After Such Kindness Part 1

After Such Kindness.

Gaynor Arnold.

1.

JOHN JAMESON.

I can scarcely believe that I spent so many months in the company of Daniel Baxter without being aware of the existence of his delightful daughter. But ours was originally a friends.h.i.+p not given to matters such as daughters, however delightful. In fact, our acquaintance had begun on an indifferent dare I say, hostile note.

I had heard of Baxter, of course; all Oxford knew him as the successful and popular vicar of St Cyprian's but he was the kind of clergyman I disliked; a man given to whipping up his congregation simply by the power of his voice and the fervent light in his eyes. I had by no means gone out of my way to avoid him, but I spent a large part of my time then as now quietly studying and teaching within my college walls, while Baxter was an energetic saver of souls with missions in the poorest parts of the town. It had seemed unlikely that we would meet, let alone find common ground. I certainly did not imagine that we were to become friends.

It was the Dean, strangely enough, who brought us together. I say 'strangely' because I have never sought the company of my fellow dons. I dislike having my privacy intruded upon, which has given me the reputation of being aloof, but that reputation protects and suits me. However, on coming out of my rooms one particular evening I saw the Dean scuttling across the college quadrangle, heading, I feared, in my direction. He then took the liberty of falling into step with me, taking my arm in his. It is a peculiar habit of his, this linking of arms, and as I am six foot and he is not more than five foot two, it is a particularly annoying one. I had to bend low to accommodate him as we progressed across the quadrangle, his sharp elbow digging into my side.

'I am delighted to have caught you,' he said; as if he were addressing a plump salmon just pulled from the river. 'You are just the man for my purpose. I need someone of a High Church view for my colloquia I mean; there are too many men of the Rugby persuasion at the moment too much doubt; too much Broad Church laxity. It won't do at all.'

I knew there had been talk in the common room of a series of debates that were to take place between High and Low Church interests, but I had taken little notice, being in no way interested in the minutiae of Church politics, although I was cla.s.sed as a clergyman by the requirements of the college rules. Faced with the alarming possibility of being asked to speak on such a matter, I pleaded my ignorance and general incapacity as a speaker.

But the Dean would not be deterred. 'No, no,' he insisted. 'If you, with your logic and cleverness, cannot add to the debate, I don't know who can.'

'But if I have any c-cleverness, it is only mathematical,' I replied. 'I fear I have a very superficial knowledge of anything else. Indeed, the more firmly held an opinion is, the more I am inclined to make fun of it.'

'And very amusing you are too, sir. I have read some of your satires in the London magazines. But I cannot imagine that you are likely to make similar jokes at the expense of Dr Pusey's learned writings. You are a man in Holy Orders after all even if they are minor ones and, if I may say so, you have seriously neglected your spiritual duties at the college. I don't believe you have read the Lesson in chapel more than twice this whole year. No, no, Mr Jameson, mathematician you may be, but you will oblige me by coming along. We start tomorrow immediately after Hall dinner. Half past eight o'clock in the Old b.u.t.tery.'

I was utterly dismayed. My opinion is that the Church of England is an utterly illogical inst.i.tution and it no more deserves the thousands of words expended on its behalf than, say, a lobster. In fact, a lobster may deserve more words, and is certainly a good deal tastier. There have been times in the past when I have almost dreaded entering the senior common room for fear of what I would encounter: dirty teacups set down everywhere and no place to sit that did not put one within spitting distance of a theological argument. I often found myself squashed up between a mad vicar from Fairyland and an equally certifiable archdeacon from Nurseryland, who both seemed set fair to put my head into the teapot if I did not agree with them. I had thought that by now all the sound and fury generated by the Tractarians had largely dissipated. But it seems that as soon as any controversy threatens to die down, there is a man like the Dean who will breathe fire into its embers and start it up again.

He smiled. 'By the way,' he said. 'You will be interested to know that Daniel Baxter will be in attendance. He was my pupil, you know, once upon a time. He will bring a certain liveliness to the debate, you can be sure.' And, with that, he flitted off into the cloisters like an absent-minded bat.

Of course, at the time, I was unaware of the magnitude of the favour he had done me. Rather, I was irritated to have been ambushed in this fas.h.i.+on; and the notion of Daniel Baxter's presence at the proposed meetings in no way allayed my annoyance at having to leave my comfortable chair and be bored on a bench for two hours a week. So, the following evening, when I took myself to the Old b.u.t.tery and saw the person I presumed to be Baxter a handsome and athletic man surrounded by a coterie of admirers I declined to acknowledge him, and sat in a corner, well away from him. Baxter was clearly used to being the centre of attention, and I had no wish to increase his self-importance. And, during the course of the debate, whenever he got up to speak and he spoke often, loudly and enthusiastically I yawned and made amusing sketches of him in my notebook depicting him as a preaching toad, or even a monkey in a mitre.

Yet, I could see he was by no means as confident a man as he pretended. He would often lose the thread of his argument and his eye would fall upon mine in an anxious way, as if seeking encouragement or approval although why my approval was of any importance to him was beyond my understanding; I am a poor speaker at best, and in that feverish atmosphere I tried not to speak at all, rising only to correct any matter of fact or an aberration of the rules of grammar. Perhaps Baxter was made nervous by my stony manner and the scribbling of my pencil every time he rose to his feet. Perhaps he saw me simply as another opponent to be won over by his charms.

But whatever it was, as the weekly meetings continued, I found myself beginning to like him. He possessed an earnest sincerity that was hard to resist, and made a point of detaining me after the meetings to ask my opinion on this or that. On one or two occasions he had even accompanied me as far as my rooms, engaging me in serious conversation for up to half an hour, deferring to me in a way I found most flattering. I have to admit I had not enjoyed such a demonstration of friends.h.i.+p since my schooldays, and I looked forward each week to the time when we would meet. The debates themselves were no better than I had expected and my notebooks quickly filled up with drawings of ancient theologians and bits of comical verse. But I was surprised to discover that Baxter in spite of his enthusiastic speeches was also unimpressed by the polemical nature of the proceedings. One evening, he took me by the arm. 'Well, we have all spoken loud and long, but I find myself no nearer to the answers I crave. What about you, Jameson? Are you satisfied?'

I shrugged. I had not antic.i.p.ated satisfaction, so its absence was a matter of indifference to me, yet Baxter's face lit up. 'I see you are like me, Jameson. You long in your soul for something more intimate. Maybe we could find a private time to examine our consciences honestly without the need to take up a position? A kind of mutual confessional if I may use so Roman a word?'

Although such intimate exchanges were generally anathema to me, I did not wish to lose Baxter's friends.h.i.+p so soon and I nodded my agreement. He was delighted, and clasped me to his bosom, a gesture which disconcerted me considerably. (I had noticed his frequent habit of touching people on the arm and hand, and clapping them on the back. Even pens, books and the corners of tables were subject to his caress.) 'Splendid,' he said. 'I cannot tell you how much this means to me.'

It was readily decided that I should be the host, as I was lucky enough to have a comfortable set of rooms overlooking the college garden, whereas he was a busy paterfamilias in a house where callers were a continual cause of interruption. So, once a week after Evensong, we would drink a modic.u.m of sherry and eat two or three fairly dry biscuits while we examined our position with regard to the spiritual authority of the Anglican Church ending always with a solemn prayer by Baxter for guidance in the week ahead. The discussions were generally interesting, in spite of Baxter's tendency to generalities. 'What are candles?' he would say. 'What is incense? What is the wafer at the altar and the draining of the cup, if we do not carry the Love of G.o.d in our hearts?' He would then go on to question High Church practices in general and the Popish notion of celibacy in particular, in an attempt to persuade me that the life of a bachelor don was neither good nor healthy.

'Christian life is family life,' he would say, heartily. 'Without my family, I am nothing. They are the better part of me. I rejoice in the Lord's goodness to have given me such a loving wife and four healthy children.'

When he was in this vein, I let him expound although his words held such an implicit reproach to my bachelor status that it was hard not to take offence. But I did no more than gently intimate that family life was not meant for everyone. 'I am rather crabby and crotchety, as you know. No sensible woman would have me.'

'You never know, John,' he would always conclude. 'You never know.'

But I do know, of course. I know my nature very well.

But it was part of Baxter's generous nature to share all his thoughts with me and during these times of heart-searching I learned a great deal about him in particular that his aforementioned loving family comprised a wife, three girls and a boy the boy, Benjamin, being the youngest by some ten years. And one day when he was being particularly intimate, having imbibed more than his usual amount of sherry, he confessed that he had once feared he would never see the day when he would hold that son in his arms.

'After Daisy,' he said, 'Mrs Baxter was very unwell and it seemed unlikely she could survive the rigours of another confinement. We had to practise discretion. For years I was forced to hold back from my desires, to fight every night the demons of the flesh. But I have to confess to you, John, that one night I gave in to temptation. G.o.d forgive me, but I did. It is hard, you know, to go without love without the physical expression of love, I mean and that night I fell short of my duty.'

He looked searchingly at me then, as if wondering if I myself had ever known the love of a woman or the nightly temptation of the flesh; that I might confess some similar failing on my part that might mitigate or excuse his own lack of chast.i.ty. I said nothing. There was, of course, nothing to say. I am a single man, a college tutor and a deacon of the Church of England. No woman sets a foot in my chambers. I lead perforce a chaste and blameless life.

Clasping his hands as if in prayer, and taking no heed of my considerable discomfort with the topic, he added, 'And when it became clear that our night of bliss had borne its fruit, I feared my punishment would be to lose that wife I so much cherished. I prayed, then, John how I prayed! We both did, Mrs Baxter and I, every night side by side in our night attire, down on our knees, asking most earnestly that her life should be spared not only for the expected infant's sake, but for all three of our girls, that they might continue to know the guiding hand of their mother as they grew to womanhood. A father, you know, however loving, is no real subst.i.tute for a mother as the daily mentor and companion of young girls.'

I felt quite put out to hear him say that. I am of the opinion that a father, if well-intentioned and conscientious, can do all that a mother might, and more. But I have no children, and I know Society takes parental advice very ill from an unmarried man, so I bit my lip. 'Well, that is fortunately a theoretical matter now,' I said. 'You have your son, and your wife is happily still with us.'

He nodded, his eyes filling with tears. 'Yes, oh, yes! G.o.d is full of grace and listened to our prayers. Mrs Baxter survived her ordeal although it was a long and painful one and Benjy was delivered safely, nine months to the day. He is my special treasure. A gift from the Lord; a sign of forgiveness.'

'Amen,' I said, touched at his emotion. 'I am glad that you have a son and heir, Daniel, and that you take such delight in him. Many men seem to favour their sons, I have noticed. A child to carry on the family name, to follow in his father's footsteps play cricket and go to university and so forth. But, in general, I find little girls far gentler and more appealing.'

He looked surprised, as if he could not conceive of such a preference. Then he laughed. 'But of course you know nothing of the reality of the fair s.e.x. You spend all your time hidden away in your college room, teaching young men who are equally confined. Little girls are no doubt as strange and fabulous to you as unicorns.'

'On the contrary, I am very used to the company of girls,' I said with some asperity. 'I had seven younger sisters at home and entertained them for many years with considerable success I might add.'

'John, you astonish me! Who'd have thought it?' He gave me a close look, as if to see in my face something previously hidden maybe the impression of my sisters' features, or a ringlet or hair ribbon he had somehow overlooked in our months of companions.h.i.+p. 'Well, in that case, I absolutely require that you come up to the vicarage and entertain us. We have more than enough to spare of female company there. Daisy is only ten, but Christiana and Sarah are of an age for conversation, and it might do them good. And Mrs Baxter will, I'm sure, be delighted. She cannot see what takes me away from her so long every Wednesday evening and has tired of delaying supper for me.'

'Thank you,' I said, somewhat agitated at the prospect of a family gathering, even with the inducement of three young girls to be entertained. 'Although you must warn your wife that I am an inept figure in the drawing room. My stammer, you know. It's worse when I am in company, as you'll have noticed. But I am at ease with children especially the younger ones.' Even then, the very name 'Daisy' conjured up in me a vision of innocence that made my heart quicken.

I was thus full of mixed emotions when, in response to a written invitation from Mrs Baxter, I climbed the hill to Westwood Gardens one day in late March. It was some time since I had visited the family home of anyone except my married sisters, as I took all my meals in Hall whether in or out of term (except for a seaside holiday once a year). I feared that perhaps my bachelor ways had become set, and my manners out-of-date. Not that I care about 'manners' as such. Indeed, I often find the goings-on of family life comedic in the extreme. However, Baxter had tried to put me at my ease by saying the family was 'as you find us harum-scarum to a degree'.

As soon as I saw the house, I doubted that. The vicarage was rather grand a s.p.a.cious and comfortable new house, entirely Gothic in style, with patterned brickwork and double-arched windows, each with mottled granite columns and individual carved capitols. The handsome front door had stained-gla.s.s panels each side of the big bra.s.s knocker (itself in the shape of a lion's head), and there were stone pots of budding hydrangeas on each side of the porch. Through the tinted gla.s.s I could spy large vases filled with flowers, gilt-framed pictures, Italian statuettes, pots of ferns, silver candlesticks, rich brocade cloths and ta.s.selled curtains. The whole house reflected Baxter's status as a successful member of society as well as a successful clergyman.

He'd made no secret of his path to success. I knew how, after leaving the university the very year I myself had come up, he had worked hard and long hours as a curate in the poor parishes of London, doing much good there it would seem. But he had married early and, although still anxious in his heart to do G.o.d's work, judged that his wife and young daughters were too delicate for a life in the slums. He had therefore been rewarded with a well-endowed Living in his own alma mater and had been established back in Oxford for over ten years. The parish he now administered was tremendously genteel, but Baxter contrived to steer his genial Broad Church way through the doctrinal extremes that had wrecked many of his predecessors, and not a few of his contemporaries. He was practical, too. He had inst.i.tuted parish committees for the care of the poor, ignorant and sick, even beyond his parish boundaries. He was a man with a finger in a good many pies.

A housemaid with neat white cap and well-ironed streamers opened the door to me. 'Reverend John Jameson,' I enunciated with difficulty, as I gave her my hat. 'C-Compliments to Mrs B-Baxter. I am expected.'

To my relief, Daniel appeared at a door near the back of the hall. He looked different more lightly clad and comfortable. In fact, I noticed, he was wearing carpet slippers and something approaching a smoking jacket, although I had never seen him smoke and hoped sincerely that he did not do so. 'My dear Jameson,' he cried. 'Delighted to see you! Welcome to my humble abode!'

'Not so humble,' I couldn't help saying, as I eyed the particularly fine silver-gilt looking-gla.s.s that dominated the hallway.

He looked disconcerted, as if the opulence of his surroundings had never occurred to him. 'It's not mine, remember,' he said apologetically. 'The house goes with the Living, as you know. And most of the furniture belongs to my wife.' Then he gave a grin. 'But it is rather impressive, isn't it? Built by subscription, in the Ruskin style. The paris.h.i.+oners insisted that only the best would do to glorify the Lord as He deserves, and I'm the first fortunate recipient of their generosity. But come in, come in!' And, dismissing the servant, he ushered me into his study.

I always feel at home when I am among books, particularly in the special quietness that a book-lined room bestows. Daniel, I could see, had many books, but not so many as I did, and as far as I could see, not so varied: a little entomology and botany, the usual Cla.s.sics and theology, but no mathematics. He made up the lack with many sporting trophies silver cups on his mantelpiece and a wooden oar suspended above it with dates and names, indicating, no doubt, some achievement of note. There were some daguerreotypes too a group of oarsmen in sporting gear and caps, and another group of men in clerical garb. One picture was slightly blurred, as if the camera had been carelessly moved, and the other was overdeveloped and dark. This annoyed me and I remember wis.h.i.+ng people would take proper care with photographic work. It is an art on a par with drawing or sculpture and needs just the same amount of concentration and finesse.

'Head of the River 1845,' he said, seeing me look, and pointing first at the picture, then at the oar. 'I was Stroke, and I set the best pace that season.'

'Congratulations,' I said, conscious of a dryness in my tone. 'You are undoubtedly a fine, athletic fellow and all should bow their heads to you.'

He laughed. 'You are hard on me, as always. But you must allow a man a little justifiable pride from time to time.' He smoothed his impressive set of whiskers in a smug manner.

'Must I?' I said, with as straight a face as I could manage. 'When we both know pride is the worst of sins?'

He looked at me as if to ascertain if I were serious, and I continued with my solemn look. Although I did not care a jot if he was (or was not) proud of his rowing achievements, it seemed to me that if he accepted the seven sins as deadly, it was logical to have a healthy respect for them.

'You are right of course,' he said after a while, his face almost comically full of self-reproach. 'I am a proud man a vain man, in fact. It is a terrible failing and one I fight against every day. Forgive me, John.'

'Oh, it's not for me to forgive,' I said, airily. 'You'll need to ask for mercy in a very different quarter.'

'Yes, yes, of course. And I will again add it to my nightly prayers.' He seemed fl.u.s.tered, and I thought again how easily he was put off his stride. 'It wasn't meant as a boast, you know,' he said with a wry smile. 'Just a pa.s.sing remark. But, as usual, some pernickety person takes it up and makes much of it.' He ran his hand through his hair and in the good light I noticed for the first time how brown it was, how deeply wavy. 'You see what you have done, John. I am now filled with guilt.'

'Are you? Oh, dear,' I said. 'And a guilty man is no better than a stoker.'

'And why is that?'

'Well, they both heap up coals of fire all day.'

He laughed. 'You say the most absurd things, John. But you always make me think that's what I like. You always bring me back to the point.'

'Glad to be of service,' I said, wis.h.i.+ng he would come to the point and take me to meet his children.

As if he had read my mind, he suddenly brightened and said, 'Come, I must introduce you to my wife. She is most anxious to meet you.' To my relief, he took off his quilted jacket and donned his clerical coat, straightening his stock and smoothing his hair back, running a hand along his whiskers.

'And am I to meet your daughters too?'

'I have asked them to join us for tea. I will show you my son, first. It's de rigueur, even though you are not a devotee of boy-children.'

He ushered me across the hall and into the splendid drawing room, furnished in the same plush way, the glitter of mirrors and the green of potted plants being much in evidence. I was nervous, as always, when entering a lady's domain and hardly dared raise my eyes to take in more detail.

'Evelina, my dear, this is the Reverend John Jameson, the clerical friend I have spoken so much about, the one who keeps me from your side every Wednesday evening, and keeps me on the straight and narrow every day. John, may I present my wife?'

I could see the pattern in the brocade of the chaise, and the small boots peeping out of the frilled hem of Mrs Baxter's deep green gown as she reclined along it. I raised my eyes and there was a delicate and beautiful lady, with pearly skin, thick dark hair, and remarkably bright eyes. She was much more youthful than I expected, and, seeing her look so fondly at her husband, with his manly bearing and glossy head of hair, and seeing him hold her glance in return, I could sense that their marriage was not simply one of true minds, but was still alive with the breath of conjugal pa.s.sion. Of course, I could not put from my mind what Baxter had told me of his nightly struggles and, as she turned her eyes to mine, I immediately had an image of her sitting up in bed in her white nightgown. It was most awkward and I felt quite unpleasantly hot, but I made an effort of will and, to my relief, the impertinent image disappeared.

Mrs Baxter held out an ivory hand. 'How do you do, Mr Jameson? I have tried hard to forgive you for taking my husband from me for so many hours, but I regret to say that I have not yet succeeded. You will need to work very hard to gain my favour.' And she gave me what I felt was almost a flirtatious smile. At which point my tongue became a tortured ball of string, which filled my mouth and would not unravel. I took her hand and nodded, making a dreadful half-choking sound which I hoped would be taken for a heartfelt a.s.sent.

She must have taken it as such, because she laughed and said, 'Excellent.'

Such was my discomfort, I was unsure I could maintain the required level of civilized conversation through the whole of teatime. But I was saved by the arrival of young Benjamin Baxter, brought down from the upper regions by his nursemaid to spend half an hour with his progenitors. The nurse was a sensible body of about thirty, and she seemed both modest and conscientious. She also spoke of her other charge, and my ears p.r.i.c.ked up. 'Miss Daisy has learned a poem she would like to recite to you,' she said. 'But she wasn't expecting visitors to be here.'

'It will be good practice for her,' said the vicar. 'She must learn to accommodate a larger audience than her parents if she is to learn the art of public speaking. Mr Jameson is a connoisseur of verse, so he will be well-placed to offer his comments on her performance.'

'Well, p-perhaps not yet,' I added, afraid I would predispose the little girl to dislike me by first encountering me in the role of critic. 'It might make her shy. I will listen, but I won't interfere.'

'I'll tell her, then, shall I, that there'll be an extra gentleman but not to take no notice of him.' The nurse gave me a droll look.

'Exactly. I like it b-best when I am not noticed,' I said, and I got up and moved myself to a place behind Mrs Baxter's chair where I was partly in the shadow of the curtain.

I could hardly contain my excitement at the prospect of seeing the little girl. Of course, I said to myself, she might be ugly, or lame or sickly, or, even worse, spoiled. But I had a strong premonition that she would be as delightful as I had imagined. With a handsome father like Baxter, and a beauty for a mother, I felt she must surely have the best of attributes. I was not mistaken. When the door opened and the nurse ushered her in, I beheld the most graceful and charming of children small-boned, delicate, with pale skin and wonderful dark, rather wild-looking hair. She looked like a fairy creature, a fawn. She seemed made for the meadows and woods of the Garden of Eden, where, like our first forefathers, she could walk naked and innocent. But of course she was heavily clothed, as is our regrettable fas.h.i.+on. A blue cotton dress and a substantial embroidered pinafore obscured the childish curves of her arms and neck, and her well-shaped little legs were covered in dark woollen stockings. She was very self-possessed, however, and without a glance at me, approached her mother and handed her a book before taking up her position in the middle of the room.

'Off you go,' said Baxter, with a smile.

'"How Doth the Little Busy Bee", by Isaac Watts,' she announced, folding her hands in front of her in the approved cla.s.sroom manner. I groaned inwardly. I dislike that poem with its mincing plat.i.tudes, but I was still keen to see how Daisy would perform it. She fixed her eyes on some spot out of the window and began. Both Mr and Mrs Baxter nodded with approval, and I buried the urge to laugh as Daisy metrically informed us of her need to keep permanently busy in case Satan found mischief for idle hands to do.

I looked at Daisy's sweet face, her little hands, and thought how unlikely it would be for such a child to be doing any serious mischief in the world, and how wrong it was that she should be preoccupied with imaginary sins in this way, spouting sickening cant about work and duty, and devoting herself to stultifying dullness. How natural and enjoyable it would be for her to cast off the chains of duty and propriety that Society was forcing on her, and to do exactly as she wished in the short golden time of childhood, before she was obliged to conform to the absurd rules and regulations of adult life. Even then I determined to devote my powers to this end: Daisy would know what it was to have days of enchantment; to know amus.e.m.e.nt and freedom and laughter; to explore the wild ways of the imagination. Of course, in order to do so, I would need to have her to myself and that would not be easy to bring about.

With the fourth verse, Daisy's recitation came to an end, and she executed a deep curtsey, her face flushed with relief, her cheeks dimpling with pleasure. The nurse, I saw from the corner of my eye, clapped her hands discreetly together, and Mrs Baxter handed back the book saying, 'Well done! Word perfect.'

'Nettie helped me,' said the child, giving the nurse a grateful glance.

'Then well done, Nettie, too,' said Mrs Baxter, somewhat languidly.

'But we won't let ourselves become too proud, will we?' said Baxter, rising and placing his hand on his daughter's shoulder. 'It is only a recitation and there is much more of worth to be striven for in this life.'

I thought this speech somewhat rich after our conversation in the study, and for the first time thought it might be possible that Daniel Baxter was a hypocrite. I also noted that the child's pleasure in her achievement was on the instant undermined, and that her face fell. To be frank, I could have wrung her father's neck. But I was immediately put into a mixture of confusion and ecstasy as he steered her towards me. 'Daisy, this is Mr John Jameson, a good friend of mine, and a very clever man. I hope we will be seeing much more of him at the vicarage.'

'How do you do, sir?' she said politely, holding out her hand.

'I do very well as it happens. How do you do?'

'Very well, too.' But she looked somewhat disconcerted, and quickly pulled back the hand I was holding so reverently in mine. I was afraid that she did not like me. Many people don't at first acquaintance. I could see that I would need to develop a repertoire of suitable distractions if I was to overcome this antipathy: I would need to practise words and actions that would appeal to a child's mind. Puzzles, perhaps, or jokes or some of my little inventions. I opened my mouth to say more to her, but she was gone, whisked away by the nursemaid. I gathered she would not be joining us for tea.

The rest of the afternoon was very much an anti-climax. The older girls were duly brought in and presented to me, but I could see they were the sort that would have no time for a plain and awkward fellow such as myself, and, frankly, I returned the compliment. They were handsome, certainly, but they were rather haughty and somewhat pleased with their new-found womanly charms, and in their presence I blushed and found that my stammer redoubled. They clearly thought this circ.u.mstance amusing, and exchanged several smiles and even sn.i.g.g.e.rs when their parents were not attending. 'Some j-jam, Mr J-Jameson?' one even whispered as she brought me a plate of bread-and-b.u.t.ter. I am usually unprepared to sanction rudeness in young people, and have a selection of withering replies for any undergraduate who steps even slightly out of line, but I did not feel that insulting his older daughters would be the best way to insert myself into Baxter's intimate household. So I nodded and looked meek. I felt the Baxter ladies all regarded me with a kind of condescending pity, and from that day onward I did nothing to counter that judgement.

2.

MARGARET CONSTANTINE.

I've been married now for exactly seven weeks and two days. But life is not at all how I imagined it would be.

I've been busy, of course, doing all the things a new wife should do. I've inspected every room in the rectory, including the broom cupboard and the wash-house; I've counted every jar of preserve and pickle in the larder and made a note of the quant.i.ty in the household book Robert has given me; I've checked every silver knife, spoon and fork in the pantry, and made a note of them too; I've counted the sheets and pillow-slips a dozen times, and then the tablecloths, tray-cloths, napkins and towels, noting as I go; I've made little lavender bags to hang in the closets to keep away moths, and I've embroidered initials on all my husband's handkerchiefs; I've spoken to Cook in the mornings and arranged the day's menus in minute detail; and every day, whether it's fine or not, I've walked in the garden, inspecting the fruit and the vegetables.

In addition, I've spent two whole days unpacking the wedding presents. I've set out the new ornaments on the mantelpiece and the piano, and moved them around until I am satisfied. And then, not being satisfied at all, I've moved them again. I've carefully mounted the photographs we had taken for our wedding in the alb.u.m Robert has bought for the purpose, and I've shown them to him after supper when we've sat in the drawing room together. I've written long letters of thanks to all who kindly sent us presents, and I've answered all the congratulatory notes that have welcomed me to my new home. I've noted who has left visiting cards and, on selected afternoons, I've chosen fas.h.i.+onable new outfits from my trousseau and taken the carriage to leave my own card in return. I've written every other day to my mother and sisters, and once a week to my brother Benjamin, who is still at school. I've written as often as is reasonable to my dear friends, Annie, Enid and Emma. And when I've completely exhausted every possibility of duty and entertainment, and my husband is still busy in his study with his sermons, I've sat at the window-seat in the upstairs drawing room, looking over the yew trees in the churchyard, reading the latest novel about love.

In spite of all this housewifely activity, I can't help feeling that the house belongs more to my husband than to me. In my more rational moments I know this is not Robert's fault. After all, he has been established here at St Aidan's for almost a year, and he has his ways and patterns already in place. He's all ease and familiarity as he walks around, and has a purpose in all he does; whereas I feel awkward and unsure, and have no one with whom to confide my uncertainties. I can't confide in Robert; I feel too foolish. Besides, there are other, more difficult, matters that occupy the ground between us. But I'm embarra.s.sed to find that the servants seem to know my husband's preferences better than I do: when he likes to be convivial and when he likes to be quiet; his dislike of fuss, and his desire, on the whole, to be left alone during the day, a period that has seemed longer and longer when I have only myself for company. Robert has been generous: he has given me carte blanche to make whatever changes I wish. Anything, he says, that will make me happy. He wants me to be happy he wants both of us to be happy. He holds my hands and kisses me to show how much he wants it. And of course I want it too.

But this afternoon I've had an exciting diversion. I've come the six miles right into Oxford, to the house where I was brought up and more particularly, to the attic nursery where I spent a large part of my childhood. It's bare now, the furniture gone. But in the middle of the room is a large toy-chest. It was left behind when my family moved out a month ago, and now, by a kind of default, it has come to me. An inheritance, almost although Mama doesn't appear to have attached much value to it. Indeed, it was only last week that she even remembered to tell me of its existence and then in a hasty postscript to a letter full of other matters to do with her settling back in Herefords.h.i.+re.

I am very sorry, but the box was overlooked in the general frenzy and only discovered at the eleventh hour, covered in old carpets. I glanced inside, naturally, but it was so packed with childish rubbish that I found it impossible to do more than sift through what was on the top; and with the removal men gone and the carriage to take us to the station practically at the door, I decided not to have it sent on. Your brother is not interested in toys any more and Christiana and Charles hardly wish to be reminded of the fact that they have no children. I had half a mind to let Mr Arbuthnot have it after all, he has five offspring, and it would save the expense of moving it. But then I saw you had written your name on it although it was almost too faint to see without my spectacles and your writing was never very clear so I suppose it is yours. And as I hope you and Robert will enjoy the good fortune of having an infant of your own in the near future, it makes sense for you to see if there is anything to salvage. In my opinion, it is mostly jumble things that should have been got rid of long ago. But then, if I remember rightly, you were a child who never threw anything away.

Mama manages as usual to sound disapproving towards me, as if the mere existence of the toy-box is my fault, and its late appearance in the removal schedule were deliberately engineered by me. But I thought it would prove a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, so here I am, up in the nursery at Westwood Gardens, with a meagre fire in the grate and two hours to sift through what remains of my childhood memories. My initial delight at the prospect of a diversion from my housewifely routine has faded a little. Even entering the house again has made me feel apprehensive. I stare at the box. It's years since I've opened it and I don't remember at all what's inside.

Other memories are clear, though. This room, for example: I'm familiar with every inch of the sloping ceiling and the high view from the dormer window, right down to the garden below. And Nettie's gentle face is clear, too. I see her in my mind's eye, bending over me, putting on my petticoat and frock and patiently brus.h.i.+ng my hair. Nettie is part of this room, part of the best time of my childhood. She loved me in a way that no one else did. And I know that I was happier in this room than I have ever been even now, as a newly married wife, which everyone has told me is the pinnacle of a woman's joy and aspiration.

I pull my shawl around my shoulders. The house feels damp. It's been closed up for some weeks, of course. There was some difficulty about the appointment of my father's successor, the circ.u.mstances of his life being somewhat unusual, but now it's all settled. My brother-in-law has been relieved of his position and Mr Arbuthnot has sent his housemaid in advance to clean and air the property. Yesterday, pa.s.sing the house en route for the draper's shop on an errand for some new cus.h.i.+on material, I saw the upstairs sash windows had been opened wide and that a steady stream of smoke was coming from the kitchen chimney. So I sent a note and today the servant has let me in, saying she 'supposed it was all right', before grudgingly lighting the fire with three sticks and four small pieces of coal. I forbore to say that it was my mother's coal she was being so frugal with. There seemed to be little point in making her even crosser.

I stand for a while, looking at the box. There's my childhood name on the lid: Daisy Baxter, written in chalk. And then: Private. I can't remember writing it. And the word 'private' brings an uncomfortable warmth to the back of my neck. What secrets could I have had in those days that I so much needed to protect? And is it right to uncover them now? But, all the same, I kneel down and unclasp the lid, letting it drop backwards on its hinges. The chest is full to the brim, just as Mama said. In fact, things start to fall out immediately. There are pieces of paper galore: old drawings, attempts at French and mathematics, exercises in syntax, dreadful poems by the dozen. I sit back and smile at my creations, examining them one by one before piling them up on the floor beside me. Under the schoolwork I find jigsaw puzzles and games and, below them, a large store of reading matter: children's books, nursery rhymes and fairy stories, all very well-thumbed some so much so that their binding is coming adrift. Everything is very tightly packed and it's awkward to dislodge even a single object, but I persevere tugging out each new thing, turning it over, and placing it on the rug beside me until I'm sitting in a sea of childhood reminiscence.