Spencer's List Part 6

'Who can remember that word?' asked the teacher, with little hope in her voice.

As the cla.s.s was shepherded away towards the hen house where Spike, the farm's animal expert, would take them through the basics of embryology, Fran started to prise the bits of carrot from the mud.

'That was really superb.'

She spun round, startled, and trod on Barry's foot. 'What?' she asked, irritated. He had taken to standing directly behind her during teaching sessions and she always forgot he was there.

'How you took the reaction of those children and turned it into something they'd never forget. It was superb.'

'Yeah, well, thanks.'

'I mean it.' He looked at her earnestly.

'OK. Well, thanks.'

'I learn so much just by watching you.'

He seemed to be standing closer to her than was strictly necessary.

'Like using the word "poo" a lot with the under tens?' she asked facetiously, trying to break the atmosphere.

'Your whole rapport with them. It's wonderful to watch.'

'Good. Well, that's... good.' Hoping the conversation was at an end, she bent to retrieve another piece of carrot; Barry dived simultaneously and they avoided cracking heads by a millimetre. He shot up again, knocking her with his shoulder and causing her to stagger a couple of feet and drop all the bits she'd already picked up.

'b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, Barry!'

'Sorry sorry. Let me do it.' He fell to his knees and scrabbled in the mire at her feet and she s.h.i.+fted awkwardly, feeling like Marie Antoinette with a serf.

'Here.' Still kneeling, he proffered a muddy handful and then scrambled up, looking anxious, poised for the next task. Fran wondered how to get rid of him. 'Tell you what, I'm going to give these to Porky. Can you carry on with seed-head collection in the meadow?'

He practically jumped in his eagerness to obey.

Up at the pigpen, now reinforced with stakes sunk deep into the ground and steel-mesh fencing, she took a little rest and scratched Porky's scaly back as he snuffled at the trough. She bore him no ill-will for the destruction he'd caused: he was a pig and had done what pigs do; their motivation was always so blissfully transparent. Porky rechecked the corners of the trough for unnoticed shreds of carrot, sniffed hopefully in Fran's direction and then with a curiously slow-motion action, toppled sideways into a puddle and lay there flapping his ears.

This was the first clear morning after days of constant rain, and the normal jobs of the farm had been sidelined by the necessity of holding back the mud. The area was naturally boggy and only the constant application of chopped bark, builders' rubble (broken down with sledgehammers), shredded hay and home-made duckboards kept the paths from reverting to their primeval state. The staff, of course, wore wellies; their visitors, on the other hand, wore their most treasured possessions, and it had been known for a child to refuse to get out of the school coach because of the danger of dirtying his trainers.

From her vantage point by the sty, Fran could see her colleagues labouring in the swamp: Barry, in a bright red jumper, crouched in the sodden gra.s.s with a supply of plastic bags and a pair of scissors; Claud, bald head s.h.i.+ning in the sun, wheeling a barrow full of rubble past the cla.s.sroom; Spike, by the chicken coop, inverting an indignant hen for the edification of the junior school cla.s.s; Mick scooping dead leaves out of the pond with a fis.h.i.+ng net, watched by a group of restless fourteen-year-olds; and Costas, a volunteer in his sixties, laying duckboards with rigorous perfection, as if tiling a patio.

Costas's council flat overlooked the farm, with the result that he viewed it as his own back garden and spent a great deal of time making sure it looked nice for the neighbours. He also owned an allotment, on which he grew vast vegetables with the aid of as many chemicals as were legally available. Sometimes Fran would turn round from forking-in her carefully sieved compost to find Costas watching her with a mystified expression. 'How you expect your potatoes get big like this?' he'd asked contemptuously last week, gesturing at her with a King Edward the size of a rugby ball.

Claud completed the last few yards up to the sty at a run, dropped the barrow with a thud and leaned over, hands on knees, to catch his breath.

'Where d'you want this unloaded?' asked Fran. He waved his arm at the patch of ground beside the tool shed. It was rampant with ragwort during the summer and much enjoyed by the hens, although Fran had caught Costas lurking there a couple of times, obviously dreaming of Weedol. She started to throw the lumps of rubble into a heap.

'I'm glad I caught you,' said Claud, when he'd got his breath back and had helped her sling the last few pieces onto the pile.

'Oh yes,' she said, cautiously. The last time Claud had used that phrase, she'd ended up agreeing to be press liaison officer, resulting in an article in the local paper ent.i.tled 'Farmer Fran' and ill.u.s.trated by a photo of her bending over to pick up a shovel, making her a.r.s.e look the size of Porky's.

'Just wanted to say that you've done a fantastic job with Barry, I mean he's... he's ' they both turned automatically to look at the distant figure, bent humbly to his task ' he's now a fully contributing member of the team. It's really a very impressive achievement.' He nodded affably at her and wiped the sweat off his forehead with a grubby hand, leaving a long smear where he'd once had a hairline. Fran felt a bit awkward.

'I didn't actually do anything, Claud.'

'No, no, I think it's terribly important in these sort of cases to give credit where it's due. After all, I mean, directly following the... the...' he fumbled for a non-inflammatory phrase, 'incident, I have to admit that I thought we might have to have a... a...' his lips hesitated over the letter p (punch up? wondered Fran, prayer meeting?), 'plenary session.'

'Oh right.' Well, thank G.o.d they'd avoided that option. She'd attended one last year, purportedly to discuss local residents' complaints about noise pollution specifically a very loud c.o.c.kerel but with Claud's boneless arm at the tiller they'd drifted right off the subject and spent nearly an hour deciding what to call the twin lambs they'd just acquired.

'But we've all seen how much time you've been... er... putting in with Barry.'

'Seriously all I did was shout at him. And then I took him a cup of tea. You saw, you were there.'

'But since then it's pretty obvious that you've more than made up for '

'Since then I haven't done anything. He follows me round. I can't shake him off.'

Claud smiled knowingly and gave her a stagy little thumbs-up. 'Good work anyway. In this sort of situation, I think it's always important to '

She gave up the struggle. 'Thanks.'

Claud smiled rather sweetly and trundled his barrow away for the next load, skirting the pen where Delboy and Rodney stood bleating incessantly, impatient for their lunch.

On the day of the pig escape, Barry had apologized to her so many times that she'd eventually told him to shut up and forget about it. She thought she could date his transformation into a human dynamo from that second. He arrived at the farm before Fran, ate his lunchtime sandwich on the move, and was still at work when she left at 5.30, usually somewhere in her own domain where he seemed to regard every gap in the vegetation as a knife to the heart. She had once come across him pathetically staking individual stalks of barley with tiny bamboo canes. 'It might work,' he'd said, looking at her with the kind of expression that Bullseye reserved for Bill Sykes.

At the morning meetings, he not only listened but actually wrote down the day's tasks in a specially bought spiral-bound notebook. He washed up mugs, he volunteered to buy biscuits and he'd spent the whole of a weekend drawing a poster for the autumn open day (it showed Hagwood as a sort of Noah's Ark in a sea of concrete, the a.s.sembled animals welcoming the visitors with outstretched trotters and wings). It was neatly done and much, much better than Claud's prototype design: a piece of paper with the words 'Please come to day of community fun and action at Hagwood Farm' written on it in black felt tip.

There remained a significant gap between Barry's enthusiasm and his competence; what he most resembled was one of the brooms in The Sorcerer's Apprentice, lacking in any marked skill or initiative, but able to apply himself endlessly to a single task until redirected. 'You can stop doing that now, Barry' was a phrase never far from her lips these days.

Porky heaved himself up and nudged her in the back with his snout, grunting enquiringly. She showed him her empty hands before dusting the dried mud from them and starting back down the hill. As she neared the meadow, she could see that Barry had inadvertently dropped three of the plastic bags; one of them had already blown into the pond and the other two had been caught by a breeze and were cartwheeling across the gra.s.s like giant dandelion puffs. She called to him and gestured, and watched with a mixture of irritation and amus.e.m.e.nt as he lolloped after them.

'Maybe I can take some credit,' she said to Peter that evening. 'Shouting at him was obviously the nudge he needed.'

Peter, a screw between his teeth, held out a hand and she snapped a red plastic rawlplug off a chain of twenty and placed it in his palm. He was replacing a bathroom shelf one of the original fittings, much lauded in the estate agent's description which had collapsed under the weight of a new bottle of shampoo, hosing the linoleum with toiletries and taking a picture down with it.

'What do you think?'

He tapped in the rawlplug carefully, and removed the screw from his mouth.

'I'm not sure shouting is ever worth it.'

'Aren't you? We're not supposed to, obviously; it's not a recognized teaching practice these days, but I can't help feeling it did him good. Gave him a metaphorical kick up the a.r.s.e.' Her brother was silent. 'The only trouble is, I think he's imprinted me you know, when orphaned baby ducks think the farmer's their mother and follow him round the entire time.' She sat on the edge of the bath as Peter screwed the brackets onto the shelf, carrying out the procedure with his usual slow thoroughness. If the profession of Health and Safety Officer hadn't existed he would have had to invent it, the job fitted him like an insulated glove with special grips on the palm. He looked up at her only when he'd put away the spare screws, and counted those remaining to check that he hadn't left any rolling dangerously around the bathroom floor.

'Have you tried asking him?'

'Asking him what? Whether he thinks I'm his mother?'

'Whether he thinks it did him good for you to shout at him.'

'Oh.' Fran paused. 'No,' she said, reluctantly.

'Perhaps it would be a good idea if you did.' There was an edge of reproof in his voice.

'All right, all right. G.o.d, you're such a head boy sometimes.' He looked slightly hurt, and she added, 'Only joking,' although she wasn't. The serious figure who without raising his voice had single-handedly eliminated smoking in the bogs during his reign at Rose Everett Comprehensive, had changed only minimally. The gravitas, the deeply felt but plonkingly expressed morality which had set him apart from his contemporaries, were still present. His advice on a given subject was never given lightly, but considered, weighed and carefully prescribed. If followed correctly, the outcome was usually good. There was just something about the way it was proffered that made it terribly hard to take.

'Yeah, well I might give it a try,' said Fran, after a while. She wasn't sure that she really wanted to know what Barry thought.

'I've got something to tell you,' said Peter as he replaced the tools in the box he'd received from their stepfather last Christmas.

'What?'

He hesitated a moment, apparently trying to work out whether the twelve-inch Philips screwdriver went in to the left or the right upper storage tray and eventually fitting it in with the precision of a watchmaker. His face was so heavy in thought that Fran wondered if something serious had happened. It was a fear of hers that she'd scoff once too often at his hypochondria, and end up apologizing to him in intensive care.

'What?' she asked again.

'I've met someone.'

For a moment, she didn't catch his meaning and then he smiled a little shyly, looking suddenly five years younger.

'What, a girlfriend?'

'Well, we've just started seeing each other,' he said with his usual caution.

Fran laughed in exasperation. 'I thought you had bad news. I was just about to make you some hot sweet tea.'

'That's no longer the recommended treatment for shock.'

'I know.' They grinned at each other for what felt like the first time in ages.

'So, tell me about her,' she prodded. 'What's her name?'

'Sylvie.'

'And what's she do?'

'She's a music therapist.'

'And where did you meet her?'

'At choir. She's our new accompanist.' Peter had a thin but tuneful baritone and claimed that regular singing helped free up his sinuses.

'How long have you been seeing her?'

'Just a few weeks.'

'And what's she like?' Fran was accustomed to this crumb-by-crumb method of extracting personal information from her brother, but now he paused for so long that she started to wonder if he'd misheard the question. She was about to repeat it when he opened his mouth.

'She's...' he began, and then stopped. A beatific expression settled across his features, like a tarpaulin over a swimming pool.

'You're smitten!' said Fran, with delight.

Looking absurdly pleased with himself, he finished packing the tools and snapped the box shut. 'Would you like to meet her?'

'Of course I would.'

'Are you around on Tuesday evening? We could come back here after practice.'

'Great. I'll cook if you want.'

'Thanks.' He looked suddenly worried. 'She can't eat cheese. Or wheat products.'

'No problem.'

'Or chocolate. She gets migraines.'

'Right. What about fish?'

He hesitated. 'I think she likes fish.'

'Well why don't you phone her and check?'

'OK. Thanks, Fran.' He hefted the toolbox cautiously, with straight back and bent knees as specified by the Practices at Work poster he had recently put up in the hall. Fran started replacing the bottles on the shelf.

'Do you want all these?' she called as he clumped downstairs. 'You've got three different sorts of dandruff shampoo.'

'Maybe I've got three different sorts of dandruff.'

She grinned; on Peter's scale of emotions, that remark was the equivalent of turning cartwheels.

6.

Apart from the regular rasp of his breath, the young man on the examination couch had made no noise since the ambulance men had plucked him off the street. A scarlet stain matted the hair above his left ear and extended in a tacky film across his cheek and temple, and he lay in the recovery position, eyes closed, head on one side, his right arm curled and his left arm dangling over the side of the couch. Spencer gave it little push and it swung back and forth.

'I know you're awake,' said Spencer.

There was no change in the rhythm of the breathing. Marsha, the night sister who had started to clean up the head wound, folded her arms and tutted loudly. She had dropped the soiled dressing into a pot of antiseptic, turning the pale pink liquid a violent crimson. 'Waste of everyone's time,' she said to no one in particular.

'It's surprisingly easy to tell when someone's pretending to be unconscious,' continued Spencer, conversationally. 'For instance, the muscle tone in your eyelids is completely normal. Also, once you get under a good artificial light it becomes obvious that red gloss paint looks absolutely nothing like blood. It's a lot more difficult to remove, for a start.'

'A lot more difficult,' repeated Marsha. 'The doctor's coat is completely ruined, I hope you realize that. Also the sheet. Also, I was on my break till they brought you in and now my toasted sandwich will have got all cold.' She turned to Spencer. 'Do you want a psych consult? Dr Jayaram's already here with the aspirin OD.'

'Might as well.'