The Edge Of The World Part 1

The Edge of the World.

Christina Schwarz.

For Ben and Nicky.

and in memory of Margaret Meyer, who walked on her own feet, and Scout.

Jane.

1977.

I'M NOT GOING to let on I was born here. People always ask what it was like to grow up in a lighthouse, and then they're disappointed by the answer. I'm not much of a storyteller. Anyway, growing up in a lighthouse isn't all that remarkable when you don't know anything different, and I didn't know anything different until I left Point Lucia at nineteen.

Which was in 1912. And I haven't been back since. Not that I wouldn't have been glad to visit, but it was a lot of trouble back then, back before Route 1 came through. I allowed the usual preoccupations-studying and teaching, marriage and children-to chivvy me on, away from the place of my childhood.

I wish that my grandson Danny and I could be climbing the morro alone now, without this straggling handful of tourists who, in their very charmlessness, remind me that Mrs. Swann is no longer at the top.

I remember the day she came to us from the sea. The mountains behind us were too tall and squeezed together to let anyone through, but the ocean before and below us was like a carpet and s.h.i.+ps slid past on it every day, some with big white sails stretching out in the wind, some puffing steam like a whale's spout.

My father was chief keeper, but Point Lucia was important enough to need three, and red-faced Mr. Finnegan went to Cuba to kill the Butcher, so we were getting someone new. We children hoped he would bring along more of our kind.

My brothers were first to see the tender, and then we all shouted, "The Madrone! The Madrone!" and ran to the edge of the morro.

"Stand back, Jane!" My sister took my hand, but I knew better than to fall off a mountain, so I s.n.a.t.c.hed my fingers away and stood where, straight below, the milky foam spilled around the black rocks.

The wind was blowing hard enough to lean on, and sometimes when the waves were that big, the tender would anchor and wait for better weather, so we were prepared for disappointment. Soon enough, though, the longboat full of barrels was dropped into the ocean. It was always a nervous thing, watching a longboat come in. Plenty of times it would swamp, and we would have to do without flour or sugar or library books or Christmas oranges.

We couldn't be certain until they'd rowed in a ways that the creature with a hat tied around her head was a lady. Childishly expecting Mrs. Swann to be a large white bird with the neck of an eel, like the letter "S" in my alphabet book, I was a bit let down. My father came with the spygla.s.s and held it for each of us in turn. The woman's face was covered with a cloth.

"She must be very ugly," one of my brothers whispered.

Gertrude Swann. Danny-I suppose I should call him Dan now, but grandmothers are forgiven these lapses-had come across her name in a book a.s.signed for one of his courses down in San Diego. Did I know, he asked when he phoned, that an early marine biologist had lived and worked at Point Lucia? A woman who studied the tide pools.

Of course I knew. I'd introduced her to her first anemone. Or at least one of my brothers or my sister had. Danny was impressed that my world might, after all, have a snippet of relevance to his. Infuriating, obviously, but I take what I can get. Riding high on our moment of connection, I told him I'd read that the lighthouse was open to visitors; maybe the two of us should go and see it.

I meant only, I think, to talk and plan with Danny; I didn't believe such an outing would actually come to pa.s.s. But up to San Jose he came, driving his little j.a.panese box with its back window stuck halfway down, his s.h.a.ggy blond head nearly touching the roof. I treated him to crepes at Rosemary and Tim and grilled him about college life and so on, and this morning we got up early and here we are, in a place unsullied by the current cultural detritus.

"Actually, there were a few other female lighthouse keepers in those days." The volunteer guide is responding to a question from a wide-shouldered woman in an olive-green anorak who has clearly done some, if not much, homework. The guide tells about Charlotte Layton, who stayed on as keeper at Point Pinos after her husband was shot by a bandit, and fas.h.i.+onable Emily Fish, who kept racehorses and painted china. "And often," the docent goes on, "wives served informally as keepers. The lighthouse service encouraged men to bring their families, because the women and children would work as a.s.sistants-unpaid, of course." Even now, in 1977, the ladies in our group nod and pull their mouths into bitter little smiles, acknowledging the obvious truth.

The docent stops walking. She's a retiree in knit trousers, her hair an unnatural shade of apricot beneath the rubberized hood of the raincoat on which the drizzle is beading. "Are you doing okay?" she asks me in the high tone reserved for children, pets, and the elderly, although it's really she who needs to catch her breath, what with all the talking.

It's a steep, very long climb to the top of the morro on which the lighthouse and its attendant buildings stand, along a narrow road that girdles the rock and was cut long after my time here. The volunteer, Linda or Lydia-I couldn't quite make it out-tried to discourage me at the bottom. Not wanting a heart attack on her hands, no doubt. It's true that I'm wizened as an apple doll-no point trying to deny my age, now that I've confessed actual dates-but, still, I'm a walker. I can go miles if I pace myself. Besides, I used to scramble up this mountain on all fours; I could do it again, if need be.

The drizzle has stopped. I look west over the ocean, an old habit, and am rewarded with a pale sheen in the sky. In an hour or so, before we start down again, I know it will be clear.

Our little group is breaking apart. Two sullen teenagers and their parents, intent on getting the climb over with, have taken the lead. Behind them, a little boy drifts, drawn by the sight of the waves tirelessly hurling themselves against the black rocks far below, and his young mother yanks him back, though he's nowhere near falling. We children spent a lot of time lying on our stomachs looking over the edge or standing with our toes jutting into the air. I don't believe we were foolhardy. We knew what was possible and what was unreasonably dangerous. I suppose that at any time the ground might have slid out from under us, but in fact, there was very little erosion. A morro is, after all, made of the hard stuff that remains after the softer rock falls away.

A thin-haired man and his bra.s.sy wife are arguing over who left the camera in the car. Now the anorak woman is asking more questions about the lady lighthouse keeper here at Point Lucia. The lady lighthouse keeper! As if she were a talking horse!

"She was from Minnesota," Linda-or Lydia-answers.

"Wisconsin," I whisper to Danny.

The child begs to be carried. The docent calls ahead to the teenagers, her voice shrill with anxiety. "Please stay together, everyone!" Thin Hair and Bra.s.sy are avoiding each other's eyes.

Danny spots a pod of dolphins surprisingly close to the sh.o.r.e, which gives us all a lift, pulls us forward another thirty yards. Someone asks how far out the light can be seen.

To keep our minds off the work of the climb, the docent tells us about s.h.i.+pwrecks: some boats foundered because the captain was drunk; some were smashed in storms or ran aground in fog; but most went down simply because people made mistakes and steered directly into what they should have avoided. All manner of goods were lost-beer and barley, paint and salt, lumber and b.u.t.ter and chrome-although in most cases, the crew survived. She tells one especially sad story that I remember hearing from my mother about a lighthouse keeper whose skiff overturned after he'd collected pay for himself and his men from the tender. He drowned because the gold in his pockets weighed him down. That's why my father was never paid in cash.

Finally, we reach the light. We're not yet at the top. The light had to be placed about a third of the way down, or it would have been smothered too often in the fog that settles around the summit. It's impossible, now that the sky has cleared, to imagine the kind of dense fog that's inevitable here, fog that hovers so close it blurs your vision and makes you lose perspective. Even I can hardly recall that kind of fog when the sun is s.h.i.+ning.

The light tower itself isn't the tall, graceful cylinder one might expect in a place of such grandeur but, rather, a squat, four-cornered, medieval castlealike structure of heavy gray stone. It's even shorter than I remember. Otherwise, from the outside, it's remained essentially unchanged in seventy-odd years (while I have suffered the usual ravages). Inside the base, where the boiler once roared and hissed, it's quiet as a crypt. And vacant.

When I was a girl, that s.p.a.ce was a sort of clubhouse, a game of solitaire and some piece of greasy machinery to be tinkered with on the table; the all-important keeper's log and a cup of yellow pencils on a shelf, along with a book or two, including one called Flags of Many Lands from which we liked to choose our favorites; the big black toolbox, full of useful devices we were not allowed to borrow, in its special spot at the foot of the stairs, beside the basket of mending with which the women pa.s.sed the time. All of that has been cleared away. Then it smelled of pipe tobacco, kerosene, oil, and woodsmoke; now it smells only of stone.

Linda summons us to the winding staircase at the back, and we march up single file. I find myself gripping the metal banister as I did when I was five, afraid to put my faith in my feet. At the top, we pack into the small platform that extends between the light and the windows, the lamproom. We're expected to marvel at the lens-an enormous scalloped jewel-and Thin Hair obliges. The men generally are gung ho about the mechanical details. But I'm impatient. I resent that we can't move about as we please. The light, marvel of nineteenth-century scientific achievement and my family's bread and b.u.t.ter, was serious business and therefore not the scene of my childhood. It's not what I've come here to see.

There are bullet holes in nearly all of the windows.

"Vandals," Linda explains.

I imagine them trudging up here, going so far out of their way to casually destroy whatever strikes their fancy. There's modern life for you. It's true that in my day, we had our share of broken windows, though at least there was nothing casual about that destruction.

What is this? We've been shunted onto the catwalk outside to observe the view, but it's the exterior wall that grabs my attention. It's covered in a mosaic of stones, and abalone, mussel, and periwinkle sh.e.l.ls. Here is the dried husk of a sea star. And here a bit of a sea urchin's sh.e.l.l. Here is the carapace of a crab. I touch the pieces, imagining her deft fingers pus.h.i.+ng them into the soft cement, for I need no docent to tell me who's constructed this mermaid's castle.

Finally, we're trailing along the path on which I walked and ran every day for sixteen years. The surface is different-asphalt instead of rocky dirt-but the vistas are so much the same that I might be a girl again, my pinafore whipping in the wind. We shuffle through the workshop with its drill press and saws and whetstone-all manner of tools neatly organized-and pa.s.s the small barn where my family kept a cow and a few chickens, presumably empty now, and come at last to the big stone triplex where the keepers lived. As of three years ago, when electricity finally came to this remote outpost, no one need live in this building again.

"Most of Gertrude Swann's collections were scattered when she died," Linda says, wiggling her key in the lock, "but we've found a few of her things and a copy of the catalog she compiled."

We step inside, and I experience that disorienting feeling inevitable when you revisit after a long absence a place that was once as familiar as your skin. The few furnis.h.i.+ngs-a modern sofa in the parlor, a kitchen obviously outfitted in the fifties-are all wrong, but the big windows and wide window ledges are the same, and the narrow floorboards haven't been carpeted. Artfully arranged on a table in the parlor are some dried urchin sh.e.l.ls-she did much of her work with urchins-and a few pretty curio slides she made with a bubble of gla.s.s and fancy paper. "Amus.e.m.e.nts," she called them, a little sheepishly, for they were not of scientific value. One contains a tiny starfish, another a curl of delicate seaweed.

"Eeew! There's hair in these!" one of the teenagers says.

It's my hair, my old, true color, and that of my brothers and sister. She cut the strands for keepsakes as, one by one, we moved away from Point Lucia. I was the youngest, the last to go.

A copy of her catalog is opened to a page devoted to kelp. "Among the rippling kelp lived a family of otters," I can hear her saying, for she was my first teacher and a storyteller, and I was an eager listener.

"She was pretty strange and secretive," Linda says. "She insisted on living alone after the original keeper and his wife retired, even though the station was meant to be operated by three keepers. The machinery was less labor-intensive by that time."

"I read that a kind of Loch Ness monster killed her husband." It's Anorak again.

I can see Danny, young scientist that he is, turning away to hide a smile at such a fantasy. Several others, however, who no doubt were beginning to think about the b.l.o.o.d.y Marys they would order at Nepenthe or the comic books they'd left on the seat of the car, perk up.

"People think that it may have been a shark or an orca," Linda says. "Back then they didn't know what we do."

Such condescension toward the past is to be expected, but I know better.

After Mrs. Swann died, my siblings and I discovered that she'd willed things to us. Mary got the collections of slides and specimens-they're mine now; and Edward was to have her scientific instruments-he'd predeceased her, although she didn't know it-those are mine, too; Nicholas got the original hand-inked catalog; and I got a ma.n.u.script.

At the top of the first page, in the handwriting I knew as well as my own, she'd written a note: My dearest Jane, I wrote this some time ago, and I'd like for you to have it. I hope it will interest you-you, of all the Crawley children, are the most intimately involved in this story. As I come to the end of my life, I suddenly find that I want someone to know how she lived.

That last p.r.o.noun rankled, appearing as it did without an antecedent. But once I'd read, I believed I understood. I know what happened here. Or at least some version of it. As I say, she was a storyteller.

CHAPTER 1.

WE'D TRAVELED days to reach California, and it takes only hours to steam from San Francisco to Point Lucia, but from the moment we heaved over the first of a thousand waves, I knew that this stretch would take me farthest from the home I'd so precipitously left behind. At first we pushed through a cold fog, guided only by the uneven clang of buoy bells. Standing on deck, I couldn't make out even the surface of the water. But in an hour or so, the sun began to filter through, revealing a picturesque coast of soft hills and low bluffs.

Dolphins (not fish, my husband said, but mammals just like us) arched in and out of the water beside us, s.h.i.+fting direction miraculously as one, as if attached by strings. Oskar seemed to be racing along with them, one minute sitting beside me and holding my hand, the next, hurrying to the rail, then off to have a word with the captain, then back to me to point out some feature of the landscape or to inform me of some remarkable attribute of the vessel or to hold before me an enormous, toothy fish one of the sailors had caught off the stern, its eye still alert and admonis.h.i.+ng. At last I had to beg him to be less solicitous and allow me to weather the wretched waves in peace.

Along one stretch, I spotted a lighthouse and a pretty white cottage glowing together on a lush green lawn. I was able to hope for a minute that it might be ours.

"No, that'd be Pinos," a sailor said.

A woman kept that lighthouse, he told me, a.s.sisted by her Chinese manservant. The woman was from China, too, although she was white. The sailor claimed she kept racehorses, grew roses, spoke Italian, and played sonatas on the pianoforte.

"She doesn't sing opera?" I was thoroughly seasick by this time, and so, although I meant to be amusing, I must not have hit the proper tone, for the sailor only frowned, considering whether the white Chinese lady might lay claim to this refinement as well.

Some distance on, the landscape changed, the soft hills shouldered aside by steep and ragged mountains that didn't so much approach the sea as bang against it. Pieces of these mountains had broken off, littering the water with jagged black rocks and leaving wounds hundreds of feet high and gaping, impossible to heal.

"There's Lucia," the sailor said casually, politely ignoring the fact that I was bent over the rail.

I lifted my eyes for my first look at the lighthouse to which we'd been a.s.signed, my new home. It stood three quarters of the way up the side of a small mountain-a morro, the sailor called it-a rough brown breast attached to the land by only a spit of sand. Point Lucia had no lawn, no white cottage, and no roses. Above the light, at the very top, stood a gray gabled hulk, built of the sort of blocks used for barracks and asylums and prisons. Around the main structure, a jumble of outbuildings was scattered. No trees grew on this mountain, and the stooped and stunted few that stood along the coast to either side reached inland with their branches, as though they would flee in that direction if they could.

I was loaded, along with our trunk and a number of wooden barrels and metal drums and the toothy fish, into a longboat and rushed through the surf until the ocean finally spat us onto the beach, where the sailors emptied the boat with remarkable speed. Some barrels-I could tell they were empty by the ease with which the sailors swung them-and a mail pouch, full, were waiting. Once the sailors had packed the boat with these, they pushed off into the surf again, leaving Oskar and me alone.

Oskar, who'd jumped into the waves to help steady us on the way in, was dripping.

"We look s.h.i.+pwrecked," I said.

"Not you."

It was true that no water had touched me. I felt wrecked nonetheless, standing there with my boots sinking into the sand. If appropriate dress exists for being stranded on a wild beach, my lavender gloves and dove-gray veil didn't approximate it. While Oskar tramped toward the morro, shouting h.e.l.los with his hands cupped around his mouth, I stood by helplessly, clutching our valise and breathing in the stink. Thick snakelike coils lay scattered over the beach, as if an army of Medusas had been slaughtered there. Swarms of black flies, the rotting smell made visible, buzzed around the tangled piles.

Suddenly, a boy flew out from behind the mountain, his bare feet throwing off sand as he ran. I saw him shake Oskar's hand vigorously and gesture in the direction from which he'd come.

When they came to me, the boy adjusted his cap by way of greeting. "I'm Edward," he said. "We didn't think the Service could get a lady to come." He grinned in such a winning way that I couldn't help but smile back.

He shouldered the fish and suggested that Oskar do the same with our trunk, explaining that the rest would be collected later. Then he led the way-a very long way, as it turned out-over the beach and around the back of the morro to a small open platform on wheels at the bottom of an impossibly steep track. We were to balance on this bit of wood as it climbed with painful, squeaking agony straight up the side of the rock.

I hadn't expected children at all, but three more stood solemnly at the top, a girl of about ten with smudged eyegla.s.ses and tight, unflattering braids, who seemed to curl in on herself; another boy who was a slighter, younger version of the first; and a small girl whose ragged hair obscured her face. Their skin was dyed brown from the sun, and each successive child seemed to have soaked in more pigment, so that the eldest, the girl in braids, was the color of weak tea, and the youngest was dark as an acorn. A man with the beginnings of a stoop emerged from an outbuilding, wiping his hands on a cloth. And then, as we mounted the last creaking yards, a woman rushed up the path. She was tall, with long legs and neck, like a heron or stork. Her hair was brushed with white and pinned up in a messy nest, and she was wearing men's boots.

She smoothed her large, chapped hands over her soiled ap.r.o.n self-consciously, as Oskar handed me off the platform, and she rocked slightly while she stood, as if she couldn't bring herself to stay entirely still. "Good to meet you," she said with a sharp dip of her head. "Hope you can stick it."

The man with the dirty cloth shook our hands, nodding in a friendly way, as if we'd turned out to be just what he'd ordered. "Henry Crawley," he said, "chief keeper." He was a head shorter than his wife and seemed to have been bleached by the sun and wind; he was so fair as to be nearly colorless. His pale eyes watered in the bright light.

Over Mr. Crawley's shoulder, I saw the tender that had delivered us steaming unhesitatingly across the vast, restless plain of the ocean toward the northern horizon, and I felt an internal sinking so cold and overwhelming that I nearly cried out my dismay. But I held my chin high and didn't reach for Oskar's hand, for I was a grown girl who knew how to behave.

Another man was coming up the path. He was in no hurry to meet us but walked in a desultory way, his gait sinuous, his eyes turned mostly toward the ocean and the disappearing tender, as mine had been. The dark brown hair that showed below his bowler appeared to have been cut with a bowie knife.

"My brother, Archie Johnston," Mrs. Crawley said, and she sighed, as if she wished he weren't.

We greeted him, but he looked us up and down rudely before he responded. "I hear you've come from Wisconsin," he said at last.

"Oh, yes." I answered too eagerly, more than willing to overlook his poor manners for the comfort of some connection to my home. "Do you know it?"

"I know it's a long way to come just to be second a.s.sistant at a lighthouse."

Oskar laughed. "Do you suspect ulterior motives?"

Mr. Johnston stared at him. "I don't know what to think."

"Come now, Archie," Mr. Crawley said. "Don't make these good young people defend themselves. Most would jump at the chance for this post. Let's show Mr. Swann the light, get him acquainted with his work."

Archie Johnston was right to be suspicious, although the crimes for which we'd had to leave Milwaukee-shattering the fondest hopes of family and friends-were not the sort the law takes any notice of.

CHAPTER 2.

MY PARENTS HAD laid out a lovely future for me in Milwaukee with tender care, as if they were smoothing the white coverlet over my rosewood bed. When I was graduated from the Milwaukee College for Females, I was to marry Ernst Dettweiler. Our wedding had been planned, mostly as a joke, while our mothers aired us as infants in Juneau Park. But why not? Ernst was a sweet, straightforward boy who met life's pleasures head-on and made clear that he believed I was among them. He was as dear to me as suns.h.i.+ne. As my mother said fondly, "You know what you're getting with Ernst."

We were to live on one of the newer streets west of downtown. Although a wedding date had not been set-indeed, Ernst had not yet formally proposed-my father and Uncle Dettweiler had looked at two or three possible houses, and my mother had selected the peonies she intended to transplant to my yard and the furnis.h.i.+ngs from her own house that would be mine. Of course, we young people were expected to have ideas of our own. Within certain boundaries, our parents were willing, even eager, to indulge us.