treat me."

As she reached into her past, Tory moved to Level 2: "I grew up with a father who kept a record of my behavior inside a locked kitchen cabinet. Every time he thought I was bad, he put down a 162 gold star. When I earned ten-and I never knew when that was- he lashed me with a strap. Where was my mother? I learned that relations.h.i.+ps were dangerous and that if I was going to survive I'd have to rely on myself. Did I expect to get married and have it easy?

"When it comes to us, I get angry when you don't look at me when I talk to you, when you monopolize the conversation, when you don't ask me what I think. I a.s.sume you don't respect me. I understand that's your way-you can be self-absorbed and distracted. If I didn't overreact, I could point out your pattern, and you'd probably try harder.

You're flawed, but you're not evil. I've been cold from the get go because I expected you to harm me. I never gave the marriage a chance.

I was out of here before I signed the papers."

Critical Task #5: Work hard to earn back trust.

Your words convey your intent; your behavior demonstrates your capacity for change. To earn forgiveness, you need to back up your words of remorse with acts of repentance. Just as critical as "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" are your bold, concrete gestures, day after day, which drive home the point that you mean what you say.

Concrete Acts of Atonement and the Restoration of Trust Here are four ways to restore trust and demonstrate your desire to produce lasting change.

1. Engage in low-cost and high-cost trust-building behaviors.

In my book on recovering from infidelity, After the Affair, After the Affair, I developed the concept of low- and high-cost trust-building behaviors. The "cost" refers to the emotional, not necessarily the mone-tary, expense, to the offender. I developed the concept of low- and high-cost trust-building behaviors. The "cost" refers to the emotional, not necessarily the mone-tary, expense, to the offender.

A low-cost, trust-building behavior is something you can do regularly, with relative ease, to demonstrate the sincerity of your penitence. A high-cost behavior requires much more of you. It often involves a great sacrifice that makes you feel uncomfortable, defensive, or resistant. In choosing appropriate acts of atonement, you have to give the hurt party what matters to her, her, what what she she needs to needs to Genuine Forgiveness 163.

trust you again. There's no formula, no prescription, for healing. Just be wary of an anemic response-too little, too late. You may be asked to provide a significant intervention-not a few drops of blood, but a transfusion. It's better to err on the side of generosity.

When it comes time to script your repentance, don't a.s.sume that the two of you are going to be on the same page. I encourage you, therefore, to pinpoint her needs either by asking her exactly what you can do to win back her trust or by making suggestions and asking her to rate their importance to her.

If you want to be forgiven for an affair, common low-cost, trust-building behaviors might be: * changing your cell phone number so that your former lover doesn't know how to reach you; * encouraging your partner to call you at any time; * letting your partner know as soon as you run into or hear from the lover; * giving your partner a copy of your monthly telephone and credit card bills; * sending and reading E-mail only in your partner's presence; and * telling your partner when you feel angry or annoyed at her rather than storing your feelings, as you may have done in the past.

High-cost behaviors might include: * changing jobs, if you and the lover work in the same office; * changing homes or communities, if you and the lover are neighbors; * formally ending your relations.h.i.+p with the lover in your partner's presence; and * putting a significant portion of your savings in your partner's name.

Here are high- and low-cost behaviors that can be used to redress other violations: 164.

* exploring your early childhood wounds in therapy and writing the hurt party a letter revealing what you learn about yourself and your present behavior; * acknowledging the truth of her accusations both to her and to those who matter to her (her spouse, her children); * respecting her need to distance herself from you (not touch-ing her when you greet each other, if that's her wish); * not pressuring her to forgive you.

2. Fill out a Dysfunctional Thought Form (DTF).

Another way to convey remorse is to fill out a Dysfunctional Thought Form (DTF). This form, developed by Aaron Beck,25 helps you talk back to the negative or distorted ideas that shaped the way you perceived, felt toward, and treated the person you hurt.

Here's how to fill one out.

Dysfunctional Thought Form 1. Describe the 2. Describe 3. Record your 4. Record your situation- how you automatic corrected the facts feel thoughts ideas In the first column, write down the objective facts-what happened, separate from any thoughts or feelings you have about it. In the second column, describe the various ways you feel: offended, humiliated, challenged, angry, anxious, frustrated, depressed, and so on. In the third column, write down your automatic thoughts- those that flow through your mind. Don't edit or embellish them; just record them. In the fourth column, try to talk back to these automatic thoughts, identifying errors in your thinking. Behind this exercise is the idea that your thoughts fuel your emotions but are often irrational or mistaken. When you correct your ideas, your emotional response changes, too, and becomes less reactive, more calibrated to the realities of the situation. For a more detailed description of how to challenge your maladaptive thoughts, I rec-165.

ommend Mind Over Mood Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, and by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, and Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. by David Burns.

Let's look at Maria, a patient who used the DTF and this "cognitive restructuring exercise" to earn her husband's forgiveness.

Maria grew up in a large, vocal Italian family. "Everyone talked at once," she told me. "You learned to raise your voice to be heard. My mother had a temper from h.e.l.l and fought with me and my sister all the time, but we'd fight back, and the air would clear. My husband, George, comes from a different planet. His family ignores conflict and tends to live in silence. When I get angry, I let loose. For me, anger is a release. It means nothing. For him, it's the end of the world. There's no question that he provokes me, but I stoke the fire. He's had it with me. We're maybe one argument away from splitting up."

Here's how Maria filled out the form.

Column 1: Describe the situation. We were having a party, so I asked him to hang four flowerpots outdoors while I ran errands. We were having a party, so I asked him to hang four flowerpots outdoors while I ran errands.

He was home with our two young children. When I returned three hours later, he hadn't followed through, and the computer was turned on.

Column 2: Describe how you feel. I'm furious at him. I want to decapitate him. I'm furious at him. I want to decapitate him.

Column 3: Record your automatic thoughts. I ask him to do one d.a.m.n thing for me, and he can't. Do I have to do everything myself? Of course he still finds time to play with the computer. I ask him to do one d.a.m.n thing for me, and he can't. Do I have to do everything myself? Of course he still finds time to play with the computer.

Column 4: Challenge your automatic thoughts. Ask yourself: Are my ideas accurate? Are they useful? Is my response typical of me? What ideas accurate? Are they useful? Is my response typical of me? What could I do differently? could I do differently?