Darkly Dreaming Dexter Part 3

And as I thought about thatno blood at all - So did I. I really wanted to find him, too.

CHAPTER 4

ITOOK MY BOAT OUT THAT NIGHT AFTER WORK, TOget away from Deb's questions and to sort through what I was feeling.Feeling . Me, feeling. What a concept.

I nosed my Whaler slowly out the ca.n.a.l, thinking nothing, a perfect Zen state, moving at idle speed past the large houses, all separated from each other by high hedges and chain-link fences. I threw an automatic big wave and bright smile to all the neighbors out in their yards that grew neatly up to the ca.n.a.l's seawall. Kids playing on the manicured gra.s.s. Mom and Dad barbecuing, or lounging, or polis.h.i.+ng the barbed wire, hawkeyes on the kids. I waved to everybody. Some of them even waved back. They knew me, had seen me go by before, always cheerful, a big h.e.l.lo for everybody.He was such a nice man. Very friendly. I can't believe he did those horrible things ...

I opened up the throttle when I cleared the ca.n.a.l, heading out the channel and then southeast, towardCapeFlorida . The wind in my face and the taste of the salt spray helped clear my head, made me feel clean and a little fresher. I found it a great deal easier to think. Part of it was the calm and peace of the water. And another part was that in the best tradition ofMiami watercraft, most of the other boaters seemed to be trying to kill me. I found that very relaxing. I was right at home. This is my country; these are my people.

All day long at work I'd gotten little forensic updates. Around lunchtime the story broke national. The lid was coming off the hooker murders after the grisly discovery at the Cacique Motel. Channel 7 had done a masterful job of presenting all the hysterical horror of body parts in a Dumpster without actually saying anything about them. As Detective LaGuerta had shrewdly observed, these were only hookers; but once public pressure started to rise from the media, they might as well be senator's daughters. And so the department began to gear up for a long spell of defensive maneuvering, knowing exactly what kind of heartrending twaddle would be coming from the brave and fearless foot soldiers of the fifth estate.

Deb had stayed at the scene until the captain began to worry about authorizing too much overtime, and then she'd been sent home. She started calling me at two in the afternoon to hear what I'd discovered, which was very little. They'd found no traces of anything at the motel. There were so many tire tracks in the parking lot that none were distinct. No prints or traces in the Dumpster, on the bags, or on the body parts. Everything USDA inspection clean.

The one big clue of the day was the left leg. As Angel had noticed, the right leg had been sectioned into several neat pieces, cut at the hip, knee, and ankle. But the left leg was not. It was a mere two sections, neatly wrapped. Aha, said Detective LaGuerta, lady genius. Somebody had interrupted the killer, surprised him, startled him so he did not finish the cut. He panicked when he was seen. And she directed all her effort at finding that witness.

There was one small problem with LaGuerta's theory of interruption. A tiny little thing, perhaps splitting hairs, but-the entire body had still been meticulously cleaned and wrapped, presumably after it had been cut up. And then it had been transported carefully to the Dumpster, apparently with enough time and focus for the killer to make no mistakes and leave no traces. Either n.o.body pointed this out to LaGuerta or-wonder of wonders!-could it be that n.o.body else had noticed? Possible; so much of police work is routine, fitting details into patterns. And if the pattern was brand new, the investigation could seem like three blind men examining an elephant with a microscope.

But since I was neither blind nor hampered by routine, it had seemed far more likely to me that the killer was simply unsatisfied. Plenty of time to work, but-this was the fifth murder in the same pattern. Was it getting boring, simply chopping up the body? Was Our Boy searching for something else, something different? Some new direction, an untried twist?

I could almost feel his frustration. To have come so far, all the way to the end, sectioning the leftovers for gift wrapping. And then the sudden realization:This isn't it. Something is just not right . Coitus interruptus.

It wasn't fulfilling him this way anymore. He needed a different approach. He was trying to express something, and hadn't found his vocabulary yet. And in my personal opinion-I mean, if it wasme -this would make him very frustrated. And very likely to look further for the answer.

Soon.

But let LaGuerta look for a witness. There would be none. This was a cold, careful monster, and absolutely fascinating to me. And what should I do about that fascination? I was not sure, so I had retreated to my boat to think.

A Donzi cut across my bow at seventy miles per hour, only inches away. I waved happily and returned to the present. I was approaching Stiltsville, the mostly abandoned collection of old stilt homes in the water nearCapeFlorida . I nosed into a big circle, going nowhere, and let my thoughts move back into that same slow arc.

What would I do? I needed to decide now, before I got too helpful for Deborah. I could help her solve this, absolutely, no one better. n.o.body else was even moving in the right direction. But did I want to help? Did I want this killer arrested? Or did I want to find him and stop him myself? Beyond this-oh, nagging little thought-did I even want him to stop?

What would I do?

To my right I could just see Elliott Key in the last light of the day. And as always, I remembered my camping trip there with Harry Morgan. My foster father. The Good Cop.

You're different, Dexter.

Yes, Harry, I certainly am.

But you can learn to control that difference and use it constructively.

All right, Harry. If you think I should. How?

And he told me.

There is no starry sky anywhere like the starry sky inSouth Florida when you are fourteen and camping out with Dad. Even if he's only your foster dad. And even if the sight of all those stars merely fills you with a kind of satisfaction, emotion being out of the question. You don't feel it. That's part of the reason you're here.

The fire has died down and the stars are exceedingly bright and foster dear old dad has been quiet for some time, taking small sips on the old-fas.h.i.+oned hip flask he has pulled from the outside flap of his pack. And he's not very good at this, not like so many other cops, not really a drinker. But it's empty now, and it's time for him to say his piece if he's ever going to say it.

You're different, Dexter, he says.

I look away from the brightness of the stars. Around the small and sandy clearing the last glow of the fire is making shadows. Some of them trickle across Harry's face. He looks strange to me, like I've never seen him before. Determined, unhappy, a little dazed. What do you mean, Dad?

He won't look at me. The Billups say Buddy has disappeared, he says.

Noisy little creep. He was barking all night. Mom couldn't sleep.

Mom needed her sleep, of course. Dying of cancer requires plenty of rest, and she wasn't getting it with that awful little dog across the street yapping at every leaf that blew down the sidewalk.

I found the grave, Harry says. There were a lot of bones in there, Dexter. Not just Buddy's.

There's very little to say here. I carefully pull at a handful of pine needles and wait for Harry.

How long have you been doing this?

I search Harry's face, then look out across the clearing to the beach. Our boat is there, moving gently with the surge of the water. The lights ofMiami are off to the right, a soft white glow. I can't figure out where Harry is going, what he wants to hear. But he is my straight-arrow foster dad; the truth is usually a good idea with Harry. He always knows, or he finds out.

A year and a half, I say.

Harry nods. Why did you start?

A very good question, and certainly beyond me at fourteen. It just-I kind of ... had to, I tell him. Even then, so young but so smooth.

Do you hear a voice? he wants to know. Something or somebody telling you what to do, and you had to do it?

Uh, I say with fourteen-year-old eloquence, not exactly.

Tell me, Harry says.

Oh for a moon, a good fat moon, something bigger to look at. I clutch another fistful of pine needles. My face is hot, as if Dad has asked me to talk about s.e.x dreams. Which, in a way- It, uh ... I kind of, you know,feel something, I say. Inside. Watching me. Maybe, um. Laughing? But not really a voice, just- An eloquent teenaged shrug. But it seems to make sense to Harry.

And thissomething . It makes you kill things.

High overhead a slow fat jet crawls by. Not, um, doesn'tmake me, I say. Just-makes it seem like a good idea?

Have you ever wanted to kill something else? Something bigger than a dog?

I try to answer but there is something in my throat. I clear it. Yes, I say.

A person?

n.o.body in particular, Dad. Just- I shrug again.

Why didn't you?

It's-I thought you wouldn't like it. You and Mom.

That's all that stopped you?

I, uh-I didn't want you, um, mad at me. Uh ... you know. Disappointed.

I steal a glance at Harry. He is looking at me, not blinking. Is that why we took this trip, Dad? To talk about this?

Yes, Harry says. We need to get you squared away.

Squared away, oh yes, a completely Harry idea of how life is lived, with hospital corners and polished shoes. And even then I knew; needing to kill something every now and then would pretty much sooner or later get in the way of being squared away.

How? I say, and he looks at me long and hard, and then he nods when he sees that I am with him step for step.

Good boy, he says. Now. And in spite of saying now, it is a very long time before he speaks again. I watch the lights on a boat as it goes past, maybe two hundred yards out from our little beach. Over the sound of their motor a radio is blasting Cuban music. Now, Harry says again, and I look at him. But he is looking away, across the dying fire, off into the future over there somewhere. It's like this, he says. I listen carefully. This is what Harry says when he is giving you a higher-order truth. When he showed me how to throw a curve ball, and how to throw a left hook.It's like this , he would say, and it always was, just like that.

I'm getting old, Dexter. He waited for me to object, but I didn't, and he nodded. I think people understand things different when they get older, he says. It's not a question of getting soft, or seeing things in the gray areas instead of black and white. I really believe I'm just understanding things different. Better. He looks at me, Harry's look, Tough Love with blue eyes.

Okay, I say.

Ten years ago I would have wanted you in an inst.i.tution somewhere, he says, and I blink. That almost hurts, except I've thought of it myself. Now, he says, I think I know better. I know what you are, and I know you're a good kid.

No, I say, and it comes out very soft and weak, but Harry hears.

Yes, he says firmly. You're a good kid, Dex, I know that. Iknow it, almost to himself now, for effect maybe, and then his eyes lock onto mine. Otherwise, you wouldn't care what I thought, or what Mom thought. You'd just do it. You can't help it, I know that. Because- He stops and just looks at me for a moment. It's very uncomfortable for me. What do you remember from before? he asked. You know. Before we took you in.

That still hurts, but I really don't know why. I was only three. Nothing.

Good, he says. n.o.body should remember that. And as long as he lives that will be the most he ever says about it. But even though you don't remember, Dex, it did things to you. Those things make you what you are. I've talked to some people about this. And strangest of strange, he gives me a very small, almost shy, Harry smile. I've been expecting this. What happened to you when you were a little kid has shaped you. I've tried to straighten that out, but- He shrugs. It was too strong, too much. It got into you too early and it's going to stay there. It's going to make you want to kill. And you can't help that. You can't change that. But, he says, and he looks away again, to see what I can't tell. But you can channel it. Control it. Choose- his words come so carefully now, more careful than I've ever heard him talk -choose what ... orwho ... you kill ... And he gave me a smile unlike any I had ever seen before, a smile as bleak and dry as the ashes of our dying fire. There are plenty of people who deserve it, Dex ...

And with those few little words he gave a shape to my whole life, my everything, my who and what I am. The wonderful, all-seeing, all-knowing man. Harry. My dad.

If only I was capable of love, how I would have loved Harry.

So long ago now. Harry long dead. But his lessons had lived on. Not because of any warm and gooey emotional feelings I had. Because Harry was right. I'd proved that over and over. Harry knew, and Harry taught me well.

Be careful, Harry said. And he taught me to be careful as only a cop could teach a killer.

To choose carefully among those who deserved it. To make absolutely sure. Then tidy up. Leave no traces. And always avoid emotional involvement; it can lead to mistakes.

Being careful went beyond the actual killing, of course. Being careful meant building a careful life, too. Compartmentalize. Socialize. Imitate life.

All of which I had done, so very carefully. I was a near perfect hologram. Above suspicion, beyond reproach, and beneath contempt. A neat and polite monster, the boy next door. Even Deborah was at least half fooled, half the time. Of course, she believed what she wanted to believe, too.

Right now she believed I could help her solve these murders, jump-start her career and catapult her out of herHollywood s.e.x suit and into a tailored business suit. And she was right, of course. I could help her. But I didn't really want to, because I enjoyed watching this other killer work and felt some kind of aesthetic connection, or- Emotional involvement.

Well. There it was. I was in clear violation of the Code of Harry.

I nosed the boat back toward my ca.n.a.l. It was full dark now, but I steered by a radio tower a few degrees to the left of my home water.

So be it. Harry had always been right, he was right now.Don't get emotionally involved , Harry had said. So I wouldn't.

I would help Deb.

CHAPTER 5

THE NEXT MORNING IT WAS RAINING AND THEtraffic was crazy, like it always is inMiami when it rains. Some drivers slowed down on the slick roads. That made others furious, and they leaned on their horns, screamed out their windows, and accelerated out onto the shoulder, fishtailing wildly past the slowpokes and waving their fists.

At the LeJeune on-ramp, a huge dairy truck had roared onto the shoulder and hit a van full of kids from a Catholic school. The dairy truck flipped over. And now five young girls in plaid wool skirts were sitting in a huge puddle of milk with dazed looks on their faces. Traffic nearly stopped for an hour. One kid was airlifted toJacksonHospital . The others sat in the milk in their uniforms and watched the grown-ups scream at each other.

I inched along placidly, listening to the radio. Apparently the police were hot on the trail of the Tamiami Butcher. There were no specifics available, but Captain Matthews got a lovely sound bite. He made it seem like he would personally make the arrest as soon as he finished his coffee.

I finally got off onto surface roads and went only a little faster. I stopped at a doughnut shop not too far from the airport. I bought an apple fritter and a cruller, but the apple fritter was gone almost before I got back into the car. I have a very high metabolism. It comes with living the good life.

The rain had stopped by the time I got to work. The sun shone and steam rose from the pavement as I walked into the lobby, flashed my credentials, and went upstairs.

Deb was already waiting for me.

She did not look happy this morning. Of course, she does not look happy very often any more. She's a cop, after all, and most of them can't manage the trick at all. Too much time on duty trying not to look human. It leaves their faces stuck.

Deb, I said. I put the crisp white pastry bag on my desk.

Where were you last night? she said. Very sour, as I'd expected. Soon those frown lines would turn permanent, ruining a wonderful face: deep blue eyes, alive with intelligence, and small upturned nose with just a dash of freckles, framed by black hair. Beautiful features, at the moment spattered with about seven pounds of cheap makeup.

I looked at her with fondness. She was clearly coming from work, dressed today in a lacy bra, bright pink spandex shorts, and gold high heels. Never mind me, I said. Where wereyou ?

She flushed. She hated to wear anything but clean, pressed blues. I tried to call you, she said.

Sorry, I said.