Fallen - Child Of Mercy Part 19

Three hours later found me in the exact same position on the couch. I didn't feel particularly tired, more numb than anything, really. It was the baby kicking that got me up and moving around again. Going through the motions, I took a shower and forced myself to make a bagel. Once I started eating I quickly became ravenous, polis.h.i.+ng off a container of yogurt and a stale oatmeal cookie to boot (don't judge, oatmeal is a breakfast food).

A niggling, uneasy feeling plagued me under everything I did and after kicking around the apartment for another restless hour, I knew what I had to do.

Hardly knowing if he'd be awake so early, I drove to Parker's house, knocking on the back door once I saw the kitchen light on. Parker answered the door in a pair of flannel boxers and a t-s.h.i.+rt, his hair still matted from sleep.

"This is a nice surprise," he smiled wide, holding the door open for me to enter. "What brings you over so bright and early?"

"I can't do it. I'm sorry," I blurted out, pus.h.i.+ng past him into the s.h.i.+ny, perfect kitchen.

"Can't do what?"

"I thought I could, but it would just be s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up three lives instead of fixing them."

"s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up whose lives?" His slack jaw showed he wasn't tracking my part of the conversation very well and I let out a long breath.

"I can't marry you, Parker. You deserve so much more than I have to give."

Understanding dawned, and with it came a furrow to his brow. "That's for me to decide, isn't it? I happen to think I'd be lucky to have you."

"No, I can't let you put your life on hold for me on the off chance I might learn to love you. We're setting ourselves up for failure and dragging Bunny into it in the bargain."

"We talked about this before, Mercy, and you were fine with it. What's got you all in a tizzy over it?"

"Adam came to see me last night," I admitted, a ribbon of guilt slicing through me even though it wasn't like I'd done anything wrong. Parker jumped to his own conclusions though, his face twisting into a scowl.

"So, that's what this is about. He snaps his fingers and you go running back to him. You could have said so, Merce. You didn't have to make out like you're doing me this big favor because you care about me so much," he replied bitterly and I laid my hand on his arm, sending him a burst of soothing Grace.

"No, it wasn't like that. I told Adam to leave, that I deserved better."

"You did?" he blinked. "I don't get it, then what's the problem?"

"That's just it, Parker, don't you see? We both deserve better. We both deserve someone to love who will love us back and be there no matter what. I know how you feel about me, but what if I never feel the same way?"

"I told you, I'm willing to take whatever you give me." He laid his hand over mine, his voice softening.

"What if I can't live with myself knowing you made that kind of a sacrifice for me?"

"You can't live your life based on what ifs, you'll drive yourself nuts. There are no guarantees in life, you have to play the cards you're dealt and make the best of them. That's all I want to do, Merce, make the best of both our lives."

"What if someday you decide that's not enough?" I pressed, unwilling to drop it.

Parker's head canted to one side. "You honestly don't feel anything for me?"

That wasn't true. Part of me definitely felt something when he kissed me. Part of me could very easily learn to love Parker, but it was a small part for the time being and he deserved a whole woman. I knew what I had to do or he'd keep nursing the hope that I'd change my mind. "No, I love you as a friend, nothing more."

I watched the play of emotions over his face as Parker went through hurt and disappointment to resignation. "Fine, then stay here with me, as a friend."

"Move in here with you anyway?" Was he serious?

"Yeah, why not? You still need help with the baby on the way and I've got the s.p.a.ce all decked out for you. You already gave your landlord notice on your apartment, right?"

There were so many problems with that suggestion I wasn't sure where to begin. "Parker..."

"No, hear me out," he interrupted, taking my hand in his. "I know you want to be strong and on your own, and you don't want to be a burden and all that s.h.i.+t, but I need this too. Do you think I did all of this for me?" He gestured to the modern kitchen, a cook's dream. "Every time I went to those appointments with you, they talked to me like I was the father, like I was a real part of your life, and I just... I want that. I want to share this with you, Merce. I want to be there when she's born and for her first tooth and her first bike ride. I want to do all those normal things you do with kids that I missed out on the first time around. Don't marry me if you don't want to, but don't cut me out of her life too."

I saw the naked emotion behind his eyes, how much he wanted to be a part of our lives and I felt my resolve crumble. "So, we'd skip the wedding and I just move in here with you. Like roommates."

"More than roommates, I'm hoping." His smile returned as he sensed I wasn't completely rejecting his offer. "But I can wait until you're ready."

"With separate bedrooms."

"For as long as you want." He tugged me closer and I couldn't help but notice how well the unshaven look suited him.

"Friends..."

"Friends," he repeated, fingers brus.h.i.+ng along the tops of my arms, "with benefits."

"What kind of benefits?" My imagination was already running wild, involving the breakfast bar.

His gaze dropped to my lips. "I can kiss you whenever I want, not just when angry policewomen are present."

The corner of my mouth twitched before I forced myself not to smile. "Not at work though, that wouldn't be appropriate."

"Whenever I want," he repeated, our breath mingling as he stopped a hair's breadth away from my mouth.

"Kissing is definitely negotiable," I murmured against his lips, the last of my self-discipline falling away.

"Whenever I want." Parker's mouth took possession of mine, wooing me with a slow, deliberate kiss until I would have promised him anything. Instead, he pulled back with a satisfied grin. "Until you tell me not to."

"Deal," I breathed, taking a moment to collect myself. "But if it gets weird, I'm leaving."

"Deal." His grin stretched wider. "Now, how about some eggs?"

Chapter Nineteen.

I moved in the next day. Or at least, I started to. It took a lot of little trips to haul my stuff over there, so it ended up being over a week later by the time I had everything out of the apartment. It turned out Matty didn't take my furniture after all since he was on the Vegas kick, but the Veterans' charity organization came to pick it all up for me. I was sad to see the fake leather sofa go, I'd spent many a happy hour on it, but it was nice to think about it going to a good cause. Ditto with my bed (the bed in Parker's spare room had a much nicer mattress), and most of my other furniture. Besides my boxes of stuff, the only real furniture I brought with me was my dining set. Even though it was far too small for his formal dining room, it was better than nothing.

Parker insisted I could put my stuff anywhere I liked because he wanted me to make myself at home. I loved, loved, loved the big kitchen, using every inch of counter s.p.a.ce when the baking bug hit me. I never realized how sucky my old kitchen was until I got spoiled by the modern appliances. Like the ice maker. Anytime you want it, ice at the press of a b.u.t.ton. I get that most people have been hip to that convenience for a while, but for those of us who lived in older apartment buildings, it was like stepping into the future.

For the most part it was just like when we hung out before, only I didn't go home at night, instead I went upstairs to bed. Parker didn't try to put the moves on me anymore than he had before, despite his ability to 'kiss me whenever he wanted'. All in all, I have to say it was kinda nice to have someone share things with. Someone to cook for and watch TV with.

And Nelo, he loved the new place. Parker gave him the entire bas.e.m.e.nt as his own demon pad, which suited Nelo fine. Parker promised to fix it up with drywall and carpet eventually after the common s.p.a.ces were done. Nelo was in no hurry. He didn't mind the unfinished floors or the concrete walls. With blackout curtains on the windows and a big fluffy dog bed on the floor, he was in demon heaven.

I could tell Parker wasn't used to having the little guy around all the time, but he didn't appear uncomfortable at all. I figured it was good practice for him for when Bunny got older, fielding Nelo's random questions. After a few days we settled into a fairly normal routine. Nelo took up his usual ch.o.r.es around the house and even a.s.sisted Parker with some of the easier tasks, like sanding and painting. Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've walked in on your boss/boyfriend and his trusty demon helper whistling along with cartoons on the television while they painted window casings.

Mimsy was another story. She set one foot in the place and hissed, retreating to the safety of the cat carrier. No amount of coaxing or tuna could get her to come out and explore the house. In the end, we put her down in Nelo's s.p.a.ce until she got used to the place and they both seemed happy with the arrangement.

For the first Totally Awesome Tuesday, my usual day off, Parker was at work when Daphne came over. After giving her the fifty cent tour, we settled into the cozy living room to watch a movie about killer robots from outer s.p.a.ce.

She'd taken the news about calling the wedding off harder than I thought she would, but we hadn't had much of a chance to talk about it since. I hadn't told her about my visit from Adam yet.

"Isn't it weird, living here with Parker after cancelling the wedding and everything?" she asked after we had the popcorn between us.

"You'd think it would be, but so far it's not. Parker's been... just like normal." I had zero complaints.

"Except that he loves you."

"But he's not being all googly eyed and lovey, that's the difference. He's giving me s.p.a.ce, which is exactly what I need right now. And we're definitely getting closer," I admitted, telling her about his kissing clause in our agreement, sensing it would appeal to her sense of the romantic.

"Then you are starting to have those kinds of feelings for him, I knew it!" She grinned in vindication.

"I'm not made of stone, Daph. He's a very good kisser." I allowed myself a dreamy sigh.

"So why not marry him and do the family thing?"

"Because I only want to get married once and I want it to be for love, not necessity."

Daphne was silent for a few minutes as we watched the movie. "You're still holding out on Adam returning, is that it?"

I had to tell her. "Actually, I saw Adam last week."

Daphne grabbed for the remote, pausing the movie. "Spill," she demanded.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell her about it, I just didn't like talking about the conversation at all. It was heartbreaking to relive it all in detail, so I summed it up the best I could. "Adam showed up to say we should get back together again."

"Oh Mercy, that's wonderful!"

I held my hand up before she picked up too much steam. "In the Ether only. He still doesn't want to risk being together in the real world."

"What did you say? Is that why you called off the wedding? Because you're seeing Adam in the Ether?"

"No, of course not. I couldn't do that to Parker." Not that he'd ever know about it. All he'd realize was that I spent too much time sleeping, but I'd know, and I wasn't the type to keep an angel on the side.

"Couldn't do that to Parker... what about Adam? How could you say no to him?"

I realized if Sam made her the same offer she would've jumped at the chance. Maybe he should have, they could've been somewhat happy I suppose, but it wasn't for me. "I can't do that, Daphne. I have our baby to think about. I can't spend all my time in another reality. I laid it all out on the line. I told him he had to either make a commitment to me and the baby or leave and never come back."

"What did he say?" Her eyes grew wide and I shook my head.

"He left."

"Oh Mercy, I'm so sorry." Her pretty blue eyes filled with tears, and I think it had to do a little more with her own abandonment issues than my situation.

"It's alright, I'll be fine. I told you, it's better to make a clean break and move on. All that pining, waiting for him to show... that was the worst part, I'm glad it's over. Who says I need a man to be happy anyway?"

"What are you going to tell Bunny about him?"

"I have no idea. I guess it'll depend on whether or not she turns out to be a normal little girl or if there's something... different about her." I couldn't say monstrous, not about my own child, not anymore. "For all I know she'll be born knowing what she is and where she comes from."

"I never thought of that before," Daphne murmured, deep in thought.

"I've had plenty of time to explore theories." I patted my hand against my middle. In the end I'd had to leave it all behind and hope for the best.

"Hey, speaking of time, you're running out of it to pick a name. Have you made any decisions yet, or are you sticking with Bunny?"

"No, I'm not mean enough to do that to her," I laughed, reaching for the pad of paper I kept on the little table by my side of the couch. Whenever I saw a name I liked from movies or whatever, I jotted it down. "Here's the short list."

We restarted the movie, and I added to the list a bit, nothing I was really serious about though, unless I wanted to name my daughter after a s.l.u.tty robot or a dumb bimbo. Daphne begged off watching the third movie, opting to head for home, and I admit, I wasn't in a lather to watch it either.

When Parker came home, he joined me on the couch, and it was my turn to treat him to a shoulder ma.s.sage since he'd been the one to work all night. He might have magic fingers, but I had the benefit of my Grace to heal the aches and pains from a long day at the club.

"Am I allowed to tell you how awesome you are?" he sighed contentedly.

"Me or my hands?"

"All of you, but your hands are exceptionally awesome." He kissed the back of one of my hands, and then the other before craning his neck to steal a quick kiss.

"You're in a good mood tonight."

"Why shouldn't I be? I've got my two best girls here," he said, rubbing my belly gently. Then he raised his bottle and set it on the table. "I've got a beer in hand, and business is good. It doesn't get a whole lot better than this."

"I can think of one way." I leaned closer for a brief kiss, but Parker didn't let me get away so easily. He did a much more thorough job of it before he released me.

"I stand corrected. You can make my day better anytime you want, darlin'."

"I'll let you in on a little secret." My hands slipped lower, brus.h.i.+ng across the solid planes of his chest. "I think you're pretty awesome yourself."

"Really..." He quirked a brow, turning this body into my touch, his hand sliding across my belly to rest against my hip as he positioned himself for another kiss. "Let me ask you this," he said against my lips, but it was long seconds before he stopped kissing long enough to pose the question. "If you're awesome... and I'm awesome..." Barely aware of whatever point he was making, I was far more interested in what his hands were doing. "Doesn't it make sense we would be awesome together?"

"Very awesome," I nodded, my head falling to one side as he nibbled down the side of my jaw to my ear.

"Let me know if I'm out of line here, I don't want to pressure you." Despite the words, he kept up his tender a.s.sault, teeth catching hold of my earlobe as his hands continued to explore.

"No, you're fine." I sucked in a breath as his thumb brushed over my sensitive b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I felt pressure alright. Not from him, but rather building between us as I let my hands roam as well.

"You know," he continued a path down the side of my neck, pausing to lave his tongue over the hollow at my collar bone. "There are all kinds of awesome. It doesn't have to be all or nothing."

"You don't say." I let my fingers graze lower, a thrill going through me as I felt his sharp intake of breath against my throat. We were heading towards dangerous territory, but I didn't want to stop, not yet.

"Mmm, I do, I definitely do. How about we settle for some PG-13 awesome?"

"How awesome is that?"