Petals From The Sky Part 7

"I'm sorry...Miao Rong s.h.i.+fu," I said, looking at her scar and feeling ridiculous. Why did the temple give her this name? To remind her of her past karma? And what karma was that?

An awkward pause, then I said, "Can we find a place to talk?...I've been thinking about you since you left for China...."

"What do you want from me?" the nun asked flatly. I could almost see her scar writhe like a trapped snake.

"I don't want anything. I just want to talk, to know how you are."

"I'm fine." Her eyes flickered suspiciously under her oversized, black-rimmed gla.s.ses.

"Yes...but that's not what I mean...." I hated my stammer. "Can we talk? Dai...Miao Rong s.h.i.+fu." I moved close to her to let her know that I would not give up. That although she was bigger and older than I, and now had the status of a nun, I was not intimidated.

Her eyes looked impenetrable.

"Please, I won't take up too much of your time." I felt embarra.s.sed to be pleading, but stood firm on the ground in front of her.

"All right...follow me."

Once we arrived in her room, Dai Nam excused herself. "Please sit and wait for a moment."

I was suspicious. Would she just disappear as she had done three years before in China?

Her room was small and neat; the air conditioning seemed almost noiseless. Outside buzzed the distant noises of construction; inside floated the scent of fresh flowers and incense. Along one wall rested a cot; beside it stood a wooden chest as tightly closed as if stoutly guarding its mistress's secrets. A bronze incense burner and a bowl with fresh lotuses sat before a small altar with a ceramic Buddha. Framed pictures and doc.u.ments hung conspicuously over her desk.

I stepped closer to inspect the pictures: Dai Nam as a nun in Thailand, holding a begging bowl, in front of strangely shaped stone ruins. Dai Nam in front of the Arc de Triomphe, her full head of black hair fluttering in the wind. Dai Nam with her French professor at the entrance of the Universite de Paris VII. Her doctoral certificate in a gold frame. The pictures hung in chronological order, but none showed her stay in China. Why had she left out this part of her past?

I slumped down into the chair. Did Dai Nam really think she could settle her mind by shaving her head, putting on a robe, and strenuously tidying up her room? I wondered what torrents flowed under her emotionless face and the tidy appearance of her room. And what demons knocked around within her.

I remembered that one evening as we were sipping tea in her attic in Paris, Dai Nam told me how she'd run away from her alcoholic-gambling-womanizing father and money-thirsty stepmother, and had swum across the shark-infested Mirs Bay to Hong Kong. She had tried and failed seven times. She said, "During Daruma's nine years sitting in Zen meditation, his legs were nibbled away by rats, withered, and fell off. Yet after that, he remained upright because he had found his center through meditation. You know the proverb, 'Fall down seven times; get up eight.' The limbless Daruma doll always rights itself when knocked over. That was also how I came to Hong Kong."

After she had arrived in the Fragrant Harbor, Dai Nam's great-aunt took her in, bought her a Hong Kong ident.i.ty card, and enrolled her in a charity Buddhist middle school. Later, she sent Dai Nam to a Buddhist college. When we met in Paris, Dai Nam had just spent two years in Thailand experiencing the life of a lay nun, begging for her food-the experience she had turned into her Ph.D. dissertation.

Dai Nam and I became friends because of our shared interest in Buddhism. Her eccentricity, her loneliness, and her obsessive cultivation of nonattachment intrigued me. Yet her withdrawn personality had always made our friends.h.i.+p tense and difficult. She rarely looked me in the eye when she talked, and when she did, her eyes were bottomless holes revealing nothing. Although her face never showed definite emotion, her gaze betrayed agitation and restlessness. Silent most of the time, she could also be talkative. When she talked she seemed more withdrawn-her eyes would turn abstract and her mind seemed to be at some far-off place.

One day when we were still living in Paris, she'd invited me to her home and told me she had to leave for China immediately. Her long-estranged father was dying from lung cancer. That was the last time I, or anyone else I knew, saw her. Until now, when suddenly she had resurfaced in Hong Kong as a nun.

The door's click woke me from my musing. Dai Nam entered with a tray laden with a pot of tea, two cups, and a plate of fruits. She put the tray onto the desk, pulled up another chair, and poured tea.

"Please," she said.

I watched her closely as she held the teapot with her mutilated fingers. How had this happened?

I took the cup she handed me with both hands to show my respect for her new status as a nun. "Thank you...Miao Rong s.h.i.+fu," I said. It still felt odd to call her by the preposterous name of Wonderful Countenance.

I quietly sipped my tea and struggled to think of something appropriate to begin the conversation. Dai Nam picked up a couple of grapes, popped them into her mouth, and chewed noisily. Despite the small wrinkles around her eyes, her thick-rimmed gla.s.ses, her disturbing scar, and the worn-out clothes she wore, this enigmatic woman in front of me might have been attractive in this life. Did she deliberately hide her charm? Why this radical effort at nonattachment? What really resided in her mind and in her heart?

Finally, I could only think to say, "How have you been?"

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"When did you come back to Hong Kong?"

"A couple of months ago."

"Oh...did you ordain as a nun in this temple?"

"Yes."

"So you plan to stay?"

"Yi Kong s.h.i.+fu has asked me to be her a.s.sistant to take charge of the temple's affairs."

My cheeks felt hot. Hadn't Yi Kong always implied that she wanted me me to be her successor? to be her successor?

Dai Nam, as though reading my mind, said, "It's only temporary. And she asked me only last week." She paused, her gaze resting on her tea cup.

"Oh." I put my cup down with a sharp clank clank. What had I done to my life? I'd turned down Michael's proposal, neglected Yi Kong, and so far had no news about any interviews I'd applied for.

I squeezed out a smile. "Do you plan to take the position?"

Dai Nam stared at the construction outside for long seconds before she returned her gaze to me. "Do you think anyone could turn down such a call from Yi Kong s.h.i.+fu?"

I could not think how to answer.

She changed the subject. "How was your talk with Chan Lan?"

Why was she suddenly asking about something totally irrelevant? "You mean the old lady in the garden?"

Dai Nam nodded and I said, "Interesting but sad...she told me she had a child but no husband. I wonder why."

"She was a comfort woman in the thirties." Noticing the shock on my face, Dai Nam sighed. "In 1932, the j.a.panese Navy set up comfort houses in Shanghai where more than a hundred Chinese women were forced to work. Chan Lan, even though already in her fifties, was one of them. A year later, she escaped from the comfort house and managed to board a s.h.i.+p to Hong Kong. There she washed dishes at a restaurant for twenty years. She'd saved some money and used it to open a small noodle shop. When she was too old to run her restaurant, she came to the nursing home in this temple."

"Oh, I see...and her child died of some sickness?"

"No, her child didn't just die. Chan Lan had an abortion."

Dai Nam's face now transformed into something indescribable, like images frozen in a distant dream; the scar was inert, in hibernation. She spoke as if talking to herself. "The father was one of the j.a.panese sailors, so she had to end her pregnancy. Otherwise the child would just grow up to be an object of humiliation...." DaiNam's voice trailed off and the uncomfortable silence returned.

Since Dai Nam had only been in this temple for a few months, I wondered how she knew all this about Chan Lan.

My friend's face stirred as if awakened from a trance. She sipped her tea and again changed the subject. "I heard you've got your Ph.D."

"Hmmm...not quite. I still have to go back to Paris for my oral defense. I think the Fragrant Spirit Temple made a mistake about the information...." I paused. "Were you also at the retreat?"

"Yes."

"Then you saw me there?"

"Yes."

"And you also saw me in the garden just now?"

"Yes."

Suddenly I realized Dai Nam had been avoiding me all along, which explained my spotting the red scar several times in the Fragrant Spirit Temple without getting a clear view of her. Why was she hiding from me?

After a pause, I mustered all my courage. "Dai...Miao Rong s.h.i.+fu...what happened...to your fingers?"

"I burned them off."

"What?" I gasped and spilled my tea on the floor. "But why?"

"To show that I'm not attached, not even to my own body." She stared intently at the stain on the glossy floor. "I also burned them as offerings to Buddha."

"But...Miao Rong s.h.i.+fu, did you really have to do that?"

"Yes. If you really want to show your devotion and detachment."

I tried to feel her mind with mine, but was lost in its unreadable remoteness. I wanted to argue, but nothing came out when I parted my lips. I could not understand how someone could do this to her own body.

Isn't the desire for detachment an attachment in itself?

Dai Nam continued calmly, "I didn't feel terrible pain when I was burning them."

"But how can that be possible?"

"I was in deep meditation. Anyway, I chose the pain as an ordeal."

I thought to remind her of the first line of Confucius's Ode to Filial Piety Ode to Filial Piety: "My body and hair are inherited from my father and mother; therefore, I would not harm nor damage them. This is the beginning of filial piety." But looking at her emotionless face, I finally swallowed my words.

After a pause, I asked, "You did this here in this temple?"

"No, in China."

I had been dying to know about her disappearance in China, but now had no courage to ask, fearing that another nightmare revelation would writhe out from her mouth to a.s.sault me.

Dai Nam stood abruptly from her chair. "Nice to see you again, Miss Du. Now I have to get ready for the temple meeting."

Before, in Paris, she hadn't called me Miss Du. I knew it was now meant to stretch a distance between us. Or, between her and what I knew of her past.

Feeling restless and uneasy after my meeting with Dai Nam, I went to the Meditation Hall to try to meditate, but snakes kept popping from every cranny of my mind, spitting out fiery tongues at me. I went to the library and tried to read, but all I could see in the words of the sutras sutras was Dai Nam's inscrutable face behind her thick-lensed gla.s.ses, challenging me with her nonattachment and her mutilated fingers. was Dai Nam's inscrutable face behind her thick-lensed gla.s.ses, challenging me with her nonattachment and her mutilated fingers.

Unable to relax, I decided to go back to the garden. Maybe Ah-po Ah-po was still there, and I could find some relief in her cheerfulness. was still there, and I could find some relief in her cheerfulness.

But Ah-po, Ah-po, the old woman, was with someone else. So I stopped at the entrance to watch as a nun helped her walk back to the nursing home. the old woman, was with someone else. So I stopped at the entrance to watch as a nun helped her walk back to the nursing home.

It was Dai Nam. She asked Chan Lan, "Great-Aunt, how are you feeling today?"

I was startled-so this old woman was Dai Nam's comfort woman great-aunt, who'd helped her stay in Hong Kong. I moved behind a hibiscus hedge to stay out of sight.

Chan Lan smiled widely. "Very happy. I talked to a pretty girl. She's thirty but still single. So I told her that's no good, better get married soon and have children, many, many."

She poked Dai Nam's arm with her shriveled, clawlike fingers. "You too, grand niece, get married soon and have children! Many, many!"

I went softly to sit on a bench, to ponder the revelation and to gather my thoughts. However, stray thoughts sleepwalked through my mind, bringing me back to my encounter with Dai Nam in Paris five years before....

13.

The Non-Nun Nun.

I had first met Dai Nam in the library of L'Inst.i.tut des Hautes etudes Chinoises. It happened not long after I'd arrived in Paris when I went to the library to borrow a rare version of the Heart Sutra. When the librarian told me that someone had already checked it out, I became curious about this stranger who shared my interest not only in Buddhism, but also in rare texts. I asked the librarian to introduce us. had first met Dai Nam in the library of L'Inst.i.tut des Hautes etudes Chinoises. It happened not long after I'd arrived in Paris when I went to the library to borrow a rare version of the Heart Sutra. When the librarian told me that someone had already checked it out, I became curious about this stranger who shared my interest not only in Buddhism, but also in rare texts. I asked the librarian to introduce us.

She arranged for us to meet in her office on a Sat.u.r.day morning, a time when the library was mostly empty. Dai Nam was already there when I arrived. The first thing I noticed about her were her eyebrows-a weak and flattened Chinese character "eight," as if executed when the calligrapher was depressed. Then, as I sat down opposite her, a shaft of sunlight entered through a tree-lined window to land on her face. My heart jumped. A large maroon scar, resembling a frightened baby snake, crawled down her right cheek. How had her face been ruined? What kind of accident could have caused this? A car crash? The result of some inexplicable karma? An act of revenge from a spurned love? It must have hurt terribly. As I was wondering how this had happened, suddenly my cheek flared with an itch as I watched the shadow of a many-branched twig, like a witch's broom, sweep the blood-dark stripe. Dai Nam said, "h.e.l.lo" in a raspy voice.

Our conversation didn't last long; Dai Nam said that she had come to the library to study and did not have time to talk. When I suggested we meet another day in a cafe, she would set no definite time. I was curious to get to know her better, so when I ran into her again in the inst.i.tute I suggested we meet at the Cafe de Flore on Boulevard Saint-Germain. This time she agreed.

Dai Nam had been in Paris longer than I, so I imagined she'd have been to this famous place before. It would be my first time. I hoped I'd have the luck to sit at the same table where Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir used to sit many decades ago!

Yet on Sat.u.r.day evening when I arrived at the famous cafe, I felt disappointed. Except for the prices on the menu by the entrance, it didn't look particularly special. Maybe it had been when Sartre and de Beauvoir set up literary shop here during World War II. Then I suddenly remembered my guidebook's comment: "As with all historic cafes, beware of the prices!"

I took a seat on the front row of the terrace. It was one of those days in Paris when people looked as if merely breathing the Parisian air was the greatest blessing in life. Near me sat two giggling young j.a.panese women with expensive suits and handbags. Two French women lounged and smoked, hurrying sips of espresso amidst ceaseless talk.

I turned to look at the busy boulevard. A taxi pulled to a stop in front of me and spat out a veiled and gloved old woman in a hat and coat. After she'd paid the driver with her shaking hands, she began to wobble along with the support of a crooked cane. Three chattering young women in four-inch heels and miniskirts strode past her, almost knocking her over, but not noticing. The old woman raised her cane to swing at their bared backs. She missed, but was not discouraged. In the middle of the street, she kept waving her cane in threatening arcs and mouthing obscenities at the departing figures. Bravo, Bravo, I almost shouted to her. Where did she get her strength? Surely not from her arthritic hands nor her crooked cane. Was it from jealousy aroused by the aura of youth and beauty that had once shone on her, but had now pa.s.sed on to the girls? I was lost in this scene when Dai Nam's voice rang like a broken bell in my ears. "Meng Ning." I almost shouted to her. Where did she get her strength? Surely not from her arthritic hands nor her crooked cane. Was it from jealousy aroused by the aura of youth and beauty that had once shone on her, but had now pa.s.sed on to the girls? I was lost in this scene when Dai Nam's voice rang like a broken bell in my ears. "Meng Ning."

I looked up and saw my friend in a plain white cotton s.h.i.+rt, loose dark blue slacks, and sandals. Her hair seemed shorter than the last time I had seen her. Her large, thick-lensed gla.s.ses perched low on her nose, blurring her otherwise quite delicate features. She had a large green canvas bag slung across her st.u.r.dy shoulders.

Dai Nam sat down and immediately asked me about my life in Paris.

"I love it," I said.

"Why?"

Both her tone and question surprised me, so I pondered for a while before I said, "The whole city has so much energy, like a piece of calligraphy saturated with qi qi." Then I looked at her pale, chapped lips, wondering how they'd look if painted a seductive red. "What about you? Do you love Paris?"

Dai Nam's eyes followed a pa.s.sing young woman who was fondling her terrier. "I like it OK, but I wouldn't use the word 'love'."

Right then a waiter came to take our order. Dai Nam read the menu very carefully before she whispered into my ear, "There's almost nothing for me in this cafe...either too expensive or too strong."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I picked it because Sartre and de Beauvoir used to come here. So I thought you would like it."