Calahan's Con Part 16

Tony frowned. "Chollie," he said, "you make me real sad, talkin' this s.h.i.+t." His voice began to rise in volume and lower in pitch. "I come to ya like a man, wit respect, I give ya somethin better than any guy ever worked for ya in ya mizzable life, somethin the Old Men'll kiss your a.s.s for, and ya wanna screw me?" He was shouting by now. "Me?"

"Who else is here?"

"G.o.d d.a.m.n it," Tony said. "This ain't right, an you know it, Chollie. This is bulls.h.i.+t."

"You don't know what I know," Charlie Ponte said, and the way he said it made even Tony Donuts in a rage take notice. "Okay, fine," Tony said. "Play it like that. Tell Vinnie behind me ta shoot me."

Charlie said nothing.

Tony turned around to face Vinnie. Vinnie's pistol was out, but pointed at the ceiling. "If you shoot me with that," Tony told him, "I won't kill you."

"You won't?" Vinnie couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Nah." Tony shook his head. "I'll nail both your feet ta the floor. Then I'll go kill your wife, your kids, your parents, an your girlfriend."

The blood drained from Vinnie's face.

"Shoot him, Vinnie," Charlie Ponte said.

Vinnie closed his eyes, took a deep breath, opened them again, took his stance, and fired. The shot sounded like a smoker spitting out a tobacco flake.

The round missed Tony by five inches. It drilled a fairly neat hole through the gla.s.s door, which failed to explode into a million shards, because it had not been made by a prop department, and then another hole through the backyard fence.

"Vinnie," Charlie said.

Vinnie sighed. "Sorry, Boss," he said. "I really like my mom." He put the barrel of his gun in his mouth. But before he could pull the trigger, his eyes rolled up in his head and he fainted.

Tony, Charlie, and one of the other goons all said "Whoa!" at once. The second goon said, "f.u.c.k me runnin'." Ida said nothing. Then there was a pause of five seconds, silent except for the sounds of Vinnie falling down, before Tony Donuts said, "Ya see? People start breakin bad, who knows what's gonna happen? Why don't we just do the right thing, here? Have we got a deal, or not?"

"Look at it from where I'm sittin' a minute," said Charlie. "You want ten huge. I say why. You say I got the Fountain a Ute. I say how do I know that? You say, look at this kid, I swear she was older yesterday. You see my problem here, Tony? Due respect, how do I know your head isn't up your a.s.s? No offense."

Tony snorted and regained his grip on Ida's shoulder. "You talked with this b.i.t.c.h. Look at her. You think she's a kid?" Charlie considered this. Ida looked him square in the eye.

"Come on, you think a midget actor is gonna be that cool after somebody gets shot next to her?"

Charlie shook his head like a horse shaking off flies. "I gotta have more."

"Fine," said Ida. She bent and fiddled with her socks, making sure the cuffs around her ankles didn't touch her skin; they must chafe. Then she turned to the goon she could see and said, loudly and clearly, "I'm going to take a bottle of water from my f.a.n.n.y pack." She moved with slow deliberation, took the bottle out with a thumb and two fingers.

Tony smiled broadly. "There you go. Now we'll get this show on the road. Watch her close, Chollie. You, too, pal."

She held up the bottle and sloshed it, showing Charlie the inch or so of water it had left in it. "Point that thing away from me. You're going to flinch in a second," she said to the goon, and waited until he complied.

"Save a little taste for Chollie," Tony suggested.

"No," Ida said. Then she drank the bottle dry.

Tony had to give it up for Charlie-he kept his poker face. He must have seen some amazing s.h.i.+t in his life. But the capo's swarthy complexion did lighten by a half shade.

"f.u.c.k me on a pogo stick," said the visible goon, and the one who was supposed to be hidden in the dining room said, "Basta."

Ida was about two years old. The yellow shorts and top combination looked like a ludicrously overlarge bell-bottomed jumpsuit now.

"What I tell ya?" Tony said triumphantly.

Ida cinched her belt tighter and rolled up her pant legs. It helped considerably. She still looked a little silly, but no longer looked hilarious. She stepped carefully out of the socks and handcuffs that were now way too big for her ankles, looked up at Charlie Ponte, took a deep breath, and did a cartwheel-beautifully. Then she struck a ballet pose, stood on one leg, and did six quick turns. "The body is a baby's," she said-her voice was several tones higher now, but recognizable. "But as you can see, the brain running it already knows how to walk. And think."

"I get it, I get it," said Charlie.

She nodded. "I'll leave you gentlemen to finalize your business, then. Which way are the facilities?"

The men all looked at each other.

"I have to pee."

The goon blocking the hallway entrance stepped aside. "Second onna right," he mumbled.

"There a window in that c.r.a.pper?" Charlie asked. "Nah."

"Okay. Make sure she comes back."

After Ida and her elephantine baby-sitter had left the room, n.o.body said anything for a while. Finally Tony said, "Well, Chollie? Whaddya say? We doin this or what?" Charlie filled his chest and emptied it. "Sure."

"Ahright," Tony said happily. "So how do I get it? You don't got it here witcha."

It was phrased as a statement, not a question, so Charlie did not allow himself to be insulted by the implication that he might be stupid enough to place himself in the same room as ten million dollars he could not account for and some a.s.shole who wasn't even a made guy. "Ya get outa here, ya get on One, goin Nort'. First McDonald's you can see the arches from the highway, you get off an go tru the drivetru. Tell 'em ya want the special order a donuts for Mr. Bridges."

Tony frowned. "They don't sell donuts at McDonald's."

Charlie's face remained expressionless, but his nostrils flared slightly. "That's right. So prolly n.o.body else is gonna order any tonight."

"Yeah?"

"So they'll be pretty sure you're the right guy ta give the ten million bucks to."

Comprehension washed over Tony's features. "Ah! I getcha. That's slick."

"It's in hundreds, so what's gonna get put in your trunk will be the size a ten packages a typin paper."

"Fine. Okay, as soon as the kid is done peein, I'm outa here. This time tomorrow, I'll call ya an give ya directions ta the Fountain."

"Tony," Charlie said, "don't take this wrong, ahright? I know you're a serious man. But when things get up to ten huge, I gotta say some s.h.i.+t, regardless if you was Einstein. It's like ya get onna plane, an the stewardess knows ya know how ta buckle a f.u.c.kin seat belt, cause you prolly didn't walk ta the airport, but she's gotta show ya anyway, just so her a.s.s is covered."

Tony shrugged. "Do what ya gotta do."

Charlie nodded. "Thank you. Here it is: If you f.u.c.k me on this, Tony, you better not stop runnin' till ya get ta Venus. It ain't just me. This is the Old Men's dough I'm givin' ya. You take their money and come back wit nothin' but your d.i.c.k in your hand, they'll have ya dyin' for the next year. Dogs in China are gonna hear ya scream, okay?"

Tony nodded nonchalantly. "Whatever. Hey, Ida. Wring it 'n' bring it, will ya? We got a lotta drivin ta do."

"How long ya think it'll take ya, this time a day?" Charlie asked.

"Nice try," said Ida, coming back from the bathroom just as Tony was about to answer.

"It was worth a shot," said Charlie.

"Yes, it was," she agreed.

"What the h.e.l.l are you guys talkin' about?" Tony asked.

"I'll explain it to you sometime," she said. "Let's go." And the two-year-old led the man-mountain back out to the car.

"Ya want me ta tail him, Boss?" asked the formerly hidden goon.

"Nah."

"You think when all this shakes out, I could get me some a that Ute Water, Boss? I make my old lady ten years younger, she might start puttin' out again. For me, I mean."

Charlie glowered at him. "What are you, stunatz? There's no f.u.c.kin' Fountain a Ute, ya moron."

The goon gaped, groped for words that would express his confusion without getting him killed. "But, Boss-I just seen that little girl turn into a baby, wit my own eye's. Din I?"

Withering glare. "h.e.l.lo? Ever hear a this F/X s.h.i.+t? Nowadays they can make ya see anything. Fuhgeddabout your own eyes, Aldo-lissena what your brain tells ya." He snorted and shook his large head. "Fountain a Ute. Come on, fachrissake."

Aldo thought he saw daylight. "Ah. So you ain't givin' him no ten huge. He get ta McDonald's, he goes inna meat locker."

Charlie shook his head. "I'm givin' him the money, a'right. What the f.u.c.k? It ain't my money."

Aldo gave up. "Then I don't get it."

"Tony's gettin stung. By real pros. So I'm just gonna sit back an' watch." He went to the kitchen sink, turned on the cold water, and let it run. "I hated that b.a.s.t.a.r.d's father so bad I had him hit, an' I'm still p.i.s.sed off. The son's as big a p.r.i.c.k as his papa, he even looks an' sounds like him. I don't just want him dead. I want him runnin' from the Old Men."

"Ahhhhh," said Aldo, and then, "But boss? Ain't they gonna be p.i.s.sed you gave their ten huge ta Tony for the Fountain a Ute?"

The Mafia chieftain poured himself a gla.s.s of cold water and shut the tap. "First place, what fountain? I never heard a no fountain. Tony wanted ten huge, he didn't say why, I thought it over an' I give it ta him. How did I know he was dumb enough ta get stung for it, on somethin' so ridiculous?" He drank some water. "Second place, they're gonna get back their money."

"How?"

Charlie took another long drink, poured out the rest, and set the empty gla.s.s down upside down on the Formica countertop. "Jesus, Aldo, think about it. Whoever's connin' him with those little kids, how far you think they're gonna get spendin' hundred-dollar bills wit serial numbers we got onna list? We got a lotta friends in banks. If those clowns spend five grand before we roll 'em up, I'll be f.u.c.kin' amazed."

Aldo was lost in admiration. "Jesus Christ, that's beautiful, boss."

"Uh-huh. Wake up Vinnie and clean up. We're out of here."

10.

WHO KNOWS WHERE OR WHEN?.

If it ain't one thing, it's two things.

-Grandfather Stonebender.

Oh, I'll probably have a lump for a while. But you can't hurt an Irishman by hitting him in the head." "You look great for your age, Daddy."

I winced and thanked my naked two-year-old daughter gravely. "And how are you feeling, princess?"

She grinned hugely. "Aw, you know me. I just hope adults enjoy adultery as much as I've enjoyed my infancy."

We were back in the car and moving with traffic, headed for the marina where the Flat Rock lay waiting for another chance to telescope my spinal column. The sun was low in the sky, but would probably last long enough for us to get under way, at least. Bill was driving, so that Erin and I could hug.

"So what's up with Tony?" I asked.

Her grin got even bigger. "He's driving north to Saint Augustine. He couldn't get his handcuffs to close tight enough to work on me, and he's one of those guys that hates to drive with the top up, so he solved the problem by tossing me in the trunk."

"Jesus, what an idiot!"

"Oh, you noticed? I wish I could see his face five hours from now, when he gets to the outskirts of Saint Gus and opens that trunk. I left him my clothes and a note that says, I had another sip hidden in the f.a.n.n.y pack."

Bill and I roared with laughter.

"I really enjoyed you at this age," I told her. "It's nice to see it again. You're a cuddly little armful."

"How am I at twenty-one?" she asked.

"The second most beautiful woman on the planet."

"How is Mom? Freaking out, right?"

"Roger that."

"You'd think she would have got it out of her system by now."

"If she was ever going to, she would have when you rode the Shuttle to orbit-"

"I'm gonna ride the Shuttle? Cool."

Oh. From her point of view, that hadn't happened yet. This was tricky stuff. "Yeah. Uh, maybe you better not ask why."

"Course not."

"I'm just saying you're right: it's always been irrational for your mother and me to worry about you. You came out of her womb more competent than the two of us put together. But two million years of hard wiring doesn't give a d.a.m.n about reason. I'm going to have to call her soon and let her know you're okay."

"I know, Daddy. It's flattering. And really sweet. If it makes you guys feel better to worry, you go right ahead. How are you and your friend getting home to Key West? How did you two get here so fast?"