Pure Dead Brilliant Part 15

A RIGHT NUMPTY: Presumably the opposite of a left numpty. This quaint insult translates approximately as "a complete idiot" and is much bandied around in barrooms to the detriment of all and sundry, bar fittings and fixtures, and, in due course, the police cells into which the numpties are dragged. p.r.o.nounced numb-tay, but if you could squeeze the "p" in the middle without adding another syllable, it would sound more authentic.

ROBERT THE BRUCE, BOB THE BRUTE: More formally known as King Robert I of Scotland (A.D. 12741329). Legend has it that at a particularly low point in his military career, Bob spent several freezing months hiding in a cave in the wilds of Scotland, and was hugely encouraged by the sight of a tiny spider struggling to build a web. Twice the fragile structure was blown away by the kinds of winds common in Scottish caves, but on the spider's third attempt, the web held. From this, Robert the Bruce was to draw the conclusion that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." But, hey, we know better, don't we? The true moral of this tale is "two legs bad, eight legs good, but never travel without a spare Band-Aid."

RUMTOPF: Rumtopf is a Northern European delicacy, usually eaten at Christmas as a rather superior form of dessert. It consists of layers of strawberries, gooseberries, black currants, figs, and peaches, but since each successive layer is preserved by submersion in brandy, it's the kind of food that should have a health warning writ large upon it. p.r.o.nounced rum-taw-pfff.

SANG DI DRACO: Not a vampire's lament, but literally translated as "blood of dragon." p.r.o.nounced sang dee drack-oh.

SETTLE: Wooden bench seat with back. Spectacularly uncomfortable, thus ensuring that guests do not linger in one's Great Hall. p.r.o.nounced seh-till.

SOLE VeRONIQUE: Heaven on a plate. Take a skinned sole, poach gently in mixture of one gla.s.s of white wine, juice of half a lemon, large spoonful of chopped parsley, about six black peppercorns, one chopped shallot, smear of b.u.t.ter, pinch of salt, and cook until the flesh is just growing opaque in color. Reserve liquor from fish (discarding soggy shallot and parsley into compost bucket) and keep fish covered and warm. Still with me? Good. Now comes the tricky bit. Peel and de-seed twelve green grapes (aaaargh), and fold them into veloute. Pour sauce over fish and devour immediately. p.r.o.nounced (with enormous pride, especially if you've just cooked it) sohl vay-row-neek.

SOUL MIRROR: A mind-reading device employed by Mrs. McLachlan in Pure Dead Wicked. Also known by the name of I'Mat.

VALE: Ancient Roman valediction/way of saying good-bye. As in "Vale, Caledon," meaning, in context, "Good-bye, Caledon, fnurk, fnurk." Prounouced vah-lay and not to be confused with valet.

WHEENS OF METAL FILINGS: Translates as "loads of metal filings" in engine oil. This indicates that the driver of the car has thrashed it beyond its capabilities, thus stripping particles of metal off the pistons. p.r.o.nounced just the way it reads.

WOAD: A dye made from plant of same name and used by ancient Celts to adorn their bodies and frighten Roman invaders. p.r.o.nounced woe-d.

YIN: Not to be confused with yin and yang, but referring to the number one. p.r.o.nounced yih-n.

YOUSE: Plural of you. One wonders if medieval Glaswegians also said "thou" and "thouse"? p.r.o.nounced yoo-z.

For Rosemary Sandberg, and about time too.

THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF.

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