How Can I Forgive You? Part 3

Though hating may make you feel alive, it may also make you physically sick, or more susceptible to illness. A growing body of research demonstrates that chronic negative emotions such as bitterness, cynicism, mistrust, and hostility-all expressions of Not Forgiving-sap your energy and undermine your mental and physical well-being.20 A recent study found that subjects who were instructed to rehea.r.s.e unforgiving responses to a violation experienced elevated blood pressure and increased arousal of the sympathetic nervous system.21 If these physiological effects are chronic and intense, they could compromise your immune system, increasing the risk of cancer or infectious diseases, or building calcifications in the coronary arteries leading to cardiovascular disease.

Refusing to Forgive may isolate you not just from the person who hurt you but from those who have done you no harm. Mistrust is like blood seeping from a wound, staining everything it touches.

Morbidly absorbed in the injury, you may push everyone away, even those who care for you and want to help you heal. Unable to open up to them, or even admit that you welcome their support, you're likely to stand firm but alone.

Stabilizing and strengthening yourself requires more than a shot of indignation. You need to turn inward and make sense of the injury so you can go on with your life. You need to reach out and Refusing to Forgive 49.develop more nouris.h.i.+ng connections with those who are there for you, or who would like to be there for you. There's a difference between nursing your wounds and binding them, a difference between destructive rage and constructive anger. When you don't know the difference, Not Forgiving becomes your raison d'etre.

Giving up the brute arrogance of Not Forgiving is hard work.

You need to dismantle your pride, learn humility, and stop blaming others for your share of the problem. As Horney so colorfully points out, "taking this road would mean-heaven forbid-becoming more human. It would mean giving up [your] isolated grandeur, [your] uniqueness, and becoming an ordinary human being like everyone else without any special privileges; becoming part of the swarming ma.s.s of humanity." 22 Most of us have suffered violations that seem unpardonable.

Refusing to Forgive seems to demonstrate our courage and wisdom- our strength, our self-respect, our right to justice. The truth is, however, that Refusing to Forgive offers only a superficial balm for our wounds. It may give us a temporary rush of power, but it doesn't permit a clear, measured, self-sustaining response. It doesn't release us from our preoccupation with the offender or provide anything more than hatred to rebuild our injured pride. It gives us a veneer of protection but doesn't really make us any less fragile or more fulfilled as human beings.

In the end, Not Forgiving is just that-a negative force, a way of not not being engaged in life. It is a sorely limited, constricted, hard-hearted response to injury that feeds on hate and humiliation and diverts us from the greatest challenge of all-to make peace with ourselves so we can feel whole and happy to be alive. being engaged in life. It is a sorely limited, constricted, hard-hearted response to injury that feeds on hate and humiliation and diverts us from the greatest challenge of all-to make peace with ourselves so we can feel whole and happy to be alive.

Part Three

ACCEPTANCE.

A cceptance is a gutsy, life-affirming response to violation when the person who hurt you is unavailable or unrepentant. It asks nothing of anyone but you. Unlike Cheap Forgiveness or Refusing to Forgive, it is based on a personal decision to take control of your pain, make sense of your injury, and carve out a relations.h.i.+p with the offender that works for you.

Judith Herman points out in Trauma and Recovery Trauma and Recovery that you aren't responsible for the harm that was done to you, but you are responsible for your recovery.1 In other words, your freedom lies not in protesting the unfairness of the violation or in getting the offender to care. Your freedom-perhaps your only freedom-is in deciding how to survive and transcend the injury. Don't underestimate this freedom: it's enormous. With it comes the power to decide how you're going to live the rest of your life. As you take the task of healing into your own hands, you empower yourself and make peace with the past. that you aren't responsible for the harm that was done to you, but you are responsible for your recovery.1 In other words, your freedom lies not in protesting the unfairness of the violation or in getting the offender to care. Your freedom-perhaps your only freedom-is in deciding how to survive and transcend the injury. Don't underestimate this freedom: it's enormous. With it comes the power to decide how you're going to live the rest of your life. As you take the task of healing into your own hands, you empower yourself and make peace with the past.

THE TEN STEPS OF ACCEPTANCE.

When you accept someone: * Step 1: You honor the full sweep of your emotions.

* Step 2: You give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution.

* Step 3: You stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life.

* Step 4: You protect yourself from further abuse.

* Step 5: You frame the offender's behavior in terms of his own personal struggles.

* Step 6: You look honestly at your own contribution to the injury.

54.* Step 7: You challenge your false a.s.sumptions about what happened.

* Step 8: You look at the offender apart from his offense, weighing the good against the bad.

* Step 9: You carefully decide what kind of relations.h.i.+p you want with him.

* Step 10: You forgive yourself for your own failings.

A Case Example Let's look at a patient named Sam, who learned to accept, but not forgive, his emotionally stunted father.

"For as long as I can remember, Dad ignored me," Sam recalled.

"The only use he had for me was showing me off to his friends- like the time our lacrosse team won a champions.h.i.+p and instead of giving me a big hug he went around bragging that his son was Number One. When I was eleven, he told me Mom had arthritis. It was cancer. I was playing lacrosse when one of his salesmen called out from the sidelines, 'Go home. Your mother's dead.' I never felt so alone. Even at the funeral, Dad never reached out to me. He didn't have a clue what I was feeling."

Sam finally got his father's attention the only way he knew how-through crime and drugs. Outwardly, he projected toughness and resolve. Inwardly, he felt lost, unlovable. He didn't ask himself why. He was a married man when he finally confronted his father about his mother's death. "Why did you send a stranger to break the news?" he asked. "How could you have been so insensitive? What were you thinking?"

"What did I know?" his father said, shrugging him off.

It was a sad, shallow response-the throwaway comment of a man who was unable to tap into his son's pain.

Sam now began to work on developing a view of himself independent of the way his father treated him-to begin valuing all that was likable and special about himself. In his search for validation, he turned inward and learned to take his father's behavior less person-Acceptance 55.ally. "Dad's been self-absorbed and self-congratulatory with virtually everyone, not just me," he reminded himself.

Sam stopped focusing on how neglected he had been and began investing his energy in taking care of himself and in doing things that would build his self-respect. He worked on getting closer to his wife, his sister, his friends. He took up marathon running. He developed a love of music.

In therapy, Sam struggled to understand his father's limitations.

"Dad's father abandoned him," he told me. "Dad was one of five kids left at home with their grandmother while their mother worked. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said, 'What did I know?' Maybe he didn't know how to comfort me. Maybe he didn't even know what comfort was."

I asked Sam to think about how he may have contributed to his father's behavior. "I was a tough kid with a terrible temper who didn't let on that he had any emotional needs," he admitted. "I wasn't easy to parent. I probably sent him messages that said, 'Take care of my sister instead.'"

Sam thought through what kind of relations.h.i.+p he would like to have with his father. He weighed the advantages of hating him and amputating him from his life, against the disadvantages. Where would mercy lead him? Where would staying in touch? Was it doing Sam any good to protest how his father had mistreated him? Did he really want to spend his life feeling betrayed and abandoned?

Before his father died, Sam visited him in the hospital and learned to value his admirable qualities-his humor, his stubborn refusal to submit to liver cancer or to burden others with his pain.

Near the end, Sam said to him, "Dad, it would help me get closer to you if you could acknowledge how alone I felt as a child and how, after Mom died, you were never able to give me much of yourself. His father looked at him and said, "For Christ's sake, get off the cross."

At the cemetery, Sam was overcome with compa.s.sion for himself- for all the losses and deprivations he had endured, for all the wrong 56 turns he had made; and he forgave himself for losing sight of his inner goodness and his potential as a human being.

He wanted to forgive his father but couldn't. The man was incapable of grasping the harm he had done or showing remorse for Sam's pain. But Sam was determined to stop agonizing over it and get on with his life. He was determined to take the power of healing back to himself.

Sam had finally reached an inner, emotional resolution that was realistic and authentic, given his history. What he could offer his father-Acceptance-fell short of Genuine Forgiveness, but it allowed him to reach out to the man, respect his strengths, tolerate his limitations, and enjoy a relations.h.i.+p that felt comfortable and real.

Let's look now at how, through Acceptance, you, too, can rehabilitate your injured self and settle your account with the offender.

Step #1: You honor the full sweep of your emotions.

With Acceptance, you appreciate the magnitude of the wrong that was done to you and give full voice to the violation. You refuse to let go of your grievance until you've grasped its meaning and understood its effect on you. You may need to replay the injury again and again until the whole truth sinks in.

You're likely to experience many losses at this time-losses regarding the way you know yourself and the person who harmed you, losses regarding the way you think about people and the world you live in. Whatever is gone or changed has to be acknowledged and grieved.

Some of you are experts at anger but can't feel sadness. For you, anger is easier to access and leaves you feeling righteous and safe.

Often, however, anger doesn't tell the whole story, or even the most important part. As James Baldwin wrote, "I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain."2 Others of you tend to block out anger but feel depressed. You may minimize what was done to you, telling yourself, "Many people Acceptance Acceptance 57.have been hurt much worse than I've been. Who am I to complain?"

But life is not a contest, and your pain counts as much as anyone else's. You need to know and value your feelings in and for themselves. Failure to acknowledge them is not humility, it's self-denial.

It helps to create a place within you where your emotions are safe-an empathic, holding environment where you do not judge, deny, or dismiss whatever is going on inside you. Once you acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to have them, you can begin to normalize them. All your life you may have been taught that emotions are dangerous, a sign of weakness. You may have learned to cut yourself off from them. But now you need to embrace them, secure in the knowledge that when someone violates you, you are not crazy or alone in responding with intense, even conflicting emotions.

In his study of grief, psychologist Jay Efran3 tells the story of a young boy who got separated from his mother in a grocery store.

Frantically, the child ran up and down the aisles, searching for her.

When he finally saw her, he threw himself into her arms and started to weep. Efran poses the question, "Why did the child cry only then, after after he had found his mother?" and explains that at that moment of reunion the boy got in touch with his terror and was overcome with sorrow for himself. For him, as for all of us, the ability to empathize with ourselves-to feel our own suffering, to know what we have endured-is a critical step in becoming whole again. he had found his mother?" and explains that at that moment of reunion the boy got in touch with his terror and was overcome with sorrow for himself. For him, as for all of us, the ability to empathize with ourselves-to feel our own suffering, to know what we have endured-is a critical step in becoming whole again.

For ten years, from ages five to fifteen, a patient named Kate was s.e.xually molested by her stepfather. Now she is twenty-five and engaged to Bruce, a man who professes to care deeply for her. "I love him," she told me, "but when I let him have s.e.x with me, which isn't often, I find myself crying afterward. I don't know what's wrong with me. I get furious just thinking how screwed up I am. I don't know why I have these feelings."

I told her that I thought she does know. "You're angry because your stepfather stole your innocence," I said. "He took away your ability to respond naturally to human touch, to appreciate your body.

58.When you cry after s.e.x, you appreciate, at that moment, all you've been robbed of. You see how you've been damaged through no fault of your own. You feel resentment and you also feel sad for yourself.

When you cry, you let go. It's a way of holding yourself and feeling your pain-of having compa.s.sion for yourself. Please try not to be so self-critical. It's healthy, allowing yourself these feelings. It's part of the process of accepting. In time I hope you'll come to accept not just the violation but your own natural response to it."

Like Kate, most people never forget traumatic wounds. Nor should they. The mind has a mind of its own. It never forgets. And this is adaptive. From past experiences, we learn lessons, recognize the enemy, antic.i.p.ate harm, and avoid it. Health comes not from exorcising painful events from our minds but from bearing witness to our pain, acknowledging its impact, commiserating with ourselves, mourning our losses, and then giving new meaning and creating new connections with people-including, perhaps, the offender.

Step #2: You give up your need for revenge but continue to seek a just resolution. seek a just resolution.

When somebody deliberately wrongs you, it's not unusual to want to inflict on him the pain he inflicted on you. But you should remind yourself that what usually brings lasting satisfaction is not hurting someone but having your own hurt understood and validated. And that's unlikely to come from a recalcitrant offender, no matter how brutally you punish him.

Retribution is also bound to provoke the offender and set up an endless cycle of reprisals and counter-reprisals, with escalating bitterness and violence. Your mind is likely to become a battleground, overrun with fruitless fantasies of revenge that block you from living your life in ways that generate pleasure or meaning.

With Acceptance, you learn to let go of this reflexive white rage-this blind need to wound or get even. You realize that though revenge may give voice to your pain, it will not douse your inflamed Acceptance Acceptance 59.thoughts or feelings, or restore your place in the world. In the end, you'll find that your wound remains unhealed, and that stoking your anger has brought neither peace nor resolution.

The goal of revenge is to crucify the offender. The goal of Acceptance is to resurrect your best self. Revenge is other-directed; Acceptance is inner-directed. to resurrect your best self. Revenge is other-directed; Acceptance is inner-directed. When you contain your obsessions, the offender becomes less important to you than When you contain your obsessions, the offender becomes less important to you than you you are to you. Getting back or getting even becomes less important than getting well. are to you. Getting back or getting even becomes less important than getting well.

Keep in mind that when you accept someone, you don't necessarily relinquish your need for justice or just punishment. Deciding to accept a partner who cheated on you or divorced you for your best friend doesn't stop you from seeking legal recourse-hiring a competent attorney and going for the best financial and child custody settlement you can get. Acceptance doesn't demand that you seek justice or rest.i.tution, but it doesn't preclude those options either. In the final a.n.a.lysis, the critical issue is not whether the offender gets his due but whether you free yourself from your emotional dependence on him and move beyond his transgression. It may help to take Nietzsche's advice and reduce the offender to such insignificance that you have no need to waste energy on him.4 When Mary, a middle-aged fiction editor, discovered through E-mails that her husband was sleeping with a neighbor's wife, she decided to let everyone know-including the neighbor's kids. She called and left a message on their answering machine: "Hi, kids. Do you know your mother is a wh.o.r.e?"

"Why shouldn't I destroy her family the way she destroyed mine?" Mary asked me. It was a very understandable human response. The problem was that it violated Mary's moral code and did nothing to ease her pain. She felt shamed twice -once by her husband and once by herself.

"I knew it was the wrong decision," she told me later, "because it made my skin crawl."

Like Mary, you may want to settle scores, but I recommend that you first ask yourself: 60.* In the end, what am I after? Do I want the offender to feel my pain? If I hurt him back, how will I benefit? Are there ways other than retribution that will get me what I want?

* Ultimately, does it matter what happens to this person who violated me, so long as I restore my self-esteem and my capacity to live a good life? What response will best help me recapture my dignity, my self-respect, my sense of control over the world?

* If he refuses to acknowledge my pain, where else can I go for comfort and support?

There is no single or best way to respond to a violation, so I encourage you to slow down until you find a solution that honors your principles and dignifies your pain. I also suggest that you balance your quest for revenge against your quest for personal healing.

Your sense of power and protection is likely to come less from acts of retribution than from feelings of wholeness and safety. Your goal is to feel less scared, less scarred, more in control. If you want your life back, you need to take care not to become so focused on punis.h.i.+ng the offender that you ignore how this process punishes you.

Step #3: You stop obsessing about the injury and reengage with life. with life.

Obsessions are dominating, intrusive, repet.i.tive thoughts that cause distress and compromise the quality of our lives. If you're struggling to contain them, you might ask yourself, "What purpose are they serving? I've re-lived what happened a thousand times; if I re-live it another thousand times will I be any happier or less tangled inside? I'll never have this moment again-is this how I want to spend it?"

What you're likely to discover is that your obsessions trap you inside your own head and distract you from the business of living.

They impair your health and mood, raising your blood pressure and heart rate and increasing your feelings of anxiety, anger, and depression. They also reinforce a narrow, perhaps warped perspective on Acceptance Acceptance 61.what happened, making it difficult for you to understand or accept it.

With Acceptance you make a conscious decision to break loose from your nagging thoughts and reclaim the energy you've spent on feeling betrayed-to dismantle your rage and reach out to life again.

With Acceptance, you refuse to be infected with shame or resentment. Your personal well-being becomes paramount. You come to like yourself more than you hate him.

If you're having too many conversations with yourself, you're probably not having enough conversations with the person you should be talking to-the one who hurt you. But if he can't or won't hear your pain, you can rein in your obsessions without him. I'll discuss how to do this in the exercises below.

It's important not to confuse the act of letting go of your unproductive ruminations with the idea that the injury doesn't matter.

When you work to curb your obsessions, you affirm the impact of the injury, but you also affirm your commitment to health. You don't necessarily replace negative feelings with positive feelings, but you do refuse to dwell on negative feelings or let them dominate you.

Here are some concrete strategies for controlling or limiting your obsessive thinking: * Challenging your negative thoughts. Challenging your negative thoughts. One way to break free of negative thoughts is to confront them head on and actively talk back to any that are mistaken or maladaptive. This is what a patient named Diane did after her dinner plans with her close friend Marie fell through. The day before the dinner Diane left a message on Marie's answering machine, asking her where she would like to meet. Marie replied with a message of her own: One way to break free of negative thoughts is to confront them head on and actively talk back to any that are mistaken or maladaptive. This is what a patient named Diane did after her dinner plans with her close friend Marie fell through. The day before the dinner Diane left a message on Marie's answering machine, asking her where she would like to meet. Marie replied with a message of her own: "I'm really sorry, but I can't make it tomorrow. I'm helping my son fill out his college applications-we've got three weeks left before they're due-and I'm totally overwhelmed. Let's make another plan next month." Charted below are Diane's negative thoughts, how they made her feel, and how she tried to respond more constructively.

62.Negative Thought The Feeling It A Constructive The Feeling It A Constructive Produced Produced Response She doesn't value Hurt, shame I'm taking Marie's my friends.h.i.+p.

rejection personally and jumping to conclusions.

She told me when we made the plan that she might not be able to keep it because of all the pressures in her life. She has trouble doing things for herself and feels responsible to her son.

She's always been friendly and warm in the past.

I shouldn't have Anger, hurt This is a "should"

to call her to find statement; it is my idea out she has no about how intention of relations.h.i.+ps should meeting me.

work, not necessarily about what's right or real. This thinking could cut me off from a good friend. I can talk this out with her.

This exercise helped Diane correct her dysfunctional ideas5 and put them to rest. It may help you, too.

* Questioning your habitual response to injury. Questioning your habitual response to injury. You may be responding to this injury in ways that are typical of you-ways that say more about your pattern of response to violation in general than about what the offender actually did, or meant to do, to you. I encourage you to ask yourself, "Do I tend to have an obsessive You may be responding to this injury in ways that are typical of you-ways that say more about your pattern of response to violation in general than about what the offender actually did, or meant to do, to you. I encourage you to ask yourself, "Do I tend to have an obsessive Acceptance Acceptance 63.style of thinking? If I weren't stewing about this offense, would I be stewing about another? Am I replaying the details not just because I was so badly hurt but because I'm mentally trapped in my pain and don't know how to let it go?"

* Medication. Medication. Certain medications clear your head, help you concen-trate, and reduce your irritability and depression. They may also help you sleep so that you can be more functional and resourceful during the day. The depletion of certain chemicals in the brain is known to translate into obsessive thinking, so you may get relief from medications that restore this chemical imbalance. Psychiatrist Laurence Lorefice recommends a group of SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil) which often help to diminish obsessional thinking.6 Certain medications clear your head, help you concen-trate, and reduce your irritability and depression. They may also help you sleep so that you can be more functional and resourceful during the day. The depletion of certain chemicals in the brain is known to translate into obsessive thinking, so you may get relief from medications that restore this chemical imbalance. Psychiatrist Laurence Lorefice recommends a group of SSRI's (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil) which often help to diminish obsessional thinking.6 You should know that medication is not meant to take away your pain or give you a deceptive sense of happiness or benevolence, but rather to stabilize you and allow you to respond to the injury in a healthier, more balanced way. You can ask your internist for a prescription or consult a psychiatrist, particularly one who specializes in psychopharmacology.

* Distraction. Distraction. Instead of remaining trapped in your own head, you can open up your senses and actively turn your focus outward to what is happening in the world around you. You might see two people interacting in a restaurant, for example, and entertain yourself by imagining their conversation. You might divert yourself by playing a game like Scrabble, taking up a musical instrument, or reading aloud to a child. The point is to take part in activities that lift you above painful thoughts and memories and give you a renewed sense of control, pleasure, and well-being. Instead of remaining trapped in your own head, you can open up your senses and actively turn your focus outward to what is happening in the world around you. You might see two people interacting in a restaurant, for example, and entertain yourself by imagining their conversation. You might divert yourself by playing a game like Scrabble, taking up a musical instrument, or reading aloud to a child. The point is to take part in activities that lift you above painful thoughts and memories and give you a renewed sense of control, pleasure, and well-being.

* Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping. This is another technique for actively interrupt-ing your obsessive cycle. You may be driving along when suddenly you realize that you've wasted the last fifteen minutes reliving some upsetting incident from the past. With Thought Stopping, you ask 64 This is another technique for actively interrupt-ing your obsessive cycle. You may be driving along when suddenly you realize that you've wasted the last fifteen minutes reliving some upsetting incident from the past. With Thought Stopping, you ask 64 yourself, "Am I figuring something out for the first time? Am I solving a problem?" If you find that you're only recycling old material that brings back bad feelings and accomplishes nothing, try directing your attention elsewhere. Some of you may find it helpful to tell yourself, in the gentle, compa.s.sionate voice of a friend, "Stop!

Give me your hand. We're out of here. What else could we focus on that would be more interesting or uplifting?"

* Social support. Social support. Obsessive thinking takes place in the privacy of the mind. It's terribly isolating. To get outside, you might seek the company of caring friends who can provide positive feedback and remind you that you're not as worthless or con-temptible as the offender made you feel. Even if you think you're too self-absorbed to be good company, you should push yourself toward people who help you feel better about the world and about yourself. There's enormous healing power in being listened to, in having your pain held and validated. The offender may not be willing to reach out to you, but others may-others who can honor your truth and goodness by embracing your pain. Obsessive thinking takes place in the privacy of the mind. It's terribly isolating. To get outside, you might seek the company of caring friends who can provide positive feedback and remind you that you're not as worthless or con-temptible as the offender made you feel. Even if you think you're too self-absorbed to be good company, you should push yourself toward people who help you feel better about the world and about yourself. There's enormous healing power in being listened to, in having your pain held and validated. The offender may not be willing to reach out to you, but others may-others who can honor your truth and goodness by embracing your pain.

* Normalizing your response. Normalizing your response. It helps to know that your obsessions may be adaptive-that there's nothing shameful or crazy about your preoccupation with the offense. "What's wrong with me?" It helps to know that your obsessions may be adaptive-that there's nothing shameful or crazy about your preoccupation with the offense. "What's wrong with me?"

you may ask. "Why can't I move on?" You may feel that your mind is under siege, that an enemy has taken up residence in your brain and you have no way to dislodge him. What you need to remind yourself is that obsessive ruminations about a traumatic event are commonplace. Knowing that you shouldn't be doing better may help you to accept yourself, feel more normal, and put the injury to rest-on your own timetable.

* Relaxation, visualization, and meditation. Relaxation, visualization, and meditation. Another way to control your obsessions and achieve stasis (equilibrium) is to slow down your breathing, relax your muscles, and fill your mind with Another way to control your obsessions and achieve stasis (equilibrium) is to slow down your breathing, relax your muscles, and fill your mind with Acceptance Acceptance 65.peaceful thoughts or images. These techniques are described in several excellent books, including The Relaxation Response The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson, by Herbert Benson, Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart by Robin Casarjian, and by Robin Casarjian, and Chi Fitness: A Workout for Body, Mind, Chi Fitness: A Workout for Body, Mind, and Spirit and Spirit by Sue Benton and Drew Denbaum. In by Sue Benton and Drew Denbaum. In Wherever You Wherever You Go There You Are, Go There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches Buddhist exercises that awaken the mind to the present moment and deepen "your capacity to dwell in stillness." 7 Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches Buddhist exercises that awaken the mind to the present moment and deepen "your capacity to dwell in stillness." 7 * Stimulus control. Stimulus control. With this technique, you allow yourself to obsess, but you set limits on where, when, and for how long. During the time allotted, you go at it, full tilt. At the designated moment, however, you pull yourself together and turn your attention elsewhere-but not before asking, "How productive, how satisfying were these ruminations?" You may find that your time would have been better spent focused on the present, not the past. With this technique, you allow yourself to obsess, but you set limits on where, when, and for how long. During the time allotted, you go at it, full tilt. At the designated moment, however, you pull yourself together and turn your attention elsewhere-but not before asking, "How productive, how satisfying were these ruminations?" You may find that your time would have been better spent focused on the present, not the past.

* Self-care Self-care. One way to cut through your obsessions is with a program of self-care. As the saying goes, "Living well is the best revenge." Ask yourself, "How can I make myself feel cared for and whole?" Activities might include getting into therapy, connecting with friends, going back to school, exercising, praying- anything that makes you feel valued, empowered, steady, competent, happy, and proud.