Koushounin Wa Damaranai Volume 3 Chapter 7

t.i.tle: Koushounin series 03 Koushounin wa Furikaeru [交渉人は振り返る]
Chapter: 7
Page: 200 – 239
Author: Eda Yuuri [榎田 尤利]
Ill.u.s.trator: Nara Chiharu [奈良 千春]
Publisher: Taiyō Tos...o...b..> Year of Release: 2009

Disclaimer:

Eda Yuuri is the original author of this work, and this is a fan translation. Feel free to re-post this elsewhere if you like but please credit this site. I did buy the original copy of this book, along with the rest of the series, so it'll be great if you can support her by buying her books.

By the way, this work contains BL, or h.o.m.o-eroticism. This chapter also contains a copulation scene.

I still wince in mortified embarra.s.sment when typing out the cheesier parts of the s.e.x in this chapter, but I like to think I am getting better at them since Chapter 3, after taking a break (in exasperation) halfway through and reading everything Sadie Sins and C.S. Pacat wrote before revisiting the last few pages of this chapter with renewed vigour… but you be the judge.

P.S. I still hate translating s.e.x though, for various reasons.

Note:

As I have no formal training in translation theory nor am I an expert in j.a.panese (or English, for the matter), I cannot guarantee the quality of this translation work, but I promise I did my best.

I have been a big fan of the Koushounin series by Eda Yuuri ever since I got my hands on the BLCDs for the first and second instalments of the series, and have been waiting patiently for the BLCDs for the third instalment onward… to no avail. It has been 8 years since the sensei published Koushounin wa Furikaeru, and I am beginning to accept that there might be no BLCD after all.

Nevertheless, the fujos.h.i.+ doesn't give up. The following is my attempt at the English translation of the rest of the series.

Chapter 7

For a while, I dozed off.

No, perhaps I had lost consciousness. I wasn't sure. When I opened my eyes, I found that I was frightfully thirsty. A crust of dried blood, probably from my nose, had formed on my lips. I was also sitting on top of broken gla.s.s, and was bleeding from various places.

Somehow I felt like I had been dreaming as I slept, just now… I seemed to remember someone with the same face as mine admonis.h.i.+ng me, accusing me of this and that.

Or was I still dreaming? My thoughts were hazy, and my vision foggy. I started to become aware of a rattling sound from somewhere nearby. Maybe they were footsteps, but again I wasn't sure. The ringing in my ears was too loud for me to hear anything clearly. My sense of smell, however, was oddly sharp. I could smell the coppery scent of blood, and the sourness of the bile and water I threw up.

I wondered what time it was.

Wasn't I waiting for someone?

Didn't I trust that someone would come back, and was waiting here for him?

I tried to remember, but I couldn't. The ringing in my ears wouldn't stop, too. The sound of rain was roaring in my ears, and I thought that it might be the sound of blood flowing through my veins. In other words, when the sound of rain stopped, I would probably be dead. Me? Dead? Wouldn't that be awfully weird? Why must I die, in a place like this?

This is what they call, retribution.

It was that voice again.

That man appeared once again, the man wearing the same face as I did, but now he was wearing an expensive looking suit.

You are murderer. That is why you too, must die.

"I… I am… not a murderer!"

You killed him, did you not?

You killed him. You drove him to his death. Don't you still have that letter he wrote you? You couldn't bring yourself to throw it away, could you?

—senpai!

I jolted and spun about wildly. Wasn't that Hyoudou's voice I heard just now? But Hyoudou was nowhere to be seen. Only my alter ego was there, grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me.

You murderer.

"Argh… no, stop it…!"

—senpai, please get a hold on yourself! f.u.c.k, what did that b.a.s.t.a.r.d do to you?

You should die, too.

"No…. no. Let go of me!"

—Akira? Akira, what's wrong. It's me, it's okay!

As if it'll be okay. The dead won't come back to life, you know.

"I didn't… I didn't think that you would die!"

Course I would. Humans are surprisingly fragile creatures, you know. Did your father and mother die and leave you behind, too?

—he's been drugged. Hakuta-san, which drug was Asahina taking?

—a new type of synthetic drug. I heard that it has effects similar to ecstasy but more powerful, and the user would usually experience hallucinations during the downer.

—the bleeding is terrible. We should probably bring him to a hospital.

—wait. If we take him to a hospital when he is still intoxicated, it'll lead to trouble for him later on. Hakuta-san, get Renjou here for me. Ask him bring his toolbox here, too. We'll need to cut those shackles off.

—who's Renjou?

—the doctor we usually use. Senpai? Can you hear me? Can you hear what I am saying?

I don't want this.

Don't hit me, please don't.

I'm sorry, this is all my fault. I have killed him. I killed him with my disbelief. If I had believed what he said back then, he might still be alive today.

Do it. Confess to all the wrongs that you have done.

—senpai!

"I… killed…"

—senpai, look at me!

"Killed him… I killed him… because I was weak… hopelessly weak… and I didn't believe him when he said…"

—Akira! That's different, that wasn't your fault!

"I killed…"

And a scent wafted into my nostrils.

Through the terrible stink was a whiff of the sweet combination of musk and bergamot, a scent I loved, a scent I knew well… it was a scent that brought me repose whenever I was enveloped in it.

Tell him, that you are a murderer, too.

Those words ripped through that brief moment of peace. In my horror I threw myself backwards, away from his embrace, hitting my head hard on something behind me. Was it the wall, or the door that I hit my head on? I don't know… my head reeled from the impact, but it cleared my vision.

"Senpai!"

It was Hyoudou's voice.

Hyoudou was there, in front of me, and the man beside him who called me Akira in a distraught voice was s.h.i.+meno.

I could now meet their eyes, and I also tried to say something to them, but my voice no longer worked. Hyoudou lifted me up, and Hakuta spread the bedding he had grabbed from the bedroom on the bathroom floor under me, which was covered in gla.s.s fragments. I was gently lowered onto the bedding and wrapped in a blanket with my limbs sticking out. My arms and legs were covered in blood, and gla.s.s fragments stuck out of my skin in various places. s.h.i.+meno leaned in for a closer look, and said in a relieved sounding voice: "The cuts don't look that deep."

"Hyou… dou…"

"The doctor will be coming very soon. When did you ingest the drug?"

"Evening…"

Hyoudou turned to look at Hakuta.

"It depends on the dosage, but the drug should wear off soon… you did well, holding out on your own," said Hakuta, half to himself.

My vision was still a tad blurry, but I knew the effects of the drug was ebbing; that apparition that looked just like me could no longer be seen, and my skin p.r.i.c.kled with pain.

"What time… is it?" I asked. Hyoudou was holding me up, and s.h.i.+meno was picking the fragments of gla.s.s out of my feet.

"Almost five o'clock, in the morning."

"Asahina… will be back at six."

"Asahina?" Hyoudou said uncertainly, while taking a wet towel from Hakuta, which he used to wipe my face. Red stains appeared in the towel as he wiped, and for the first time I realised how dreadful I must have looked.

"He said that he would trust me… if I fell to where he had fallen."

"And that was why you decided to do drugs, too? I never knew you that you were that big an imbecile."

No, I didn't swallow it of my own accord… but I did not have the energy to explain. I have to tell them that I intended to stay and wait for Asahina.

"He… said that if I was here at six in the morning, he'll turn himself in."

"He said that?"

I nodded, but was overcome by a coughing fit, and Hyoudou patted my back. My voice was hoa.r.s.e, and my throat hurt… Have I been talking non-stop, the entire of last night?

"Akira, I don't think Asahina will come back. We need to get you out of here as soon as—"

"He'll come… he'll definitely come, because he promised…"

You hypocrite. A voice whispered into my ear, and I flinched visibly, before curling up a little smaller. "What's wrong?" Hyoudou asked as he wrapped his arms around me again, but I only shook my head vigorously in response. It was only a pa.s.sing illusion. I had been hallucinating all these while, due to the illusory effects of the drug.

However, I was also aware that those hallucinations came from deep within my own psyche, demons I usually kept hidden, tightly locked in a Pandora's Box. And if something were to pry it open just a crack… those black thoughts will manifest themselves.

"I will wait, for him." I said, looking straight into Hyoudou's eyes. The contents of my Pandora's Box rattled in derisive mirth, and each gale of scornful laughter pierced my heart like a knife.

Despite this, I had to stay and wait for Asahina. He made a promise to trust me, if I rode the high of the drug and stayed here till morning.

"Akira, don't be foolish. You're running a fever."

"Alright. We'll wait another hour."

"Oi." s.h.i.+meno shot Hyoudou a dirty look. "What are you thinking? After the doctor is done with emergency first-aid treatment, we should get him out of here as soon as—"

"If we do that, it'll never end."

"What?"

From behind Hyoudou's gla.s.ses a pair of keen eyes flashed.

"Inside senpai, this matter has not yet been put to rest. As long as it is you and not him who made that decision to leave this room before six, he would always regret not being able to see this till the very end."

"But, Asahina…!"

Won't come. There is no way he would come back.

That was probably what s.h.i.+meno had left unsaid, and Hyoudou probably thought the same. It should have been painfully obvious that Asahina had intended to confine me in a room before making his escape.

I knew all of these, but still I persisted: "Please let me wait for him."

Only I believed there was a chance he might come back. I wanted to believe that he would, even if I was nothing more than a hypocrite willing himself to believe in someone that he did not. After all, I knew no other way—to become a little to closer to another person.

–

I was admitted to a hospital with a high fever, in a bad shape.

The doctor was fully aware that I had taken an illegal drug, but contravened the Medical Act by not putting it in his report, and with Hyoudou's influence I was able to get a private room at the hospital. This was probably all in a day's work for someone like Hyoudou.

Three days pa.s.sed before my fever abated.

There were cuts all over my arms and legs, but fortunately no major artery or nerve had been severed. On the other hand, there were no cuts on the bottom of my feet thus I could still walk, but, well… everything still hurt, and I was prescribed painkillers. There was a cut across my forehead which wasn't very deep, so someone had put a Band-Aid on it.

"I was really worried, you know." Sayuri-san came to see me in the hospital, and it was a while before she would stop lecturing me about my foolhardiness. With a wry smile I apologised, over and over, as I bit into the apple she peeled for me. I wonder how many years it had been since someone cut an apple in a shape of a rabbit for me.

We kept the part about my getting drugged from Sayuri-san, though. The only people who knew that I spent a night under the influence of a drug was Hyoudou, s.h.i.+meno, Kiyo, and the doctor.

Kiyo came to visit, too. He was silent, as he usually was, but seemed a little miserable seeing me wrapped in bandages and with a Band-Aid across my forehead. Both Kiyo and Sayuri-san had rescued me many times from dangerous situations, and both have seen me when I looked my worst… that is why I think of them as my family.

"Mebuki-san, you were abducted? How pathetic." That brickbat was from Tomonori.

Four days after I was admitted, Tomonori came, following closely behind Kiyo, to see me. That charming face of his coupled with that completely un-endearing personality was his usual, but the cream puffs he brought for me were delicious beyond belief.

"Come to think of it…" As I munched heartily on the puffs, Tomonori, who was sitting on a foldable chair next to me asked, "What happened to that guy called Saitou?"

"Oh, he has stopped a.s.sociating with the scam groups, and should be living with Mitsuo-kun, who was also there at that time."

I see, mused Tomonori as he stuck a hand into the box of cream puffs. Kiyo was out, changing the water in the vase of flowers that Ayaka had brought.

"That's great, so he finally woke up. Seems like Mebuki-san's hotpot strategy was a great success, wasn't it?" This was Tomonori's way of cheering me up, so I forced a smile as I reached for my second puff. Kiyo chose this moment to return to the room, and he hurriedly asked: "Is there any left?" as he anxiously peered in the box.

Asahina did not come back.

We waited at the weekly apartment till it turned six, but he did not come. After that, they sent me straight to the hospital.

The day after Kiyo and Tomonori came by, s.h.i.+meno paid me a visit late at night. Visiting hours were over and the lights were already out, but s.h.i.+meno managed to obtain tacit approval from the nurses to see me with his looks and lawyer's badge, and it was fortuitous that my room was private. I was still up, reading a book.

"Akira, are you feeling better now?"

"Un. My temperature is normal, and I have been eating properly, too. I'd be discharged soon, I think."

"Let me see."

s.h.i.+meno laid a hand on my forehead. With a slight frown, he asked: "Don't you have a slight fever, still?" but his frown made me laugh.

"Seriously, s.h.i.+meno. I really should be out of here very soon."

"You should listen to what Sayuri-san says even after your discharge, okay?"

"Oi oi, I'm not a child," I retorted, but I knew I had caused too much trouble for him for that to sound convincing. Once again I turned to s.h.i.+meno and lowered my head.

"I'm sorry, for making you worry," I said.

"Oh do stop that. You're treating me like some stranger."

"I seem to be on the receiving end of too many favours from you, from all the way back then till now."

"No, I hate to admit this but this time Hyoudou did most of the work. He even took from me the role of holding you in my arms when you were at a low point in your life… this might be the defeat of a lifetime," he joked, as he loosened his tie.

"Give me a break." I grimaced as I leaned back onto my pillow, and s.h.i.+meno sat on the foldable chair next to me.

"—Akira, you know…" he began, and then he hesitated to continue, but I could almost guess what was to follow.

"Un."

"Did you see it on the news?"

Quietly, I told him that I did. There was no need to ask him which news he referred to.

"I see… I thought I should tell you what I currently know, about this case."

"Oh. I would like to hear what you have to say."

In a business-like tone that was free of any emotion, s.h.i.+meno launched into the details. In short, the people above Asahina… people from the s.h.i.+nwa-kai, knew that Asahina had been abusing drugs. The man he called Tos.h.i.+ probably reported regularly to the higher-ups. They decided that he can no longer be used, and had sought to disband the scam group that Asahina had been heading.

"The higher-ups also knew of your involvement with Asahina, but they were probably careful with their dealing with you after knowing that you were former public prosecutor and a former lawyer. That was why they made Asahina lock you up somewhere, for just one night.

And during the night I was confined to the bathroom, all traces of the scam group which had been operating from another weekly apartment disappeared into thin air. All evidence of their existence was destroyed, and the investigation team which had been chasing them down was nimbly sidestepped.

In other words, Asahina intended to deceive me from the very beginning.

"The police should be grinding their teeth is frustration now… I am too, to be honest," he added in annoyance.

According to what he heard, the members of that group was now scattered all over the place, but in time one of them will emerge as the new leader. Even right now, they might be out there somewhere, making a living off cheating people.

However, Asahina will not be among them.

Not because he experienced a change of heart and decided to live a life free of crime—but because he was already dead.

In the evening that day, I was watching the news on the TV in the hospital, and the male newscaster, with a neutral expression on his face and a pleasant voice, delivered news that I found hard to believe:

—at dawn this morning, the body of a young male was discovered in a business hotel in the Taitou district. This man has been identified as Asahina Wataru, twenty-seven years of age. His body showed no signs of external injury, but police investigations are currently ongoing.

"Asahina's autopsy showed that he suffered a heart attack following a drug overdose."

"I see."

"The police have already tracked the scam group to him… but you cannot pa.s.s judgement on a dead person. If he was no longer able to control the amount he took, then he was well along the road to accidental overdose."

"Un."

"However, in actual fact…"

s.h.i.+meno paused with his sentence hanging, but I could guess what he left unsaid.

Asahina may not have died of a drug overdose. He might have been murdered, instead. After all, he was the leader of scam group who no longer proved useful after falling prey to drug addiction. If he were to be caught by the police, who knows what he might say? Spooked, the organisation he worked for decided to cut all loose ends and got rid of him—this sounded like a scene straight out of a TV drama, but it was hard to say it was impossible.

Or, it could really have been a drug overdose. All drug addicts mostly meet the same sticky end, anyway. There was a possibility that the organisation concluded that if they left Asahina alone, he would self-destruct anyway. In any case, I will never know.

No, there was a person who might know.

The same person who dumped me into this hospital and never came to visit me might know the real reason behind Asahina's death. However… it was no use knowing the truth.

Asahina is already dead. He deceived me before he left, and now he would come back again.

Only his voice calling me sensei wouldn't leave my ears.

–

In the end, I had to stay in the hospital for ten days.

I was feverish at the start, but after my temperature went down I found I had too much spare time on my hands. There was one nurse who was young and pretty, and I was a tiny bit happier if it was her taking my temperature that day. She had a slim waist, and though she did not put on much makeup, her skin had a l.u.s.trous glow. She was really nice, too.

"Mebuki-san, you are a negotiator, aren't you? That sounds really cool! If I was kidnapped, please negotiate with the kidnapper for my release, okay?"

Needless to say, I was greatly flattered.

On an unrelated note, I have never done kidnap or ransom negotiation, and I probably never will. But I thought that if this nurse was kidnapped I would definitely want to attempt one for her sake… ridiculous thoughts, they were. Although yes of course it would be better if she was never kidnapped it the first place. She was a lovely woman, but I prefer to never have my blood drawn by her again. Maybe it was because she was still new, in any case I would never like to have the experience of someone poking a needle through my flesh in search for a vein again. Only when she was drawing my blood did I wish that it was the head nurse whom I called instead, the one that was so built so heavily that Aranami House might offer her a job.

It was almost 2 PM by the time I left the hospital, and I bid farewell to the nurses whom I had become friendly with.

The car that came to pick me up was a black Toyota Corolla.

I looked at the tall figure beside the car who was fiddling idly with his hands and smoking a cigarette, and thought, oh, you're finally here. It's not like I was waiting for him though… no, maybe I was. I knew he had been calling Sayuri-san and Kiyo to ask about my condition, but I was perhaps a little disgruntled at the fact that he would not pay me a visit himself. He was usually so persistent in following me around, yet he didn't come to see me when I had nothing to do.

He casted a glance at me. "You look so much better, now," he said disinterestedly.

I hardly saw him in anything other than a suit, but he was in a knit top and ivory trousers today. His hair was not gelled back as it usual was, and the slightly tousled hair made him look younger, somehow. I was in a s.h.i.+rt, cardigan and corduroy pants that Sayuri-san brought over for me, and on top of all that was that coat I still haven't returned to him.

"Of course I do. Why else would I be discharged, then?"

I sounded a little peeved. Maybe I really did bear a grudge against him for not visiting me. However Hyoudou simply snorted in laughter at my standoffishness.

"I'm relieved to hear that your sharp tongue is working fine," he said. "When I brought you here, you were covered in blood and puke… you looked like you could die on me any moment."

"… my bad. I caused trouble for you." I apologised grudgingly, while fidgeting with the Band-Aid on my forehead. Hyoudou only said: "It's nothing," as he toyed with his car key, but I wasn't sure what he referred to exactly by 'nothing'.

Hakuta wasn't with him today, which means that he had driven here himself.

"I'll have you know that this is not a taxi, so you can't tell me where to drop you. If you get on, you'll have to come with me straight to my apartment."

"Sure. I have questions for you anyway."

Hyoudou seemed surprised I would say that, so it gave him pause. Then, with slightly raised brows, he said: "Well then, please. I'll drive as safely as I can," as he opened the door to the pa.s.senger seat.

Both of us got into the Toyota Corolla, and we headed towards his apartment.

While I was at the hospital, November slipped into December. As my gaze fell on the Christmas decorations on the shop windows that pa.s.sed us by, I quietly realised that it was almost the end of this year.

Time may pa.s.s quickly, but there are some things that one can never forget.

We reached his apartment in twenty minutes and stopped the car in the underground car park before entering his unit on the second floor. Unlike the cold, sterile environment of the hospital, his room had a warm, lived-in feel, and I unwittingly breathed a sigh of contentment. I had long grown accustomed to this place, and it felt almost like my second home.

I plopped myself down onto the couch in his living room, and the soft, tanned leather gently wrapped me in its embrace. It was still afternoon, but Hyoudou poured two gla.s.ses of whiskey and handed me one. Clinking my gla.s.s with his, he said: "Congratulations on your discharge," in the most ungracious manner you could imagine.

His surliness was something I was used to, but—I wonder if I was imagining it. Hyoudou seemed particularly cold and distant today. He was sitting right to next to me, but there was an awkward distance between us… this was where he usually pounced on me and this was a couch we had s.e.x on countless of times, but yet he wouldn't even look at me right now.

"I'm sorry I couldn't visit you in the hospital," he said, not to me but to the gla.s.s in his hands.

"That's okay," I said, while gazing at side profile. Didn't he look slightly worn-out? There was a stubble of beard left on his jaw, too. This was unusual for Hyoudou, who takes great care of his appearance.

"You were busy, weren't you?"

"I wasn't that busy."

"Fibber. You should have been swarmed with things to do. I know you went to meet one of the leaders of the s.h.i.+nwa-kai."

Hyoudou finally deigned to look at me. A furrow appeared in his powerful, masculine-looking brows. "Who leaked that information to you?" he growled, with a black scowl on his face.

"Ah… So you did go, after all."

Hyoudou clicked his tongue in annoyance. "You tricked me into revealing it, didn't you?" he said, and I laughed.

"You're easier to trick than you seem."

"People who dare to trick me like that usually have a death wish. There aren't many of them around."

"You went to discuss Asahina's case, didn't you?"

Hyoudou did not answer. Instead, he crossed his legs haughtily and lit his cigarette.

"Did they really kill him?" I asked, but Hyoudou still refused to answer.

Despite his silence I waited, patiently. I watched as he smoked this cigarette till it was almost gone, but Hyoudou did not speak. This was sensitive information about the s.h.i.+nwa-kai that he couldn't have found easy to share.

"I wonder," he eventually murmured, as he ground his cigarette on the crystal ash tray in front of him. "Even I don't know. I did go to meet one of the s.h.i.+nwa-kai leaders, though. The weekly apartment that Asahina's scam group was operating from was in Suou-gumi's territory, and if the police conducts a raid on our premises we might be burnt by the sparks from the ensuing fire, too."

But, Hyoudou continued, "I couldn't get anything out of them, and after telling me nothing, they politely showed me the door. Well… it couldn't be helped. To the leaders of the s.h.i.+nwa-kai, I am but a mere fledging."

"So… you knew. You knew that s.h.i.+nwa-kai was going to cut Asahina off."

"I did."

"You knew, but didn't tell me."

"What else was I supposed to do but keep it from you? This is s.h.i.+nwa-kai we are dealing with, you know. What can you do, even if you knew?" he spat acrimoniously, but he was right.

There was nothing I could do. Nothing at all.

I couldn't help Asahina, nor his family… all I did was to allow myself to be deceived, and then drugged, and after that I became nothing but trouble for everyone. I couldn't blame Hyoudou for keeping something like that for me, nor do I even feel like doing so.

"Even I couldn't do a single thing about it. I am the face of Suou-gumi… and yet someone like me could never hope to stand up against them."

"But still you went, for me," I whispered, but Hyoudou pretended not to hear and took out another cigarette.

"You went to see the leaders of s.h.i.+nwa-kai partly for my sake, didn't you?"

"I'm telling you I did not." Hyoudou continued to feign ignorance. "I simply didn't want someone to stir up trouble in my neighbourhood… I am yakuza. I wouldn't have gone for your sake."

"Well… that's also true."

Hyoudou would never admit to it, but Hakuta had visited me in the hospital and clandestinely pa.s.sed information on to me.

Hyoudou had lowered his head in front of Suou-gumi's k.u.michō. He had implored the k.u.michō to allow him to settle all matters regarding Asahina, but the k.u.michō had declined, on the grounds that the scam groups fell under the jurisdiction of s.h.i.+nwa-kai as they are s.h.i.+nwa-kai's sources of income, not theirs. The k.u.michō told Hyoudou that they had no say in the matter, but Hyoudou pleaded for permission to pay s.h.i.+nwa-kai a visit, and the k.u.michō relented.

In other words, Hyoudou attempted direct negotiations with the s.h.i.+nwa-kai, and if things went wrong it could have endangered his position in the organisation. From what I know, this is the first time I have seen Hyoudou let his personal feelings affect his work, Hakuta had said.

However, Hyoudou's efforts were futile. All s.h.i.+nwa-kai did was to turn him away, after telling him that he should not to meddle in their affairs.

Even someone like Hyoudou was powerless in the face of a mighty organisation like s.h.i.+nwa-kai, to say nothing for someone like me. I didn't have the power to save anyone… somewhere deep inside my heart I must have thought that I could, but now I felt nothing but shame at my own impudence.

"Hey, Hyoudou."

"What is it?"

I set the gla.s.s, now half-full, back onto the table. Then I leaned back to look up at the ceiling and summoned up a tiny bit of courage.

"I didn't have any faith in Asahina."

I wanted to confess this to someone, I wanted to tell someone I made mistake. It was possible that not just anyone would do… it had to be someone who could lay bare all my flaws and foibles.

Hyoudou gave me a dubious look.

"I wanted to, though… and that was because I didn't have any in the first place. I didn't believe him, that was why I needed to incline myself to. It's different from truly believing that he'll change… if I did, then I needn't put in any effort. In fact, I needn't do anything at all, and it'll be a natural state of mind…"

"You're starting to quibble again. It's a bad habit of yours."

"But it's true. Somewhere inside of me I knew that Asahina was too far gone, and that even if he tried to a make a fresh start, he would fail. I wasn't running about doing this and that for his sake, you know. I was probably motivated by… a sense of guilt, of sorts. I regretted not knowing what happened to Asahina and his family after the case, and that compelled me to do what I did."

I acted purely for my own sake, pretending that it was for someone else. It felt miserable admitting this, but if someone called me hypocrite now I wouldn't be able to come up with anything to defend myself.

"I heard about senpai and Asahina from that creepy lawyer friend of yours," said Hyoudou as he drained his gla.s.s. He then turned to face me bodily.

"You were only doing your job, and you did exactly what you were expected to. I do not understand why you must blame yourself so. Okay, senpai? It is very natural that a human would mistrust another. That is why there are wars being fought all over the world."

A large hand grabbed me firmly by the back of the head.

"Senpai is just being greedy."

He was now so close I could smell the liquor and tobacco in his breath.

"All you need is a few people you can trust, senpai. You can't ask for anything more than that."

I thought his conclusion was fair, and his argument sound… back then, I was probably asking for too much, like he said.

"What about you, then?"

"What about?"

His powerful arms pulled me closer to him.

"Am I, someone that you trust?" I asked, but as soon as the question left my mouth I realised what a silly question it was. Hyoudou wasn't my colleague. He wasn't family, either, nor is he an existence similar to Kiyo and Sayuri-san… what reason have I to hope that he would place his trust in me? To begin with, what if he asked me the same question? Would I be able to say that he was someone I trusted?

"I'm sorry but you don't count among those I trust."

"… I figured."

"I don't trust you… but I'm in love with you."

It was an answer I didn't expect, and I could only stare at him in silent confusion. Hyoudou then took hold of my jaw and pressed his lips on the side of my brow that didn't have a Band-Aid on it.

"Hyou…"

"The more you like a person, the more you wouldn't trust them."

"When I haven't got my eyes on you, I always have this suspicion gnawing at me, telling me that you might be doing something stupid and getting yourself in trouble. I mean, all I need to do is take my eyes off you for a moment and you get yourself abducted, fed drugs…" he whispered into my ear, and I could feel his breath against my earlobe. I couldn't summon any strength in my limbs… most of the past week was spent on a bed in a hospital, so I had very little strength to resist him now.

A soft thud later and I was on my back on the couch, with Hyoudou on top of me.

"Can you imagine how I felt, when I saw you chained to that sink in the bathroom?" Hyoudou stared down at me, his form completely covering mine. "I-I said… I was sorry," was all I could manage.

"You were completely out of it, and you were looking at me and saying really strange things…"

"What did I say?" I asked.

That was actually what weighed the most on my mind, and what I came here to ask. I still have faint memories of what happened, and of an illusion of someone who looked like me chewing me out and furiously grilling me on my past mistakes, mistakes I have been unable to forget even till now, so… I must have said something fairly outrageous.

Frankly, I was afraid of his answer, but I needed to know.

"I've already forgotten."

"Don't fib. I probably said that, didn't I? I said that I—"

"Sh." Lips pressed themselves softly on mine.

It had been awhile, so I closed my eyes and gave myself over to that sensation. Hyoudou's lips were always slightly chapped but they would become soft and moist as his kiss deepened.

"I don't care about your past," Hyoudou murmured, as his lips left mine.

"I care very little about your present, too. I don't care if you are the greatest saint on earth or the most diabolical villain in the world, or if you trust others or trust no one. It doesn't matter."

The tips of our nose were almost touching, and he was so close that I couldn't look him in the eye.

"I don't intend to ever let go of you, regardless of what sort of person you are."

His breath brushed past my lips as he spoke, and I wondered how I should explain the ache that was welling up from deep inside my chest.

Embarra.s.sed and baffled, I turned my face away, but his teeth found my earlobe, and I had to bite back a breathless cry.

"—jeez. I would love to f.u.c.k, but… are you well enough to?" Hyoudou asked with a completely straight face, and I couldn't help but laugh. His question was direct and easy to understand, but it might have completely ruined the moment… he sounded like a high school student at the peak of his libido.

"If I said I wasn't, would you hold yourself back?"

"… I'll go halfway."

"Harh? Halfway? Like, alighting from a train at a stop-over station? Wouldn't it be like getting off the Tokaidō Bullet Train at s.h.i.+zuoka Station?"

"Nah. I'll stay on till Kyoto, at least."

What was that supposed to mean? The Tokaidō Bullet Train terminates at s.h.i.+n-Osaka, and Kyoto was just one stop before the last. You'll reach there in about the time you'll take to finish your bentō, a nap, and a rather unsavoury cup of coffee that was sold on-board the train. It'll be troublesome for me as well if he got off the train at such an awkward place.

I wrapped both arms around Hyoudou's neck and said: "Don't touch my wounds." I was too embarra.s.sed to meet his eyes so I hugged him closer and buried my face in his neck. He hugged me back even tighter and said dumb things like: "They'll heal if I lick them." Well… I was still a tiny bit nervous that he would, because he really might.

Shortly after, I extricated myself from his arms and went into his bathroom.

Hyoudou has insisted that I stay, but I wanted to wash myself as I was only able to take two showers during my ten-day stay in the hospital. Waterproof pads kept my bandages dry when I was in shower, but I tore off the Band-Aid on my forehead, thinking that it was nothing but a scratch. The wound re-opened, and the water ran red for a while.

"You sure took your time."

"Uwa!"

I was in the middle of drying myself off in the dressing room when Hyoudou burst in. He wrapped me in the bath towel and I was dragged, still half damp, into the bedroom.

"Oi… you don't need to rush me like this…" I protested, but he tore off his own clothes and fell upon me like a half-starved beast. My body should have been warmer than his as I just took a hot shower, but his skin against mine felt just as warm.

Hyoudou then kissed me hard, his tongue ravaging my mouth.

Without breaking the kiss, Hyoudou wrapped himself around me until there was no s.p.a.ce left between us. His junk, now so hard that it could break something, pressed on me, and I could feel heat stirring in mine too.

"Your voice."

"… eh?"

"Don't hold your voice in… please, let me hear it," said Hyoudou, as he nibbled on the nape of my neck. He did not say, 'let me hear it', but 'please, let me hear it', and in spite of myself my lips grew slack. I have always been weak for him when he asks nicely, especially when he was usually such an arrogant person who always had to get his way.

My nipples stood stiff and erect and my body stiffened as Hyoudou's tongue slid over my nipple, flicking against them, as if he was testing their elasticity.

"Nn…"

I looked down to see my chest was wet with his attentions and Hyoudou still latched onto one of my nipples. My body shuddered at his touch like I was greedy for more, and Hyoudou switched nipples. His long fingers start to play with the one that had lost the touch of his warm tongue.

"Ah… ah…"

Now both my nipples were being played with, and my pleasure intensified. The stimulation sent waves of pleasure up my spine, and there was a cloyingly sweet numbness in my loins.

I swear I wasn't like this back then.

Back then, things like my nipples didn't mean very much to me. The same goes for the nape of my neck, the back of my ears, and my kneecaps. I thought it was only in fictional universes that one would find them so sensitive that their breathing patterns would change just by having them stimulated.

Hyoudou's teeth found my nipple, and something like a jolt of electricity ran up my back.

"… no, don't, don't bite on it!"

"Don't worry, I won't bite them off… though I dearly would love to, now."

What he said frightened me slightly, but he only nipped at them gently and occasionally tugged on them a little harder than I would have liked. He knew, that putting me on the cusp between pain and pleasure is what made me squirm the most.

My heart pounded faster, and my breath came in ragged pants. Hyoudou slid a hand down to my lower half. My quivering tip was already wet, but Hyoudou ignored it, and instead started to run his hand through my thighs.

"Why aren't you… doing it already…"

"Do you want me to touch it?"

"Ah… ah… I'll get angry, alright!"

I sure won't like that, said the man with a salacious grin.

He then pulled me up so that I was sitting on top of him with my legs around his waist. To be honest, I wasn't too fond of this position as I would have to stare into his face as we did it, but before I could protest Hyoudou sealed my mouth with a kiss, and his right hand came up to play with a nipple once again.

"Nn… ah!"

Hyoudou tugged hard, and I threw my head back and cried out. There was dull ache in my loins, but as usual Hyoudou completely ignored my p.e.n.i.s. Instead, he sank his teeth into my exposed throat. My hand snaked towards my groin, but Hyoudou swatted it away.

"Ah, ah, no…"

Left with no choice, I rutted myself against him. Our erect p.e.n.i.ses rubbed against each other, my wet tip sliding smoothly across the hot skin on his.

"Ahh!"

I couldn't help myself. The weak, half-hearted stimulation threw me into disarray, and I gasped and moaned as I thrusted at Hyoudou. He swallowed once, hard.

"Senpai… today, you…"

"S-Shut up… and be quiet."

I was aware, that I was a lot more worked up then I usually was. It would seem that the longing my body had for Hyoudou's was stronger than I imagined… but it was possible that my heart longed for him, too.

Maybe I was a little frayed, at the edges.

Being beaten up, threatened, or getting injured—I had already become used to things like that, and I wouldn't be fazed by any of those. However, Asahina's death affected me greatly. I haven't been able to sleep very well in the past few days after learning of his death. During the day, I was able to laugh and engage in idle talk with the nurses in the hospital, but when night fell and I was left alone I was unable to sleep. I did think of asking for sleeping pills from the doctor, but decided not to tell him of my insomnia in the end.

Once I meet Hyoudou… I had feeling that everything will work out.

Once I meet Hyoudou… then I might be able to get some sleep.

Since when have I allowed Hyoudou to come so close? Since when has Hyoudou become someone whose scent alone would rea.s.sure me, and make me feel safe?

It was frightening, somehow.

It was frightening how I have come to become so emotionally dependent on someone who initially had to force his way into my heart.

"Lift your hips."

When I obliged, lotion covered fingers prodded their way inside me. The longest slid all the way in and I let out a wanton cry. Slowly, Hyoudou slid that finger in and out, and in again.

"It's… really tight."

"Idiot… Nn…"

I knew I was clenching my insides around his fingers. It was possible that I wasn't very used to this position and was finding it hard to relax, or I might have been too anxious to receive Hyoudou that my insides had clammed up.

"That won't do, you can't squeeze my fingers like that… you have to… loosen up so that you can swallow me whole… ah f.u.c.k I really wanna put it in now."

Hyoudou's breath was hot and laboured. I dug my fingernails into his shoulder, lost in a whirl of pleasure. "It's okay," I said, in a shaky voice. "It's okay, so… just put it in already."

"But I haven't spread you wide enough yet."

"It… it's alright, just spread me apart with… that thing of yours."

Uwa, I didn't intend to something that obscene—but by the time I realised that I had, it was too late. In a low, guttural growl, Hyoudou said: "I don't care anymore." He then grabbed my hips and positioned me above him, and his tip pushed into my pa.s.sage as my body slowly sank downwards.

Hyoudou was vexingly large, but he felt even larger today. It felt like my body was splitting apart, but it wasn't the sort of pain that usually followed violence; it was like being raked by the sharp claws of pleasure.

"Sen… pai…"

"Ah… ah…"

Hyoudou drove it in inch by in until it was halfway in, and I sank all the way down to his hilt by my own weight as a headiness enveloped me. I tilted my head back in ecstasy and my body seized, making me clench up around Hyoudou. The man with his arms around me groaned, and it was sweet music to my ears.

And for a short while after that, Hyoudou did not move.

I mean, he didn't move his hips. His fingers and lips was busy tracing the curve of my b.u.t.t cheek and leaving a trail of bite-marks on my clavicle, but as it was he refused to touch where I would like to be touched most.

"Hyou… dou… hey."

"What?"

"Ah… h-here. Touch me here…. I'm begging you, please."

He would stop me if I tried to touch myself, too. I tried the strategy of bringing Hyoudou's hand to my crotch, but he refused to play along. "That wouldn't do," he told me flatly.

"You are, well. You aren't well enough to do it multiple times today, so today… I promise to do it just once. In exchange, please try to finish with me."

It sounded like he was telling the truth, but I wasn't sure. Was he actually being really cruel while pretending to be concerned about my well-being? Didn't he look like he enjoyed watching me quiver in desire for his touch?

"That's… that's not possible. I'm… already…"

"Going to c.u.m? That's going to be troublesome."

Hyoudou fingers curled around my erection, but they were not gentle. They encircled the base of my shaft and squeezed.

Then he started to rock his hips, slowly thrusting into me with large, rhythmic motions.

"Ku… ah, ah… stop that…!"

"Senpai…"

I wasn't a man you would consider light in terms of body weight, but Hyoudou's abdominal and back muscles were solidly built. Every time I sank down onto him as I straddled him, I felt that I was taking him deeper than I usually did.

"No… you're going in… too deep…"

Hyoudou was thrusting into me faster and faster, and I struggled to keep my balance on top of him. Just as I arched my back and propped myself up the sheets behind me, Hyoudou's tip grazed somewhere inside of me.

Pleasure swelled up in me, and I couldn't bite back the moan that spilled from my lips. That reaction didn't escape Hyoudou, and he caught hold of my back and tipped me backwards, before spreading my legs wider apart. Then, while still buried in me, he s.h.i.+fted himself. My thighs slid over his, sweaty skin against sweaty skin as he re-adjusted them. Since both his hands were needed to do that, the grip on my erection was finally released.

"Fu… hah…" Panting heavily, I struggled to maintain control of my breathing as I tried to hold back my impending e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n. As Hyoudou had also hoped, I too wished to climax with him, cast ourselves in the cras.h.i.+ng waves and be tossed to pieces.

Hyoudou seemed to have read my thoughts, and he remained still for a short while, with his hands still holding up my thighs. Shortly after he dipped forward and placed a kiss on my knee. It tickled so much that I laughed in between gasps of breath, and Hyoudou's lips also curled into a smile. It was a smile that was so heart-wrenchingly gentle that I had to fight an urge to cry.

Gentle he may be now, but a wolf is still a wolf, a hungry one at that.

"—break-time is over."

And the wolf started to move his hips once again, and I was his willing prey that was being torn apart by his teeth and tool. Any self-worth I had in the beginning was gone, lost in a moment of uncontrollable l.u.s.t.

"Ah… ah, no, I don't want it there…"

"You shouldn't… tell lies… senpai."

Tears threatened to spill out of the corner of my eyes as Hyoudou rubbed against my prostrate, again and again. Hyoudou's heat stirred up my insides, and my cries alternated between "It's good" and "I don't want this". My synapses went into overdrive, and the reputation I had for being a great quibbler… well, you probably can't say the same of me now.

Amidst the whirlwind of pa.s.sion my eyes fluttered open, only to see Hyoudou's face right in front of mine. A bead of sweat glistened on Hyoudou's nose, and I was overcome by an urge to lick it off. Pulling him towards me, I decided to take him in a full open-mouthed kiss instead, and our tongues mingled.

"… Sen… Nn…"

I refused to let Hyoudou say anything, but he didn't stop the movements of his hips. The wet sounds of lotion covered skin slapping against skin along with heavy breathing filled the room with a licentious melody.

"Hah…ah, ah, ah… ahh!"

I was the first to be pushed over the edge. As soon as Hyoudou fisted my erection, I was unable to hold it in anymore. Something sparked in my head, and electricity surged up my spine from the tailbone all the way to my fingertips, and my finger felt tingly. Hyoudou continued to drill into me as I e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed and shuddered uncontrollably in the throes of my release. It felt like my body was falling apart.

"… ah!" I cried as my seed gushed while Hyoudou thrusted harder and harder into me. It was almost the frenzied, the way he was hollowing out my now tightening pa.s.sage. All I could hear were the pants of an animal right next to my ear, and I could only cling wordlessly onto his back as his movements slowly edged my head towards the headboard.

A lengthy exhale, followed by colourful groans.

Hyoudou then ceased all movement. My pa.s.sage shuddered once, and all of his desire poured into me.

There was something particularly alluring about the furrow on his brow and his closed eyes, and those slightly parted lips too… now that I think about it, perhaps I had shown him a similar expression too.

While still breathing heavily, Hyoudou sat up with his elbows on the sheets. He was still buried in me, but what had been raging in me was slowly going soft.

"Senpai."

Hyoudou was calling out to me, but instead of answering him I slowly ran my hands up his back in gentle, upward strokes. He b.u.mped his forehead on mine before asking: "Is it okay if I break my promise?"

"… eh?" I asked in puzzlement, as I was expecting him to say something a little… sweeter.

Hyoudou drew himself away so that his eyes could meet mine. My body was still plastered close to his, but our foreheads were no longer touching.

"It's not enough. I can't do this just once."

"Eh? Ehh…?"

What should have gone flaccid inside me once again began to grow hard once more.

"You…! Wait, what. You must be kidding me. It's getting… hard again… ah…!"

"f.u.c.k, that's really cute." Hyoudou swore as he watched my discomfiture at experiencing something like that for the first time. Or was that his version of the sweet nothings I was expecting? In any case, I fell into a panic. Since I have only just been discharged from the hospital, there was no way I would survive another round of this.

"Hyoudou… I can't. I'm telling you that I can't…!" I put on a fierce show of resistance, but Hyoudou's death grip around me wouldn't loosen.

"Senpai can just lie there and do nothing."

"That is not the point h—ah… ah!"

Somewhere inside my head someone struck a gong. That was the sound of the relentless start of the second round, whether I liked it or not.

This is madness. This is an atrocity. My opponent in the ring had been swinging at me in outright defiance of the rules, and I have been doomed from the very beginning.

"No… Hyoudou…!" I protested, but my voice was already hoa.r.s.e from all the yelling.

And I hate to say this, but it is not difficult to envision exactly how this match will play out.

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