April Fools Part 3

=Smith.= Well, then, shall we say Friday, or Sat.u.r.day at the latest? We _must_ get it over by Sat.u.r.day. It would not do to delay it beyond this week.

=Dunn.= (_aside_) Bless us, what a desperate hurry he is in! In his letter he tells me has not proposed to f.a.n.n.y, yet he wants to marry her this week. (_aloud_) I am not sure that we could make all our arrangements in so short a time, Mr. Smith.

=Smith.= I can easily manage my portion of the arrangements, Mr.

Dunnbrowne, and I think you can manage yours if you make an effort. We will say Sat.u.r.day and settle that point.

=Dunn.= Very well. (_aside_) I don't know what f.a.n.n.y will say to this. I wish she would come in.

=Smith.= Well now, Mr. Dunnbrowne, what church do you intend----

=Dunn.= Oh, I don't mind. Any will suit me.

=Smith.= St. Paul's is a very neat and quiet church.

=Dunn.= Very well. St. Paul's will suit me if it suits you. I suppose the officiating clergyman there understands his business as well as any other.

=Smith.= Oh, certainly. I am partial to St. Paul's because of the good and dry quality of the ground--there is none of that wet clay about it.

=Dunn.= Well that is rather a good point, Mr. Smith. (_aside_) How considerate he is! He thinks the ground will be drier to walk on up to the church door. I should not have given that a thought myself.

(_aloud_) Allow me to fill your gla.s.s, sir. (_re-fills SMITH'S gla.s.s_)

=Smith.= Thank you, sir. (_drinks_) I think you did not say how many carriages would be required, did you, Mr. Dunnbrowne?

=Dunn.= No, I did not. I leave that matter entirely in your hands, Mr.

Smith. I have no doubt that you understand what is required better than I do, so I could not think of interfering with any arrangements you can make.

=Smith.= Thank you, sir, you do me honor. I suppose you would like to have the church bell tolled on the morning of the----

=Dunn.= (_stiffly_) Church bell tolled! Decidedly not, sir. What under the sun should we have the bell tolled for?

=Smith.= It is very common in these cases, Mr. Dunnbrowne.

=Dunn.= (_with determination_) Well _I_ don't want to hear it, and moreover I won't have it tolled.

=Smith.= I am sorry to cause you annoyance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I thought you would like to follow the custom in such cases.

=Dunn.= And tolling a bell at a ceremony of this sort is customary, is it? Well _I_ never heard of it before. (_aside_) My belief is that I have given him more wine than is good for him.

=Smith.= (_surprised_) You surprise me, sir.

=Dunn.= (_carelessly_) As you have named the matter I don't mind having the whole peal of bells ringing together. Engage the ringers for me, will you, Mr. Smith, and tell them to ring as many tripple-bob-majors--or whatever they call them--as they like next Sat.u.r.day.

=Smith.= (_aside_) The wine is getting into his head or he would never think of engaging the ringers to ring for a funeral. (_aloud_) I will engage the ringers if you wish, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but really I----

=Dunn.= Oh, I will pay all expenses, sir.

=Smith.= (_aside_) Argument is useless while he is under the influence of that wine. I had better bring my business to an end, and take my departure. (_aloud_) Will you kindly permit me to see your daughter?

=Dunn.= It would give me exceeding pleasure to do so, Mr. Smith, but she is not in at present.

=Smith.= Not in! (_aside_) Who ever heard of a corpse going out for a walk! The man is hopelessly intoxicated. It is a blessing that I have not been prevailed upon to take more of that wine, or I should have been as bad as he. (_aloud_) If you will allow me to see your daughter now, Mr Dunnbrowne, I shall not have to come here again to take the measurements.

=Dunn.= Take the what?

=Smith.= The measurements.

=Dunn.= The dressmaker will do that, sir.

=Smith.= (_aside_) That wine again. (_aloud_) Dressmakers do not usually take the measurements for a coffin, sir.

=Dunn.= Coffin! What are you talking about, sir? Coffin! (_aside_) The wine has made him more garrulous than I wished. (_aloud_) What should we want a coffin here for, eh?

=Smith.= (_aside_) He is drunk beyond doubt. (_aloud_) To put your daughter in, sir. It is absolutely necessary that you have one.

=Dunn.= (_angrily_) Have you come here to have a joke out of me, Mr.

Smith, or to make arrangements for marrying my daughter?

=Smith.= Neither, Mr. Dunnbrowne. I came to make arrangements for burying her as requested in your note.

=Dunn.= (_mystified_) Burying my daughter! Requested in my note! What does this mean? Explain yourself, Mr. Smith.

=Smith.= (_takes letter from his pocket and hands it to DUNN._) An explanation is needless. There is your letter asking me to come here and make arrangements for your daughter's interment.

=Dunn.= (_examining letter_) I never wrote this. There is a great mistake somewhere. (_returns letter_)

=Smith.= Then is your daughter not dead?

=Dunn.= No; she is enjoying splendid health, I am glad to say. But am I to understand that you are really an undertaker and that your name is Smith?

=Smith.= Certainly! Who and what did you think I was?

=Dunn.= A gentleman who wished to _marry_ my daughter--not _bury_ her.

(_takes letter from his pocket_) See, I received this letter this morning from a Mr. Smith, who wishes to be my son-in-law--(_gives the letter to SMITH, who looks it over_)--and I was under the impression that you were the author of it.

=Smith.= Then your impression was a very wrong one, for I never saw this letter before. (_returns the letter_) I am already married, Mr.

Dunnbrowne, and I may say that I have been a father on four separate occasions. But who can have sent this letter to me?

=Dunn.= And who has sent this letter to me? I cannot understand what----

=James S.= (_without, R._) All right, miss, I know the way in. (_rushes in_) Excuse my abrupt entrance, Mr. Dunnbrowne, but I forgot to take my letter away, and I want to trace the hand-writing if possible.

=Dunn.= (_gives JAMES S. his letter off the table_) There it is, Mr.

Smith. Apparently you are not the only one who is in a quandary about a letter this morning. This gentleman is not a candidate for the office of son-in-law, as I thought. He has come here in consequence of receiving a letter which I know nothing about, though it has my name at the foot. By a most peculiar coincidence, his name, like yours, is Smith.

=James S.= How singular.

=Joseph S.= Yes sir, my name is Smith, general undertaker and funeral furnisher. At my establishment all orders are promptly attended to.

Kindly make a note of it, sir, you may require my services.